Sources: Bolingbrook to enact ‘Amazon Tax’ (Fiction)


Will Bolingbrook impose a 100% tax on online purchases?  Sources with relatives close to village government officials say yes.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“Amazon is attacking our local businesses and printing fake news about our President,” said one source.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) isn’t going to take it anymore.”

These sources agree that the so-called Amazon Tax will be voted on during a September meeting of the Village Board.  The 100% tax will be imposed only on retailers who do not have a brick-and-mortar presence in Bolingbrook.  Bolingbrook police officers will be allowed collect the tax if they catch any resident receiving merchandise bought from an online retailer.  The tax is expected to hit Amazon, eBay, and Etsy the hardest.  Residents can avoid the tax if they purchase a $100 annual subscription to bolingbrook.com.

“Some people will call this protectionism,” said another source.  “We prefer to think of it as Roger delivering on one of Trump’s promises.  Trump promised to protect American businesses.  Bolingbrook is part of America.  So by protecting our village’s businesses, we’re protecting America’s businesses.  You could say that Roger is making America great again.  Roger is great, but he’s too modest to be our President.”

Blake, who claims to be a member of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce, praised the proposed tax.  “This tax will generate needed revenue for the village and help all of our members.  Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wanted to spend money on an economic development office.  We’re going to make money off this tax instead.”

Joan Z. Phillips, the owner of an Etsy shop in Naperville, opposes the tax.  “Some of my best customers are in Bolingbrook.  I’ll lose them if this tax is passed.  We’re not a major corporation threatening Bolingbrook’s businesses.  We’re a small business trying to earn a living off the Internet.  If this tax succeeds in Bolingbrook, the idea will spread, and we’ll be ruined. Besides, Claar is a Republican. Since when do Republicans propose new taxes?”

Amazon sent an unsigned e-mail stating that they are not worried about the tax:

“All we have to do is open a Whole Foods store in Bolingbrook, and we will be exempt from the tax.  There is a reason we bought Whole Paycheck besides our desire to sell overpriced groceries over the Internet.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not comment on the existence of the tax.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Charlene, we now have a sister city in Pakistan.  This will improve my relations with the local Muslim community and undermine Bolingbrook United’s political base.  Do you understand your role in this?”

“It’s pivot time, Roger.  I took dance classes, so I’m good at pivoting.  In fact, let me read my new press release to you.  ‘Bolingbrook celebrates Sialkot’s liberation from the oppression of unrestrained democracy.  Sialkot will now prosper under a new national government properly balanced between its civilian and military branches.  It is also our wish that someday our police department will be allowed to have a greater say in who governs Bolingbrook.’  What do you think?  We do have to support our older siblings, of course.”

“I’m all too familiar with that.  However, I think I need to explain the concept of sister cities to you.”

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