In response to the global COVID-19 outbreak, DuPage Township activated its so-called ‘Plague Protocol.’
“We’ve seen the movies,” said Laura, a township employee who asked that we not use her real name. “It starts off with locating patient zero. Then before you know it, the global population is almost zero. We’re acting now before it gets that bad.”
The protocol was created in 1971, shortly after the release of The Andromeda Strain movie. This is the first time it has been enacted by the township.
“Back then,” said Laura, “We were worried about a virus from outer space infecting the world. A couple years ago, we realized that wasn’t going to happen. The protocol is still useful, and it will help us to survive this impending plague.”
Sources within DuPage Township say they have successfully enacted most of the protocol, like insisting employees cough into their elbows and cleaning desks with disinfectant. Some of the staff claim that a few of the trustees are enforcing the protocol too aggressively.
“I coughed only once,” said Tom, another township employee. “A second later, (Trustee Ken Burgess) doused my desk with a disinfectant and then wiped my desk with bleach. He said something about using ‘shock and awe’ against infection. When I protested, he told me to wear a mask.”
Susan, a volunteer at Boardman Cemetery, claims she had a disturbing conversation with Trustee Dennis Raga:
“He was drawing on a paper map of the cemetery. I asked him what he was up to. He said he was trying to figure out how to ‘respectfully’ bury 115,000 people. Then he added it had nothing to do with President Trump. He was just planning for the ‘worst-case.’ He wouldn’t tell me what it was a worst-case of.”
However, according to anonymous sources, the township is struggling to implement the most important part of the protocol. The protocol requires the trustees to quarantine themselves into a sealed command center until the plague is eradicated. A sealed command center was built under the Levy Center but was turned into a storage room several years ago.
The trustees are divided on how to pay to restore the command center. Trustee Maripat Oliver wants to ask for a grant from the Department of Homeland Security. She also wants them to build a separate chamber for Trustee Alyssia Benford:
“There is no way I am going to be locked in a room with Alyssia!”
Benford, according to the sources, wants former supervisor Bill Mayer to pay for the restoration. She wants the power to decide who is allowed into the command center:
“I know this is Bill’s fault and you guys helped him to ruin my chance to survive the Corona Beer Virus. So either you guys do what I say, or I’ll tell the Edgar County Watchdogs that all of you are breaking the law.”
“What law?” asked Burgess.
“I’ll have to ask the Will County Attorney’s office. They just hired a staffer to handle all of my questions!”
An unnamed source says Supervisor Felix George is hopeful that he can resolve the dispute soon:
“Felix is telling them that if we act now, DuPage Township could be the only surviving unit of government in Will County left after the plague. Wouldn’t it be ironic if all the people who want to disband our township died, and we survived?”
A receptionist for the Township said the Trustees were unavailable to comment. She said:
“Let’s put this in perspective. The number of people worldwide infected by the Coronavirus outbreak is in the thousands. Influenza has infected 31 million people in the US alone.”
In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “My billionaire client has taken pity on the Senior Committee. Leave them alone.”
A woman who sounded like Benford said: “Never! It is my duty to investigate everything this township does because I am required to root out corruption.”
“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Allen?”
Moments later, a man who sounded like Allen Dershowitz, said: “Actually, you have it all wrong. The Illinois Constitution requires all politicians to be corrupt. I just realized that a couple days ago.”
“What?” asked Benford.
“Yes. So instead of going after these poor senior volunteers, you should be fighting against Governor Pritzker’s blatantly unconstitutional attempt to impose ethics.”
Editor’s note 3/22/21: Upon further review, we have edited this article to use the official name of this virus, COVID-19. Viruses do not have a nationality, and we think everyone mentioned in this article now understands how infectious and deadly COVID-19 is.
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God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/20
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