Web Exclusive: Atheist missionaries invade DuPage Township (Fiction)


Paula (real name withheld), an 80-year-old Romeoville resident, was surprised when the doorbell rang.  As she approached the door, she heard the sounds of people shoveling snow.  When she opened the door, a man wearing a white coat with a red “A” sticker greeted her:

Hello!  My name is John.  There is no God and there’s no cost for us to shovel this snow for you.”

The man then handed her a copy of the book, Letter to a Christian Nation.

“I appreciated the hard work they did,” said Paula.  “I didn’t appreciate that book!  Just because I believe in God does not mean I want to murder atheists.”

John is one of many atheist missionaries descending upon DuPage Township this month.  The missionaries interviewed say they are on a humanitarian mission to “help the innocent victims of strife caused by the civil war here.”  All of them said that they intended to provide services that the Township could no longer provide. Services could be suspended due to the recent resignation of the supervisor, and the trustee’s inability to work together.

“These poor people are suffering at the hands of religious fanatics,” said Elenor, a missionary who refused to give her last name.  “I thought about going to the Third World to debunk Christianity, but after I heard about this terrible civil war, I had to help out.”

None of the missionaries would name the organization sponsoring their mission. However, some anonymous sources believe that controversial atheist thought leaders Sam Harris and Richard Carrier are secretly funding them.

Leo, a missionary from the UK, said he was appalled by conditions he saw in Bolingbrook.  “There are so many religious factions in such a small space.  I understand how the government collapsed here.  I hope that in telling people that religion is fake news, we can light a new candle of enlightenment in Bolingbrook.  Or at least get most people here to question the existence of Jesus.”

Elenor added, “Do you know that the township owns cemeteries, and likes to take senior citizens on so-called trips?  I hope our vacation, I mean mission, will end the atrocities.”

Blake Z. Newton, a resident of Bolingbrook, appreciated the free food he received from the missionaries.  “I asked them where they got the food, and they said they shipped it from Canada.  Don’t get me wrong.  I liked what they did, but they could have helped the local economy by buying food in the local stores.  I also could have done without the live reading of Richard Dawkins’s tweets.  I don’t think Islam is as bad as he says it is.”

Leo said his lack of faith deepened when he met a “local thought leader.”

“This man kept going on and on about all the great things happening around here.  I tried to be nice and say that he was brave for spreading propaganda in the midsts of all the chaos here.  Do you know what he did?  He called me an ‘unapproved outsider’ then stuck a rubber fish in my face.  I told him to read God is not Great, but he ignored me.  If he wants to waste his only life, I won’t stop him.”

The missionaries didn’t say how long they will stay in DuPage Township.

An anonymous township employee said she was not aware of any missionaries operating within DuPage Township:

“I haven’t seen them.  Honestly, I’m so worried about missing a paycheck that I haven’t seen much lately.  I hope the trustees will get their act together and vote for a new Supervisor.  Then he or she can sign my paycheck.”

In the background, a man who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess said, “Okay!  There are no holidays this Friday.  We have a legal agenda, and everyone can make the meeting.  There’s no reason we can’t have our special meeting, right?”

A woman who sounded like Trustee Alyssia Benford chuckled:  “I won’t know until Friday morning.  You never know what law might crop up then.”

“We can’t keep allowing those dogs to dictate the law to us!  You there.  You’re a lawyer.  

There’s no legal reason why we can’t hold a meeting on Friday.  Right?”

“I don’t think there is, but I left my township law books at home.  You should really ask me a question about real estate law.  I know that like the back of my hand.”

“Is there anyone in this building that is familiar with the laws governing townships?

No one replied.

Note:  This is a work of fiction.