Brexit to Hell: A Manchester Mumbler special report (Fiction)


From time to time, we like to feature stories from our sister publications around the world.  The following is from the Manchester Mumbler in the United Kingdom.  Though the United Kingdom’s exit from the European Union has been delayed until April, there are still issues that need to be addressed. This article has been translated into American English.

Enhanced photo of a UFO following the Brexit vote.

Is Prime Minister May planning an invasion of Ireland?

Some sources say Prime Minister Theresa May ordered the military to “reunite Ireland with the United Kingdom.”

“It’s the only sensible solution to the backstop problem in Northern Ireland,” said an anonymous source.  “No border means no backstop.  It’s the only solution that makes sense.  Sure, we’ll see the return of the IRA, more terrorism, and a long term military occupation.  That’s worth the price of keeping all of the United Kingdom out of the common market!”

Sheri Z. Williams, a greater Manchester resident, says she has proof the UK will invade Ireland after Brexit:

“My son is in the Royal Marines.  I saw him studying maps of Ireland.  I asked him what he was up to, and he wouldn’t tell me.  Maybe he’s going to be part of the invasion force?  If he is, I will be so proud of him.  We never should have signed the Good Friday Accords, or let Ireland go free.  That was the beginning of the end for the British Empire.  But with Brexit, the British Empire is coming back.  Today Ireland.  Tomorrow the so-called United States will be back with us.”

No one from the British Government would comment for this article.

An anonymous member of the Irish Government said she doubted the UK would invade:

“If they were going to invade, which I doubt they would, we would ask the European Defense Union to come to our aid.  After all, we are a part of Europe.  Then the UK would invoke Article 5 of the Nato treaty.  Do you honestly think the rest of Europe would attack itself for the sake of some power hungry British politicians?  Do you really think Trump would come to their aid?  You know how much he hates Article 5.  No, I think if the UK attacked us, we would win, and they would learn what it’s like to be occupied.”

Interstellar charities banned from providing post-Brexit relief aid to the UK
By Reporter Zed.

If Brexit leads to food shortages, interstellar charities will be barred from providing relief aid to the United Kingdom.

“All of our treaties were negotiated through the European Union,” Said Eliznat, a delegate from the Interstellar Commonwealth, to the interstellar media.  “That includes disaster relief.  Without a treaty, member civilizations of the Interstellar Commonwealth cannot make contact with any British residents.  Contact includes providing food.”

Eliznat also announced that all UFO Bases in the United Kingdom will be sealed off and all human employees will be evacuated.”

“As much as we enjoyed working with Richard Branson, and the staff of Virgin Interstellar, the bottom is that leaving the EU means resigning probationary membership in the Commonwealth.  Richard may be the most powerful man in your country, but we can only negotiate treaties with governments.  (Prime Minister Theresa May) hasn’t returned our messages.”

Maylog, a representative from Feeders Without Planets, called the Commonwealth’s decision “barbaric.”  She added:  “Nobody is saying that we need to de-cloak a freighter over London and reveal ourselves to humanity.  We just want to secretly drop supplies in front of every doorstep on the island.  That way the average British citizen doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of their government’s below average decision-making skills.”

Beth X. Burdett, a representative from Virgin Interstellar, said this decision confirmed Branson’s fears:  “Not only will people starve immediately after a no-deal Brexit, but those who survive will be denied access to the technological gifts our visitors provide humanity.  This will truly be a multi-generational disaster for the UK.  When this is over, the UK will be a fourth world country, and Richard will have no choice but to relocate to the Caribbean Islands.”

She also confirmed that Virgin Interstellar, which currently manages all the UFO Bases in the UK, would be shut down after a no-deal Brexit.

No one from the government would comment for this story.

Researchers say No-deal Brexit could harm ghosts and cryptids 

Ghosts could go deaf and the Loch Ness Monster could go extinct, according to the British Society of Paranormal and Zoological Researchers.

“People don’t understand how the European Union’s regulations protect Britain’s rich and unique paranormal ecosystem,” read the statement.  “If it weren’t for the EU, the Estes Method would have resulted in thousands of ghosts going deaf.  Without the EU’s Paranormal Ministry, who knows what kind of havoc amateur paranormal investigators would unleash on the spirit world?  We owe to our dead relatives to protect them from a no-deal Brexit.”

The statement also claims that a no-Deal Brexit will end efforts to revive the Loch Ness Monster:  “The creature is currently in a coma and is only being kept alive by scientists secretly working for the EU.  If they are denied access to Nessie, she will die, and we will never have the chance to take high definition photos of her.  This will be a loss to future generations everywhere.”

The statement also stated concerns about ghosts losing their privacy: “Current EU regulations require Spirit Boxes to sound like snippets of radio broadcasts randomly edited together.  At first, it sounds great to be able to hear the dead clearly.  But once they realize we can hear them, they will stop talking and stop haunting certain locations.  The economic impact on haunted hotels would be devastating.  Won’t the government please think of the ghosts and Cryptids that could be harmed?”

A spokesperson for the British government asked to never be contacted by the Mumbler again.

Fame “skeptical” ghost hunter Hayley Stevens told this reporter: “I was enjoying years of not being bothered by you blokes.  Why did you have to ruin it?”

Also in the Mumbler:

Human trafficking operation promised to send victims to ‘the magical village of Bolingbrook’
MP accuses aliens of abducting pro-Brexit marchers
Labour Party leader: Our Brexit will be less of a disaster than any Tory Brexit
God to smite Richard Dawkins on 29/3/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.