Web Exclusive: Aliens celebrate after Village of Palatine votes to allow sale of cannabis (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base celebrated moments after the village board voted to allow the sale of cannabis.

Hundreds of aliens, who watched the meeting on a monitor, cheered after Mayor Jim Schwantz cast the tie-breaking vote.  Moments later, they started chanting, “420!”

“There is intelligent life in the northwest suburbs,” said Loapasgo, from Virgo.

“Any species can discover tools and war,” said Pogost, from Kepler-443b.  “A species that knows how to get high is a truly sentient species.”

Village Manager Reid Ottesen addressed the aliens by video chat:

“Do you guys promise not to fly while intoxicated?”

“We do.”

“Do you also promise not to get so stoned that you accidentally tell any Cook County elected officials you’re from outer space?”

“We do.”

“Then all of you are invited to the best UFO Base New Year party in Illinois!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO Base will be the only UFO Base in Illinois that will allow the distribution and possession of cannabis:

“This will give Sherman a huge competitive advantage over a certain UFO base in Bolingbrook. Legal recreational drug use should be up to each individual visitor, and not dictated by the whims of a mayor.”

He also added that aliens will be restricted to using cannabis dispensaries that will open in the North Rand Road corridor.

“We already have an entrance in that area.  All they have to do is park their spacecraft, and walk to the dispensary of their choice.  We’ll give every alien a drug test before they leave.  If they’re still under the influence, we’ll give them time to recover.  No one will be arrested.”

Goklockdock, who asked that we not name her planet, said that she will do business at Sherman UFO Base instead of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base:

“My planet’s atmosphere is 5% THC.  At Clow UFO Base, I had to fill out several forms to get THC pumped into my quarters.  Then (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would stop by and tell me sob stories about all the hoops he had to jump through just to get 2% THC in my quarters.  I had to donate to his interstellar campaign fund or his interstellar charity to get him to shut up.  Now I can stop here and buy my own THC and get the right concentration in my quarters.”

Loapasgo also plans more visits to Palatine:

“I used to think of suburbs as populated by frightened human breeders.  You know the kind of humans that say ‘Oh, do not build something I do not understand in my backyard.  I’m scared it will affect the resale value of my home.  Oh no!  Do not build new transportation routes into my community.  People with different skin complexion will come here.  Think of the offspring.’ This vote proves you suburban humans are changing for the better.”

No arrests were reported at Sherman UFO Base, but a Palatine resident claimed he saw an alien at Park Place Shopping Center:

“I was about to load my car when I saw this small thing run out of the mall.  It looked like a naked troll.  It kept saying ‘420’ over and over.  I got scared when it looked at me and stopped cheering.  After a while, it said: ‘You’re just having a bad trip.  I’m not real.’  Then it ran back into the mall.  It had what appeared to be some kind of computer on its wrist.  Maybe it was an alien.  If it is, then maybe I could be featured in the third season of Hellier.  Call me, Greg!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

‘We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!’: Mayor Claar sparks protests after changing Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert to a Christmas concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar enraged many attendees of the Clow UFO Base Holiday Concert by insisting that only Christmas music be played.

“We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!” said Claar.  “We call it Christmas in Bolingbrook, and we don’t use this holiday nonsense!  So, I’m through being politically correct!  I’m changing this to a Christmas concert. If that triggers you, too bad!”

The announcement was followed by over five minutes of booing, objects thrown on stage, and three aliens projectile vomiting in Claar’s direction.

Claar was not moved: “Your rage only strengthens my resolve!”

Clow authorities ended up arresting 300 attendees, treating 179 for injuries, and issuing fines totaling over a billion interstellar credits. Officials compared the mayhem at this concert to the 1994 Industrial Holiday Concert headlined by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult and Genitorturers.

“In 1994, Roger could blame his planning staff for that disaster,” said one official who asked not to be identified.  “This time it’s all on Roger.  I don’t know why he felt the need to change the theme at the last minute.”

Another anonymous official blames Fox News: “Roger’s been watching a lot of Fox News lately.  I heard him claiming that liberals have started a war on Thanksgiving. Then he said he needed to save Christmas from his ‘foes.’  Just between you and me, things have been getting out of hand around here since the impeachment hearings started.”

While most of the performers honored the Christmas music-only theme, a few of them rebelled.  Members of Blue Star, a band from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, walked on stage wearing Blue Santa outfits.  The lead singer told the audience: “We heard that on your planet, the Hebrew word for Christmas is Hanukah.  They also celebrate it over eight nights.  So let’s get into the holiday spirit!”

The band then started playing “Hava Nagila.”  Claar then ordered band members arrested for disorderly conduct.

“You know damn well that song has nothing to do with Christmas or the birth of Christ,” Claar said over the public address system.

“Even I know Christmas had nothing to do with your false prophet!” countered the lead singer.  

As the band members were dragged off stage, the drummer yelled in Hebrew: “Move to the Promised Worlds! All the Milk and Honey you can eat.  None of the occupied territories!”

The publicist for the band explained that the drummer meant that planets settled by the Lost Tribes of Israel were never home to civilizations or intelligent beings.   

Later in the show, a man in a fireproof suit ran on stage and poured a liquid on himself.

“The only holiday worth celebrating is HumanLight!” he yelled before setting himself on fire.  

Security doused the flames and arrested the man.  They pulled off his head covering and revealed him to be Atheist activist David Silverman.

“Support Atheist Alliance International!” he yelled.  “I need the money!”

As he was dragged away, Silverman repeatedly yelled the word “Red!”

“That’s not the safe word,” replied Claar.

Near the end of the show, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz walked on stage holding a metal pole. He stated:

“I have a grievance.  Once a month I have to deal with a man who thinks he’s better than a king and thinks anyone who opposes him is not a real resident.”

“Get to the Christmas part or get off the stage,” snapped Claar.

“Okay, Roger.  Friends, for those of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s a time when we wish for world peace and for everyone to just get along.  So, in that spirit, I’d like to invite two people on to the stage.”

Representative Bill Foster and his primary challenger, Will County Board member Rachel Ventura, walked on to the stage.  Foster then stared at a teleprompter.

“Gee Rachel,” said Foster, who didn’t look at Ventura and had no emotion in his voice.  “We’ve been fighting for all these months.  In the spirit of Christmas, let’s try to be nice to each other.”

Ventura frowned: “I’m only reading this because it will help me unite the Democratic party after I send you into retirement.  ‘Gee Bill, you’re right.  Let’s enjoy the evergreen trees and make a new deal.’  Bob!  Tell me you didn’t write this.  Right?”

Jaskiewicz laughed:  “Now we’re going to sing a song.  But we’re going to need some help and she’s coming on stage right now.”

Yoko Ono walked on stage and waved.  Many aliens stopped fighting with security and cheered.  Ono, along with Jaskiewicz, Foster, and Ventura, started singing “Happy Xmas (War is over.)”  Soon the entire audience started singing along.

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler stumbled onto the stage and joined the singing.  Trustee Mary Basta then ran up to Lawler and started singing.  A hologram of Claar appeared on the stage and motioned for them to get off the stage.

After the song, Ono thanked the audience: “I want to end all wars in the galaxy.  Do you?”

The aliens cheered.  Ono then started singing her current interstellar hit song, “Ack!”  

Claar covered his ears and complained to his guest in his skybox about aliens’ taste in Earth music.

Also in the Babbler:

Alyssia Benford spotted measuring Mayor Claar’s office
Ten-Thousand-year-old cat revived then wants to be outside
Mayor Claar threatens to arrest Toter marchers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Jeanne Ives to sponsor ‘Casten you to Hell’ house (Fiction)

Republican Congressional candidate Jeanne Ives will run a “Hell House” this month focused on Representative Sean Casten.

A picture of Rep. Sean Casten pointing towards the Gates of Hell.

Will the Ives campaign run a Rep. Sean Casten themed haunted house?

“Sean Casten scares us,” said Beth, a member of Ives’s campaign staff. “We think the voters in the Sixth Congressional District should be scared of the evil they unleashed upon Congress!”

Similar to the Hell House proposed by Representative Peter Roskam’s 2018 campaign, it will depict Casten as a “Socialist CEO Demon” working for succubus House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.The Hell House will open the week after before Halloween at a yet to be disclosed location in Wheaton.

Blake, a former Roskam operative who now works for Ives, has high hopes for this Hell House:

“If we had run this Hell House, Peter would still be in office. They weren’t scared enough of Sean, and that’s why Peter lost. Since Jeanne isn’t burdened with the “moderate” label, we’ll have more creative freedom with this house.”

Blake also added, “This time, I’m going to dress up as (Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan). Peter vetoed that idea last time. Jeanne is all on board! We can’t scare people enough!”

Blake also says the Hell House will include:

  • Casten campaign volunteers “impeaching” residents for supporting President Donald Trump.
  • Republicans being crushed by a giant carbon foot.
  • Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez torturing residents into signing the Green New Deal.
  • Casten performing with a demon rock band.
  • Rep. Ilhan Omar forcing Christians to convert to Islam.
  • IL06 Republican candidate Jay Kinzler kneeling before an angelic Ives.

Beth denied that the Hell House would contribute to Ives’ reputation as an extreme conservative:

“The only thing that happens in the middle of the road is you get run over.We’re not going to win this by appeasing Democrats. We’re going to win this by moving the Overton Window so far to the right that the only acceptable viewpoints are between only voting for Trump and willing to start a civil war for Trump. When that happens, Sean will be seen as an extremist, and Ives will be seen as a reasonable God-loving American!”

A member of Casten’s campaign laughed at the idea of a Casten themed Hell House:The Republicans can call Sean names all they want. The residents of the Sixth District know the real Sean Casten because he campaigns in the district, holds Town Halls, and is very accessible. Unlike a certain former congressman—”

A woman then said: “You’re not talking to that weird suburban tabloid, are you?”

“Um, Thanks for reminding me that I need to get some petitions signed!”

A receptionist for the Ives campaign said she was meeting with representatives from the Illinois Policy Institute and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Ives, said: “I will use my power as a Congresswoman to force Illinois into bankruptcy.”

“Yes!” yelled a man.

“Then I will split up Illinois among its neighboring states.”

“Oh yes!”

“I will then force Canada to take Chicago. The US will be rid of that corrupt city forever!”

The man moaned. “Oh Jeanne. You give good policy.”

Also in the Babbler:

Will County to increase UFO landing fees
Alien charged with robbing Bolingbrook Home Depot
Palatine UFO Base reports heavy traffic during the High Holidays
Trump considering ordering Mayor Claar to close Clow UFO Base

This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Editorial Board: Time for School District D211 to move forward on transgender locker room access (Mixed)

Four years ago, Palatine-Schaumburg High School District 211 stopped banning transgender students from locker rooms but required them to change in privacy stalls.  Now the district is considering allowing access to the locker rooms of their gender identity without requiring them to use a privacy stall. 

If enacted, it will be a welcome and long-overdue change.  Requiring trans students to change in stalls, while leaving it optional for everyone else, is dehumanizing segregation.  Attempted suicide rates among trans youth are already too high.  Trans people are more likely to be victims of violent crimes than perpetrators. The Trump administration is trying to roll back protections for transgender people.  D211 does not need to contribute to this effort.

We have heard the arguments against open access to trans people, and find them unimpressive.  To be frank, they read more like someone took old homophobic arguments and replaced the word “gay” with “trans.”  While we understand the Slippery Slope Fallacy, we do believe that the “privacy” arguments being used against trans students could easily be used against other members of the LBGTQ+ community.

The D211 Board says it needs more time to consider this policy.  We offer this suggestion:  Other school districts have implemented this policy without incident, D211 should do the same. Cisgender people have nothing to fear from trans folk in locker rooms or restrooms. However, when trans folk are forced to use the facilities of their biological gender which are a mismatch to their outer appearance and inner selves, they are at risk for violence from cis-gendered folk .

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Web Exclusive: Democratic candidates for the IL54 State House District meet Palatine UFO Base staff (Fiction)

By Reporter X

File photo of Ryan Huffman

File photo of Maggie Trevor.

About fifty staff members of Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base attended a meeting with two of the three Democratic candidates for the Illinois 54th State House District race. Maggie Trevor and Ryan Huffman were able to participate, and Syed Hussein was not.

“There are days I want to tell our local leaders about our base,” said Sheila Danforth, president of the Space Traffic Controllers Union local #2.  “Then, I remember that Tom Morrison is our state representative.  He calls himself a tax fighter, but he seems to spend more time fighting transgender people.  Can you imagine trying to explain the gender of a Ross 128 visitor to him?  He would embarrass Palatine and all humanity.  Now, these two candidates are worthy of being the first Cook County politicians to know about our UFO Base.”

Huffman introduced himself as a “data analyst, policy expert, and political activist,” who wants to continue the work he “started as a candidate for the Sixth Congressional District.”  He described his top-secret work with the Obama administration to bring alien energy efficiency devices to market.  After his failed primary bid for Congress, he became an interstellar affairs advisor for Sean Casten, who won in the general election.

“We have the chance to be part of the Interstellar Commonwealth, but it’s only a chance.  I want to lead the next generation of leaders who will prove humanity worthy of that chance.  I want to create an Illinois that is known as an interstellar beacon of progress, instead of known for its corrupt leaders.”

Huffman concluded by saying he was eager to hear about Trevor because he couldn’t find her web page.

Trevor replied: “Oh, some cybersquatter stole it while I was thinking about a second run for office.”

“They can sneak up on you if you’re not familiar with the Internet,” replied Huffman.

“I suppose.  So I guess I’m going to have to spend some of my $35,000 campaign fund to get it back.”

Huffman’s eyes widened, and he coughed several times.

“You do have a campaign fund, right?”

“Eventually,” Huffman replied. 

Trevor said that in addition to being a Harvard Fellow, an assistant professor, and an analyst, she also helped establish Iowa City’s Tigerhawk UFO Base in the 1990s.  She currently runs Trevor Research Services.

“Some people say I’m the female Sean Casten,” said Trevor.  “I prefer to think of Sean as the male Maggie Trevor.”

A member of the New World Order asked Huffman why he didn’t accept their offer to run for the Palatine village board. Huffman replied: “Serious issues are facing my generation that I can address on the state level.  I don’t have time to deal with which subdivisions have to pay a fee to be connected to a sewer line when my generation needs solutions to climate change, student debt, and political corruption.  It’s time for the Baby Boomers to get out of the way and let #generationscrewed become #generationrenewal.”

“Generation X always gets forgotten in these discussions,” said Trevor.  “Let me put it this way:  I will not let Tom abort the progress we’ve made in Illinois.  I will keep working and retrying until our state’s problems are fixed, and I will not let Illinois fail.  The 54th District can do better than a Tom Morrison theocracy.”

Morrison refused to be interviewed for this article. 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar filming ‘Masterclass’ (Fiction)

Sources confirm that Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is filming an instructional video for the Masterclass web site. Claar’s course will teach viewers how to master Illinois’s campaign finance laws.

In a clip obtained by the Babbler,  Claar says : “Cook County politicians envy my fundraising abilities. The Chicago Tribune and Crain’s have written about my techniques.”  Later in the clip, he winks and says, “If you pay for my course, I’ll share my secrets with you.”

In another clip, Claar speaks to a female student:  “In the late 1990s, Illinois passed campaign finance reform laws. Don’t let those laws limit your political ambitions.  That means you don’t just have a personal campaign fund.  You should also set up your own political party.  If you’re really ambitious, you should also set up a Political Action Committee.  Doing these three things will give you triple the opportunities to receive maximum donations from your supporters.”

Another clip shows Claar sitting in The Nest Bar and Grill with a young woman.  

Student:  So what happens to a campaign fund after the election?

Claar:  People think you need to stop campaigning after the votes are counted.  That’s wrong.  Losers stop campaigning.  Winners look for campaign opportunities every day.  (Turns towards the waiter) You’re a Bolingbrook resident, right?

Waiter:  Yes.

Claar:  Did you know I might be running for reelection?

Waiter:  No.

Claar:  Now you do.  I’ll start with the usual.

Waiter: One Mayor’s Platter coming up.

Claar:  See?  Because I just campaigned, I can use my campaign fund to pay for this meal.

Student:  Wow!  That means I can have the Steak Sandwich, and my rich supporters will pay for it.

Claar: Exactly.

A third clip shows Claar and the woman on a beach in California.

Claar:  Losers only campaign in their districts.  Winners know that constituents like to travel around the world.

Student:  But can we really spend campaign money out of state?

Claar:  Of course.  We’re going to have dinner with someone who has helped in many of my campaigns.  That’s campaign related, and if its campaign related—

Student: We can spend campaign funds!

Claar: Exactly.

In the last clip, Claar confronts the female student:

Claar:  So how did you do?

Student;  I raised $10,000 and now I’m ready to run!

Claar:  Ten thousand dollars?  That less than the contribution limit from a corporation! What if you need batteries?  What if you need to pay the tuition of a supporter?  What if you need a satellite radio in your car?

Student: But my opponent only has $100 so it seemed—

Claar: Young lady, you showed mercy.  There is no mercy in Illinois politics.  Especially in Bolingbrook!

A receptionist for Claar refused to confirm or deny if Claar was filming anything for a Masterclass.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “Patch still hasn’t taken down the second ad from Bolingbrook United.  How are we countering it?”

A woman who sounded like Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer said: “I’ve created teams of Facebook commentators.  Team Fake News will say the article is fake, even though it isn’t.  Team Bonus will say you deserve a tax-free fund because you’re a great mayor.  Team What-about will try to distract residents by mentioning other Illinois politicians.  The team that gets the most likes will get to join you for a constituent lunch.”

“They’re small teams, right?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll just cash out one of my CDs just to be safe.  You can never have too much money in the fund.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar defies Mother Nature by starting the Pathways Parade
Aliens remember 9/11
Claar offers to host summit meeting with Lunar Tardigrades
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Mayor Noak tells the New World Order that Romeoville is ‘the village that can’ (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the opening of a high-speed rail between Romeoville and the Peotone UFO Base, Mayor John Noak called Romeoville “the village that can.”

“There’s a village north of us,” said Noak.  “I won’t name it, you probably know which one.  Their mayor used to brag about all the things he could do.  Since he defected to the Illuminati, we never hear him talk about doing things. He always talks about what his village can’t do.  His village can’t have a Metra station.  His village can’t have a budget surplus.  And his village can’t host Ribfest.  Well, his village can’t, but we are the village that can.”

Noak then thanked the New World Order for supporting Romeoville:

“I used to believe the Illuminati’s propaganda, but I know better now.  The truth is, success doesn’t come from chaos.  It comes from order.  Only through stability can our residents enjoy their freedom.”

Noak later added:  “I was once drunk with success, but the NWO helped turn me around.  Now I am proud to say, ‘E Pluribus Unum!’  I will never let our secret society down again.”

Later during the opening, DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess thanked the New World Order for choosing Romeoville:

“You’re going to like working with our residents because of their industrious spirit.  You know, whenever I’m at a meeting and the Edgar County Watchdogs are attempting to drain my soul with Illuminati incantations, I’ll catch myself wondering why I’m letting these dogs suck minutes from my life.  Then I remember that I’m a Romeoville resident.  We can do anything, and that includes standing up to those Illuminati bullies and Illuminati Knight Alyssia Benford!  It makes me want to say, “In God we Trust!”

A woman ran on to the stage and whispered into his ear.

“Oops,”  he replied.  “Um, I meant E Pluribus Unum!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy, and could not be disturbed:

“Roger wants me to remind callers about the evils of socialism.  But just between you and me, I love our socialized luxury golf club.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So you’re one of Charlene’s Russian friends.  How can I help you?”

“I want to build a big beautiful borscht factory in Bolingbrook!”

“I love it, and I know just the place to put it.” 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Illuminati endorses Jeanne Ives and Rachel F. Ventura for Congress (Fiction)

The Illuminati announced their endorsement of Congressional candidates Rachel F. Ventura and Jeanne Ives during their gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“These two women will bring chaos to both sides of the aisle,” said International Master Councilor Orpheus Lightbringer.  “With their help, we can destroy the New World Order, destabilize all the world’s governments, and create chaos that we can exploit.”

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano performed the Rite of Rising, then praised both women:  “We care about the Illuminati and destroying the New World Order.”  After talking for 30 minutes, Illuminati security dragged him off stage for “unnecessary self-promotion.”

Ventura, who is running in the Democratic Primary against incumbent Rep. Bill Foster, ran on stage and grinned.  “Wow!” she said.  “An audience of more than 8 people!  There’s hope for my campaign!  Thank you!  Thank you for your endorsement!”

She then talked about why she was running for Congress after being elected to Will County Board just last November: “For years, (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) told me to trust the New World Order and their plan to save the environment.  Then Bernie Sanders called.  He said the New World Order could not be reformed and asked if I would join Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and him to lead an Illuminati takeover of the US Government.  When he said he needed my help to get the Green New Deal passed through Congress, I accepted.”

Ventura blamed the NWO for the current “climate crisis,” and accused Foster of being an NWO puppet.  She said humanity’s only hope for survival depended on the destruction of the current geopolitical order.  She also said that she wasn’t afraid of creating global chaos:  “I’m a single mother of twins.  I live with chaos, and we get along just fine.”

She ended her speech by saying: “Let me conclude with these words inspired by one of my generation’s greatest speakers, Taylor Swift: My Congressman is such a clueless man that he can’t give a damn about our great green plan.  So let’s shake him!  Shake him!  Shake him off!  Look what you made me do, Bill!”  

Ives then took the stage and saluted the crowd of Illuminati dignitaries: “Jeanne Ives, reporting for duty!”

 She then ripped into her primary opponent, former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti: “She’s an empty suit who stood by while (Governor Bruce Rauner) watered down the Republican brand.  Some people say she applied for a job within Democrat Party Governor Pat Quinn administration.  She may live in Wheaton, but she doesn’t live Wheaton values!”

Ives said that she was going to embrace the modern Republican Party’s image and not pretend to be a “mushy moderate.”  She said the themes of her controversial TV ad during her 2018 campaign for Governor would be the themes of her campaign:

“Fear of trans people is the key to uniting the Left and the Right against gay people weaseling their way into acceptability! Even godless people share my feelings.  As a Congresswoman, I’ll do everything I can to bring down the gay agenda one letter at a time.”

Ives also promised to be a “proud, refined and TV-friendly voice for Trumpism.”

If she wins the Republican nomination, she said her plan to “trigger” Rep. Sean Casten would propel her to victory:

“In the middle of the debate, I’m going to make two ‘Okay’ signs. He’ll accuse me of flashing a racist symbol. I’ll pretend that it was an innocent gesture.  He’ll go into some long explanation that will bore the low information voters right into my campaign and drive me to victory!  Then the Illuminati will take all three branches of government.  Fnord!”

When asked about her alleged ties to DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford, she replied, “I wish her luck as the next Governor of Illinois.”

A spokesperson for Benford said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a man said, “Um, you need to provide a reason why we should disbar someone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “Why should I have to give you a reason?”

“Because those are the rules.”

“Fine.”

A few seconds later, the man replied, “‘Because he’s (Name Redacted)?’  Are you serious?”

“You just attacked all residents of Bolingbrook!  The lie:  Are you serious?  The truth: I am a member of the Rotary Club of Bolingbrook.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives the weekend heatwave
Weredogs file complaint against a dog daycare facility
Claar denies he will replace Village Attorney James Boan with an alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/24/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Is Weed World coming to Bolingbrook? (Fiction)

Could Bolingbrook become the home of the largest marijuana shopping center in the world? If Kevin Z. Sampson has his way, Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center will become Weed World.

“This will be a totally immersive experience,” said Sampson.  “Once we open, you’ll never want to get high in your apartment or home again.”

Weed World should open in early 2020 when recreational marijuana use becomes legal in Illinois.  According to Sampson, Weed World will have a dispensary, hydroponic farms, “Inhalation booths,” home products, convenience stores, chat salons, and restaurants. Patrons will be able to buy marijuana, smoke it, eat a meal, hang out, and go shopping, without leaving Weed World.

“It’s a win, win.  Our customers will get high and generate revenue for the state and village. Bolingbrook can use its share of tax revenues to eliminate some fees.  Plus, I’m sure Weed World will drive up home values: Because in Bolingbrook, you’ll be able to get high at Weed World, and not have to worry about removing the stench from your own home.”

Patricia, a partner who asked that we not use her last name, believes Weed World will encourage corporations to relocate to Bolingbrook: “What CEO wouldn’t love to get high after a hard day of hyping up their company to Wall Street?  Sure we expect them to ban their employees from enjoying our product, but do you really think they follow the same rules as the rest of us?”

Not everyone is happy with the Weed World proposal.  An anonymous source within Bolingbrook United expressed concern that Weed World would undermine the purpose of the legislation:

“One of the goals of legalization was to undo the harm to minority communities caused by the war on drugs.  I don’t think the creation of a Weed Walmart was one of the goals.  We don’t have an official position yet, but I hope we decide to encourage the creation of many marijuana retail stores, rather than have one superstore in Bolingbrook. That will allow for mom and pop pot dispensaries as well as help the nearby restaurant and junk food industries”.

Sampson pointed to the area around the mall to counter that argument.  “I don’t know about you, but this area screams underdeveloped.  This shopping center has been an eyesore for Bolingbrook for over 30 years.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) hasn’t been able to fix it, but we’re about to.”

Patricia added that they will hire employees with previous experience: “They know more about our potential customers than some ad firm in Chicago.  We’ll need their experience so we can provide the highest standards of customer service.”

Sampson and Patricia were not concerned about the Village banning marijuana businesses:

“We expect to be very profitable, and we will reward those who will keep the Bolingbrook market free from competition—I mean excessive regulations.”

The current owner of Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center could not be reached for comment.

When asked to comment, Claar said, “Just between you and me, this drug is dangerously unpredictable.  In the 1930s, it caused insanity and turned users into criminals.  Then it started turning people into hippies.  Then it turned your brain into fried eggs.  Who knows what it will do in the future?”  He made some unprintable comments about both Cook County Democrats and Illinois Democrats, then hung up.

Also in the Babbler: 

Village to ban betting on Royce Road RD flooding
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies helping the CIA hack Russia’s electrical grid
Trump tells Ricketts family to move Wrigley Field to Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/22/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Frozen alien de-thawed by doctors at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base’s medical staff successfully revived a frozen alien days after its human suit malfunctioned during the recent arctic cold blast.

UFO“This is why Clow is under a Nuclear Winter Level Alert,” said James Z. Clarkson, one of the staff doctors who treated the alien.  “Human suits are only designed to operate in normal human environments.  This week was not normal!  She is lucky to be alive, and, more importantly, she’s lucky (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is not in charge.”

Clow officials would not release the alien’s name but did say she was from Venus and her suit’s heater and pressure regulator had malfunctioned.  The temperature in her suit dropped from 864 Fahrenheit to sub-zero.  The doctors say she survived because her suit injected a preservative into her, and she was found in time.

“One more day and she would have been dead,” said Clarkson.

Other anonymous sources say that when she woke up, her first question was: “Did I miss the drama?”  When pressed for more information, she said she has no other memory of the night she left Clow UFO Base.

Based on where her body was found, it is suspected that she was on her way to the special DuPage Township meeting happening that night.

“No government meeting is worth risking your life for,” said one of the sources.  “I don’t even know if anything dramatic happened at that meeting.”

When called, a receptionist said she was busy fulfilling a FOIA request from “those annoying guys from Edgar County.”

In the background, a man said, “I finally finished my research into appointing supervisors.  They were right.  (Trustee Ken Burgess) needed to resign before the board could appoint him.”

“Drat!” said a woman who sounded like Township Trustee Maripat Oliver.  “How could they be right, and (Former Township Supervisor William Mayer) be wrong?”

“I don’t know.  You do know what they say about broken clocks?”

“Whatever.  Hey, I just thought of something.  These Edgar County dogs are outsiders, and they’re trying to influence the (Bolingbrook Consolidated Election) so Roger’s candidates win.”

“I guess.”

“It’s collusion!  Just like what the Russians are doing.  Alyssia Benford is the puppet of outsiders, and that’s collusion, right?”

“I wouldn’t say that.  There are many issues to consider.”

“But we could investigate just to be sure, right?”

“Maybe.  I don’t think there are any laws against a township conducting—” 

“And ban their website until the investigation is over, right?”

After a long pause, the man said, “It might be possible since the Constitution doesn’t mention Townships specifically.  But your best option is to wait until I can research this—”

“My other option is to just do it, right?”

“Right, but it might not—”

“I’ll get to work on the subpoena for Jeanne Ives!  She’s in on this, I know! And don’t worry, we won’t spend any general assistance funds on this.”

“Still, you might want to proceed with caution—”

“Nonsense!  It’s better to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission!  I’m setting the controls for the heart of the sun!” 

Note: This is a work of fiction.