By Reporter X
“This is very unusual,” said a source who is familiar with both parties. “Normally we might have one or two aliens from Clow base volunteer for (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar). This year we have several aliens working for both parties. I guess the whole galaxy is watching this election.”
Under current treaties, aliens are allowed to volunteer for political campaigns, as long as they are disguised as humans. Aliens are not allowed to donate or solicit funds for candidates, nor can they vote, unless they have US citizenship.
Koilz Pogoiz, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First, says he loves the Illuminati and is proud to support Claar: “Claar is so awesome that his trustees are speechless at board meetings. I know he’s been tired and grumpy during this campaign. My enthusiasm, however, will make up for it, and help lead us to victory.”
While canvassing, Pogoiz spoke with a resident on Monroe RD:
“Do you like Bolingbrook?”, asked Pogoiz.
“Then you should vote for the Bolingbrook First slate because they’ve made Bolingbrook great since 1986!”
“But didn’t Roger raise millions of dollars for Donald Trump?”
“That’s national politics. This is Bolingbrook! This election has nothing to do with Trump.”
“But if Roger is willing to raise millions for a man who called Mexicans immigrants rapists, and campaigned for a ban on Muslims, doesn’t that mean Roger is willing to appoint officials who share those views?”
“Do you really want to risk Bolingbrook’s greatness for those kind of people?”
The resident slammed the door.
Xligost, an alien working for Bolingbrook United, says Bolingbrook needs a change in leadership:
“I miss the old moderate Republican Roger who loved Bolingbrook. This Roger is mean and doesn’t care about the residents. He only cares about the companies and people who donate to his campaign fund. We have to get rid of this Roger. Jackie will be fair to us!”
Xligost, while canvassing Berkeley, DR, spoke with a resident:
“Bolingbrook United has no positions,” said the resident. “I can’t make sense of their web page, and Roger says they have no ideas. I trust Roger over Jackie!”
“They do have positions,” replied Xligost. “They want to: End automatic pay raises for elected officials, eliminate special deals for political donors, make the village website more accessible, only collect one salary each from the village, conduct an independent audit of Bolingbrook’s finances, assemble a committee to reduce Bolingbrook’s debt, and look into offering garbage cans for all homes.”
“Like they’ll actually do that. Jackie is endorsed by Cook County politicians, and gets political donations from Cook County!”
“Roger gets donations from around the country, including from companies that do business with the Village. You know that mailer you’re holding? It comes from a Chicago-based Super PAC. If Roger is so popular, why does he need help from Cook County Republicans?”
“He needs help to fight the evil Democrat Party and George Soros! I like Roger today. I will vote for him tomorrow. I hope he’s mayor forever!”
The resident slammed the door.
Both aliens defended canvassing for their candidates.
“All we’re doing is delivering our message to the voters,” said Pogoiz. “They will listen to us and make the final choice.”
Xligost added, “If our actions result in a high voter turnout, and residents taking a prolonged interest in their local government, then Bolingbrook will be the real winner of this election.”
Also in the Babbler:
Mayor Claar splurges on UFO advertising
Vernon Hills Township candidates propose UFO Base
Naperville Republicans deny plans to bus voters into Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/6/17