The Mayors of Bolingbrook: Thomas Groseth (1973) (Fiction)

From 1968 to 1973, Bolingbrook was on its way to becoming the second-largest municipality in Will County. The first restaurant, Mr. Quick, opened in 1969. The park district was founded in 1970. That year also saw Valley View become the evilest school district in the country with its year-round calendar. Indian Oaks, Winston Woods, Ivanhoe, Cherrywood, and Cinnamon Creek subdivisions started in 1971. The first shopping center opened in 1972. Jewel opened in 1973, thus giving the Babbler two distribution locations, and allowing the Babbler to end free home delivery to every resident in Bolingbrook.

The Babbler also experienced growing pains. With the founding of the Bolingbrook park district, the Babbler was no longer Bolingbrook’s number one tourist attraction. Other weekly publications appeared and attempted to compete with the Babbler. Still, the future seemed bright for the Babbler.

In 1973, newly elected Village President Thomas Groseth tried to ignore the Babbler. He even went as far as to write a column for the Bolingbrook Beacon, claiming it was Bolingbrook’s first newspaper. Through the persistence of one reporter, we finally got our interview.

Village President Groseth: Nixon supports me!

It took several phone calls, two visits from the Bolingbrook Police department, and two trips with The Men in Blue, but this reporter finally got an interview with Village President Thomas Groseth!

Groseth: Do you know what time it is?

Reporter: It’s time for your interview with the Babbler!

Groseth: You just won’t give up, will you?

Reporter: Absolutely not! Mr. Olson won’t pay me until I get a story. You know how inflation is, man.

Groseth: (sighs) OK. Let’s get this over with.

Reporter: What is your favorite thing about being the village president?

Groseth: That’s the first question? OK, um, I really like getting letters from a young man who wants to move to Bolingbrook once he gets his Ph.D. So every time I hear someone complain at a board meeting, I just think about this young man and smile. Because someone out there is inspired by our village.

Reporter: You mean you’re more proud of getting fan letters than you are of being the administrator of the world’s largest urban UFO base?

Groseth: (sighs) Do we have to play this game? OK. This should make you happy. I neither confirm nor deny the existence of a UFO base next to Clow Airport.

Reporter: Then you are confirming that the base is under Clow?

Groseth: (muffled scream): If there were a base under Clow, and I’m not saying there is, then I would be very proud to be its administrator.

Reporter: Ah. Now, if you were its administrator, and you’re not saying that you are, what are some challenges you face?

Groseth: (Yawns) Other than stopping the staff from making Uranus jokes? Hmm. I would say that covering up Clow’s finances from the general public.

Reporter: Really?

Groseth: Sure! Clow must make billions of dollars from all the extraterrestrial trade it does. Even with computers and pocket calculators, it must be quite a challenge to add up all those dollars. I’m sure the money is hidden in certain line items. I would have to make sure that none of the secret accountants did something wrong, like misallocating a small percentage of the funds into a covert bank account or hiding a certain percentage in a seemingly innocent budget line. Plus, I’d have to make sure that no one creates any phantom employees to misallocate the funds. Hmm.

Reporter: That sounds like a demanding job.

Groseth: It is if I had that job. I’m sure that if I had that job, President Nixon would fully support me. Heck, I’m sure that once Congress finishes its investigation, Nixon and I will still be in our positions. And I think that’s all for tonight.

Reporter: But I have questions about the aliens fascists in our schools, and weredogs on the–

Groseth: Tell John (Olson) that if one of his reporters ever wakes me up again, I may or may not send the blue men after him.

Reporter: You mean the Men in Blue.

Groseth: Good night, good morning, whatever time it is!

History says that Groseth resigned as village president on May 7, 1974 after he was fired from his full-time job. This was followed by President Nixon’s resignation on August 9, 1974. History also says that the two resignations were unrelated.

Sources at the time told the Babbler that both men were removed from power following an audit of Clow’s covert budget. Though Groseth was acquitted by the Illuminati’s high court in 1976, and Nixon was pardoned in 1974, both men would never again be involved with Clow UFO base.

Tomorrow:  Patricia McDowell becomes Bolingbrook’s first female village president, and Publisher John Olson decides to do something about it! 

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