Chicago police foil kidnaping of the Lake Michigan monster (Fiction)

Chicago Police Department sources say they arrested four Scottish citizens for the attempted kidnapping of Mishy, the Lake Michigan Monster.

According to the CPD,  three men and one woman were caught on a boat with a large fish net and sonar equipment.  When questioned, the group said they “had always wanted to go dragnet fishing in Lake Michigan”.  After further questioning, one of the men confessed that the group was actually trying to capture Mishy.

According to the man, the Loch Ness Monster died eight months ago.  The group hoped to capture Mishy to transport her to Loch Ness.

According to an officer, who wished to remain anonymous, “The group said tourism was suffering because of the lack of Nessie sightings.  One of them said that the town of Loch Ness has no other industry and it was a matter of saving jobs.”

The sources also agreed that the group thought Mishy wouldn’t be missed:

“They did point out the lack of Mishy sightings, and the lack of media reports, as proof that Great Lakes residents don’t care about Mishy.  I don’t know about that.  There’s just so much to do in Chicago, that we’re probably distracted when Mishy surfaces near the city. Sure we sometimes call her a lame lake monster, but we mean it affectionately.”

Since Mishy is listed as a cryptozoological creature, it is illegal to remove her from her natural environment.  Chicago police arrested the four, who are still in custody.

Clark Z. Davis, who claims to be the group’s lawyer, says his clients will be vindicated in court:

“My clients did nothing wrong, besides not having the proper export forms or knowing the arcane rules for International transport of a live animal.  They are not kidnappers!  They are British heroes! I mean Scottish heroes!  Brexit is so confusing!”

James X. Wilson, who claims to be Mishy’s trainer, says she belongs in Lake Michigan and promises more spectacular displays from her:

“We’ve been making progress since our first training session in Lake Geneva.  Since then we’ve been training along upper Lake Michigan.  A TV station did a story about her, and she’s been on YouTube!  She’s almost ready for prime time.”

Wilson walked past the Chicago Lakefront Trail and called out to Mishy:  “Do the hump trick.”

A small wave formed.

“Hump trick!”

Another wave formed.

“Not in the mood today?  No problem.  Stick your neck up!”

A vaguely shaped object surfaced.

“You look like a branch of a sunken log!  Stick your neck up higher!”

The object rolled underwater.

“I don’t blame you.”

Wilson jumped into the lake and swam out several feet.

“OK, Mishy!  Toss me in the air!”

Wilson bobbed in the water.

“That’s better.  See?  This is why I have the best job in city government!”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  Certain lawyers only cause “trouble”
Bolingbrook police rescue ‘Royce Road Truther’ from floodwaters
Bolingbrook United asks for embassy at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/4/17

Web Exclusive: Police save Village Board meeting from performance artists (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook police secret cybercrime team prevented the April 25 board meeting from becoming a work of “performance art.”

According to police inside sources, the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook tried to promote the 4/25/17 Village Board meeting as an “encore presentation of our greatest play, Village of the Bored!”  Since 1983, members of the mysterious league have attempted to “re-appropriate” public events in Bolingbrook as works of performance art.  Their most notable production was the 6/9/09  Village Board meeting.  Their last production was A Village for Old Men in 2015, which appropriated Bolingbrook’s celebration of its 50th anniversary.

A member of the cybercrime team, who asked to be called Anita, explained why the team couldn’t let this performance go on:  “These hoaxes start out as jokes. They are like broken windows.  They lead to greater crimes.  So today it’s people sending out phony press releases.  Tomorrow it’s people sending death threats for ‘the lulz.’  In a few weeks, the village board is hiding in elevator shafts, and the village is overrun with Internet trolls.  Our actions saved Bolingbrook.”

The sources agreed that the Bolingbrook police asked local newspapers not to cover the league’s press releases, and compelled Facebook to remove posts mentioning Village of the Bored.  On the day of the meeting, officers were on the alert for people handing out flyers or “program guides” for the “play.”

Team member “Zoe,” (not her real name), described how she protected Town Center: “I was standing by the door when I saw this guy with a backpack walking towards me.  I told him I wanted to search it.  He called me a TSA Officer in the airport of life.  I approached him, and he ran away.  I’m pretty sure he was a member of the league.  I protected (Mayor Roger Claar) from having to read a ridiculous pamphlet.”

Two men did hear about the “performance.”

Dave described his experience:  “I was excited at first.  The mayor mentioned a canvas, and I thought it was going to be an audience participation activity.  As the meeting went on, something seemed off.  I checked the Bolingbrook website and realized I was watching a real meeting.  I was so embarrassed that I left before the mayor could laugh at me.”

John was less charitable:  “The writer of this play needed to show boredom not bore the audience!  That attempt at a tear-jerking speech near the end didn’t save this lazy production!”

The Bolingbrook Performance Art League sent an e-mail to the Babbler announcing that their next project would be placing frozen peaches around the village “to remind Roger that Bolingbrook is a part of the United States, and we will speak out no matter what.”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said that he was “giving an orientation to Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz”, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Look at all these fine beverages I keep in my office bar.  You know what, Bob?  None of them are for you.”

Bolingbrook Placebo March draws twenty marchers (Fiction)

Twenty people joined the Bolingbrook Placebo March to protest “materialistic science.”

Sign that reads, "I am Storm."

A Placebo marcher holds up an “I am Storm” sign. The imagery is from the “Storm” online short film.

“Science teaches us that ghosts aren’t real, we inherit traits from our family members, and CO2 is bad,” said Patrick Z. Williams, march organizer.  “Well, if I descended from my cousin, why is my cousin still around?”

Many of the marchers said they supported President Donald Trump’s proposed cuts to scientific and medical research.  While critics of the cuts say they will harm innovation and stifle scientific research, the marchers pointed to Cook County.

Janet X Carlson said: “Ever since the University of Chicago was founded, crime, atheism, political corruption, alcoholism, and loud music have skyrocketed in Cook County. It is no coincidence that the two science marches in Chicagoland took place in Cook County.  Science is crooked!”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, added: “Donald Trump is great without science!  Getting rid of science will make America great again — no matter what Bill Nye says!

Though the march was not political, some members wanted the village to grant more business licenses to homeopathic and naturopathic practitioners.  Some also called for Bolingbrook to ban “unsafe” vaccines.

Janet explained: “If the mayor, or whoever is in charge, doesn’t act fast, all of Bolingbrook’s residents will be autistic within ten years!”

Williams, using a dangling crystal as a guide, started the march at the Fountaindale Public Library. He seemed to lead the marchers in random directions.  Several minutes later, Williams lead the march across the street to Village Hall.  The marchers made their way to a car parked in a no parking fire zone.

There Williams stated: “We must be radiating positive energy. The mayor is here!”  After marching around the building and chanting, they arrived outside Mayor Roger Claar’s office patio.  After a few more chants, Claar stepped outside and addressed them.

“You know, just because you have the right to protest doesn’t mean you should.  You guys are giving me a headache!  And don’t even think about running for office.  I had to spend over $200,000 on the last campaign!  That’s money that could have gone towards scholarships, church donations, new cars, and trips to meet constituents around the world!  Now go home before I call my police department!”

At first, the marchers seemed demoralized.  Then Williams addressed them:

“I just played back what he said with my reverse speech app.  He really likes us!”

The marchers then started chanting “Roger” and “Science sucks.”  Five minutes later, a police officer asked them to leave.

“This was a very successful march,” said Williams.  “We didn’t have the numbers that the March for Science did, but we met the mayor, so that means our march was more potent! “  He added: “Honestly, what has science done for Bolingbrook?  Aside from Adventist Hospital, the Internet, and Whalon Lake?  Well, there is material science that allows WeatherTech to make great floor covers, but the CEO supports Trump, so I guess it’s OK.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar: Government shutdown won’t affect Clow UFO Base
Chicago Scientists breed plant eating cat
Aliens arrested at Chicago March for Science
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/28/17

Web Exclusive: Illuminati celebrates Mayor Claar’s re-election (Fiction)

The Illuminati kept its hold on Bolingbrook as Mayor Roger Claar defeated New World Order backed challenger, Jackie Traynere, by 151 votes.  The win means the Illuminati will maintain in control of Clow UFO Base.

Shortly after Traynere conceded, Claar addressed an Illuminati victory party in a hidden room at Lou Malnati’s in Bolingbrook:

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The Cook County Democrats and their Bolingbrook United puppets just learned a valuable lesson: Nothing conquers my campaign fund!  I had to spend over $235,000 dollars for this victory!  It was worth it, don’t you agree?”

Claar added that media outlets considered the race a referendum on President Trump’s performance.

“I guess Trump is doing just fine,”  Claar said.

Village Clerk Carol Penning, who narrowly won re-election herself, was especially happy.

“Our opponents wanted to conduct an audit.  Well, we’re going to do our own audit, if you know what I mean.”

Trustee Michael Lawler later walked up to the podium and held up a glass of what appeared to be orange juice, but was actually a screwdriver. “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty for more!”

Trustee Maria Zarate thanked the crowd and promised to keep doing her best to “illuminate Bolingbrook.”

Defeated Trustee Sheldon Watts delivered an emotional concession speech: “It pains me to be the first member of Roger’s slate to lose in the 21st Century.  I will take some comfort knowing that Roger is still Bolingbrook!”

Claar again addressed the crowd. He promised them that: “Watts would return, once the next step on the Illuminated Path is complete.”

Claar also had another promise: “Those of you who truly support me will never know thirst.  Ford!”

At an undisclosed location, members of the New World Order celebrated Robert Jaskiewicz’s victory, making him the first opposition candidate elected to Bolingbrook in the 21st Century.  The crowd chanted “Bolingbrook’s for Bob” as he approached the podium.

“To the nearly half of voters who voted against Roger, I say that you now have a voice on the Village Board.  It would have been nice to have company on the board, but we’ll take what we can and build on it.”  He added: “For decades, the New World Order helped Roger build Bolingbrook.  He betrayed us for the fake Illuminati.  Roger, I look forward to working with you, but my mission is clear.  I’m going to put Bolingbrook back in order.  If you know what I mean.”

Fascist aliens launch surprise attack on Bolingbrook (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A “free speech” rally by alien fascists quickly turned into a military-style assault on Bolingbrook and Clow UFO Base.

Explained Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown: “This was not a riot.  This was not a misunderstanding. This was a coordinated attack against Bolingbrook!  It failed!”

The aliens, who said they were members of the “Superior Right,” started their rally inside Embassy Row Park.  Promotional materials for the rally claimed it would feature controversial speakers from around the galaxy.  Instead, the MC walked on stage and made an announcement: “We just got the signal from Berkeley.  You know what to do!”

The fascist aliens, some wielding improvised weapons, started attacking humans.

Jacob, a Clow staff member, survived the alien fascist attack.  “I thought they were going to praise Bolingbrook’s commitment to free speech.  Then this alien wearing a swastika shirt charged at me.  He didn’t look like a Raelian. Fortunately, a Man in Blue stepped in before he could hurt me.”

That attacker also tried to storm the Illuminati and the Rosicrucians embassies.  Over 100 were injured before Clow security subdued all the attackers.  There were no deaths.

At the same time, two UFOs de-cloaked and attacked Bolingbrook.  One appeared over the Bolingbrook Golf Club and the other over Walmart.

George, who asked that we not use his last name, witnessed the attack at the golf club.  “I had just swung the ball, and I saw it ricochet in mid-air.  My first thought was that all the stories about Bolingbrook and UFOs were true.  Then I wondered if there was a rule about balls hitting UFOs.  Anyway, it became visible a few minutes later.  It’s hard to describe the craft, but on it were the words ‘This machine kills anti-fascists!’  I hopped into the golf cart and sped away before the craft started shooting.  I didn’t realize aliens hated this golf course so much.”

Eyewitnesses say this UFO was destroyed by Clow’s anti-UFO drones.

Other eyewitnesses credit Jill Z. Palmer wth stopping the attack on Walmart.

“I didn’t do anything special,” said Palmer.  “The UFO landed and the aliens rushed out of the ship.  I was the first human they tried to punch.  Fortunately, I know MMA, so I held them off for a bit.  I asked them why they wanted to punch humans.  One of them said they wanted to show the human race that fascists punch back.  Another pointed a scanner at me and told me that it said I was inferior.  I asked if he had ever used it on himself.  He did.  Then he made a weird facial expression.  He scanned his fellow fascists too.  This is the weird part.  They stopped fighting and recorded a selfie.  They talked about how tough they were and how they beat us all up.  Then they flew away.”

Brown praised the Department of Extraterrestrial Affairs for the coverup of the attack.

“When (Mayor Roger Claar) comes home, he won’t suspect a thing.”

Brown then issued a warning.  “If you are a fascist, gang member or a communist, do not attack Bolingbrook.  We will not strike first, but we will strike last!”

Also in the Babbler:

Residents relieved the world didn’t end last weekend
Naperville considers buying powered armor suits for the police
Lisle police protect Easter Bunny from atheist hunters
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/20/17

Chicagoland’s Science March locations (Out of Character)

The Science March will be held on April, 22, which organizers describe as, “(The) first step of a global movement to defend the vital role science plays in our health, safety, economies, and governments.”  The main march will be in Washington, DC.  Below are the Chicagoland satellite marches:

ChicagoRally starts at 10:00 am.  Enter Columbus Dr. from Congress Pkwy.  The rally stage will be on Columbus Dr., just south of E. Jackson Dr.  The march will start at 12:00 PM from the stage and go to the Museum Campus, where there will be an expo.

Palatine: Marchers will gather at the Palatine Library in Room 1 at 11:00 am.  March is expected to begin around 11:20 am.

Links to other marches around the world can be found here.

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar denies he’s ‘evacuating’ from Bolingbrook this weekend (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar insisted that his trip to Saturn’s moon Enceladus is a vacation, and not related to a possible war with North Korea.

“You guys are always jumping to conclusions!”  Said Claar.  “Let me set you straight.  You just found out about this trip, so you assumed that I am evacuating from Bolingbrook.  I’m not!”

Claar insists that his family was invited by Melania Trump to attend the grand opening of the Trump Enceladus Resort. He did not explain why the trip was only added to his itinerary this week.

“That’s just how things worked out,”  Claar replied.

Claar added that he was looking forward to the wine and cheese event on Saturday.  “The bacteria on Enceladus is used to make the best cheese in the solar system.  That moon just happened to be in the news when Melania called. I had to say yes because it is a great honor to be invited to taste that cheese.”

Claar added that the bacteria are grown on the surface of Enceladus. According to Claar, cheese production does not affect the underground ocean.

Another event Claar said he was looking forward to is the Easter Egg Roll. “This is the event she actually put effort into.  It will be much better than the White House event.  The low gravity will make it fun to watch.”

When reporters from the interstellar media kept asking questions about the possibility of World War III, Claar finally answered them.  “In the unlikely event of a nuclear war with China or Russia, I have ensured the continuity of government while I am away. Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown will be in the bunker below the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  The other trustees will be safe at Clow UFO Base.  Bob (Jaskiewicz) will have to fend for himself until he’s sworn in as trustee.”

Claar then handed a Brown a tablet and the key to open its case.

“I’m handing Bolingbrook over to you.  I’m sure you’ll do a good job like you always do.”

Brown sighed.  “Thanks a lot, Roger.”

Claar said he should be back before April 25, “barring any unforeseen events.”

Web Exclusive: Space alien announces candidacy against Representative Roskam (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien tycoon Zolkbolt announced his candidacy against Representative Peter Roskam (R), in the Sixth Congressional District.

Zolkbolt joins an already crowded field of Democratic candidates.  However, she is not intimidated.

“With my superior education and a US citizen host, I will be unstoppable in both the primary and the general election.  I am over 200 of your Earth years old, which will appeal to the conservative voters in the district.  My platform is out of this world, which will appeal to both the liberal and open-minded voters in the district.  I have more US dollars than all of the parties combined.  My message to Roskam is simple: I bought your browsing history.  Do the words ‘map porn’ mean anything to you?”

After accusing her opponents of “conventional thinking,” she offered her plan to pay off the US Debt:

“Astroid mining!  Even with inefficient government management, enough materials could be extracted to pay off the debt and fund the government for thousands of years!

Zolkbolt made her fortune trading cow manure from Earth in exchange for GMO prototype seeds.  She says that she has sold her business so she can concentrate on the campaign.

Legally, covert law scholars disagree if Zolkbolt is eligible to run.  The New World Order forbids aliens from running for office, but the Illuminati will grant permission in special cases.  With control of Congress in flux between the two groups, the interstellar courts could eventually settle the issue.

An anonymous spokesperson for Democratic candidate Amanda Howland denounced Zolkbolt.

“There are enough humans running in this race right now.  We don’t need an alien joining the race.  We need to come together around the only candidate who has experience running against Roskam!  The aliens can keep Bolingbrook.  The Sixth District wants a humane human like Amanda to represent them.”

A staffer at Roskam’s office said he was busy selecting constituents to meet with this week.

In the background, a man said, “Peter, you have to hold a town hall meeting soon.  The voters think you’re avoiding them.”

“No way!”  Said a man who sounded like Roskam.  “Do you realize how hard it is to gaslight an entire auditorium of people?  When this campaign is finished, my supporters will vote for me, and my opponents will be paralyzed with indecision.  Trust me.”

Reza Aslan filmed the lost “Flying Spaghetti Monster” episode in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Flying Spaghetti Monster

Is Bolingbrook a holy village for some followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Eyewitnesses, and a recovered transcript, confirm that Reza Aslan filmed an episode of Believer in Bolingbrook about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

“I know we have a lot of churches here,” said eyewitness Blake Q. Sampson, “But I never thought of Bolingbrook as a spiritual place.  He said it is, and how can I argue with him?”

Other eyewitness saw him walking around the Promenade, being recorded eating various pasta dishes.

Anwar, who asked that we not use his last name, overheard one of the taping sessions.  “I was going to say hi to him after the taping.  Then when the camera started rolling, he said, ‘I had to be open minded to the possibility that the universe was created by a drunk deity.’  When he put a pasta colander on his head, I quietly walked away.”

Other eyewitnesses claim to have seen Aslan on one of the islands of Whalon Lake, meditating while wearing a pirate outfit.

Officially, the Flying Spaghetti Monster started in 2005 as satirical character meant to criticize creationism.  It has since become a quasi-religion that is recognized in the Netherlands and New Zealand. Most followers do not believe in a literal Flying Spaghetti, but enjoy following Pastafarian customs.  Bolingbrook is not mentioned on the official web page, and has no special significance among mainstream followers.

However, sources say there is a splinter sect that believes Bolingbrook is a holy site, Jacob, who claims to have worked on Believer, said that this sect is the reason Aslan came to Bolingbrook.

“You know we can’t do an episode without a feature on an obscure religious faction,” he said.

Jacob provided a partial transcript, which describes a dramatic confrontation:

Voiceover: Mockery!  Parody!  Contempt!  Is this the future promised by the anti-theists?  I was starting to feel hopeless.

(Aslan reading an e-mail.)

Voiceover:  Then I received a message.  Was what I was searching for to be found in Illinois?

(Shots of Bolingbrook, IL)

VoiceoverBolingbrook.  A village of over 70,000 people.  The contradiction already appealed to me.  Sam X. Clarence’s e-mail said that his sect believed that this is a holy village.  I had to find out.  I met Sam outside the Church of Christopher Hitchens, a combination bar and atheist community center in Bolingbrook).

Clarence (wearing a pirate outfit):  Arrr!

Aslan:  You really take this seriously!

Clarence:  You will too, once I reveal the truth!  Come inside.

Voiceover:  As I walked toward the bar, I felt a malevolent presence touch my soul.  It seemed to affect all the patrons as well.

(Shots of patrons glaring at Aslan.)

Patron:  Waitress?  Can you put some bacon fat in my beer?  And can you give me a pen so I can draw a picture of Muhammad?

(They sit at a table.)

Aslan:  So you believe that the church’s teachings are incorrect?

Clarence:  I know they are!  I’ll tell you the story.  In 1976, a Chicago Tribune journalist visited Bolingbrook.  He called his wife to say he loved her, then vanished.  Never to be seen again.  I found his last message.

(Clarence places laminated papers on the table)

Clarence:  It’s remarkably similar to The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and the Loose Cannon.  It was written in 1976.  1976!  That proves the Flying Spaghetti Monster is real!

Aslan:  You also said that there are differences between what is in this document, and what is taught in mainline Pastafarianism.

Clarence:  Yes.Yes!  You see, in this work, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is a god-like creature, not God!  Evolution is real!  The Earth really is billions of years old!  Do you know who she really is?

Aslan:  She?

Clarence:  She is the first atheist in the universe.  She is a transcendent being.  Atheism opened the gateway to higher dimensions!  Do you know what this means?

Aslan:  No?

Clarence:  Atheism is more than the mere lack of belief in gods!

(A tray crashes on the floor.  Both turn.  A waitress is staring at them.  Her eyes widen as she points at them.)

WaitressAtheism Plus!

(Angry patrons stand and glare at them.)

Crew member:  Save the equipment!

(Cut to outside the bar.)

Manager:  Don’t you ever bring your heresy in here again.  Get your act together or you will spend an eternity drinking stale beer from the beer volcano and your strippers will have STDs!  The New Pastament: An Announcement Regarding the Afterlife!

Clarence:  You mention the strippers.  In Blag Hag

Manager:  How dare you quote the Blag Hag at me?

Clarence:  What?  You honestly believe that a college student created Boobquake by herself?  That miraculous event proved that she was touched by her noodly appendages—

Manager:  His noodly appendages!

Clarence:  Her noodly appendages!

Manage:  His!

Clarence:  Hers!

(They keep repeating.)

Voiceover:  As they argued doctrine,  I felt a new presence overcome me.  Could it be that out of the hate and mockery promoted by New Atheism, a new theism arose?  The thought moved me so much that it brought me, a devout muslim to say—

Aslan:  Ramen!

(The crowd stops arguing and silently stares at Aslan.)

Though the episode is complete, Jacob says it will not be aired.

“We later found out that there are only five members of this sect.  We were kind of pushing it when we featured the independent sects of Scientology.  There was no way we could broadcast this episode without being laughed at.”

Jacob is hopeful that some parts of the episode will be available in the future.  “Next season, we’re doing a show on humanism.  We’re going to argue that religious humanism is the wave of the future.  Who knows? We might come back to film services at the Ethical Humanist Society, Beth Chaverim, and Kol Hadash.”

Also in the Babbler:

Jared Kushner will meet with Mayor Claar ‘the day after peace comes to the Middle East’
Northern Will County Agency considers bringing Lake Superior water to Bolingbrook
Aliens divert astroid from hitting Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/14/17

Election fallout! A Bolingbrook Babbler special report (Fiction)

The results from the municipal election 4, 2017 municipal election are still sending shockwaves around Chicagoland.  The following is a special report on the stories the mainstream media are not covering.

Priory of Sion sends more election observers to Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

With the Bolingbrook election down to valid provisional ballots and absentee ballots, the Priory of Sion’s electoral monitoring team summoned more observers.  The winner of the mayoral race will determine whether the Illuminati or the New World Order will control Clow UFO Base.

“We have been entrusted by the New World Order and the Illuminati to make sure this is a fair election,”  said high observer Rene Fludd.  “With the vote count this close, and the stakes so high, we would rather have too many observers, than too few.”

The current vote tally has Mayor Roger Claar, a member of the Bolingbrook First party, ahead by 102 votes over Bolingbrook United candidate Jackie Traynere.  Claar officially switched allegiance to the Illuminati following Donald Trump’s victory in November.  Traynere is allied with the New World Order.

“We know that there are people who will try to fool us,” said Fludd.  “Just remember, we are the people who convinced Christians that Jesus died on the cross, and fooled atheists into believing that Jesus never existed.  It is not so easy to trick us.”

Traynere could not be reached for comment.

The receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke: “Looks like we’re going to be losing Trustee Sheldon Watts and Bolingbrook United will gain Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz.

“Is that bad?”  Asked someone.

“Yes, but I have a plan for the next term.  We’ll keep doing what we always do and if something goes wrong, we’ll blame Bob.  Agree with me.”

“We agree,” replied the group.

Admins of anti-Claar Facebook page granted asylum in Florida 

Sources say the admins of the Facebook group Vote Roger Claar out in 2017 fled Bolingbrook following’s Claar apparent victory.  They also say the admins have been granted asylum in Little Bolingbrook, a community hidden somewhere in Florida.

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, explained why they left: “Roger is a very powerful mayor with a temper.  Unless you’re a competent lawyer or a politician with lots of connections, he can make your life hell.  My friends just couldn’t take that chance.”

Little Bolingbrook was founded in the 1990s by former politicians, business owners, and activists who tried to defeat Claar but failed.  It is unknown how many former Bolingbrook residents live there, but estimates range from 1 to 1000.

Little Bolingbrook Mayor Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea released the following statement: The admins of this Facebook group are safe behind our city’s gates.  Roger’s evil hands cannot touch them here.  His hit and run trustee cannot drive here.  His slanderous trustees, who accuse us of investigating a school board member to death, have no platform here.  The admins will stay here until 2021 when they will return to post about the election that will finally bring down Roger.  Then I will return in 2025 to destroy Bolingbrook United and assume my rightful role as Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Lisle’s trees fire Mayor Broda

Lisle’s Treeocracy fired Mayor Joe Broda and announced Chris Pecak as his replacement.

“After sixteen years,” read a statement from the sentient trees, “Joe became boring.  We do not like boring.  We don’t expect to be bored by Chris, and we expect him to be our loyal servant and entertainer.”

Paula, a Lisle resident who asked that her last name not be used, recalled when the trees ordered her to vote for Pecak:

“I had just stepped out of my car when a branch touched my shoulder.  I heard a whisper tell me to vote for Chris.  I was going to vote for Joe, because I thought the trees wanted me to.  I didn’t know they had changed their minds.  But they told me and I did what they said.  I think— I know it’s for the best.  The trees love Lisle.  Lisle loves the trees.  I love the trees!”

A spokesperson for Pecak’s party, Prosperity for Lisle, said, “Chris will do whatever the trees want him to do.  Now go away!”

Broda, reached by phone, said, “As if this week couldn’t get any worse?  I thought the trees kicked you out of the village years ago.”