By Reporter X
During a COVID-19 memorial service at Clow UFO Base, alien atheist activist Ja Locas accused Earth’s religions of promoting evil:
“Some human religious leaders say they must hold crowded services during a pandemic,” said Locas. “If your God requires risking His followers’ lives for rote rituals of praise, then your God is evil!”
Locas, who is the leader of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Non-belief, also said that he had a dim view of humanity’s future:
“Your secret societies tell me that humanity is ready to become an interstellar species. But I look around and see protesters confusing reasonable stay at home policies with genocide. I see anti-vaccination activists already working to derail mass immunization campaigns. I hear Melania Trump selling Enceladus cheese from her factory as a cure for COVID-19. I do not see a species ready for the stars. I see a species about to be caught in the Great Filter.”
The speech was met with mixed reactions. Oknak, a representative from the Universal Catholic Church, called for Locas’s execution:
“The real evil people are atheists who question our unquestionable God!”
Rabbi Ruth from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, clad in a full biohazard suit, offered a different perspective during her speech:
“Yes, God has unleashed a plague upon the Earth, just as He did to the lands of Pharaoh. Like he did in Egypt, he will pass over people who leave a mark. This time, the mark is not the blood of lambs. It is the mark of science, medicine, and social distancing. These are gifts from God, and humans who accept them will be passed over!”
Juanita Z. Patterson, the supervisor of the Clow staff members sequestered inside Clow, urged attendees not to focus on religious debates:
“On behalf of the Doomsday Crew, we are saddened by the deaths and suffering caused by the Pandemic. We are angered by the politicians who cry ‘open the economy’ but really just want to deny poor people unemployment benefits and force sick people to work. We look outside and see people who are numbed by the numbers: Over 4000 dead in Illinois; 89,000 nationwide; and over 315,000 globally. These were not actors. They were not participants in a hoax. They were human beings with families and loved ones. They had stories to tell, and now their stories have been truncated. We are holding this memorial not to debate religion, but to mourn the loss of so many lives. We may have lost not just so many souls, but the world we knew before we sealed ourselves inside Clow.”
After the speech, Patterson was heard saying that they should have had a teleconference with atheist PZ Myers instead of Locas.
When reached for comment, a receptionist for Claar said he was busy counting to fifty:
“This pandemic is so stressful that counting to ten doesn’t work anymore.”
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:
“Dear God. I found out that Children aren’t immune to the Coronavirus, and some sailors may have been reinfected. I’m being forced to choose between saving businesses and saving taxpayers—I mean residents. I don’t know how much more I can take. Please give me a sign. Any kind of sign to prove that you’re not giving me the Job treatment.”
In the background, someone yelled: “Murder Hornet!”
After several gunshots, another person yelled: “Officer down! Pistols don’t work! Unlock the shotguns!”
“Now you’re just (expletive deleted) with me,” said Claar.
Also in the Babbler:
Mayor Claar and sentient coronavirus trade insults
Russian special forces spread anti-vaccination propaganda in Naperville
Edgar County Board denies dumping their COVID-19 patients in Will County
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/20/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.