From the Archives 2009: Village of Bolingbrook rejects Google Government (Fiction)

From the webmaster: while our staff gets ready to enjoy Passover/Easter weekend, I thought I would share this article from November of 2009.  The village may have won an award for transparency in 2015, but we missed the opportunity to redefine open government.

The village of Bolingbrook has decided not to participate in Google’s top secret test of Google Government.

A screenshot of Bolingbrook’s version of Google Government. It was tested in 2009 but never purchased.

“We are happy with Munis.” Said an anonymous source who wants to be a spokesperson for the village. “While this alpha test is free, we feel that we get more value when we actually pay for something.”

Although Google denies its existence, an Internet site claims that Google is working on applications that could change how democratic governments are run and could eliminate the need for politicians.

Sources who attended Google’s presentation with Mayor Roger Claar deny that it would eliminate politicians, but said it would be the ultimate in government transparency.

Google representative Peter Z. Alberts started the presentation by saying that Google Government takes full advantage of cloud computing.

“Wouldn’t it be expensive to keep village hall under constant cloud cover?” Asked Claar.

Alberts explained that cloud computing really means that the programs and files would be on offsite servers instead of on individual computers. This would save the village money because instead of buying a license for each computer, the village can buy cheap netbooks and employees could do all of their work using web browsers.

“How do we know the data will be safe?”

“We’re Google!” Replied Alberts. “Our corporate philosophy prohibits us from doing evil.”

“How secure will it be?”

“We’re Google!”

Claar explained that he was still “an AOL man” and didn’t understand all “this cloud stuff.” He asked why all the information needed to be online.

Alberts replied that Google Government is committed to open government. By putting all documents online, the public can easily access any document. This would save the village thousands in FOIA fees because any document would be available at the click of a button.

Claar’s eyes widened. “What about Bonnie and her fishing expeditions?”

“With Google Government, all documents are available. If she claims she can’t find a document, the residents will think she’s either computer illiterate or has mental software issues.”

Alberts added that putting government information online makes it easier for residents to help out the village. “Crowdsourcing” could save tax dollars that otherwise would have gone to outside consultants.

“What are some examples of crowdsourcing?”

“Wikipedia!” Proudly exclaimed Alberts.

The sources say Claar glared at Alberts.

“OK, bad example.” Replied Alberts. “SETI@home.”

“How many aliens have they found?”

“Good point. How about Galaxy Zoo? They can classify galaxies faster than computers.”

“If you say so.” Replied Claar.

Alberts continued by saying that Google Government was more than a word processing and data storage application. He said it could replace the trustees. Google would provide free wifi to every village resident. By monitoring the residents’ internet traffic, as well as scanning their Google documents for certain keywords, Google Government can create six virtual trustees that can accurately reflect the residents’ moods and opinions.

When Claar asked what his role would be in this new government, Alberts explained that Claar would be the “Mayor Sysop.” He would vote in case of a tie, report any glitches to Google, and veto any AI ordinances “with obvious bugs.”

Alberts defended virtual trustees because the village wouldn’t have to pay them, elections would be unnecessary because they’re constantly sampling public opinion, and they couldn’t be swayed by “outside influences.”

When Claar asked how his campaign fund fits in this new structure, Alberts smiled.

“Of course you would still have to run for reelection, but I think of your campaign fund as bloatware,” Albert replied as Claar started to turn red. “A campaign fund should only be used for getting reelected. You seem to use your fund for other things, like cars, overseas trips, and scholarships. I think you should divide your campaign funds into separate funds. One for travel, one for reelection, one for scholarships, and one for your personal discretion. We can use Blogger to set up a blog for each fund, set you up with Google Checkout, and then you can watch each of those funds grow. Because the residents of Bolingbrook can choose how to donate to you, I’ll bet that you will raise even more money for your charities because people who don’t support your reelection will be more likely to donate to the other funds.”

Sources say that Claar stood up and told Alberts that he was rejecting Google Government.

“I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with my personal fund!” Yelled Claar. “My campaign fund gives me the flexibility to deal with high-end executives! Because as much as I love Nancy’s Pizza, not all of them like pizza. They want expensive meals that you can only get in Chicago. Thanks to Illinois’ campaign laws, they can’t offer to pay for any of my meals or rounds of golf. If I had to pay for things with my six-figure salary, I would have to file for bankruptcy! How would that make Bolingbrook look?”

Alberts, according to the sources, apologized for offending Claar, then said he would pitch Google Government to Lisle’s Mayor Broda instead.

“I e-mailed my initial presentation to Trustee Brondyke.” Said Alberts. “She said that if I set foot in Lisle Village Hall, she would help me demonstrate medieval stretching techniques. That should be very educational.”

When asked to comment, Claar denied speaking to any representatives from Google. “Google is great for searching the Internet, but I don’t–Hey! Get off of my patio!”

This reporter then heard the sound of breaking glass.

“Google’s maps have guided me here, and its street view has given me the vision to find you and lead you to the Church of Google!”

“Church of Google?”

“Yes  Join us as because you don’t need faith to believe that Google is the only omniscient being on Earth!”

“Really?  Does Google know what I’m thinking right now?”

“Let me Google that!”

This reporter then heard a scuffle, followed by the man screaming in pain. Two other men read the man his rights. The man replied that his First Amendment rights were being violated because he won’t be able to access the Village’s wifi network in his cell.

Second later, Claar picked up the phone and replied, “My village has too many idiots!”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Sources: Village of Bolingbrook to invest in earth orbiting ads (Fiction)

In 2021, could Bolingbrook residents look up at the night sky and see an ad for a village event?  Some anonymous sources say the village will invest in orbiting “community service” promotions. 

According to the sources, the village will buy advertisements from SmartRocket. They will look like star constellations, but will actually be a synchronized group of CubeSats.  The initial ads will only have text.  There is, however, talk of adding images and video to future ads.

One of the sources explained:  “Nobody reads the fake press, I mean the local press.  It harms local community groups.  So it’s the village’s responsibility to promote groups whose members create harmony instead of chaos every election year.”

The sources did not specify how much the village would budget for orbiting ads, but SmartRocket confirmed that they sell eight hours of ads for $20,000.

Another source defended the ad buy:  “Bolingbrook is an exceptional village, and our promotion needs to be exceptional.  We might incur some more debt, but it will be good debt!  That’s why the residents elected Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  He has the marketing background necessary to bring Bolingbrook to the night sky.”

Judith, who asked that we not use her last name, is looking forward to the ads: “Stars are so boring to look at, and it’s not like you can see many of them here.  It’s will be nice to look up and see something useful.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is a genius!”

Patricia, who asked that we not use her last name, wants to stop the: “It’s bad enough seeing a satellite fly by when looking up at the stars. Now I fear that I will look up at the sky and see a video of Roger!  This is one of the reasons God will eventually get around to smiting Bolingbrook.  We need less light pollution, not more light pollution tor ads!”

Claar denied any plans to buy orbiting ads:  “No!  No!  Not true!  I am not buying flying ads. And offering free recycling lids does not mean I am appeasing the talking skunks or the wereskunks, or whatever your made-up skunks are called!”

In the background, several people screamed.  A woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford then said, “They can’t be stopped.  You’ve got to admire their purity of purpose.”

“Who can’t be stopped?”

“You have my sympathies.”

“Where are you going?”

A few seconds later, more people screamed and started running.  A woman who sounded like Village Clerk Carol Penning cried, “We were wrong.  We were so wrong.”

“You know we never say the ‘W’ word in Village Hall.”

“But they’re out of our control.  They didn’t stop with the DuPage Township.  They kept going.  They—”

Penning screamed.

“Who are you running from?” asked Claar.  “It can’t—Oh my God!”

A man with a downstate accent then said, “Your clerk is double dipping the taxpayers of Bolingbrook by collecting two salaries.  She must resign.”

“She will not resign,” Claar replied.  “You will go (expletive deleted) yourself!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian snow attack angers residents
Aliens hope to attend Bolingbrook Pride Picnic
Mayor Claar to take over Clow UFO Base on 5/1/19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/16/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Woman exiled from Bolingbrook after trying to sell fake Dead Sea road salt (Fiction)

Mayor Roger Claar exiled Janet Z. Fischer from Bolingbrook for allegedly offering fake Dead Sea road salt to the village.

“Normally we would jail people like her,” said an anonymous source with friends in Village Hall.  “But considering the sensitive nature of this incident, we thought it would be better to exile her.  Roger does have the power to do that, you know.”

According to many sources, Fischer walked into Village Hall and identified herself as Golda Zimmerman, a delegate from the Israeli government.  She met with the Director of Public Services and Development and offered to sell Dead Sea salt to the village at ten times the cost the village buys road salt from the state.

Zimmerman replied that if the village refused her offer, she would report the village as participating in the Boycott Divest Sanction movement.

“If you’re perceived as supporting BDS,” said Zimmerman, “it would hurt the village, more than it would hurt Israel.  On the other hand, if you buy our wonderful salt from the Holy Land, I can tell the world that Bolingbrook is participating in the Buy Invest Allocate Support movement.  It can only help your village’s reputation.”

The director, according to sources, summoned the Public Works Committee to hear the offer.

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz was skeptical:  “Not buying your overpriced road salt is not the same as boycotting.  It’s a simple market decision.”

“But it’s from the Holy Land!”

Trustee Michael Lawler then said, “You know, supporting an Israeli company could be considered good debt.”

“If something goes wrong,” added Trustee Maria Zarate, “We can always blame Bob.”

Lawler left the room.  Several minutes later Claar entered the room.  Zimmerman explained her deal, then added that she could arrange for a sizable donation to the campaign fund of Claar’s choice.

“I can’t risk taking donations from a foreign country,” Claar replied.  “I can suggest donating to a local charity that helps at risk youth.”

“Wait a minute,” cried out Jaskiewicz.  “Facebook says your real name is Janet Fischer, and you’re not from Israel or even Jewish.”

“Those silly Palestinian hackers.”

“And these local governments have posted warnings about your scam.”

After Claar yelled at Fischer, she confessed.  Claar then decided her punishment.

“I just had to deal with an attempted coup, and I don’t have the energy to deal with you in court.”

“You mean an election,” replied Jaskiewicz.

“Which your party was swept in.”

“We won seats on the Plainfield Library Board, The park district board, and the Joliet Junior College Board of Regents.  That’s not a sweep.”

“Whatever, Wójcik.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.  But that’s beside the point.  Miss Fischer, you are exiled from Bolingbrook, and you if say one more word, Bob, you’ll be joining her.”

A receptionist for Claar denied that the meeting ever took place:  “Don’t you think if he really has the power to remove people from Bolingbrook, he would have exiled you guys years ago?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano said, “I’m sick of these so-called satire sites, Charlene.  They’re so anti-Bolingbrook!”

“I don’t know,” replied Charlene.  “Bolingbrook has a tradition of satirical publications going back to the Phantom Press.”

“Not in my Bolingbrook, Charlene.  I’ve been silent for too long.  I’m going to start a Facebook page to expose their unfunny lies, and I will call it True Bolingbrook Facts!”

“That name is already taken.”

“That’s never stopped me before.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village Clerk: I am not a dictator because I haven’t committed atrocities!
Alien sticks probes in itself to protest Bolingbrook United’s losses
Sources: Illuminati paid off $100 million of Bolingbrook’s 2017 fiscal year debt
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

“We’re first!” A Bolingbrook Babbler post-election special report

We sent out teams of reporters to cover the 2019 Consolidated Election in Bolingbrook. The following are their stories:

Illuminati celebrates First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the Village Trustee race

At an Illuminati victory party held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, Mayor Roger Claar announced the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the trustee race:

“We’re first!”

The audience of Illuminati dignitaries roared with excitement.

“We kept Bolingbrook. We kept Clow UFO Base. We kept the New World Order at bay. Ford!”

Claar then brought in the winning candidates, Michael Carpanzano, Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta, and current Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Claar said: “I want to thank the people who cast over 11,000 thousand votes for my trustees. To the people who cast over 9 thousand votes against me, shame on you! The Illuminati is winning. We will destroy all nations and only great communities, like Bolingbrook, will remain. Before I die, I will have absolute power in Bolingbrook, and no one, not even the state democratic party, will save my foes from my wrath!”

Watts wiped tears from his eyes as he made his victory speech: “Two years ago, I finished in last place, and shamed Roger. On that day, I turned my life over, again, to the greatest engineer in the universe, God. Today, I finished first. I feel like I have been resurrected, and I could experience stigmata at any moment! Thanks Roger, for not casting me back to the pit of the DuPage Township.”

Carpanzano reached out to residents who didn’t vote for him: “If you didn’t vote for us, even though we care, I will be happy to re-educate you. If you refuse to be re-educated, and still support our foes over the residents of Bolingbrook, then—”

Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp from his coat pocket and extended his arm. The dignitaries chanted, “Carp! Carp!”

Alexander-Basta nervously thanked the gathered dignitaries. “Thank all of you for your support. I can’t wait to work with our alien friends to make the Bolingbrook STEM association the best STEM group in human history. Um, Roger. Am I supposed to say ‘Ford’ or ‘Fnord’ at this point?”

“Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you will support me when I announce my plans to build a space elevator and take out more bonds to do it, yes?”

“Um. I guess, since that debt would be good debt and we can never have too much good debt. I think?”

Claar laughed. “I’m just joking. Don’t worry. You’re going to be fit right in with all the other trustees I’ve had over the years.”

No Candidate Filed celebrates Plainfield Library Board victory

Two years ago, a Plainfield resident woke up and discovered that he had legally changed his name to No Candidate Filed. He thought he had ruined his life. Today, he is now a trustee on the Plainfield Library Board.

“Anything is possible in the Southwest Suburbs,” said Filed. “If I can make it, anyone can!”

Filed said his first priority was to make sure the Library Board is run like a governmental body, and not a business.

“I don’t think Jason Cann and I are going to get along, but I don’t care. God is on my side!”

Bolingbrook United tells New World Order: We’re not done yet!

Despite failing to gain any seats on the Bolingbrook Village Board, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz told New World Order dignitaries to look at the positives.

“Before election night,” he said to the crowd gathered at the New World Order victory party, “Bolingbrook United only had one elected official. Today, we have a representative on the Park District, the Plainfield Library Board, and the Joliet Junior College board. When all the votes are counted, we might even have a seat on the Valley View Board. I would have liked an ally on the village board, but I can live with the fact that Roger will now have to deal with dissenting opinions on three or four boards. That’s progress.”

Jaskiewicz also mentioned that it took Claar decades to build his political machine, and it wouldn’t go away over night.

“Next time, we’ll be even more prepared, and we’ll have our secret weapon.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere then took the podium and said: “I’ll be back.”

Maripat Oliver consoles her alien cheerleaders

By Reporter X

DuPage Township trustee and former Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver visited Clow UFO Base to console the Maripats, an alien cheerleader squad.

“I was so moved when I heard your first cheer,” said Oliver. She then cheered, “Maripat is where it’s at!” She later added, “When my car was vandalized, I thought about that cheer, and knew that I had to keep running.”

“We’re sorry we couldn’t vote for you,” said Poxdosk. “We can’t stand the thought of Roger running this UFO Base again. Did you know that he’s already demanding that his office be stocked with rum and Coke?”

Though Maripat Oliver never held any campaign events at Clow, the Maripats marched around Clow and recited cheers in support of her campaign.

“I think we got one person to vote for you.” The alien started to ooze green tears from its arms. “But it wasn’t enough.”

Oliver hugged each cheerleader, with their permission, then asked them for help.

“There are two creepy men who drive over 200 miles just to bully me at township meetings. It would really be nice of all of you to dress up in human suits, and cheer me on whenever they speak.”

“We can do that!”

Bored Billionaire endorses 2021 Bolingbrook mayoral candidate

Peter Z. Zinn, who claims to be Bolingbrook’s only billionaire, announced that he was backing James Gaston for mayor in 2021.

“His ideas are so outside the box that you can’t see the box from where they are. He’ll be a fun candidate to watch, and fun candidates make fun campaigns. I like fun campaigns. Especially after this race. We need more fun in Bolingbrook.”

According to Gaston’s platform, he intends to:

* Make every governing body in Bolingbrook to donate .3 percent of their funding to a college fund.

* Make Bolingbrook self-sufficient enough that it could eliminate all taxes

* Build a village owned apartment complex and rent it for a profit.

* Bring a minor league team to Bolingbrook.

* Expand Clow Airport and bring in major airlines to offer passenger service.

Instead of donating to Gaston’s campaign, Zinn said he would from a Super PAC to back Gaston and any trustee candidates that endorsed his platform.

“I don’t want to get in his way, but I do want to make sure he gets his way once he’s elected.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Gaston campaign said, “You know, if the village owned an atheist blog network like Freethought Blogs, we could eliminate all local taxes, and still have enough to buy out WeatherTech! Those bloggers must be billionaires!”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

We Get Letters: The 2019 Consolidated Election edition (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Doug Fields here.  The candidates have spoken.  Our editorial board has spoken.  Now it’s our readers’ turn to speak out.

We’ve gotten a lot of letters like this:

To the Editor:

Bolingbrook is great!  —Because the residents care.  (Insert what you care about in Bolingbrook.)  The First Party for Bolingbrook is the only party that says they care.  (Insert name of fake Bolingbrook party) has never said that on their literature or in person.  (Insert your favorite First Party candidates’ name) inspires me to (add your own comment).

I don’t want to attack but (Insert fake candidates’ name) does not support (our great golf club, our wonderful airport, our set list of village vendors)!  They do not care.  If they cared, they would apologize for forcing (name any member of the FPFB except Mayor Roger Claar) to spend money on campaigning.  The First Party for Bolingbrook is (any word except “perfect”), and Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United cannot accept that we live in a Utopia!

The Babbler must stop spreading their lies and only tell (“the truth,” “affirming stories,” “stories edited by Patch Mayor Michael Carpanzano”) because we care!

(Insert Name here)
(Insert a Bolingbrook address here)

Got to love astroturf.  We have received some original letters supporting each party.  This one is for the First Party for Bolingbrook:

To the Editor:

I’m sick of partisanship!  Anyone not affiliated with a political party knows that our mayor is a genius.  Even this random woman from California is praising me on Facebook!  Parties divide us and slow things down.  Uniting behind the best leader is the most efficient way to run a village.  Roger Claar is the best mayor in Bolingbrook’s history.

Do you know that there’s a Facebook group that doesn’t always praise Roger?  All they do is tear people down.  It is overrun with stupid partisan liars who would rather tear me down than admit they would be lost without Roger.  

The Democrats want to take over Bolingbrook.  My message to them is simple:  Just shut up and vote for my party!  Because it doesn’t matter what you look like, what you wear, or which God you worship.  Just as long you support your mayor.

Reggie Connor
Bolingbrook, IL

I think this reader is confusing mono-party government with non-partisan government.  Local political parties in Bolingbrook date back to the 1970s. We’ve had a long period of single-party rule, which ended in 2017 with the election of Robert Jaskiewicz. Naperville doesn’t have local political parties, and split votes during meetings are common.  The last time I checked, Naperville hasn’t descended into chaos.

Here’s a letter from a Bolingbrook United supporter:

To the Editor:

I moved to the suburbs to get away from the Chicago political machine.  Imagine my surprise when I realized that I moved into a community with an even worse political machine, run by Roger.  

Last week, Roger said Bolingbrook residents like me “want to create a political machine.” Please.  Chicago politicians take notes every time he releases his campaign’s financial statements because they are in awe of what he gets away with.

I’m voting for Bolingbrook United because someone needs to keep Roger in check, and it won’t be his handpicked candidates.  Sure they talk about fiscal responsibility, but let’s get real.  If Roger suddenly decided that the village needed to build the world’s tallest skyscraper, and he was going to take out bonds to fund it, would all the First Party candidates vote to stop him?

Jenny Z. Olmstead
Bolingbrook, IL

Here’s one for Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver:

To the Editor:

This election is generating interest around the world.  Residents as far away as Paris, IL are coming here just to disrupt our meetings.  Russian trolls are flooding our social media accounts to incite us into a civil war.  They say we only have a choice between two parties.

No, we don’t.  The Russians and the Downstaters don’t control me. I’m going to stick with the party that made Bolingbrook great, which is Bolingbrook First.  Roger may no longer endorse its candidates, but Roger isn’t Bolingbrook.

This year, I’m voting for Maripat Oliver.  Because Maripat is where it is at.

Jed Z. Oliver
Bolingbrook, IL

There you have it.  Now it’s up to you, the residents of Bolingbrook, to decide who you want to represent you in local government.  Remember: Anyone can complain about taxes, but voters are the ones who do something about them.

Also in the Babbler:

Werecat accused of aggressive leafleting for Bolingbrook First
Sources: Claar considers hiring Blackwater to replace the police department
Experts say local flu not caused by Martian virus
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Vandalism is still not acceptable in Bolingbrook or anywhere else (Non-fiction)

Last weekend, someone slashed three tires on Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver’s car.  Her car was the only one attacked, despite other cars in the neighborhood being equally accessible.

Apparently, this needs to be said again:  Vandalizing a politician’s personal property is a form of intimidation, and it is not acceptable.  It was not acceptable when Mayor Roger Claar’s home was vandalized.  It is still not acceptable today.  Violence should play no part in a democratic election.  Even if it turns out to just be a random attack, it should be condemned by everyone who believes in free elections.  

I also hope that in light of this incident, The incumbent First Party for Bolingbrook will revaluate its passive-aggressive campaign rhetoric.  Constantly stating “we care” implies that the other candidates don’t care.  Posting that their candidates “aren’t planning to get involved, they are already involved,” implies that the other party’s candidates aren’t involved in community activities.  Even the name ‘First Party for Bolingbrook’ implies that the other party’s candidates aren’t for Bolingbrook.  It is a follow up to Mayor Roger Claar’s statement that the 2017 race was between “residents” and “foes.”  To be blunt, that is a form of othering.  It could have influenced someone to commit vandalism against a “foe” because they’re fighting for the “residents.”

All the candidates care about Bolingbrook.  All the candidates have relevant experience for the office they’re running for.  All of them deserve to be heard.  All of them are Bolingbrook residents.

It is one thing to criticize positions or state that you don’t like a candidate personally.  That’s part of campaigning for public office.  However, violence and vandalism should not be a part of political campaigns anywhere in the world.

Brexit to Hell: A Manchester Mumbler special report (Fiction)

From time to time, we like to feature stories from our sister publications around the world.  The following is from the Manchester Mumbler in the United Kingdom.  Though the United Kingdom’s exit from the European Union has been delayed until April, there are still issues that need to be addressed. This article has been translated into American English.

Enhanced photo of a UFO following the Brexit vote.

Is Prime Minister May planning an invasion of Ireland?

Some sources say Prime Minister Theresa May ordered the military to “reunite Ireland with the United Kingdom.”

“It’s the only sensible solution to the backstop problem in Northern Ireland,” said an anonymous source.  “No border means no backstop.  It’s the only solution that makes sense.  Sure, we’ll see the return of the IRA, more terrorism, and a long term military occupation.  That’s worth the price of keeping all of the United Kingdom out of the common market!”

Sheri Z. Williams, a greater Manchester resident, says she has proof the UK will invade Ireland after Brexit:

“My son is in the Royal Marines.  I saw him studying maps of Ireland.  I asked him what he was up to, and he wouldn’t tell me.  Maybe he’s going to be part of the invasion force?  If he is, I will be so proud of him.  We never should have signed the Good Friday Accords, or let Ireland go free.  That was the beginning of the end for the British Empire.  But with Brexit, the British Empire is coming back.  Today Ireland.  Tomorrow the so-called United States will be back with us.”

No one from the British Government would comment for this article.

An anonymous member of the Irish Government said she doubted the UK would invade:

“If they were going to invade, which I doubt they would, we would ask the European Defense Union to come to our aid.  After all, we are a part of Europe.  Then the UK would invoke Article 5 of the Nato treaty.  Do you honestly think the rest of Europe would attack itself for the sake of some power hungry British politicians?  Do you really think Trump would come to their aid?  You know how much he hates Article 5.  No, I think if the UK attacked us, we would win, and they would learn what it’s like to be occupied.”

Interstellar charities banned from providing post-Brexit relief aid to the UK
By Reporter Zed.

If Brexit leads to food shortages, interstellar charities will be barred from providing relief aid to the United Kingdom.

“All of our treaties were negotiated through the European Union,” Said Eliznat, a delegate from the Interstellar Commonwealth, to the interstellar media.  “That includes disaster relief.  Without a treaty, member civilizations of the Interstellar Commonwealth cannot make contact with any British residents.  Contact includes providing food.”

Eliznat also announced that all UFO Bases in the United Kingdom will be sealed off and all human employees will be evacuated.”

“As much as we enjoyed working with Richard Branson, and the staff of Virgin Interstellar, the bottom is that leaving the EU means resigning probationary membership in the Commonwealth.  Richard may be the most powerful man in your country, but we can only negotiate treaties with governments.  (Prime Minister Theresa May) hasn’t returned our messages.”

Maylog, a representative from Feeders Without Planets, called the Commonwealth’s decision “barbaric.”  She added:  “Nobody is saying that we need to de-cloak a freighter over London and reveal ourselves to humanity.  We just want to secretly drop supplies in front of every doorstep on the island.  That way the average British citizen doesn’t have to suffer the consequences of their government’s below average decision-making skills.”

Beth X. Burdett, a representative from Virgin Interstellar, said this decision confirmed Branson’s fears:  “Not only will people starve immediately after a no-deal Brexit, but those who survive will be denied access to the technological gifts our visitors provide humanity.  This will truly be a multi-generational disaster for the UK.  When this is over, the UK will be a fourth world country, and Richard will have no choice but to relocate to the Caribbean Islands.”

She also confirmed that Virgin Interstellar, which currently manages all the UFO Bases in the UK, would be shut down after a no-deal Brexit.

No one from the government would comment for this story.

Researchers say No-deal Brexit could harm ghosts and cryptids 

Ghosts could go deaf and the Loch Ness Monster could go extinct, according to the British Society of Paranormal and Zoological Researchers.

“People don’t understand how the European Union’s regulations protect Britain’s rich and unique paranormal ecosystem,” read the statement.  “If it weren’t for the EU, the Estes Method would have resulted in thousands of ghosts going deaf.  Without the EU’s Paranormal Ministry, who knows what kind of havoc amateur paranormal investigators would unleash on the spirit world?  We owe to our dead relatives to protect them from a no-deal Brexit.”

The statement also claims that a no-Deal Brexit will end efforts to revive the Loch Ness Monster:  “The creature is currently in a coma and is only being kept alive by scientists secretly working for the EU.  If they are denied access to Nessie, she will die, and we will never have the chance to take high definition photos of her.  This will be a loss to future generations everywhere.”

The statement also stated concerns about ghosts losing their privacy: “Current EU regulations require Spirit Boxes to sound like snippets of radio broadcasts randomly edited together.  At first, it sounds great to be able to hear the dead clearly.  But once they realize we can hear them, they will stop talking and stop haunting certain locations.  The economic impact on haunted hotels would be devastating.  Won’t the government please think of the ghosts and Cryptids that could be harmed?”

A spokesperson for the British government asked to never be contacted by the Mumbler again.

Fame “skeptical” ghost hunter Hayley Stevens told this reporter: “I was enjoying years of not being bothered by you blokes.  Why did you have to ruin it?”

Also in the Mumbler:

Human trafficking operation promised to send victims to ‘the magical village of Bolingbrook’
MP accuses aliens of abducting pro-Brexit marchers
Labour Party leader: Our Brexit will be less of a disaster than any Tory Brexit
God to smite Richard Dawkins on 29/3/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Editorial Board suggestions for Village Trustees (Alternative Parties): The Al Gore Party and The Zero Tax Party (Fiction)

We get it.  You don’t want to choose from among the three establishment political parties.  You don’t want to cast a write-in vote that will not be counted.  You want to make a statement.  You don’t want the tabulator to record that you didn’t vote for an approved candidate.  You want to make a statement to the tabulator before they record that you didn’t vote for an approved candidate.  We hear you.

So we would like to recommend these alternative political parties to write on your ballot.  You’ll make a statement, even if your vote won’t count.

For those of you who lean to the Right, we recommend voting for the Zero Tax Party.  We still haven’t figured out how “Zero taxes=Infinite revenue!” Maybe it’s based on the same economic principle that allowed the Bolingbrook Park District to lower their taxes and generate more revenue for the playgrounds?  We don’t know.

However, we do know that many of you don’t like to pay taxes, and reject the notion that taxes are the cost of maintaining civilization.  There’s no better way to tell the government that you hate paying for the police, fire department, and roads, than to vote for the Zero Tax Party.

For those of you on the Left, we recommend voting for the Al Gore Party.  They are right when they state that the climate that Bolingbrook expanded under is going away.  Bolingbrook will have to deal with periods of too much rain followed by too little rain.  Potential crop failures, refugees from the Southern United States, and more dangerous heat waves, will impact our community.

Now a village board under Bolingbrook United might be more receptive to an environmental message. Or, maybe Claar might act if enough residents demand action to deal with climate change:  But that wouldn’t be making a statement like writing “The Al Gore Party” on your ballot.

Politics in Bolingbrook can be messy— Especially when people from Edgar County insert themselves into it.  But why make compromises or risk the wrath of Claar when you can easily make a statement by voting for one of these two parties?

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial Board suggestion for Village Trustees (Mainstream Parties)
Claar vetos accepting Brexit refugees
Clow UFO Base announces the schedule for visiting Presidential candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/22/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Editorial Board’s suggestion for Village Trustees (Mainstream Parties): Bolingbrook United (Fiction)

The 2019 race for village trustee is important because of its potential to shift power away from Mayor Roger Claar.  If First Party for Bolingbrook wins at least one seat, Claar’s allies will hold the board. If Bolingbrook United sweeps, they will take control of the board.  If Maripat Oliver (Bolingbrook First) wins, and Bolingbrook United takes two seats, the balance of power could rest with her.

All the trustee candidates care about Bolingbrook.  They’ve also served the community in one capacity or another.  All of them have relevant experience.

We recommend supporting Bolingbrook United’s Trustee slate this year.  We support their call to end “no bid” contracting and to allow more businesses the opportunity to provide services for the village.  We also agree that village employees should be collecting no more than one salary from the village.  While Bolingbrook isn’t on the verge of bankruptcy, the village can do more to get its large debt under control.  Residents don’t need to be “educated” about the debt. Bolingbrook needs leaders who will do something about the debt besides continually refinancing it.

Current Bolingbrook United Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz received a hostile reception from Claar’s trustees and had a few minor missteps at the beginning of his term.  Since then, we’ve been pleased with his work.  He’s worked with the other trustees, as signified by the relatively few no votes he’s cast.  We’re also impressed with his effort to give residents the option to have garbage toters.  Considering that Claar seems to regard toters as a liberal conspiracy, the fact that residents may soon be able to get their own toters is a testament to his work on the board. His use of social media to update residents about what happened at meetings is appreciated.  Sadly, many of his attempts to propose agenda items have been blocked by Claar.

We look forward to what he could do with more members of his party on the board.

Bolingbrook United may not have the First Party for Bolingbrook’s flashy marketing or Oliver’s local charm, but they do care about Bolingbrook enough to face off against the Claar political machine and to give residents a viable choice for the future.

Also in the Babbler:

Editorial Board suggestion for Village Trustees (Alternative Parties)
Claar vetos accepting Brexit refugees
Clow UFO Base announces the schedule for visiting Presidential candidates
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/22/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Aliens charged with dumping a whale carcass on the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Three aliens were arrested and charged with dropping a blue whale carcass near the Sixth hole of the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Bolingbrook is not a dumping ground,” said Peter. Z. Louis, a prosecutor representing Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “I will do all that I can to dump this criminal crew in the darkest, coldest cell on Pluto!”

Matt, who asked that we not use his last name, said he witnessed the whale’s impact:

“I was waiting for my food when I saw this blob in the sky.  I left my coat at the table and ran outside to take a look.  Af first I thought it was one of those UFOs that I always hear about in Bolingbrook.  Then I realized it was a falling whale.  Well, let’s just say I will never think of the term, ‘Bolingbrook Bounce’ the same way again!”

The aliens pleaded not guilty and asked to be represented by Bolingbrook attorney Joe Giamanco.  The judge informed them that Giamanco was not licensed to practice interstellar law, and assigned an attorney for them.

“My clients were framed!” said Jenny Z. Guzman, the lawyer for the crew.  “I will prove in court that they were working under the direction of Mayor Roger Claar.  He wanted a whale meat buffet and asked my clients to deliver a dead whale to the golf club.  There was a slight misunderstanding, and that’s why the whale was delivered to the wrong location.  I will also not tolerate jokes about Improbability Drives!”

Guzman insisted the whale was dead when the aliens found it in the ocean.

The New World Order wants to question the crew members regarding a whale that was found in the Amazon. 

A receptionist for Mayor Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed:

“The Bolingbrook S.T.E.M. association just held a demonstration for us, and Michael Carpanzano was the MC.  Can you tell that Bolingbrook Politics lady that it was not a political event?”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer,  said: “What were you thinking when you posted those pictures in Bolingbrook Politics?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” said a man who sounded like Carpanzano.

“That’s not what my Channer friends are telling me.”

“You trust your Chinese friends more than you trust me, whom people describe as a community leader?”

“The point is, if I can figure it out, others can figure it out.”

“You’re so negative Charlene, and we don’t do negative in Bolingbrook.  So let’s say I did post photos of myself at the Trump fundraiser in Bolingbrook using a fake account.  I would have done it to trigger the Bolingbrook United members and make them look bad— Thus ensuring victory for the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

“That’s brilliant!” said the woman.  “It’s such a brilliant idea that it looped into (ableist comment deleted)!”

“Don’t make me do it!”

“Hear me out Mr. I Promoted a Tax Increase as a Tax Cut.  Your plan might have worked in 2017, but that was before the criminal investigations of Trump.  The optics are terrible.  You look like a teenage fan of a corrupt politician, while Bolingbrook United gets to brag about canvassing neighborhoods with the Bolingbrook police union!  And you undermined our latest rebranding flyer.  Now Maripat can cry, ‘Boo Hoo!  That flyer crossing out the Bolingbrook First name was so mean, but what do you expect from a bunch of self-identified Trump Republicans?’”

“I don’t have time for your immaturity,” said the man. “You are carped!”

“I counter with my Alligator Gar!”

The man screamed in horror.

The woman continued: “Leave the fake accounts to me, and I’ll leave the virtue signaling to you.”

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar campaigns on Venus for the First Party for Bolingbrook
Clow UFO Base unions endorse Bolingbrook United
Post-modernists of Bolingbrook endorse Bolingbrook First
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/13/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.