By Reporter X
In another blow to Bolingbrook’s economy, Clow UFO Base’s “Doomsday Crew” will close the base this week and relocate to the moon.
The crew released a statement stating: “It is not safe to keep Clow UFO Base open in any capacity. The 19.8% positivity rate in our COVID region is too high, and although we are glad the courts dismissed lawsuits challenging the Governor’s mitigation orders, it is not enough. With Dr. Scott Atlas’ recent threats to Michigan and the President determined to infect this country, we believe the pro-virus forces are too strong to keep out. To protect the safety of the solar system and the galaxy, we must evacuate.”
According to Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, the Interstellar Commonwealth will transport the crew to a quarantine camp on the moon. The Commonwealth hopes the crew will be able to return to Bolingbrook by Valentine’s Day.
“If humanity can’t get this pandemic under control,” said an anonymous employee at the department, “then our crew members have the option of relocating to zoos across the galaxy. They could be used as part of a breeding program to save humanity. Hey. They knew this could happen when they volunteered.”
In addition to evacuating the crew, any alien visitors must also leave the Bolingbrook area by the end of the week.
“This stinks,” says Xoblock, an anthropologist from Ross 128b. “My university spent a fortune so I could personally observe how Bolingbrook residents deal with a pandemic. I guess I’ll have to watch them from orbit, but it won’t be the same.”
In a televised announcement, Bolingbrook Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz urged residents to wear masks and to follow COVID-19 mitigation measures: “Stay at home if you can, and wear a mask and social distance if you can’t. Order lots of takeout meals. The sooner we can get this virus under control, the sooner we can reopen (Clow UFO Base.)”
Trustee Sheldon Watts released a statement regretting the crew’s departure: “God has given us the science to find a vaccine, and the strength to do what must be done to both reopen Clow, and to rebuild Bolingbrook. Don’t be a tool of Satan. Wear a mask to save lives and save our UFO Base.”
According to sources, the Interstellar Commonwealth will decide on issuing a “No landing” order for all of North America by Friday. If enacted, all UFO bases in the United States and Canada would be forced to temporarily close until the start of the Biden administration.
Clow Airport will remain open.
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.