Web exclusive: Producer vows to bring ‘The Bob Jaskiewicz Show’ to BCTV (Fiction)

Will controversial Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz have a show on Bolingbrook Community Television?  One BCTV producer is working to make it a reality.

“For too long, BCTV has broadcast shows that are either propaganda for (Mayor Roger Claar), inoffensive recordings of community events, cover band performances, overly religious programs, or unwatchable government meetings,” said Timothy Z. Deeth.  “For once, I want BCTV to broadcast a show that Roger will hate, and I will make it happen!”

Deeth said he secretly recorded a pilot of the show using impersonators to portray Jaskiewicz and members of the Bolingbrook United party.  “I figured it would make a better impression if I showed Bob a video first, rather than talk about the show.”

In one excerpt from the pilot, a Jaskiewicz impersonator introduces a segment:

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Now it’s time for Trash Talk, when I talk about Bolingbrook’s garbage collection policies.  Roger implies that only liberals support using trash bins, but my next guest disagrees.  He’s a resident of Naperville, and he thinks trash bins are great.

Deeth said the show would give Jaskiewicz an opportunity to promote community service groups that Claar “either ignores or dislikes.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator:  Hey!  Look who just walked into the studio.  It’s local Girl Scout leader Jaime Olson!

Olson Impersonator:  (Walks into view of the camera.)  Hi Bob.  My troop and I are donating office supplies to Power Connection!  They serve the Bolingbrook community by running a food pantry, thrift store, and by offering vocational training classes.  Bolingbrook should be proud to be the home of an organization like Power Connection!

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: We should be.  You know, Roger rarely talks about Power Connection.

Olson Impersonator: This is the same mayor who opposed a Salvation Army Store in Bolingbrook.  I think he doesn’t believe there are poor people in Bolingbrook.  We know better, and that’s why I’m proud to help out Power Connection.

Deeth also said the show could do more than provide interviews and lectures.  “We can have musical guests and skits.  We even included an example in the pilot.”

Jaskiewicz Impersonator: Wow, look who just walked into the studio.  It’s Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere!

Traynere Impersonator:  Hi.  I just happened to be in the neighborhood with Allied Forces, the number one Triumph cover band in Chicagoland, and we decided to stop by.  Bob, you are the citizens’ trustee.  You represent the rest of Bolingbrook at board meetings, not the special interests who fund the Bolingbrook First party.  That’s why the mayor and the other trustees are always attacking you.  I know it’s hard, and their harassment can make you feel like giving up.  So I wanted to give you some inspiration.  Hit it guys!

Band plays “Fight the Good Fight.”

Deeth says he hopes to show the pilot show to Jaskiewicz in the next few weeks.  He’s optimistic that Jaskiewicz will agree to let him produce the show.  “The resistance is finally coming to BCTV!  I can’t wait.”

A spokesperson for Jaskiewicz said he would not comment until he saw Deeth’s presentation.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed.  “I doubt he’ll allow such a show on BCTV, and you know he always gets his way in Bolingbrook.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, this is the statement we’re going to post on the Bolingbrook First page about Bob’s vicious attack against the village staff.”

“Interesting,” said Charlene.  “I saw the January 23 meeting, and I don’t recall Bob accusing the staff of deliberately leaving him out of the community directory.”

“He said he ‘didn’t know if it was a clerical error or what.’ ‘Or what,’ includes deliberately leaving him out the directory. Therefore we can say he implied the village staff deliberately left him out of the directory. They didn’t, so it’s vicious attack.”

“Oooh!  I like your reasoning!  There is a problem though.  Posting this will give the impression that your trustees didn’t know about the error until after Bob mentioned it.  Their silence during that meeting also implies they were too intimidated by Bob to defend the village staff.  Some people might conclude that your trustees are weak.”

“Why would I want strong trustees?”

“Good point.”

Clow UFO Base withstands snowstorm (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base praised their ability to remain operational, despite getting nearly a foot of snow over the weekend.

“The Chicagoland airports canceled fights, but our unofficial motto is ‘we never close!’” said one official. “OK, we did cancel an ice cream social, but we’re a UFO Base, not an ice cream parlor!”

Xopolx, a resident of the Trappist system, praised the staff of Clow UFO Base for how they handled the storm: “We were nice and warm. There were no supply shortages, and I was able to conduct my business here without any issues. Oh, I’m also supposed to say thanks to Mayor Roger Claar, but I don’t know why. Silly human rules I guess.”

No flights were canceled, though some aliens reported difficulties landing at Clow. Oglock, a resident of the Kapteyn system, said his crew missed the landing pad entirely: “When we were approaching Earth, our sensors detected a car flying through space. We thought our sensors were faulty, so we turned them off. Now we know it was that Tesla car a billionaire launched into orbit. Anyway, we attempted a visual approach to Bolingbrook. We saw an area with paved streets, and we thought that was a landing spot. It turns out it was the mayor’s subdivision. When Roger approached our ship, we thought we were going to get the royal treatment. Instead, he swore at us and told us to get off his lawn. At least he gave us directions to Clow after threatening to blow up our ship.”

Some aliens were amused at the way Bolingbrook’s residents handled the storm: “I loved sitting in the cloaked observation tower watching all the cars spin out on Weber and Boughton roads,” said Gopol, a resident of Pluto. “Our winters last for centuries, our atmosphere freezes, and our planet turns into a ball of ice. Yes, I said planet. Deal with it.”

Some aliens tried to help out Bolingbrook residents. Keloko, who did not identify her planet of origin, said she tried to clear off some streets with a heat ray: “The men in blue stopped me and said I was breaking the rules. I told them I was trying to help, and the men said the plows would take care of the street. When I asked where were they, the men said they had to handle the important streets first. I think all streets matter, but whatever.”

Keloko said she was allowed to deliver supplies to residents who were stuck at home: “One said I was an angel and asked how she could repay me. I said she should go to the Bolingbrook United fundraiser on February 13 and support a party that would try to keep all the streets clear. She said if that’s what God wanted her to do, then she would do it. I guess human superstitions can be useful.”

In an email to the Babbler, Claar wrote, “Snow will be removed when it is removed like it has been since I’ve been in charge. There is no reason to change. Now is the time to unite behind the Bolingbrook First Party and me. It is easy to whine. It takes effort to make wine!”

Gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepts Illuminati endorsement (Fiction)

Republican gubernatorial candidate Jeanne Ives accepted the Illuminati’s endorsement during a secret ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Jeanne Ives standing next to a tank

State Representative Jeanne Ives.

“Your endorsement means so much to me,” said Ives.  “Throughout my career, I have fought the New World Order’s agenda of creating a one-world, secular,  overly tolerant, world government. Just between you and me, their goals have always struck me as queer.”

Ives admitted that she initially had her concerns about the Illuminati. “All my favorite websites treat the Illuminati like it’s an evil organization.  So I thought they were tempting me to Satan’s side.  Now I understand the Illuminati’s ultimate goal is to create global chaos. The liberal media makes ‘chaos’ out to be a scary word.  All it means is tearing down an oppressive government and creating the opportunity for freedom: The freedom to ban abortion.  The freedom to tell gays they can’t get married.  The freedom to keep the suburbs pure; our rural areas devout; and the freedom to quarantine Chicago.”

Ives also defended her controversial ad mocking transgender people for using the bathroom of their choice.  “I will say anything to take down (Governor Bruce Rauner).  Right now I’m behind in the polls.  The Republicans are a conservative party.  Conservatives hate (slur deleted) because they challenge our belief that there are only two genders, and God chooses which one you are.  We hate difference.  We fear change.  If I can tie the governor to something Republicans fear and hate, then I will win the nomination.  Some bleeding hearts say I’m promoting harmful stereotypes, and contributing to a hostile environment against transpeople.  Tough!  I’m going to take this state back to the 1850s, and you can either get on the wagon or get run over!”

As governor, Ives also promised to protect Bolingbrook residents from “creeping Sharia law,” and hoped Mayor Roger Claar would cooperate with her.  Though Claar performed the Illuminati’s glowing orb ceremony before she walked on stage, he left before she started her speech.

Ives concluded by saying, “Bruce is a member of the New World Order.  If you are a Christian, it is your duty to oppose the New World Order.  Fnord!”

A receptionist for Claar denied that an Illuminati event happened at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  “I loved those books back in the 1970s, but then I grew up and became a wholesome Bolingbrook resident.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “What do you mean you couldn’t kick him off the ballot?  We can’t have a Nazi representing our party in the Illinois Third Congressional race!  Maybe we can persuade Representative Lipinski to switch sides?  He is a Democrat in name only.”

Also in the Babbler:

Three aliens arrested after celebrating Eagles’ Super Bowl win
Russian Twitter bot spotted in Naperville
Some Bolingbrook residents fear ‘traffic apocalypse’ if second Andy’s location opens
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/18

Illinois gubernatorial candidate Chris Kennedy vows to shut down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Chris Kennedy, a Democratic candidate for governor, promised to shut down Clow UFO Base if elected.

“Space aliens have no business in Illinois,” said Kennedy, during a surprise appearance in front of Bolingbrook’s Clow Airport.  “They kidnap the underprivileged, drive up home prices, and fund corrupt candidates like J.B. Pritzker.  Closing Clow UFO Base will send a message to the Deep State that we will not let you run our state.  I love that Governor Bruce Rauner is speaking out against pro-UFO politicians like Michael Madigan and Rahm Emanuel.”

Kennedy also said that the only Republican he didn’t like was Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “He says Bolingbrook is growing, but how many residents are really humans?  Roger Claar is part of a deliberate effort to alienate Illinois!”

Kennedy spoke in front of Clow for 10 minutes before security asked him to leave.

“My campaign may be broke,” said Kennedy, as he was escorted off airport property.  “I may not have the support of the media, but I have the truth, and that will lead me to victory!”

An anonymous member of the Kennedy campaign said the Clow event was an attempt to energize the campaign.  “We scored a big hit when we accused Rahm of trying to drive out people of color from Chicago.  We wanted to do something similar to shore up the white vote, but we had to do it in a way that wouldn’t offend our progressive allies.  We thought getting rid of space aliens was the way to go.  Plus, we might even get some votes from Alex Jones’ fans.”

Pritzker did not address the content of Kennedy’s speech but did praise Bolingbrook: “I loved canvassing in Bolingbrook.  There are some great people there.  I didn’t see any UFOs in Bolingbrook, but I did get an endorsement from Jackie Traynere.

A spokesperson for the Daniel Biss campaign also didn’t comment directly on the speech, saying: “We hope that Illinoisans will support our down to earth campaign.”

The receptionist at Claar’s office denied the event happened.  “There is no UFO Base on the grounds of Clow Airport.  Just between you and me, I heard that your articles bring tourists into Bolingbrook.  That’s why Roger puts up with your paper.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Bob, you’ve been complaining about how I haven’t told residents about our new trash fee.  So here’s a letter I’m going to send to every homeowner.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “You’re naming the fee after me?”

“Don’t say I never did anything for you.”

Also in the Babbler:

No zombies at Bolingbrook United fundraiser
Claar: Village, not state, should regulate local mind-control cells
Bolingbrook man charged with assaulting alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/1/18

One year at FTB (Non-fiction)

A year ago, I took a chance and applied to join Freethought Blogs.  To my very pleasant surprise, I was accepted, and I’ve enjoyed the experience.  It is an honor to be able to contribute to a network I’ve been a fan of for years.

So thank you to the bloggers who took a chance on me, and thanks to all the readers who have visited.  I look forward to contributing more stories for a very long time.

If you want to help me celebrate a year on FTB, please consider donating to our legal defense fund.

Bolingbrook’s ‘unofficial’ political parties respond to the 2018 State of the Village address (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar delivered the 2018 State of the Village address last week.  As in the past, we have asked Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond.  The official opposition party, Bolingbrook United, sent us their response.  Below are the replies we received from Bolingbrook’s unofficial opposition parties: The Roger Claar Party, The Chicagoland Party, The Art Bell Party, and the Bolingbrook Pride Party.

The Roger Claar Party

“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Claar.

Wow!  What a great speech!  I’m still in tears.  We’ve grown so much, and become so successful as a village.  We have Mayor Roger Claar to thank for making Bolingbrook the best community in the world!  Personally, I think we’re so successful that Money Magazine secretly decided to retire us from their listings to give other places a chance to be listed.

…But imagine how much greater Roger could be if he weren’t shackled by the Me First Roger Second party?  They say they support Roger, but do they?  Why aren’t they physically throwing themselves in front of a certain trustee to prevent him from entering Village Hall?  Why aren’t they investigating anyone with ties to Cook County? What is their real agenda?

Our real agenda is clear.  We want to help Roger take Bolingbrook to the next level.  We want this term to be so successful, that he’ll decide to run for reelection.  We want the world to see what can happen when a political party lets Roger be Roger.

Will you help us?

The Chicagoland Party

“Stop dividing us.”

When you look down at the Chicago area from space, you don’t Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago.  You see one large community.

Unfortunately, the situation on the ground is much different.  Chicagoland is needlessly divided by artificial political lines.  We send our teenagers to compete in sports competitions against each other.  We say people within one imaginary boundary are better than another.

We are not Bolingbrook, Naperville, or Chicago or any other name.  We are Chicagoland, and for the good of our community, we need to stop dividing ourselves.

Roger brags about Bolingbrook, but the truth is our success is the result of being part of Chicagoland.  There is no wall separating us from the rest of Chicagoland.  Corporations move here because they want to be a part of Chicagoland.  How many people live here, but work in the surrounding communities?

It’s time for a bold leadership that will do away with suburbs, including Bolingbrook.  It’s time for us to embrace the fact that we are all residents of Chicagoland.

The Art Bell Party

“Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies.”

How can Mayor Roger Claar talk about Bolingbrook and not mention the recent sightings of Mothman?  Whenever Mothman appears, something grave happens.  What is Bolingbrook doing to protect its residents from the coming doom?  Anything?

We could be facing certain doom, and all Roger cares about are business licenses and corporate headquarters! Roger, you need to drop everything and reach out to Mothman.  It could be the difference between life and death!

Also, not once in his speech did Claar acknowledge the existence of Clow UFO Base.  Every resident knows that Clow is the real reason for Bolingbrook’s success.  Is he trying to claim credit for the work of otherworldly beings?

Bolingbrook deserves a mayor who won’t try to cover up its supernatural nature- one who embraces it instead.  We are the most important village in the galaxy.  Unlike a certain mayor, we aren’t afraid to tell the public this!

Bolingbrook Pride Party

“What has fallen may stand again.”

There was once a party that proclaimed it was proud to be residents of Bolingbrook.  That party built our infrastructure, and thus the foundation to make Bolingbrook great.

Now things are different.  Bolingbrook has corporate headquarters instead of cornfields, but even the most Claar loving resident knows that something isn’t right.  Sure people do well, but only if you’re friends with the mayor.  He brags about Bolingbrook’s economic development, yet anyone can look at Bolingbrook Commons and know that something is not right.  There is no pride in Bolingbrook.

That’s why we’ve brought back the Bolingbrook Pride Party.  We’re going to bring back not only real transparency but a commitment to serve all residents — not just the ones who own businesses.  We’re going to make sure that all streets are plowed, including the cul-de-sacs.  The days of overpriced golf clubs and subsidized airports will come to an end.

Critics will call us a zombie party.  We prefer to think of our selves as Crows, coming back from the afterlife to the right the wrongs committed by Roger, and leaving behind a Bolingbrook we can all be proud to call ourselves residents of.

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base to remain open during government shutdown
Claar:  Bolingbrook United should fold just like Senate Democrats
Sagan dragons spotted in Romeoville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/18

Web Exclusive: Illuminati investigates Clow UFO Base following Women’s March in Chicago (Fiction)

After 300,000 people attended the Women’s March Chicago, the Illuminati announced it was launching an investigation into security at Clow UFO Base.

“We cannot believe that more humans attended this year’s march than last year’s march,” said Mu, an investigator aligned with the Illuminati.  “We think most of the marchers were aliens, and that means there was a serious security breach at Clow UFO Base.  We also think the New World Order bussed in aliens to Chicago from their base in Rochelle, IL.  We are going to get to the bottom of this, starting with Clow.”

Clow officials denied any security breaches at the base.

“The base is still locked down,” said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “There are no flights to Clow, and we are keeping a close eye on flights leaving Clow.  To the best of our knowledge, none of our visitors went to the Chicago march.  Mayor Claar made it very clear that we were to do everything in our power to keep visitors away from the march.  If you ask me, I think a lot of people just hate President Trump and his administration’s treatment of women.  That’s why the marches were so popular.  But you didn’t ask me.”

Other officials said they would cooperate with the Illuminati, but did not believe any aliens from Clow attended the march.

Clow UFO Base is under the jurisdiction of the Illuminati following Mayor Roger Claar’s defection from the New World Order in 2016.

Thomas Xavier, an administrator for the New World Order, says only ten aliens were authorized from Hub 35 in Rochelle to attend the march and believes others watched from orbit.

“We did not use our visitors to inflate the numbers of marchers in Chicago.  The public is rejecting the chaos sought by the Illuminati and will turn to the order and stability we will offer them.  The tide is turning.”

A phone call to Claar was answered by a receptionist, who said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charline, I just found out that my slide on the racial demographics of Bolingbrook is wrong.”

“You approved it.”

“You messed it up.”

“I didn’t mess it up.  I did it on purpose.”

“Why?”

“I was sending a subliminal message to the Trump supporters in Bolingbrook that you stand by our president 110%.”

“Try to be more subtle next time.”

Bolingbrook United responds to the 2018 Bolingbrook State of the Village address (Non-Fiction)

Bolingbrook Residents,

The following is Bolingbrook United’s response to Mayor Claar’s January 18, 2018, State of the Village address.

The State of the Village was an event for a select few: On Thursday an elite group of Bolingbrook business owners, residents and guests, along with countless politicians, listened to Mayor Roger Claar provide his view of the state of our Village.  The event took place at the taxpayer funded and owned Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Like previous years, if residents wanted to attend the event they had to pay a staggering fee of $70 per person. Many residents cannot afford that high-ticket price or have the ability to take time off work to attend the event, which was held on a Thursday afternoon. As a result, such residents are relegated to watching it over the internet or on public access television.  Bolingbrook United believes that the State of the Village should be held at Village Hall or the Bolingbrook High School, during the evening, with no cost to attend.  It should be open to all residents, and not just those who can afford to take time off of work and pay an exorbitant fee to attend.

There is need for more economic development: During his address, Mayor Claar expressed his concerns about the economic shift away from typical brick and mortar retail and the effect it is having on local tax revenue.  He complained about the Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center, the former location of Century Tile, and mentioned how it is an eyesore.  He specifically noted that little has changed with the Shopping Center since he became mayor over 34 years ago.  While Bolingbrook United agrees with Mayor Claar about these concerns, we believe that his inaction has allowed this ‘eyesore’ and many other retail spaces to remain as virtual ghost towns with mass vacancies and unrenovated buildings. One of the first things Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, of Bolingbrook United, did after being elected was discuss with Mayor Claar the need for an Economic Development Committee, which would look at how to better utilize these spaces, attract new businesses, and turn ‘eyesores’ into functioning businesses that improve our community.  Mayor Claar refused to consider Trustee Jaskiewicz’s suggestion. Instead, during the State of the Village, Mayor Claar stated there was nothing that could be done for such areas. Instead of complaining and throwing in the proverbial towel, Mayor Claar and the rest of Village Hall should be taking action.  Bolingbrook United believes that an Economic Development Committee should be established immediately and that the Village should stop being complacent and instead go to work on helping to revitalize these vacant areas.

The Village must address the massive debt it has incurred: Under the leadership of Mayor Claar, the Village has incurred over $300 million dollars of debt in part by expending Village dollars on frivolities such as the following: purchasing Clow airport; building the Bolingbrook Golf Club; and attempting to become a home developer by purchasing Americana Estates.  At no time during his address did Mayor Claar mention how much debt the Village has, but he insisted that the Village is finished with incurring debt.  Unfortunately, this is not a true statement. The Village is currently involved in litigation with Illinois American Water.  In short, the Village is attempting to buy back the water system that Mayor Claar and the Village sold 20 years ago.  That transaction, when it occurs, is expected to cost the Village tens of millions of dollars that will be added to our debt.

Bolingbrook United believes the Village needs to come to terms with the incredible amount of debt it has incurred under Mayor Claar. The Village cannot continue to kick the debt can down the road for future generations to solve.  We must do something about it now.

We need to solve our trash problem and increase basic services to residents: A basic concern of many residents is trash disposal.  Mayor Claar’s opposition to the use of trash cans or “toters” as they more accurately called, is well known.  Since his election, Trustee Jaskiewicz has repeatedly asked that the issue of waste disposal be taken seriously and placed on the Village agenda.  We’ve tried to get the Village’s attention to this important issue, to no avail; we even marched in the Pathways Parade this past year pushing toters to draw attention it.  Bolingbrook United believes that the matter of garbage cans, toters, recyclable bags and waste management as a whole should be a Village agenda item.  We need public discourse on this topic and we need a solution to our trash problem; for far too long, our Village has looked like a giant refuse site as a result of the trash that blows out of recyclable bins and torn garbage bags. People want to be heard on this issue and whether you are for or against toters, Bolingbrook United believes that the Village should have an active and open discussion on the issue.

In addition, when it comes to snow removal, I hope we can all agree that the removal of snow from streets is a public safety issue and that residents want their streets plowed.  It is neither funny nor acceptable that during the State of the Village Mayor Claar mocked residents who questioned where the plows and salt trucks were during the most recent snowfall.  We know our Village employees work hard and do a great job, but we realize that we now have half as many employees in the Public Works Department than we had ten years ago. Bolingbrook United believes that resident concerns need to be taken seriously.  Residents should not be insulted by their mayor for questioning a matter of safety in the Village.

We must stop the “everyone else is the problem” mentality in Village Hall:  During the State of the Village, Mayor Claar took the opportunity to promote his favorite candidates, businesses and political patrons – most of whom donate to his campaign fund and/or are outspoken supporters of him.  He also chastised Democrats, and Republicans to a lesser degree, at the state and federal levels for not working together.  We found these statements to be incredible considering that since the election, Mayor Claar has frequently used Village meetings to put down and/or denigrate Bolingbrook United, its supporters, and its suggestions/ideas.  He has refused to collaborate with or listen to the concerns expressed by Trustee Jaskiewicz and those he represents who disagree with his agenda in any manner.  Bolingbrook United believes that our Village should not mirror our ineffective state and federal governments.  The mayor and the rest of our elected officials need to collaborate with one another, even if they are of a different political persuasion.

Mayor Claar locks down Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

UFOIn a surprise announcement, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar locked down Clow UFO Base for the next two weeks.

“This is for the safety of all our visitors,” said Claar.  “This is for many reasons.  We’ve received reports of nonspecific but credible threats to visiting aliens.  We are also concerned about rising tensions between Bolingbrook and Naperville—Tensions that I feel are being stoked by an anonymous Facebook page.  Intelligence officials are also warning about disruptive individuals moving into our neighboring suburbs.  So, as mayor and head administrator of Clow UFO Base, I am confining all of our visitors until I deem outside conditions safe.”

Oigoply, a resident of Proxima Centauri, denounced the confinement: “I came all the way to  Bolingbrook just to try Ko Sushi.  Now I’m stuck here.”

Loigdee, a resident of Barnard’s Star 3, was also disappointed: “I was upset when the WeatherTech store at Clow closed.  Now I find out that I can’t go to the factory store.  I really wanted to buy a dozen floor protectors before my trip to Venus.  The locals love eating them. Roger’s actions are going to have a negative effect on the interplanetary economy.  I thought those huge tax cuts were going to help grow businesses, not shrink them.”

Clow officials denied that the lockdown was an attempt to depress turnout at both the Chicago March to the Polls on January 20 and the Naperville March to the Polls rally on January 21:

“Why would we want to affect the turnout for an unpopular event that will give our visitors the impression that Trump is unpopular and that Democrats have a chance to win the Illinois Sixth Congressional District?”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So you need a job?  I heard that Francesca’s is hiring waiters.  You’d have to shave—What?  You want to work for me as a consultant?  Why would I take your advice?  You lost an Alabama Senate seat to the Democrat Party.  What?  You say you can help me?  Help me do what?  Hand over control of the Village Board to the Bolingbrook United Party?  Really?  You and what billionaire are going to drive me out of office?”

Also in the Babbler:

Sam’s Club closes store inside Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar will tweet to his 584 followers if there is a fake nuclear warning
Bolingbrook fights back against Russian snow attack
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/18/18