Bolingbrook Antifa secures tank (Fiction)


Bolingbrook’s Antifa, an anti-fascist group, announced that it now has a Leopard 2A5 tank.

Alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

“It is now clear to us that police departments will only deploy armored vehicles whenever groups like Black Lives Matter protest,” read the press release.  “Since we doubt that (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would ask for tanks if neo-Nazi militias occupied Bolingbrook, we’ve decided to get a tank for ourselves.”

According to the press release, the tank is street legal, and its cannon is disabled.  The statement went on to say there was a gun mounted on it, but that it would only be used “for self-defense.”  Bolingbrook Antifa also bragged about the tank being “stick-proof and car-proof.”

A Bolingbrook Antifa member, who asked to be called Emma, said she is ecstatic that they now have a tank.  “You can’t reason with hardcore Fascists.  They only understand violence.  They think it’s fine when they try to intimidate people with their torches, shields, and sticks.  If you hit them back, however, they become a bunch of crybabies.  They’re going to call our tank intimidating and violent.  That’s fine with us.  Bolingbrook is a safe and diverse community.  Our tank will protect the village from those who want to commit genocide!”

Noam, another Bolingbrook Antifa member, said it was easy to get the tank into Bolingbrook:  “We just put a Trump flag on it, and the police didn’t care.”  He also added that the tank is hidden, and they will only use it if Fascists come to Bolingbrook.

A police officer, who asked to be called Bob, says the department now cares about the presence of a tank in Bolingbrook.  “This is a dangerous escalation!  Do you know why Bolingbrook is a safe community?  Because only the police are allowed to use violence.  Sure you can defend yourself, but then you have to stop once we arrive!  They need to get that tank out of Bolingbrook and respect law and order.”

When trying to reach Claar for comment, a receptionist said Claar was busy and could not be disturbed:

“Don’t tell Roger I said this, but I think it might be more useful to attend the Resistance Fair than to drive a tank around Bolingbrook.  Don’t you think?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Intern Charlene said, “You know, Money Magazine hasn’t ranked Bolingbrook as one of the best places to live since 2014, right?”

A man who sounded like Claar replied:  “The fact that they ever selected us is all that matters.”

“Ah.  So it’s like a video game achievement.  You’ll always have it, no matter what your current gaming skills are.”

“I guess.”

Also in the Babbler:

Partial Eclipse means Bolingbrook will be safe on 8/21/17
Torchlight parades banned at Clow UFO Base
UFO makes emergency landing after getting hit by a meteor
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/17/17