Web Exclusive: Happy Birthday PZ Myers! We have links! (Mixed)

In honor of PZ Myer’s birthday, we’ve decided to link to past articles we’ve written about him.

PZ Myers tweets from Hell!
Web Exclusive: Employment firm plans to ‘outsource’ PZ Myers
PZ Myers convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope
Manchester Mumbler: Irish atheists accused of trying to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope
Web Exclusive: Paranormal Affairs Division receives over 100 election complaints

Out of Character:  Over the years, PZ has challenged and changed my way of thinking about atheism and the atheist movement.  His posts and FtB have also introduced me to interesting people and communities.  So thank you, PZ, and have a very happy birthday.

Space aliens enjoy debate between Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar and Jackie Traynere (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook mayoral candidates Roger Claar, the incumbent, and Will County Board member Jackie Traynere engaged in a spirited debate at Clow UFO Base. Moderated by the Priory of Sion, Claar, who is aligned with the Illuminati, and Traynere, who is aligned with the New World Order, faced off in a town hall style debate.  It was their only scheduled debate before the April 4 election.

Before the debate began, Lesser Master Robert Gonzaga explained that while extraterrestrials will not be allowed to vote, the winner of the election will be the next administrator.  “One of these candidates represents the future of Clow UFO Base.  Will the New World Order reclaim this base, or will the Illuminati remain?”

Claar started by claiming to be an “independent Republican.”

“As my opponent won’t let you forget, I publicly supported Donald Trump while other Illinois Mayors were afraid to speak up.  She called it a betrayal of Bolingbrook.  I call it independence!  I remember many years ago, my advisors told not to spend taxpayer dollars to build a high-end golf club and an expensive housing development.  I didn’t listen them, and today we have the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and Americana Estates.  When the Illuminati said I should say, ‘Fnord’ at the end of my speeches, I said, ‘Ford’ because I know the ‘n’ is silent!”

Traynere stated that she too is an independent Democrat.  “When the Illinois Democratic Party wanted me to support Hillary Clinton, I decided to Support Bernie Sanders instead.  After the primary, the Bernie or Bust people tired to pressure me into joining them.  Instead I supported Hillary, and the Democratic Party, because I knew it was time to come together. Now, more than ever, Bolingbrook needs to come together.  To paraphrase a famous actor, Trump will not divide us!”

During the first question and answer session, many aliens asked about Clow’s new restrictions for gaining off-base visitor’s passes.  Others complained that the Illuminati’s new rules are making it almost impossible to exchange information with local human businesses.

Claar dismissed both of those concerns. “There are only two choices!  We can either have tightly controlled immigration to Clow, or we can have no forcefields and let every one in.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to see Bolingbrook residents eaten because of bleeding heart liberal policies!”

Traynere disagreed. “There is a middle way that allows for economic growth while protecting our secrets.  That way is following the sensible polices of the New World Order that served Clow so well for decades.”

Claar, in a departure from his positive campaigning, attacked Traynere’s political affiliations.  “If she wins, the corrupt Cook County Democrat party will take over.  You talk about Bolingbrook’s debt.  How about the debt Chicago has?  A debt created by your party!”

Traynere shook her head.  “You should know better, Roger.  That would be like me taking credit for California’s success under the Democrats, and blaming you for Kansas’ disastrous policies under the Republicans.”

During the second question and answer session, Qua, an alien, said that Claar also serves as Bolingbrook’s Liquor and Tobacco commissioner.  She asked if both candidates would appoint someone else to run those offices.  Traynere said yes.  Claar said an unprintable phrase.

Another alien asked both candidates how they intended to deal with Bolingbrook’s public debt.  Traynere said she would look into transferring part of Bolingbrook’s covert funds into public accounts. Claar was more blunt.

“Let me tell you a secret!  The only time Republicans give a damn about the debt is when a Democrat is in charge.  Just look at the Reagan administration!”

After two hours, both candidates gave their closing remarks.

Claar started talking about “real culture appropriation” before closing his notes.  “I don’t need help from Steve Bannon.  Look, its simple.  I don’t care what the residents of Bolingbrook look like, just as long as they keep electing me mayor.  As long as any resident doesn’t inconvenience me or President Trump, they can stay in my village.  Oh, and if you’re one of those people who believes in a diverse Bolingbrook, you can attend my Diversity Rally/Fundraiser on March 9.  Tickets are only $5.  Ford!”

Traynere talked about respecting the diversity of the community, and her commitment to supporting economic growth in Bolingbrook.  “Before the split, the Illuminati’s greatest creation was the United States of America.  The founding fathers selected a motto for the new country.  ‘E pluribus unum.’  ‘From many, one’.  To me, that’s also a fitting description of Bolingbrook.  From many backgrounds and cultures, we gather together to become one village.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar denies meeting with Russian ambassador
Extraterrestrials caught stealing Jackie Traynere’s yard signs
Martian Colonies close down Clow consulate
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/10/17.

Web Exclusive: Skepchick and Center for Inquiry evicted from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

IMG_2198

Clow International Airport, which serves as a cover for Clow UFO Base.

First Lady Melania Trump evicted Skepchick and the Center for Inquiry from all Illuminati controlled UFO bases, including Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  Both organizations have represented the skeptical movement to the greater interstellar community since 2013.

Melania made the announcement during a hastily put together video conference.  “UFO sightings have skyrocketed since we made this unholy pact with both groups!  Flying Saucer, Cigar and Sphere sightings are rising!  It is obvious that both factions of the skeptical movement are more interested in serving their New World Order masters than in covering up UFOs!”

She then gave both organizations four hours to evacuate their consulates.

Paula X. Kelly, acting Skepchick ambassador at Clow, was shocked.  “I thought Rebecca (Watson) was pulling a prank on us.  We’re not responsible for sightings.  We’re responsible for creating cover stories after the sightings.  So I sent Rebecca a text.  She replied with a video chat.  She told me it was real, then gave me the authorization codes to start Operation Bad Puppy.”

The staff then quickly, but orderly, started removing portable hard drives and shredding all documents.  They then drenched the entire interior of the consulate with cat urine.

“I always wondered why we kept gallons of cat urine on site,” said an anonymous staffer.

Once the building was evacuated, Kelly and Watson then detonated firebombs, incinerating anything left in the building.

“I hated to do that, but we couldn’t risk any sensitive information falling into the hands of the Illuminati and their Neo-Nazi allies.”

Joan Y. McNeil, CFI’s ambassador based at Clow, thought the announcement didn’t apply to CFI.  “Yeah we’re technically part of the New World Order.  We also have diplomatic immunity, and we’re with Richard Dawkins!  I thought we were too important to be evicted.”

Thirty minutes later, CFI president and CEO Robyn E. Blumner called and asked about the evacuation.

“She chewed me out when I laughed at her.  She said it was a real order, and Richard couldn’t stop them.  I didn’t think it was possible.  We agree on so many things with the Illuminati!  Why should we be kicked out over a one percent difference?”

The staff, now panicking, started smashing their computers, and setting bonfires to destroy their papers.

“We never planned for this.  This isn’t a third world country!  This is America.  This is where we bring secular activists whose lives are in danger.  Maybe we’ll need to be rescued next?”

During the initial chaos, McNeil reached around the movement’s “deep rifts” for help.

“The staff of the Orbit were so helpful!  They taught us how to wipe our hard drives so even aliens couldn’t access them.  I also learned a Freethought Blogs writer how to overload our fusion reactor without blowing up the Chicago area.”

The staff of both embassies have relocated to Hub 35 UFO Base, a New World Order affiliated base located in Rochelle, IL.

Many staff members wished for the conflict between the Illuminati and the New World Order to end.

“They don’t have to work together, but they could at least stop trying to destroy each other.  Humanity loses when they fight,” said an anonymous staffer.

Sources close to Mrs. Trump say she will announce the formation of a new Illuminati aligned skeptical organization by mid-April.

Manchester Mumbler: Ghosts continue to riot following Brian Cox’s statement (Fiction)

Brian Cox.

Photo of Brian Cox by Paul Clarke.

Note: The Bolingbrook Babbler sometimes shares stories from its many sister publications around the world.  The following article is from the Manchester Mumbler, located in Manchester, UK.  This article was translated into American English.

Great Britain’s ghosts continued their mass protests and riots days after physicist Brian Cox said the Large Hadron Collider “proved” they don’t exist.

“We’ve never experienced anything like this,” said psychic Paulette Z. Simpson.  “The ghosts are so insulted and so frustrated that all they can do is trash the British netherworld.  Brian has turned the restless dead into the violent dead!”

Cox, on his show the Infinite Monkey Cage, stated that the measurements and discoveries made using the Large Hadron Collider left no room for the existence of ghosts or for an afterlife.

I would say that if there’s some kind of substance that’s driving our bodies, making arms move and legs move, then it must interact with the particles out of which our bodies are made. Since we’ve made high precision measurements of the ways that particles interact, my assertion is there can be no such thing as an energy source that’s driving our bodies.

The violent reaction from ghosts was so great that its effects could be felt in our world.

“I set my cup down on the table and it just fell over,” said Linda, who asked that we not use her last name.  “Some would say I was careless, but I’m not.  Fighting ghosts knocked it over.”

Paul offered more evidence: “My cat kept looking at the wall.  That’s not a big deal, but she kept turning her head!  I think she was watching ghost picketers!  I have all the proof I need!”

Peter Chauncey, the president of the British Association of Expert Mediums, denounced Cox’s statement as “reckless.”

“I have two words for Mr. Cox! Dark. Energy. Ghosts are dark energy.  Every time a being with a soul dies, it becomes dark energy and contributes to the expansion of the universe. It’s so obvious!  How could he miss this obvious conclusion?”

Chauncey urges all British residents to avoid all haunted places until the ghosts settle down.

“Only trained professionals should deal with ghosts at this point.  Fortunately, I can provide that training for a reasonable rate.”

Also in the Manchester Mumbler:

Page Three Sheep returns! Again!
Virgin Group offers to take over the government
Prime Minister May begs aliens for favorable trade agreement
Richard Dawkins to smite God on 2/3/17

Web Exclusive: NASA releases Trappist-1 findings after Interstellar Court rules against Space Pope (Fiction)

Trappist-1 Solar System

An artist conception of the Trappist-1 system released by NASA/JPL.

By Reporter X

The 109,298,291 Circuit Court, based in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, denied the Universal Catholic Church (UCC) motion to suppress’s NASA’s findings about Trappist-1.

According to lawyers representing Space Pope,  Pope Lacoxo MMX, God commanded that only church officials are permitted to look at Trappist-1 and its seven planets.  NASA’s scheduled press conference, they argued, violated their religious freedom.  They demanded the cancellation of the conference and the death of all scientists involved in the research.

Lawyer Gloz explained: “The system Earth called Trappist is the only place in the galaxy where Christ appeared seven times at once!  This miracle is symbolic of the seven levels of Heaven and the seven truths of the universe.  It must only be looked at by those who are blessed.  If NASA releases their findings, it will lead to an increase in abortions, web traffic to Freethought Blogs, unmarried women, and cat ownership!  God will be forced to smite Earth unless this court forces NASA to stop!”

Though the US government prohibited any of its covert lawyers from defending NASA, lawyers from the Popehat Interstellar Collective defended NASA.  They called the UCC a “government-like” organization and said its religious liberty case was “similar to a communist government saying it has the freedom to be repressive.”

Popehat lawyer Poxlog attacked the UCC’s claim that the planets were a holy site.  “Our research revealed that Trappist-1 was really a resort solar system for the Church’s leaders.  While they preached the virtues of ‘ritual only sex’ and the evils of mountain climbing, they were having orgies in their mountain chateaus.  This restriction was set up to prevent their followers from finding out.  In fairness, their last reformation ended these abuses, but the restriction stands.  It no longer serves its original purpose.”

Popehat lawyer Kenbloth said the court could only impose the ban if there was a compelling secular reason to do so.  “There is a three part test, and the plaintiff’s request does not pass it.  NASA is not presenting evidence of advanced civilizations on Trappist-1.  Stating that Trappist-1 has seven planets is not stating that there are civilizations on these worlds.  Speculating about life on these planets is not the same as proving that there is intelligent life in those worlds.  You have to dismiss this case.”

The judge asked Gloz if there was a secular reason to impose the ban.  Gloz said there was.  “It is a fact that God exists.  It is a fact that Jesus is his son.  It is a fact that Pope Lacoxo  MMX is Jesus’ emissary.  Therefore the universe requires you to suppress this unholy press conference!”

After several moments of stunned silence in the courtroom, the judge dismissed the case with extreme prejudice.

When the judge left, Gloz called the Popehat Interstellar Lawyers “godless.”

“Thank you.”  Kenbloth replied.  “We’ve worked hard to build that reputation.”

At a conference with the interstellar media, Gloz said they would not charge NASA for their services.  “We will go anywhere in the Milky Way to answer a Popehat Signal!”, said Gloz.  The group of lawyers then urged the interstellar public to read the Earth blog that inspired them.

Aliens released from Milo Yiannopoulos speech (Fiction)

(CN: Hate speech by a fictional version of Milo Yiannopoulos.)

By Reporter X

Photo of Milo Yiannopoulos

Photo by @Kmeron.

Over a thousand aliens were released after Clow UFO Base officials “required” them to attend a Milo Yiannopoulos speech.

“There’s a galactic treaty that bans torture!”  said Ivos, a resident of Kornix Confederation.  “(Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) just violated it by forcing us to listen to a living random bigotry generator!  I’m filing a complaint with my ambassador!”

Yiannopoulos, a self-proclaimed Gamergate spokesperson and Breitbart editor, was invited by the Illuminati to speak at Clow as part of his “Universal Outrageous (explicative  deleted) UFO Base Tour.”  Promotional materials promised “an evening of politically incorrect lulzs by a man who will confuse your male appendages!”

While Milo’s speeches have attracted large audiences at college campuses, only six aliens had bought tickets the day before the event.  There were no tickets sold the day of the event.  It was at that point that Claar decided to make the event mandatory.

An anonymous source explained: “The contract states that any perceived walkout or boycott of a Milo event constitutes a violation of his free speech rights.  That could result in a loss of funding.  So we had to make sure the auditorium was full.  Otherwise he’d get mad, and we’d lose our Illuminati funding.”

After herding the aliens, Michael Z. Webber, president of the Freedom Humanists Association, delivered the warmup speech.

“I’m not here because we’re the only Illuminati approved humanist organization in the world.  I’m not here because I agree with him.  I disagree with almost everything he believes in.  But!  This is a big but!  When feminists make me feel bad with their privilege lectures, he makes me feel good!  That’s why I absolutely support his absolute freedom to speak.”

Milo then entered the auditorium on a gold plated floating throne, surrounded by bored gay men wearing Speedos.  When Milo landed on the stage, Webber kneeled and handed him a Humanist of the Year medallion. Milo laughed, grabbed the medallion, then motioned for Webber to leave.

Sitting on his throne, Milo announced the title of his talk, “Mars Needs Humans.”  Though the Martian Colonists are universally accepted to be technologically ahead of the human race by 10,000 years, Milo argued that humans are really the more advanced species.

“Political correctness has corrupted the galaxy!  Thanks to the space feminists, you have been fooled into believing that martians are smart.  They’re not smart.  I’m going to say it!  They’re stupid!  Martians are stupid!  Isn’t amazing that I’m saying that!  But I am!  You know I’m correct!”

An alien interrupted.  “Excuse me!  I think you mean the Martian Colonists!  Native Martians never evolved beyond bacteria. The—”

“You interrupted me!  You dared to violate my right to speak freely?  Get him out of here!”

After the alien was removed, Milo’s servants walked among the audience to collect questions.  Instead of reading the questions to Milo, the men shredded them.

“Stop attacking Milo with fake facts!”  One of them yelled.  “You’re violating his free speech with these questions.”

Milo then said he would offer a preview of target of his next campaign: Intersex babies.

“I just want to protect women and children from having to see these (derogatory description deleted)!  So I’m showing you guys these pictures.  Maybe you can abduct their parents, and brainwash them to fix their kids!”

Before Milo could show the images, an alien ripped out her chair and threw it at the screen.  She screamed that he was a bully and picking on babies was a new low, even for him.  Security arrested her.

“Anyone else want to infringe on my free speech?”

Another alien screamed, “Drum circle!”  A drum kit appeared in front him, and he started performing a drum solo.  Other aliens started pounding on the chairs.  After several seconds, an Illuminati operative fired a taser at the alien playing the drum kit.  The alien started to slow down his playing, and swayed as if he was trying to stay awake.  Moments later, the alien pulled out the taser cords, and he started to play faster.  Many in the crowd cheered.  Finally, security broke through the crowd and arrested him.

“Intersex babies matter! Rock hard against bigots!”

Milo shook his head.  “Is anyone else here stupid enough to protest me?”

Almost all of the aliens raised an appendage.

Milo screamed, then pointed towards the doors.  “You’re protesting my right to free speech.  You’re refusing to tolerate my intolerance!  Well, you failed!  I’m still here!  Now get out!  Get out now.  But before you leave, just know that I’m unstoppable!  I got a trans woman to quit college, and I got a book deal!  I threatened to out undocumented students, and I got invited to Bill Maher’s show.  Every time you protest me, I am rewarded by serious men!”  He used his fingers to make a triangle.  “Fnord!”

Ivos was one of the aliens who raised his appendages.  “It was the only way we could escape.  Most of us couldn’t take any more of his gish gallop.”

Claar couldn’t be reached for comment.

Webmaster’s Note: After this article went to press, Milo lost his book deal and keynote speech at CPAC due to unearthed comments he made about Pedophilia. 

Also in the Babbler:

Soviets give Chicago a break from winter
Werecats canvas for Jackie Traynere
Crimes committed by ghosts on the rise in Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/24/17

Misc: Way to go Siobhan (Mixed)

Siobhan, a fellow FtB blogger at Against the Grain, just had an article featured at  The Establishment.

When the results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey (NTDS) were released, I naively hoped these statistics would offer a chance for those who didn’t know them to get a big-picture view of some of our crises, amd that the NTDS would enter the conversation on public policy.

After all, legislators are passing policy for everyone, so they’d want the full picture, right?

Apparently not. The necessity of a human rights bill like C-16 ought to be self-evident given the outcomes of the trans community, simply because of the appalling frequency and degree of discrimination that trans Canadians continue to face — but you do need to be aware of that fact first for it to be obvious. The law has been passed in Parliament but awaits further voting in the Senate, and during these debates, the data is seldom, if ever, mentioned.

Check it out!

Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook resident starts “Iowa City Exit Movement” (Fiction)

John Z. Brockmeyer, a former University of Iowa student, is starting an Iowa City secession from his Bolingbrook home.

“I’m calling it “ICexit” said Brockmeyer.  “I’m modeling it after Calexit, and it will rock the world, just like Brexit did!”

Brockmeyer hopes to put the issue on the 2018 Iowa City ballot.  If successful, Iowa City officials would have to negotiate peaceful secession from the United States and Iowa.

A lifelong conservative, Brockmeyer say he wants to make liberals happy.  “No one should be forced to live under President Trump.  Some people just can’t handle greatness. So instead of waiting to emigrate to Canada, now all the Iowa liberals can be concentrated in a small safe space.  We’ll be able to do whatever we want.”

Though he hasn’t lived in Iowa City since 1996, he feels he still understands Iowa City.  “They’re people who smoke weed, (homophobic comment deleted), and think the democratic party is too conservative.  I’m sure it hasn’t changed.  Hell, I’ll bet the fountain is still standing in Pedestrian Mall, and normal people like me can still get a copy of the Campus Review.  I’ll also bet liberals still pickup copies of The Icon.”

So far, Brockmeyer only started designing a web page for his “movement” and has one volunteer in Iowa City.  The volunteer is not a student and Brockmeyer has never met him in person.  Still, he is optimistic.  “I have a lot of money, and a lot of free time.  That’s all you need for a successful exit movement.”

He sees ICexit as part of greater movement.  “I want to help Trump make American great again.  Right now the United Left is making that difficult.  If we can just hold on long enough, they’ll get frustrated and want to leave.  Then they’ll join the various secessions, like Calexit.  Once they leave, Congress will lose liberal votes, and then real Americans will make the laws, unopposed!”

Kay, a teaching assistant at UI, says there’s a very obvious flaw with ICexit.  “Iowa City is great because of the University of Iowa!  If Iowa City becomes its own country, we’ll lose the university and our state funding.  Yeah it sucks that some in the state government wants to limit home rule, but leaving the US is not the answer!”

Jill, a UI freshman from Schaumburg, agreed.  “I can barely afford to go here right now.  If I have to pay international student tuition, I’ll be screwed.  I’d go to an Illinois college, but state funding of universities is a mess, and the required test scores for University of Illinois are too high.”

While some have accused Russia of being behind the secession movements in the US, Brockmeyer will not confirm or deny their involvement.

“Let’s just say I now have the best vodka collection in Bolingbrook.”

Red Deer Reporter: PM Justin Trudeau survives Trump handshake by using an exoskeleton (Fiction)

Note:  The Bolingbrook Babbler shares content from our sister publications around the world.  This article comes from the Red Deer Reporter, based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Anonymous Sources say Prime Minister Justin Trudeau used an exoskeleton to resist President Donald Trump’s grab and pull handshake.

“His cabinet was worried when we saw what Trump did to the Japanese Prime Minister,”  said one source.  “We suspect that Trump used some kind of enhancement.”  He then made a cough that sounded like he was saying: “steroids and speed.”  He continued: “We figured that if Trump wants to use an enhanced handshake, so can the Prime Minister.”

The sources agree that Trudeau used a top secret military exoskeleton during his visit to the White House. The suit, according to the sources, is currently used by warehouse workers in Canada’s restricted bases.  Said a source named Bob: “If this powered suit can lift 100 Kg, it can resit Donald Trump’s aggressive handshake.”

Staff members were allegedly impressed with the exoskeleton’s performance during the visit.  They also praised how Trudeau managed the suit’s battery.  “If you paid attention during the second handshake, Trudeau’s apparent hesitation was actually him turning on the suit.  He didn’t waste his power like a certain world leader is doing.”

An anonymous source at the White House denied that that Trump uses an enhanced handshake.  “You are not reporting the true story!  You need to get back to Canada and tell your readers the truth! The truth is the Canadian government is overrun with Reptillians and everyone who voted for your leader is probably an alien.  Stop attacking our President and start asking how our great President can save Canada!”

A spokesperson for Trudeau denied that he used an enhanced handshake.  “Justin is the strongest and fittest world leader alive!  He knows how to box!  President Obama could have put up a fight, but Trump!  Ha!  He’d kick his ass just as badly as we kicked your asses in the War of 1812!”

A man who sounded like Trudeau then took the phone.  “My apologies for his unusual rashness.  I just want to assure my fellow citizens that not only will we welcome refugees, we will also welcome expat Canadians back as well.  Even if you think you were a lousy Canuck.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:
First US refugees arrive in Red Deer
Local Burger King to test burger with Tim Horton’s doughnut bun
Mayor urge all werecats to stay indoors this winter
God to spare Red Deer on 14/2/17

Web Exclusive: Clow UFO Base locked down after invisible alien protest (Fiction)

End the Roger Claar Dictatorship

Photo of an alien protest sign?

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar ordered a lockdown of Clow UFO Base after invisible aliens picketed in front of his re-election campaign office.

Claar made the announcement over the intercom: “All off-base passes are revoked for visitors.  All abductions are suspended.  No one gets a lawyer.  You are guilty until I say you are innocent! This is not a democracy!  This is my UFO base, and you do not protest me.  Ever!  You must follow my dictates for I am the mayor of Bolingbrook and a very important member of the Illuminati.  Ford!”

The protest started when Claar announced that all human disguises must be bought from the Melania Trump store, and be decorated with Ivanka Trump clothing.  Some aliens tried to attend a protest organized by Vote Roger Out in 2017, but they did not see any human protesters.

Okblogok decided to take matters into its’ own appendages.  “If you want a protest done right, you have to organize it yourself.”  “It” discovered that Clow had no rule against invisible nude aliens leaving the base, as long as they had a pass.  Okblogok claims to have gathered 100 aliens at one of the exits.  “It” then lead a two hour march to the campaign headquarters of Claar’s political party, Bolingbrook First.  Along the way, the aliens sang protest songs, and said chants, like “Breathe Fresh Air!  Don’t vote Claar!”

“I used to laugh at human protesters whenever they made noises.” said Okblogok.  “Now I understand why.  It gives the participants something to do, and makes them feel like part of a larger group.”

Though no humans claim to have seen the march, Ron, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have felt them.

“I was walking down the sidewalk when I bumped into something.  After I paused, something else bumped into me.  That kept happening.  So I sat down on the grass since I thought I was having an acid flashback.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up from a nap, and the Bolingbrook Police were about to arrest me.”

Once the aliens arrived, they used an ultrahigh frequency bullhorn to call out expenditures from Claar’s campaign fund.  Most humans could not hear the aliens, but Okblogok was certain Claar and his covert employees could hear them.

“$159.88 for lunch in California?”  one protestor asked.  “You do realize that California residents can’t vote for you, right?”

Another chimed in:  “You have over $500,000 in your campaign fund.  Why aren’t you paying all of your campaign staffers?  I’ll bet Bolingbrook United has more paid staff members than you!”

Bob Langley, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base, said that the ban will be lifted, “Once we know exactly what’s going on.”  He added, “This protest was unhygienic, and if any of the invisibility cloaks had failed…. Well, it could have lead to a very embarrassing situation.”

When this reporter tried to call Claar, his receptionist said he was taking a very important phone call, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Democrats in Cook County are hosting a fundraiser for my opponent.  Can you persuade Donald Trump to help me out? Yes, Bolingbrook does have an Islamic cultural center.  We even celebrate Pakistan Day.  Um, Are you OK, Steve?  It’s just that I’ve never heard anyone do a diabolical laugh in real life.”