Are we living inside a computer simulation? Bolingbrook’s newest business, The Neo Center for the Study of Reality Coding, intends to find out.
At a private grand opening ceremony, attended by Mayor Roger Claar and all the village trustees, CEO Daniel C. Lovecraft explained the company purpose:
“Many billionaires, like Elon Musk, believe that the reality we live in is a computer simulation. Some have privately told us they want to escape the simulation or tweak it. We want to help these folks, and with their funding, we might find the answer, eventually.”
Lovecraft cited a Bank of America study that says the odds that we live in a simulation are between twenty and fifty percent. He added that since the odds are in favor of our reality being a computer simulation, it is a worthy investment to crack reality’s source code.
“Imagine making little changes, like giving every human unlimited access to food and water— Or even eliminating the need to eat or drink. Everything is possible, including changes to our past.”
“Like changing the results of unjust elections?” asked Trustee Maria Zarate.
“Or eliminating the need for elections, entirely,” replied Lovecraft.
“I like that idea,” said Trustee Deresa Hoogland.
Claar praised the company’s decision to relocate to Bolingbrook. “This is a top company with good-paying jobs that’s come here. Just the other day, I praised McDonald’s for rebuilding a store in Bolingbrook. Now you guys are here. That proves to me that Bolingbrook is not only good for business, it’s also good for business research.”
Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was not impressed: “Didn’t someone do a study that disproved your theory?”
“That’s fake news,” replied Lovecraft. “Besides, we’re just asking questions. There’s no harm in that.”
“Yes, but did Roger give you a tax credit for locating your office here?”
“Bob,” Claar interrupted, “If you had attended the 3 AM meeting of the Bolingbrook Quantum Computing Commission, you would know the answer to that question.”
“I’ve never heard of that commission.”
“If you had asked the Village Attorney, he would have told you about it.”
“How would I know to ask the Village Attorney? It’s not listed on the village website.”
“If you were a member of the Bolingbrook First party, you would have gotten the full orientation.”
“Yeah Bob,” added Trustee Rick Morales. “Get with the program.”
“Exactly,” said Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler. “You don’t want us to ask our new friend to edit your code, do you?”
Trustee Sheldon Watts later offered the company his blessing:
“I believe God exists in all realities and our programmers are doing God’s work. Just because our parents created us does not mean that there is no God. This is why I support STEM. All things are possible through God.”
Later, a receptionist answered a call from this reporter to Claar’s office:
“Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays. Roger is in a meeting and cannot be disturbed.”
In the background, a man who sounded like US Representative Peter Roskam said, “I just wanted to say thank you to the Bolingbrook First party for donating $1000 to my campaign.”
“You’re welcome, but don’t mention it. Our voters think we’re staying out of national politics.”
“I understand. My middle-class voters think my tax cut bill will help them.”
Both men laughed.
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Wereskunks to hold fundraiser for the Bolingbrook First Party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/15/17