By Reporter X
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar enraged many attendees of the Clow UFO Base Holiday Concert by insisting that only Christmas music be played.
“We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!” said Claar. “We call it Christmas in Bolingbrook, and we don’t use this holiday nonsense! So, I’m through being politically correct! I’m changing this to a Christmas concert. If that triggers you, too bad!”
The announcement was followed by over five minutes of booing, objects thrown on stage, and three aliens projectile vomiting in Claar’s direction.
Claar was not moved: “Your rage only strengthens my resolve!”
Clow authorities ended up arresting 300 attendees, treating 179 for injuries, and issuing fines totaling over a billion interstellar credits. Officials compared the mayhem at this concert to the 1994 Industrial Holiday Concert headlined by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult and Genitorturers.
“In 1994, Roger could blame his planning staff for that disaster,” said one official who asked not to be identified. “This time it’s all on Roger. I don’t know why he felt the need to change the theme at the last minute.”
Another anonymous official blames Fox News: “Roger’s been watching a lot of Fox News lately. I heard him claiming that liberals have started a war on Thanksgiving. Then he said he needed to save Christmas from his ‘foes.’ Just between you and me, things have been getting out of hand around here since the impeachment hearings started.”
While most of the performers honored the Christmas music-only theme, a few of them rebelled. Members of Blue Star, a band from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, walked on stage wearing Blue Santa outfits. The lead singer told the audience: “We heard that on your planet, the Hebrew word for Christmas is Hanukah. They also celebrate it over eight nights. So let’s get into the holiday spirit!”
The band then started playing “Hava Nagila.” Claar then ordered band members arrested for disorderly conduct.
“You know damn well that song has nothing to do with Christmas or the birth of Christ,” Claar said over the public address system.
“Even I know Christmas had nothing to do with your false prophet!” countered the lead singer.
As the band members were dragged off stage, the drummer yelled in Hebrew: “Move to the Promised Worlds! All the Milk and Honey you can eat. None of the occupied territories!”
The publicist for the band explained that the drummer meant that planets settled by the Lost Tribes of Israel were never home to civilizations or intelligent beings.
Later in the show, a man in a fireproof suit ran on stage and poured a liquid on himself.
“The only holiday worth celebrating is HumanLight!” he yelled before setting himself on fire.
Security doused the flames and arrested the man. They pulled off his head covering and revealed him to be Atheist activist David Silverman.
“Support Atheist Alliance International!” he yelled. “I need the money!”
As he was dragged away, Silverman repeatedly yelled the word “Red!”
“That’s not the safe word,” replied Claar.
Near the end of the show, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz walked on stage holding a metal pole. He stated:
“I have a grievance. Once a month I have to deal with a man who thinks he’s better than a king and thinks anyone who opposes him is not a real resident.”
“Get to the Christmas part or get off the stage,” snapped Claar.
“Okay, Roger. Friends, for those of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s a time when we wish for world peace and for everyone to just get along. So, in that spirit, I’d like to invite two people on to the stage.”
Representative Bill Foster and his primary challenger, Will County Board member Rachel Ventura, walked on to the stage. Foster then stared at a teleprompter.
“Gee Rachel,” said Foster, who didn’t look at Ventura and had no emotion in his voice. “We’ve been fighting for all these months. In the spirit of Christmas, let’s try to be nice to each other.”
Ventura frowned: “I’m only reading this because it will help me unite the Democratic party after I send you into retirement. ‘Gee Bill, you’re right. Let’s enjoy the evergreen trees and make a new deal.’ Bob! Tell me you didn’t write this. Right?”
Jaskiewicz laughed: “Now we’re going to sing a song. But we’re going to need some help and she’s coming on stage right now.”
Yoko Ono walked on stage and waved. Many aliens stopped fighting with security and cheered. Ono, along with Jaskiewicz, Foster, and Ventura, started singing “Happy Xmas (War is over.)” Soon the entire audience started singing along.
Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler stumbled onto the stage and joined the singing. Trustee Mary Basta then ran up to Lawler and started singing. A hologram of Claar appeared on the stage and motioned for them to get off the stage.
After the song, Ono thanked the audience: “I want to end all wars in the galaxy. Do you?”
The aliens cheered. Ono then started singing her current interstellar hit song, “Ack!”
Claar covered his ears and complained to his guest in his skybox about aliens’ taste in Earth music.
Also in the Babbler:
Alyssia Benford spotted measuring Mayor Claar’s office
Ten-Thousand-year-old cat revived then wants to be outside
Mayor Claar threatens to arrest Toter marchers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/6/19
Note: This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.