By Reporter X
Addressing the interstellar media, YouTube personality, the Angry Astronaut, and the Interstellar Commonwealth, both described their meeting as productive.
“I’m glad we had this talk,” said AA. “I’m now open to the possibility that aliens don’t want to destroy humanity.”
Representative Zoklo replied, “If we wanted to destroy humanity, why would help build your Internet?”
“I don’t know. Maybe to distract us from your planet destroying missiles?”
“As you can see, we still have a way to go.”
Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta arranged the meeting after watching AA’s video accusing the Commonwealth of building “Alien ‘Death Stars.’”
“I know some people are desperate for clicks and subscribers, but this video went too far. His reckless speculation threatened decades of negotiations to bring humanity into the Commonwealth. The Illuminati wanted to make Mr. Angry disappear. I persuaded them to let Mr. Angry meet our visitors and learn the truth.”
Representative Liko insisted that the facility orbiting HD139139 manufactures luxury planets, not planet killers. “There are solar systems that don’t have planets in the habitable zone. Instead of building a base on a hostile world, some civilizations buy planets and orbit them in the habitable zone. Sure, it’s more expensive than terraforming or shifting a planet’s orbit, but it’s a status symbol. Like how your ultra-rich humans build oversized and overpowered boats instead of buying for rowboats.”
AA replied, “Yeah, maybe they just want to help us make love instead of war. That would be great. But what if it’s a trap? What if they’re distracting us with their toys while a moon-sized object hurls towards us at 99% the speed of light? We wouldn’t see it until it was too late! Then they could take over our solar system! I have more to say about this, but first! I see that my YouTube Interstellar channel only has 99 billion subscribers. If reach 100 billion subscribers, I won’t get mind-wiped. So if you want me to have more conversations with these allegedly friendly aliens, hit the like button and SUBSCRIBE!”
“Your solar system isn’t that special,” said Liko. “And the Martian Colonies have claimed Earth as their property. They can protect your planet from any sub-light speed threat. Not that we want to destroy Earth. We want to be your friends.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But until I get a definitive answer, I urge every human to STAY ANGRY ABOUT SPACE!”
“Fortunately,” said Alexander-Basta, “we have some time to work this out.”
AA did not respond to an email requesting a reply.
When reached by Zoom, Alexander-Basta laughed and invited this reporter to watch a meeting. Covert social media operative Charlene Spencer entered her office.
“Charlene,” said Alexander-Basta, “Do you know anything about this letter?”
“Okay. Are you aware that copies of that letter were about to be mailed to every resident in Bolingbrook from Russia?”
“You have friends in the KGB?”
“Of course not. Vladimir Putin is trying to get on my good side because I’m a woman of global excellence. But that’s not important. Let me read a part of this letter to you. ‘I woke up with a headache. But I didn’t feel real pain until I realized (Trustee Michael Carpanzano) was running for reelection. The same trustee who took selfies at a Black Lives Matter protest and said it ‘warmed my heart.’’ That’s unfair. That was a peaceful gathering about uniting our community. You’re quoting him out of context and you know he has a compulsion to take selfies every time he sees a gathering.”
“I neither confirm nor deny writing that letter, and context is for kings. Trustee Carpanzano is not a king.”
“Okay. But that’s not the worst part. This letter is signed by, and I quote, ‘The only Bolingbrook Mayor that matters.’ Really, Charlene?”
“You were the one who gave (Former Mayor Roger Claar) the title Mayor Emeritus, not me.”
“You wanted people to think Roger wrote this letter? Young lady, this is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.”
Also in the Babbler:
Sources insist 900 FT Roger statue will be clothed!
Mayor instructs aliens to respect gender identity of abductees
Bolingbrook’s Society of Alien-Human hybrids endorses Bolingbrook Independent Voices Party
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/1/23
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I am involved with.
Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. You can also buy me a coffee.
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