Note: From time to time, the Babbler features articles from our sister publications around the world. This article comes from the Manchester Mumbler, which serves the Greater Manchester, UK area. We have translated this article into American English.
By Reporter Zed
“Her Majesty’s Government cannot afford to both exit the European Union and maintain UFO Bases. So when the Virgin Group offered to buy our ownership stake in the bases, we had to accept. We are sure they will do for interstellar travel what they have done for rail travel in the United Kingdom.”
Virgin Group founder Richard Branson, wearing a bow tie, sports jacket, and jeans, signed the contract formally transferring the bases.
“I decided to dress up for this occasion,” said Branson with a smile. “This is a great reward after waking up from a nap.”
Branson stated it was a great honor to represent the United Kingdom to the Interstellar Commonwealth: “Was it ever a good idea to have politicians speak for us? No offense, Prime Minister, it wasn’t. However, the distinguished representatives gathered here are more than welcome to permanently abduct Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn.”
The UFO bases will be now be managed by Virgin Galactic.
Branson said: “It will finally live up to its name.”
When asked what his plans were for the newly acquired bases, Branson said Virgin has many plans:
“I’ve toured the bases and they are so drab and dark. This is no way to greet beings who have traveled thousands of light years to visit us – So we’re going to change the color scheme. All of our bases will be fun, welcoming places of business! I want our visitors to feel like they’ve walked into one of the best Virgin Megastores in the Milky Way.”
Branson also promised to change how alien abductions are regulated:
“Right now, your probing missions terrify our citizens. People shouldn’t have nightmares about the experience From now on, every probe ship will be required to provide all their abductees with a Virgin Media center. While you’re doing your business, your guests can watch Virgin TV, play Virgin Games, listen to Music by Virgin Records artists, and receive coupons for any of our subsidiaries’ products or services.”
Though the New World Order will be primarily responsible for keeping all the UFO Bases a secret from the public, Virgin Galactic will assist them with a “new kind of enforcer”:
“We’re going to call it Your Buddies in Red. There will be male and female buddies. I like the New World Order, but they haven’t moved beyond crude intimidation tactics. The Buddies will be your best friend. You wouldn’t reveal your best friend’s secrets because they know all your secrets. See how it works? If you ask nicely, they might even help you move, but that’s a service we haven’t announced yet.”
When repeatedly asked by the interstellar media, he denied that the Virgin Group would ever ally with the Illuminati:
“That’s as unenlightened a thing to do as leaving the European Union. No offense, Prime Minister – Their promotion of Donald Trump proves their only agenda is global chaos. That doesn’t fit well with our vision for the world.”
Neither Branson nor May would disclose how much the Virgin Group bought the bases for, or if they would pay taxes on them.
Branson hoped the money would go towards the National Health Service.
May laughed: “Why would we spend it on sick people when we can conquer Spain instead?”
Also in the Mumbler:
Aliens arrested following global cyberattack
Government denies plan to exile remaining citizens
Richard Dawkins writes ‘Dear Muslima’ letter to Prime Minister May
God to smite Greater Manchester on 15/5/17