Wereskunks promise not to disrupt Bolingbrook’s garbage forum (Fiction)


Bolingbrook’s wereskunks promised not to disrupt the public forum on garbage collection to be held on March, 26 at 6 PM at the Bolingbrook Community Center.

“Mayor Claar has assured us that we will be safe at this forum,” said Jacob Z. Porter, president of the Bolingbrook Wereskunk Service Organization. In return, we promised not to release a defensive scent whenever someone threatens our cousins.”

Porter said that their members hope to address many misunderstandings that residents have about skunks.

“Our cousins eat almost anything.  They help reduce the number of bugs in Bolingbrook.  Humans hate bugs, right?  They’re also the first line of defense against vicious bees.  Never been attacked by a swarm of bees?  Thank our cousins.  When the killer bees come to Bolingbrook, our cousin will protect you.  Will Bolingbrook protect our cousins?”

Doug, who refused to give his last name, called the proposed garbage toters an act of “genocide” against Bolingbrook’s skunk population.  “Garbage toters deprive our cousins of food.  Residents would rather waste food than give their scraps to our hungry cousins.  Village Hall will spend money to attract more restaurants to Bolingbrook, but when our cousins are hungry, (Mayor Roger Claar) says he hopes they freeze to death over the winter.  After all, wereskunks have done for Bolingbrook, this is how your government thanks to our cousins.  We will not descend into the mud with Roger, but we will respond to the village’s hatred towards us.”

Matt X. Larson, a member of Bolingbrook Residents Against Animal Air Polluters, said he was glad the wereskunks will have a peaceful presence at the meeting, but he said his group still supports garbage toters:  “They tear open our garbage bags, spread litter on our yards, and stink up our neighborhoods.  I can’t wait to tell these wereskunks that garbage toters are as American as apple pie and assault rifles!  Don’t ask me what I think about Roger.”

Doug disagreed:  “What residents call littering, we call artistic expression.  If the village had smart leadership, they would take pictures of our cousins’ works and sell them on the art market.  The village would have a budget surplus in no time.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was mentoring someone and could not be disturbed.  She added, “I think its great that you are promoting this important public meeting.  We have some great toter prototypes to show our residents.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Okay, Charlene, you’ll be on press release duty Tuesday.  I’m giving you a pop quiz.”

“I’m ready.”

“The race between Bruce Rauner and Jeanne Ives is too close to call.”

“It is now up to God to decide who will represent the Republican party in the general election.  Whomever God decides on, our party must come together to fight the Chicago Democratic Machine and their extremist candidate for governor.”

“Bruce Rauner wins in a landslide.”

“Four years ago, the voters decided that Illinois should be run like a business and elected Bruce Rauner.  The Cook County Democrats in the state house are still acting like politicians.  It’s time for all God-fearing Illinoisans to come together to help our boss fire those slackers and make our state profitable.”

“Jeanne Ives wins in a landslide.”

“As a supporter of an organization inspired by God, and as a natural-born citizen, a married father, and someone who goes to church almost every Sunday, I know the power of miracles.  Tonight’s victory was a miraculous event.  Today, my faith in God is stronger than ever.  I hope all Illinois residents will come together and vote for His chosen candidate.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens finally allowed to visit Beggars Pizza in Bolingbrook
UFO crew refuses to place Jeanne Ives sign on craft
Claar decides to ban anti-matter bombs without consulting trustees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/21/18