Village officials are racing against time to get Bolingbrook’s floating command center ready for launch.
“We need a third command center,” said a village employee who asked to remain anonymous. “2020 isn’t finished with us. The White House and the Senate are COVID hotspots! If the Vice-president goes down, there will be a legal fight over whether Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, or Mike Pompeo will take over. Then we’ll have to worry about what’s left of the Trump campaign contesting the election results. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up in a nuclear war—”
Another village employee shouted: “Don’t give 2020 any ideas!”
According to various sources, Bolingbrook currently has two emergency command centers: One is a bunker under Village Hall. The other is a hidden bunker under the Bolingbrook Golf Club. Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Golf Club bunker houses an alternate village board, while the current board members work at Village Hall.
In 1997, the village secretly purchased a pontoon boat to use as a floating command center. At the time, Bolingbrook’s flood plain was expanding and some officials feared a village-wide flood. It was hoped that the command center would allow the government to keep functioning during the theorized super flood.
After 2002, with the construction of the Golf Club, and ten pillars secretly built under Bolingbrook, the village was no longer in danger of facing a super flood. Instead of selling the boat, the village hid the boat in then Mayor Roger Claar’s backyard— in case Bolingbrook faced a 100,000-year flood, and the mayor needed to quickly get to the boat.
“Roger liked to do ‘command drills,’” said Pete, a former Bolingbrook employee who asked not to be identified. “Honestly, we’d do a short drill, then drink beer and go fishing. The pontoon was state of the art at the time, and is still a good boat.”
The Public Works Department was planning on selling the pontoon until Village co-administrators Ken Teppel and Lucas Rickelman ordered the boat to be “converted back into a command center.”
Stephanie, a village employee who asked that we not use her real name, claims the boat is under-equipped:
“Someone stripped the electronics to make room for a bar and freezer. I won’t say who. Anyway, now we’ve got to get it ready in a week and find ways to keep it out of the budget. We don’t want ‘them’ to know about it. So far we’re pretending that we bought a new police car, and are using the money to equip the boat. We’re hoping all the watchdog groups are too obsessed with DuPage Township to notice what we did.”
According to Stephanie, once the boat is equipped, it will be moved to Whalon Lake. In an emergency, designated village officials will board the boat and cast off. In theory, all emergency services could be coordinated through the boat’s Internet connection. Stephanie says village officials believe it is important to have a floating command center:
“Rioters won’t be inclined to swim towards it. Fires can’t harm it on the lake, and if 2020 throws a flood at us, we’ll be ready! Plus, the commanders will always have access to fish and water!”
Stephanie also believes that there is a debate over which village officials should be stationed on the boat:
“(Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) thinks she should be on the boat because she’s the mayor. The co-administrators think they should be because the Mayor is now a symbolic position. I’m sure they’ll work it out. Everyone agrees that (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) will not be allowed on the boat. If he wants to be on the water he can rent a rowboat!”
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denied the existence of the pontoon boat:
“You are such a negative reporter! There are so many positive things going on in Bolingbrook, and you would know that if your calendar section worked with my Facebook Page instead of with the Bolingbrook Events page!”
In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “I just approved Trick or Treating in Bolingbrook this year. So now I’m the #1 fun mom of Bolingbrook, and I don’t want to mess it up with any distractions. So we’re going to let you go if you promise not to act like a masked vigilante.”
“I still need to know how you figured out my secret identity.”
“Simple. Your costume is made of the same material only one company in Bolingbrook uses, and you’re the only person in Bolingbrook who could afford to buy and customize an AGMV.”
“Curses! But you need me. Don’t you watch Fox News? Chicago is burning, and the flames will soon reach Bolingbrook.”
“Chicago isn’t always burning, and when it is, we don’t need real-life superheroes. We just block the entrances to the Promenade with snow plows and that keeps the looters away.”
Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook Antifa conducts ‘Proud Boy’ exercise
Vampires to hold an emergency blood drive in Naperville
Representative Bill Foster escapes President Trump’s biological attack
God to spare Bolingbrook this week
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.