Each year we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Bolingbrook’s Annual State of the Village Address, Of the major opposition parties, only Bolingbrook United sent a reply. Bolingbrook First politely declined. We also received replies from Bolingbrook’s minor opposition parties: The Roger Claar Party, The Zero Tax Party, The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook, The Al Gore Party, and The Dog Catcher Party.
The opinions expressed are those of the parties and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Babbler.
The Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)
“A great mayor deserves a great party.”
Wow. That was our first reaction to the speech. Great things are happening in our village. Would they have happened if Roger wasn’t our mayor? We think not. This is the best time to be a resident of Bolingbrook because we are living in the peak-Roger period!
Unfortunately, we know that Roger has never been fully supported by his Trustees, and this year is no different. Bolingbrook First has abandoned him. Will the First Party for Bolingbrook really put Roger first? The sad reality is he is all alone in Village Hall.
Imagine if there were a political party that fully supported Roger. Imagine trustees that threw themselves in front of politicians who tried to bother our residents at home. Imagine trustees that would speak up every time the Anti-Roger tried to poison the discourse in Village Hall.
Now stop imagining. We are that party.
This could be Roger’s final term as Mayor. We think a great parting gift would be a board filled with trustees who fully support him. After all Roger has done for us, the least you can do is vote for the only party that is named after the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook.
The Zero Tax Party
“Zero taxes=infinite revenue”
Once again, Roger declined to abolish all taxes and fees in Bolingbrook. He still subscribes to the dated belief that taxes generate revenue.
We, with our advanced understanding of quantum mathematics, know better. When a body of government is formed and decides not to impose taxes, it will suddenly have infinite revenue. This is the only logical conclusion of Supply Side Economics!
If you doubt us, then consider this. How did the Park District cut taxes and suddenly have enough money to fund renovations to our playgrounds? Quantum mathematics is the answer!
So if you want to live in a village without taxes and infinite funds to meet every resident’s needs, then vote for us!
The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook
“Keeping religion out of village hall”
It’s bad enough that you have to dress up and pay $70 to attend the State of the Village Address. Did Roger really have to make it worse by including a prayer?
Religion has no place in this village. Period. It’s bad enough that we have to fill our strip malls with businesses that don’t generate sales taxes. We also have to subsidize the tax-free churches infesting our village. Residents complain of “negativity” and “divisiveness” whenever someone disagrees with the mayor about garbage toters. They overlook the corrosive effect religion has on our village. We are divided by at least 22 places of worship. We agree with Christopher Hitchens: Religion poisons everything!
Bolingbrook has succeeded in spite of its religious divisions, not because of them. Some will argue that God made Bolingbrook great. We ask this simple question: Which one? The God that favors descendants of Israel? The God who thinks all violence is wrong? The God who blesses armies? The God who had a son? The God who followed up on what his son said?
We won’t take religion out of your home, but we will it take out of village hall, and demand that religious institutions pay the same taxes as the hard-working residents of Bolingbrook.
You don’t need faith to know that Bolingbrook is great!
The Al Gore Party
“We were warned.”
Roger has done many great and not so great things for our village. I think we can agree that he’s good at spending other people’s money.
We can debate what he has done, but it is more important to look at what is coming. The climate that supported Bolingbrook’s growth is going away. Climate change is a fact. We need to prepare for this.
Climate change will mean Bolingbrook will face heavier rains in the spring, and more droughts in the summer. Is it wise to subsidize a luxury golf course when this space could be used for another water retention lake?
As the demand for Lake Michigan water increases, will future mayors reward residents for maintaining their yards or reward them for conserving water? Today our yards are expected to be covered with grass. Will tomorrow’s yards be covered only with dirt instead?
Climate change may also cause the greatest domestic refugee crises since the dust bowl. How will we deal with these refugees? Today Trump’s USA rejects refugees from Mexico. Will it reject refugees from Mexico, Missouri tomorrow?
We cannot keep debating how great Bolingbrook is or isn’t. The climate of the past is gone. We need to prepare for the new climate that is coming. If we are to be a great village in the future, we may need to make many serious changes to survive.
The Dog Catcher Party
“We will not resign.”
We understand that Bolingbrook is not an island. We understand that non-residents will donate to both major parties in Bolingbrook. We understand that not all the volunteers for both parties will be residents. We understand that anyone in the world can make comments about Bolingbrook. Because we know that the voters, who are residents, will make the final choice.
What we do not tolerate are non-residents disrupting local meetings and threatening to file lawsuits. Yes, we are looking at you, Edgar County Watchdogs.
Instead of focusing on important issues in Edgar County, (like the lack of tornado sirens), the Watchdogs like to spend their time harassing governments hundreds of miles away from them, (including the DuPage Township). We are disappointed that Roger did not denounce them or stand up for his longtime ally, Township Supervisor William Mayer.
Their critics note their ties to the Republican party. We do not feel that is the best way to view them. They are fanatics who follow the most extreme interpretation of the law to take down those they consider impure. Nothing will stop them from holding properly elected officials to their impossible standards. We are appalled that a certain local politician is using them for personal gain.
If elected to the Village board, we promise to make sure that the village follows sensible interpretations of the law. If a board member feels the need to summon these foreign watchdogs, maybe they should consider stepping down first, before disrupting our meetings.
If these dogs say to us, “You must resign.” Our answer will be simple: “No. We will not resign. You must go (expletive deleted) yourselves.”
Also in the Babbler:
Russians fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Palatine UFO Base cancels 100 landings due to a frozen sensor
Bigfoot sighted near Mayor Claar’s home
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/25/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.