Web Exclusive: Drunk alien crashes UFO in Palatine (Fiction)


By Reporter X

An intoxicated alien crashed its UFO while attempting to land at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base.  The alien was arrested by Palatine police.  No humans were injured, and the only damage was a crater in a resident’s backyard.

“I’m proud of how we covered up this incident,” said Sheila Z. Blake, the head of the Interstellar Division.  “Thanks to our public relations team, we’ve now convinced most residents that what they really heard was a loud firecracker.”

Carlie, who lives near Lake Cook and Route 53, claims the UFO crashed in her backyard.  She described the craft as “kind of like the Bean, only a sphere.”  After getting over her shock, she called the Palatine police:

“The dispatcher laughed at me, and hung up.  I thought she was being unprofessional, but now I know that she was calling Palatine’s specialized police officers.”

Then Carlie and her partner, Desiree, heard the back door open.  When they snuck downstairs, they saw an alien raiding their refrigerator:

“It was drinking our salad dressing straight from the bottles.  I think it really loved the blue cheese, and it got drunk off of it.”

Both women agreed that after drinking their salad dressing, the alien looked at them.  After making slurred sounds, it collapsed to the floor.  

A few minutes later, officers in hazmat suits arrived and arrested the alien.  The officers then told them not to talk to the “mainstream media.”

“So I guess it’s okay to talk to you,” said Carlie.

Blake said the officers found gallons of Blue Cheese and Ranch dressing inside the space craft.  They also found blocks of Titan slime cheese as well.

“Clearly, this alien is affected by moldy dairy products,” said Blake.  “We hope to give this visitor the treatment it deserves, and then lock it up.”

A receptionist for Mayor Jim Schwantz denied the existence of a UFO Base in Palatine, and said Schwantz was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said: “I want to buy the strip mall by the Wal Mart and sell a product that’s physically addictive, causes 88,000 deaths per year in the US and strains $249 billion dollars from the economy.”

A man who sounded like Schwantz replied: You can’t fool this Fremd graduate.  You’re talking about alcohol.”

“No, I can’t fool you.  So you won’t mind if I open up a Weed World instead? Seriously, you can’t allow bars in your fine village and then think about banning cannabis dispensaries. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.