Some Cavalcade of Planes visitors got a surprise UFO ride (Fiction)

By Reporter X

About 40 visitors to the Cavalcade of Planes at Clow Airport got a surprise ride aboard a UFO.

“I was just waiting in line when I noticed that my family started floating,” said Tim, who asked that we not use his last name.  “The odd part is that no one else seemed to notice.”

According to all guests interviewed, visitors were taken to an observation deck and greeted by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar told them that they were randomly selected to receive a free UFO ride.  He also told them their tickets to the Cavalcade would be refunded, and they could go on the other rides for free.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, was pleased with the announcement:  “I thought we were going to be probed, but instead, we met a very kind mayor.  I’m sorry I ever doubted the Babbler.  Your village is awesome!”

The guests say their UFO ride started with an aerial tour of Bolingbrook, followed by a quick trip to Chicago, where they flew circles around Willis Tower.

Tim said: “The alien’s cloaking technology is amazing.  We got so close that we could look inside the windows.  The offices were closed, so it was OK!  We weren’t spying.”

The craft then flew to the Moon and gave the visitor a few of its far side.

“I used to call it the dark side of the Moon,” said Beth. “But now I know it isn’t always dark.  It looks so different from this angle.  I didn’t know there were alien bases and mother ships back there!”

The craft descended towards the Moon and hovered a few inches over the surface.  The crew then collected samples of moon dust and gave each guest a small bag.

Tim stated: “Roger said the moon dust was also free.  It was such a generous gift!  I’m going to put it on my bookshelf!”

The craft next returned to Clow, parked in a secret hanger.  As they left, the guests met the crew.

“They appeared kind of gross,” said Beth.  “But they were smart and generous.  So I can’t complain.”

The guests walked by tables with souvenirs. There were also credit card machines that allowed the guests to make a donation to Claar’s campaign fund.

“I’m sure this cost him a fortune,” said Tim.   “I figured I should at least give him my life’s savings.  Who needs a house when you’ve seen the far side of the moon?”

Charles, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, denied that the rides were a fundraising event for Claar:

“Roger put a lot of work into organizing this.  Yes, the craft was free, but Roger loves Bolingbrook, and the best way to love Roger back is to donate to his campaign fund.”

When reached for comment, a person at Claar’s home said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar cleared his throat:

“You know I put a lot of work into welcoming your business to Bolingbrook, and I do have to fight off a political party that wouldn’t work as hard for you?  Why yes, I do have a campaign fund.  What?  You’d rather donate to a Bolingbrook Super PAC?  Well you know I can’t coordinate with a Super PAC so—  You’re fine with that?  What if I need to buy gas for my car?  Use my salary?”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens offer moment of silence for victims of London attacks
Bolingbrook warns residents about bored teenager syndrome
Phantom Press attacks Freethought Blogs
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/7/17

Web Exclusive: Alien drops coal plant in front of Bolingbrook Village Hall (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook authorities are looking for an alien who dropped a miniature coal plant in front of Village Hall.  A note, left by the alien, said it was in protest of President Donald Trump withdrawing the US from the Paris Climate Agreement:

“Mayor Roger Claar must have a CO2 fetish because he worked so hard to get Donald Trump elected.  If Roger desires CO2 so much that he is willing to destabilize Earth’s climate and threaten human civilization, then may he please accept my gift.”

The alien dropped the six-foot tall coal plant around midnight, then fled in a cloaked UFO.  The plant automatically started burning coal.  The Men in Blue successfully shut down the plant before it could alter Bolingbrook’s carbon footprint.

“Bolingbrook is building a reputation as Naperville south,”  said an official who asked to remain anonymous.  “Coal Plants would harm that reputation, which why we had to shut down the plant.”

Other sources confirm that the plant was moved away from Village Hall before residents could notice it.  They also confirmed that Illuminati clerics are examining the plant to determine its origin.

Claar could not be reached for comment.

Two aliens charged with impersonating Shopkins (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs charged two Proxima Centauri aliens, impersonating Shopkins, with endangering human minors.

“This is unacceptable!”  Said Jill Z. Parker, spokesperson for the department.  “Bolingbrook has strict rules regulating our visitors’ interactions with children.  We also have the toughest rules for examining children.  So let me assure you, we will punish those aliens, regardless of what the Interstellar court rules!”

Shopkins are collectible toys that are very popular among young children and adults obsessed with collecting toys.  Characters are based on grocery or retail items.  The Retail Tracking Service named Shopkins the best selling toy of 2015.  In addition to the figures, they also have a web series, a movie, and trading cards.

Though Shopkins figures are only 1 inch tall, eyewitnesses said the aliens were about 6’ 5” tall and wore furry Shopkins costumes.

“Those costumes were a kid magnet!”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “No little kid can resist a person in a furry outfit!  Those aliens are evil!’

A Bolingbrook officer, who asked not to be named, said he saw one of the aliens:

“I was on patrol when one of the neighborhood kids waved me down.  She said, ‘I saw Kooky Cookie in my best friend’s backyard.  I don’t think that’s right.’  I had no idea who Kooky Cookie was, but I had to check it out.  I followed the kid, and then a caught a glimpse of a giant cookie.  I wasn’t sure if it was a pervert in a suit or an alien.  So I called the department, and tailed it until they met up with me.”

Jen, who asked that we not use her last name, said she walked into her backyard and saw her son playing with the two aliens:

“One looked like a giant cookie.  The other looked like a giant blue cake.  They looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize them at the time.  Anyway, I told my son not to play with strangers.  He said, ‘They’re not strangers.  They’re Shopkins!’  Good thing the Men in Blue arrived when they did.  Otherwise, I don’t know how I was going to fight them off.”

Koxmodox, the lawyer for the aliens, insisted his clients were innocent.  “This is all a big misunderstanding.  They didn’t want to kidnap anyone.  They just wanted to make the children of Bolingbrook happy.  Wouldn’t you do that for a species you know has no future?  (Mayor Roger Claar) should give each of them a medal, and drop all the charges.”

Charline Z. Spencer, a public relations for the Village of Bolingbrook, said Claar could not be bothered.

“You must be Reporter X.  I can tell by your distorted voice.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke:  “Absolutely not.  I swore that Bolingbrook would never become a sanctuary village.  No exceptions!  Go hide from your constituents somewhere else, Roskam!”

Bolingbrook Time War remembered in village ceremony (Fiction)

Bolingbrook officials held a Memorial Day ceremony to remember the participants in the Bolingbrook Time War. The war started on April 6, 1984, when invaders from the year 3000 AD launched a surprise attack against Bolingbrook.

“For two days, outsiders tried to destroy our village,” said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “Maybe they were future inhabitants of Cook County: we may never know.  But we do know, that when Bolingbrook united around a single leader and did exactly what that leader said without question, Bolingbrook prevailed against a technologically superior foe!”

The Bolingbrook Time War lasted for two days.  The time-traveling army was not aware of the existence of Clow UFO base, and its advanced defenses.  This advantage allowed the Village to put up some resistance against the invaders.  Over the course of the war, it is believed that 90% of Bolingbrook’s residents were killed, along with 50% of Naperville’s residents, and 40% of Romeoville’s residents.

The war ended when a squad of Men in Blue snuck into the invaders’ base camp.  They used their time machine to travel forward in time to just before the prototype of the invaders’ time machine was activated.  The squad set off an atomic bomb, destroying their time machine, and the knowledge of how to travel backward in time.  Bolingbrook then reverted to its pre-war state.

Though technically no one died, each Memorial Day, village officials hold a secret ceremony in which they lay a wreath in honor of the victims “that once were” and remember a war that most residents have forgotten.

During this year’s ceremony, Claar, without attribution, stated that the invaders wanted to prevent the rise of a “future great leader” who would come from Bolingbrook:

“I don’t know who that great leader will be, but this war shows the importance respecting all great leaders in Bolingbrook.”

Traditionally, the other trustees deliver speeches.  Claar said that the members of the Bolingbrook First party would remain silent in memory of recently defeated Trustee Sheldon Watts.  All Bolingbrook First party members wore black during the ceremony.

Claar then looked at Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and said, “Jaruzelski!”

Jaskiewicz came to the podium. He said that the lesson to be learned from the Bolingbrook Time War is not to follow leaders blindly:

“From what former Mayor Ed Rosenthal has told me, I see the lesson of the Bolingbrook time war like this:  Even though the air was filled with death rays and drones, there were still different viewpoints on what to do.  Ed took the time to listen to those voices, including the voice of a trustee who wouldn’t stop talking about the wallpaper in the mayor’s bathroom.   Once Ed listened to those voices, he made the best choice and saved Bolingbrook.  Today, there are many voices in Bolingbrook, and we shouldn’t be afraid to listen to them.”

After the ceremony, the trustees walked towards the subway train going to Village Hall.  Claar stopped Jaskiewicz.

“Stankiewicz.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.  We’re going to watch the Memorial Day Carnival from the observation deck.  We’re going to have catered food, quality beverages, a virtual rollercoaster, and decent live bands.  Guess who isn’t invited?”

Also in the Babbler:

President Trump asks Claar for advice on ghosts
Sam Harris reveals plans to take over the world
The Babbler remembers those who died so we can have the freedom to write about Bolingbrook
God to spare Bolingbrook this week 

Video: Swearing in a new era in Bolingbrook (Out of Character)

After decades, the Bolingbrook Village Board now has a trustee who is not a member of Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of Bolingbrook United, was sworn last night, along with Claar and two other Bolingbrook First trustees.  A new era of bipartisan government has begun in Bolingbrook, and Bolingbrook First’s members didn’t seem to be pleased. As you can see from the video.

Bolingbrook First holds five out of six trustee seats, as well as mayor.  To me, this doesn’t mean a change in policies.  There will probably be some no votes, which used to be rare, and some debates during board meetings, which used to be unheard of.

Still, this is historic in the political history of Bolingbrook.

Sorry for the shaking video.  I would have bought a phone mount if I had realized the speeches would last as long as they did.

Bolingbrook man debunks skepticism (Fiction)

Vince Q. Baker, who recently moved to Bolingbrook, says he debunked skepticism by having a fake article posted in a skeptical Facebook group.

“Thanks to my hoax, everyone is now free to research Bigfoot, UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, and mermaids without fear of bullying from skeptics!”

Baker, who reads about the paranormal every day on the Internet, was sick of seeing skeptics “trolling” his favorite sites.  Since he believes that skeptics are just people who blindly follow men like James Randi and Richard Dawkins, he decided to debunk skepticism. He attempted to have a fake article published in a prominent skeptical magazine or blog.

He titled his 2000 word article, “Debunking UFOS and Bigfoot: Why smart people aren’t as skeptical as you.”   Baker filled the article with references to Randi, Dawkins, Sam Harris, Christopher Hitchens, and Michael Shermer. He also added, “skeptical words, and technical words,” to make the reader feel important.

Baker provided a copy of the article to the Babbler. It starts with this lead:

“People who are smart like PZ Myers, can suffer from cognitive dissonance, as is suspected of every member of Atheism+, and thus cannot achieve the deeper understanding, as demonstrated by Richard Dawkins, that can lead to the acceptance of realistic views of race, IQ scores, evolutionary psychology, and gender equality, as well the rejection of UFOs, El Chupacabra, homeopathy, and any so-called “wave” of feminism.”

Baker claims that he submitted the article to the Skeptical Inquirer, one of the major magazines of the skeptical movement.  He later received an unsigned rejection letter, with a handwritten note, stating that he should ask the Bolingbrook Skeptics if he could post it in their closed Facebook group.  The letter concluded by saying that SI had already selected their stories for the next five years, and wished Baker good luck with his future endeavors.

According to Baker, he then created a fake profile and submitted a join request to the Bolingbrook Skeptics’ Facebook group.  Once accepted, he posted his article and waited.

“There were a few likes and some comments about being confused by the writing.  Still, the story wasn’t pulled.  That means I debunked skepticism, and that we’re now ok to ponder free energy machines, and Hollow Earth Theory!  I am now the most important resident in the history of Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, the Bolingbrook Skeptics sent this message:  “As skeptics, we must admit our mistakes to each other, but we are not required to confess them to you.  May you purveyors of woo be strangled by his noodly appendages!  Argh!”

Beth, a spokesperson for the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, SI’s publisher, denied receiving the article or rejecting it.

“Even if we had published it, so what?  It just would have meant that we made a mistake.  Just like when a nuclear physics conference accepted a paper that was written by only using autocomplete.  It didn’t debunk physics.  It just ruined the reputation of the conference.”

A man in the background spoke up:  “Hi Beth.  Once you’re done with that call, I need you to work on a press release.”

“Okay.”

“You know about the phony paper Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay were shopping around?”

“Yeah.  It was rejected by NORMA, which proved that there is at least one gender studies journal with standards.”

“Well, they got it published in Cogent Social Sciences, meaning that we just debunked the entire field of gender studies!”

“What?  That’s not right.”

“Well,  Richard Dawkins thinks it’s right, and that’s all that matters.  So I need the press release out ASAP.”

“But–”

“You know what employment prospects are like for people who leave openly atheistic organizations?  Oh, and the American Humanist Association isn’t hiring.”

After several seconds, Beth began to cry.

“There is a secular hell, and I’m in it!”

Also in the Babbler

Mayor Claar performs his first Illuminati Glowing Orb Ceremony
Lisle’s trees warn incoming trustees of the cost of failure
Aliens arrested for shoplifting at Bolingbrook Macy’s
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/17

Web Exclusive: Did Trump compromise the Bolingbrook Golf Club? (Fiction)

Sources with friends who may work at the White House say President Donald Trump may have revealed the Bolingbrook Golf Club’ “self-destruct code” to the Russians.

File photo of Donald Trump at Clow International Airport.

During a meeting with a Russian delegation, Trump bragged about his memory.  The sources say he remembered meeting with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar at the Golf Club.  Trump said he saw Claar enter a code on a keypad built into his desk.  A hidden safe opened up.  Inside were bottles of Trump Vodka, and bottles of Trump Ice.  Smiling at his guests, Trump then recited what he thought was the code.

According to sources, Trump misremembered the code, and accidentally gave the Russian the “self-destruct code” for the Golf Club.  Some of the sources saw a member of the Tass News Agency write down the code.

“Roger almost lost an election because he supported Trump,” said one of the sources.  “This is how Trump thanked him?”

Lenny, a village employee who asked that we not use his last name, confirmed the existence of the self-destruct device. According to Lenny, it was originally intended to prevent the club from falling into hands of a “hostile governmental unit or opposition party.”  The device, when activated, will release a noxious, but harmless, chemical into the clubhouse, rendering it unfit for occupation.  It will also disperse radioactive pellets across the golf course, turning it into a radiation hazard.

“I told Roger it was a bad idea,” said Lenny.  “The device could malfunction, or be used by his enemies.  But he insisted on having it because he was afraid the Cook County Democrats would try to steal the club from him.  I couldn’t persuade him that he was wrong, and now here we are.”

Another source within Village Hall, who asked to be called Chris, claims she received a written note intended from Claar while manning the front desk:  “He had a real thick accent and said Roger would ‘understand the message’.”

After delivering the message to Claar, Claar told Chris to call Vladimir Putin for him.  When she said she didn’t have his number, he replied:  “Google it!  That’s why we spend so much money on an Internet connection.  You didn’t think it was so you could read the Babbler while pretending to work?”

According to Lenny, everything worked out.  Putin promised not to destroy the Golf Club.  Golf Cub staff disarmed the device and expected to have it removed before Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz is sworn in.

“If he ever finds out about this, we’ll never hear him stop complaining.”

Public relations intern Charline Z. Spencer did not completely deny the existence of the device:  “There is no nuclear bomb inside the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and there are no napalm canisters under each golf hole.  The story, as you described it, is not accurate.  These statements are fun to say!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Of course I’m with you until the bloody end.  Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.  Still, you might want to meet some civics teachers I—Don’t you ever talk to me like that!  You may be the President of the United States, but I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

From the Webmaster: Around FTB 5/17/16

By Wendy Onofrey 

The staff is busy working on a new web exclusive article, but it’s taking a bit longer than planned.  It should be up tonight or tomorrow.

In the meantime, here are some posts you can check out from our fellow bloggers:

Apparently, Berkeley has a frozen peach problem, which Iris writes about here.

First, there are debates that we do not need to have, anywhere, ever (again)—especially not on college campuses—because they are not legitimate subjects of debate. I’m not just talking about debating whether the Earth is flat, although that kind of wankery should never be given an academic platform, either. I’m talking about debating whether queer people deserve the death penalty because Jeezus. Or whether Native Americans, black people and Jews reeeeeeally deserve the same human rights as Caucasian Christians of European ancestry.

I’m still not sure about her beliefs about squirrels, but that’s for another post.

Freethinking Ahead tells us if you can or can’t recycle campaign signs.  The answer might please some supporters of Mayor Roger Claar.

Finally, Against the Grain writes about transmisogyny and asks this question:

And Murphy is just fine with that. More than that, she defends this belief in the name of feminism. Are we really empowered if we’ve internalized a belief that women are delicate and defenseless? It sounds like the sort of chauvinistic nonsense I’d expect out of r/theredpill.

That’s it for now.  Hopefully, I’ll be uploading a new story tonight from our staff.

Manchester Mumbler: UK sells its UFO bases to the Virgin Group Ltd. (Fiction)

Note:  From time to time, the Babbler features articles from our sister publications around the world.  This article comes from the Manchester Mumbler, which serves the Greater Manchester, UK area.  We have translated this article into American English.

By Reporter Zed

Speaking at Peak District UFO Base, Prime Minister Theresa May announced the sale of all United Kingdom UFO bases to the Virgin Group Ltd.:

“Her Majesty’s Government cannot afford to both exit the European Union and maintain UFO Bases.  So when the Virgin Group offered to buy our ownership stake in the bases, we had to accept.  We are sure they will do for interstellar travel what they have done for rail travel in the United Kingdom.”

Virgin Group founder Richard Branson, wearing a bow tie, sports jacket, and jeans, signed the contract formally transferring the bases.

“I decided to dress up for this occasion,” said Branson with a smile.  “This is a great reward after waking up from a nap.”

Branson stated it was a great honor to represent the United Kingdom to the Interstellar Commonwealth:  “Was it ever a good idea to have politicians speak for us?  No offense, Prime Minister, it wasn’t.  However, the distinguished representatives gathered here are more than welcome to permanently abduct Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn.”

The UFO bases will be now be managed by Virgin Galactic.

Branson said: “It will finally live up to its name.”

When asked what his plans were for the newly acquired bases, Branson said Virgin has many plans:

“I’ve toured the bases and they are so drab and dark.  This is no way to greet beings who have traveled thousands of light years to visit us – So we’re going to change the color scheme.  All of our bases will be fun, welcoming places of business!  I want our visitors to feel like they’ve walked into one of the best Virgin Megastores in the Milky Way.”

Branson also promised to change how alien abductions are regulated:

“Right now, your probing missions terrify our citizens.  People shouldn’t have nightmares about the experience  From now on, every probe ship will be required to provide all their abductees with a Virgin Media center.  While you’re doing your business, your guests can watch Virgin TV, play Virgin Games, listen to Music by Virgin Records artists, and receive coupons for any of our subsidiaries’ products or services.”

Though the New World Order will be primarily responsible for keeping all the UFO Bases a secret from the public, Virgin Galactic will assist them with a “new kind of enforcer”:

“We’re going to call it Your Buddies in Red.  There will be male and female buddies.  I like the New World Order, but they haven’t moved beyond crude intimidation tactics.  The Buddies will be your best friend.  You wouldn’t reveal your best friend’s secrets because they know all your secrets.  See how it works?  If you ask nicely, they might even help you move, but that’s a service we haven’t announced yet.”

When repeatedly asked by the interstellar media, he denied that the Virgin Group would ever ally with the Illuminati:

“That’s as unenlightened a thing to do as leaving the European Union.  No offense, Prime Minister – Their promotion of Donald Trump proves their only agenda is global chaos.  That doesn’t fit well with our vision for the world.”

Neither Branson nor May would disclose how much the Virgin Group bought the bases for, or if they would pay taxes on them.

Branson hoped the money would go towards the National Health Service.

May laughed:  “Why would we spend it on sick people when we can conquer Spain instead?”

Also in the Mumbler:

Aliens arrested following global cyberattack
Government denies plan to exile remaining citizens
Richard Dawkins writes ‘Dear Muslima’ letter to Prime Minister May
God to smite Greater Manchester on 15/5/17

Web Exclusive: Flat Earth believers reapply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U (Fiction)

The Flat Out Truth Educational corporation, a company that promotes “reexamination of Flat Earth Theory,” announced that it would reapply for a charter school in the Valley View 365U School District.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

Company president Marc I. Hill stated he was very hopeful that the application would be accepted this time: “In 2014, we were ahead of our time.  Now the world has changed.  Rappers can rap about our Flat Earth and still have a career.  An NBA player can criticize globalist thinking and still have a career.  Flat Earth memes populate the Internet.  More importantly, Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.  Valley View won’t have a choice but to accept our charter school.  Just look at what she did for Detroit!”

According to Hill, the charter school will teach students from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade.  All textbooks will be published by Flat Out Truth, and all lessons will encourage “skepticism of popular globalist views.”  Science textbooks will present the “theory” of how the Earth is an infinite plain of ice.  Humans live in a “warm oasis surrounded by walls of ice.”  History textbooks will present “theories” about how globe manufacturers persuaded governments to cover up flat earth theory, and news stations prevented people from getting too close to the ice walls.

“Have you ever wondered why there’s a military base at the so-called South Pole?”

Hill says that the school will also promote the religious faith of its students:

Revelations 7.1 says the Earth has four corners.  Qur’an 20:53 says the Earth is spread out like a carpet.  Science says otherwise.  Who should our students trust?  God or Richard Dawkins?”

No school board members would comment for this article, but president Steve Quigley did laugh before hanging up.

A science teacher, who asked not to be identified, said there was no reason to teach Flat Earth Theory in the Valley View curriculum:

“The ancient greeks knew the Earth was a globe.  They could tell because they could see new constellations when they traveled further south.  They also noticed during lunar eclipses that the shadow of the Earth is round.  Eratosthenes accurately determined the circumference of the Earth in 240 BC.  We have photos that show the Earth is a globe.  The horizon itself is a product of the curvature of the Earth.  Anyone can see the curvature of the Earth if they fly in a high-altitude aircraft.  So who are you going to trust?  Scientists and the patriotic pilots in the air force, or neo-Nazi Tila Tequila?”

Hill says he not worried about possible resistance from “globalist union teachers”:

“All I have to do is give a large donation to Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar, and we’ll be up and running in no time!”

When called for comment, a receptionist said Claar was discussing business with intern Charline Spencer, and could not be disturbed.  She added:  “Roger believes—no, knows– that the Earth is a globe.  He also doesn’t control the board of education.  End of discussion.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Okay, Charline, tell me your idea for the podcast ad.”

Spencer replied:  “Come to the Taste of Bolingbrook on June 17 and 18 at the Promenade Bolingbrook.  All of the great food you expect with none of the Cook County Democrats!”

“Not bad.”