By Reporter X
Three aliens were arrested and charged with dropping a blue whale carcass near the Sixth hole of the Bolingbrook Golf Club.
“Bolingbrook is not a dumping ground,” said Peter. Z. Louis, a prosecutor representing Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs. “I will do all that I can to dump this criminal crew in the darkest, coldest cell on Pluto!”
Matt, who asked that we not use his last name, said he witnessed the whale’s impact:
“I was waiting for my food when I saw this blob in the sky. I left my coat at the table and ran outside to take a look. Af first I thought it was one of those UFOs that I always hear about in Bolingbrook. Then I realized it was a falling whale. Well, let’s just say I will never think of the term, ‘Bolingbrook Bounce’ the same way again!”
The aliens pleaded not guilty and asked to be represented by Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco. The judge informed them that Giamanco was not licensed to practice interstellar law, and assigned an attorney for them.
“My clients were framed!” said Jenny Z. Guzman, the lawyer for the crew. “I will prove in court that they were working under the direction of Mayor Roger Claar. He wanted a whale meat buffet and asked my clients to deliver a dead whale to the golf club. There was a slight misunderstanding, and that’s why the whale was delivered to the wrong location. I will also not tolerate jokes about Improbability Drives!”
Guzman insisted the whale was dead when the aliens found it in the ocean.
The New World Order wants to question the crew members regarding a whale that was found in the Amazon.
A receptionist for Mayor Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:
“The Bolingbrook S.T.E.M. association just held a demonstration for us, and Michael Carpanzano was the MC. Can you tell that Bolingbrook Politics lady that it was not a political event?”
In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “What were you thinking when you posted those pictures in Bolingbrook Politics?”
“I have no idea what you are talking about,” said a man who sounded like Carpanzano.
“That’s not what my Channer friends are telling me.”
“You trust your Chinese friends more than you trust me, whom people describe as a community leader?”
“The point is, if I can figure it out, others can figure it out.”
“You’re so negative Charlene, and we don’t do negative in Bolingbrook. So let’s say I did post photos of myself at the Trump fundraiser in Bolingbrook using a fake account. I would have done it to trigger the Bolingbrook United members and make them look bad— Thus ensuring victory for the First Party for Bolingbrook.”
“That’s brilliant!” said the woman. “It’s such a brilliant idea that it looped into (ableist comment deleted)!”
“Don’t make me do it!”
“Hear me out Mr. I Promoted a Tax Increase as a Tax Cut. Your plan might have worked in 2017, but that was before the criminal investigations of Trump. The optics are terrible. You look like a teenage fan of a corrupt politician, while Bolingbrook United gets to brag about canvassing neighborhoods with the Bolingbrook police union! And you undermined our latest rebranding flyer. Now Maripat can cry, ‘Boo Hoo! That flyer crossing out the Bolingbrook First name was so mean, but what do you expect from a bunch of self-identified Trump Republicans?’”
“I don’t have time for your immaturity,” said the man. “You are carped!”
“I counter with my Alligator Gar!”
The man screamed in horror.
The woman continued: “Leave the fake accounts to me, and I’ll leave the virtue signaling to you.”
Also in the Babbler:
Mayor Claar campaigns on Venus for the First Party for Bolingbrook
Clow UFO Base unions endorse Bolingbrook United
Post-modernists of Bolingbrook endorse Bolingbrook First
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/13/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.