Note: All spellings have been converted to US English.
Sources say that scientist and professional atheist Richard Dawkins wrote a “Dear Fanny” letter to PM Teresa May:
“I guess Richard was really mad about the general election result,” said one source. “Especially since the Liberal Democrats are still weak, and the Prime Minister might make an alliance with the Democratic Unionist Party.”
Many sources confirmed the text of the letter:
Oh, pipe down you silly person. Yes, you might lose your right to choose an abortion. Too bad your children might have to face the abuse of learning creationism in school. Quit your whining about gay rights. They probably don’t need them anyway. Stop complaining about the climate. Learn to swim, wear sunscreen, and think of famine as an opportunity to lose weight! It’s not so bad that you’re stuck inside a hard border. You also shouldn’t complain that your NHS money will be going to some unstable backwater of the British Empire. The biggest concern is that a woman who calls herself Prime Minister needs to form a majority in Parliament. She lost her majority because she just had to call an early election. Isn’t that terrible? So grow some thick skin and stop whining! At least you aren’t suffering under a Labour government!
Many of the sources say May did not respond well to the letter.
One source explained: “She wrote back saying that he wasn’t helping. I suppose this will eventually lead to a Twitter war with the Prime Minister. We’ll see who gets the last laugh once she controls access to the Internet.”
Dawkins and May could not be reached for comment.
A spokesperson for the Center for Inquiry neither confirmed or denied that the letter was authentic.
“If Richard did write it, then he was obviously trying to make a nuanced point that could be expressed in 147 words.”
No one from the DUP could be reached for comment.
A spokesperson for the Northern Ireland Nationalist Atheist Party released the following statement:
“In keeping with Irish atheist tradition, we will blame PZ Myers for the hung British Parliament. There will be a 100,000-word post explaining our reasoning. This post will also blame him for Catholicism, the British Occupation of Northern Ireland, and One Direction!”
Also in the Manchester Mumbler:
Virgin Group begins renovating Kinder Scout UFO Base
Ghost of Paul McCartney spotted in Liverpool
Underworld fail to break world record for longest concert
Dawkins to ignite Twitter on 13/6/17