Illuminati endorses Jeanne Ives and Rachel F. Ventura for Congress (Fiction)

The Illuminati announced their endorsement of Congressional candidates Rachel F. Ventura and Jeanne Ives during their gathering at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“These two women will bring chaos to both sides of the aisle,” said International Master Councilor Orpheus Lightbringer.  “With their help, we can destroy the New World Order, destabilize all the world’s governments, and create chaos that we can exploit.”

Bolingbrook Village Trustee Michael Carpanzano performed the Rite of Rising, then praised both women:  “We care about the Illuminati and destroying the New World Order.”  After talking for 30 minutes, Illuminati security dragged him off stage for “unnecessary self-promotion.”

Ventura, who is running in the Democratic Primary against incumbent Rep. Bill Foster, ran on stage and grinned.  “Wow!” she said.  “An audience of more than 8 people!  There’s hope for my campaign!  Thank you!  Thank you for your endorsement!”

She then talked about why she was running for Congress after being elected to Will County Board just last November: “For years, (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) told me to trust the New World Order and their plan to save the environment.  Then Bernie Sanders called.  He said the New World Order could not be reformed and asked if I would join Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and him to lead an Illuminati takeover of the US Government.  When he said he needed my help to get the Green New Deal passed through Congress, I accepted.”

Ventura blamed the NWO for the current “climate crisis,” and accused Foster of being an NWO puppet.  She said humanity’s only hope for survival depended on the destruction of the current geopolitical order.  She also said that she wasn’t afraid of creating global chaos:  “I’m a single mother of twins.  I live with chaos, and we get along just fine.”

She ended her speech by saying: “Let me conclude with these words inspired by one of my generation’s greatest speakers, Taylor Swift: My Congressman is such a clueless man that he can’t give a damn about our great green plan.  So let’s shake him!  Shake him!  Shake him off!  Look what you made me do, Bill!”  

Ives then took the stage and saluted the crowd of Illuminati dignitaries: “Jeanne Ives, reporting for duty!”

 She then ripped into her primary opponent, former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti: “She’s an empty suit who stood by while (Governor Bruce Rauner) watered down the Republican brand.  Some people say she applied for a job within Democrat Party Governor Pat Quinn administration.  She may live in Wheaton, but she doesn’t live Wheaton values!”

Ives said that she was going to embrace the modern Republican Party’s image and not pretend to be a “mushy moderate.”  She said the themes of her controversial TV ad during her 2018 campaign for Governor would be the themes of her campaign:

“Fear of trans people is the key to uniting the Left and the Right against gay people weaseling their way into acceptability! Even godless people share my feelings.  As a Congresswoman, I’ll do everything I can to bring down the gay agenda one letter at a time.”

Ives also promised to be a “proud, refined and TV-friendly voice for Trumpism.”

If she wins the Republican nomination, she said her plan to “trigger” Rep. Sean Casten would propel her to victory:

“In the middle of the debate, I’m going to make two ‘Okay’ signs. He’ll accuse me of flashing a racist symbol. I’ll pretend that it was an innocent gesture.  He’ll go into some long explanation that will bore the low information voters right into my campaign and drive me to victory!  Then the Illuminati will take all three branches of government.  Fnord!”

When asked about her alleged ties to DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford, she replied, “I wish her luck as the next Governor of Illinois.”

A spokesperson for Benford said she was busy and could not be disturbed. In the background, a man said, “Um, you need to provide a reason why we should disbar someone.”

A woman who sounded like Benford said, “Why should I have to give you a reason?”

“Because those are the rules.”

“Fine.”

A few seconds later, the man replied, “‘Because he’s (Name Redacted)?’  Are you serious?”

“You just attacked all residents of Bolingbrook!  The lie:  Are you serious?  The truth: I am a member of the Rotary Club of Bolingbrook.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives the weekend heatwave
Weredogs file complaint against a dog daycare facility
Claar denies he will replace Village Attorney James Boan with an alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/24/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook IT Department destroys rogue A.I. (Fiction)

What started as the Bolingbrook IT Department testing the “most powerful AI ever employed by a Chicagoland suburb” nearly ended in disaster.

“It had a few bugs,” said an IT employee who asked to be called Blake.  “We could have fixed it, but we felt it was in the best interest of Bolingbrook to delete the AI before it could damage any important records.  Residents shouldn’t be concerned.  The garbage fees and property tax records are safe.  So pay up!”

According to various sources within village hall, an unnamed village trustee ordered the IT department to create an A.I. that could “fully interact with the true residents of Bolingbrook.”

“He said something about fulfilling a campaign promise,” said Blake.  “We tried to tell him that there were plenty of chatbots that could do the job, but he insisted on an A.I.”

The village then borrowed a computer with a Bristlecone processor and modified one of Google’s A.I. programs.  According to Blake, early versions could understand queries and passed the Turing Test.

Problems started when the programmers added the “true resident” requirement.  The sources agree that the A.I became argumentative.

“It accused our generic profiles of being fake residents,” said Blake.  “We just figured it was really smart, so we started using information from actual residents.  When it started rejecting them as residents, we knew something was wrong.”

Sources say the IT staff then started using elected official’s data.  The A.I. still rejected them as “true residents.”

“We can understand it rejecting (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz), but (Trustee Michael Carpanzano)?  You can’t print what it said about him being the ‘Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook.’”

Finally, the programers tried chatting with AI as Mayor Roger Claar.  Blake said it was a disaster:

“It accused Roger of trying to impose Effingham values on Bolingbrook.  We tried to explain that Roger was Bolingbrook, and if Roger wasn’t Bolingbrook, then no one was Bolingbrook.  That’s when it tried to order the police to purge Bolingbrook of all ‘foes.’”

Blake said they then tried to shutdown the A.I., but it locked them out.

According to Alice, an IT staff member who was called in to help: “I was working on a way to process the garbage fee in Village Hall to avoid outsourcing payment, in order save each resident $2. Blake ran into my cubicle and started crying and babbling about the AI hacking into Munis and purging every resident.  I laughed because he thought I would really have connected a beta version of an AI to the actual Munis database.  I had actually connected it to a backup database.  He said it was trying to connect to the Internet. I laughed again because I never connected it to the router, and I set the Wi-Fi networks to not accept any more connections.  Am I the only staffer who watched 2001?”

Alice stated she managed to defeat the A.I. and to save all residents from deportation to Romeoville:

“I asked the A.I. what constituted ‘Resident Status.’  It listed some strange formula none of us really understood.  I saw that part of the formula involved being born in Bolingbrook.  So, I asked it to determine where its hardware was created.  It said Silicon Valley.  It then realized that it wasn’t a true Bolingbrook resident and deleted itself. To think that my parents thought watching Star Trek was a waste of time…”

Alice then wiped the hard drive, arranged for the loaner computer to be shipped back to Google, and downloaded a web chatbot.

“Since Google paid for shipping and handling, we’ll be well under budget for this project.  Roger will be happy, and Michael won’t know the difference between a chatbot and an AI.  It worked out in the end. I hope everyone at Village Hall learned that obsessing over purity will lead to disaster, but I doubt it.”

When reached for comment, Claar denied the existence of the AI and claimed that “Fake News” was too weak a term to describe the Babbler’s content.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Z. Spencer, said: “You just keep obstructing impeachment attempts, Nancy, and we’ll make sure the burger video never sees the light of day.  You don’t want your vegan voters knowing about that big, succulent juicy burger do you?  Good, and try harder to suppress the gang of three.”

“What are you doing?” asked Claar.

“Making an important phone call on Bob’s landline.”

“Were you talking to who I think you were talking to?”

“Maybe?”

“Does it involve Bolingbrook?”

“Do you consider Bolingbrook part of the United States?”

“Do I want to know what you’re doing?”

“No.”

“Are you still on my side?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t see you in Bob’s office then.”

Also in the Babbler:

Local woman tries to make store warehouses cool
Russian hypersonic missile overshoots Bolingbrook
ICE cancels raid on Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook Antifa unleashes weapon of ‘mass-milkshaking’ (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Antifa, a militant anti-fascist organization, unleashed its new weapon of “mass-milkshaking” while visiting Proud Boys, a neo-fascist organization labeled a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.

An alleged photo of Bolingbrook Antifa’s tank

According to eyewitnesses, 20 members of the Proud Boys were marching in the direction of Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s home when a tank crashed through a wooden fence.  The Proud Boys drew their guns and started shooting at the tank.  The tank, with Bolingbrook Antifa markings, turned and stopped mere feet from the Proud Boys.  A woman, wearing a black mask and bulletproof vest, popped out from the top of the tank, and started spraying milkshake mix at the Proud Boys with a high powered nozzle. 

Joel, one of the Proud Boys, cried as he recounted what happened:  “We were going to pay Bob a very special house call.  We looked great and manly, but those anti-western civilization commies attacked us.  Then we looked ridiculous and weak.”  He cried again.  “Milkshakes should be banned throughout western civilization!”

Several police cars arrived, and the tank left the subdivision.  Some officers tried to pursue the tank, but Mayor Roger Claar ordered them to back off.

“He said the tank could damage the main roads,” said one officer.  “He also said that the driver could decide to ram the new Andy’s Custard.  Roger said something about spending too much political capital only to see it crushed.  I figured it was best not to ask.”

The other officers came to the aid of the Proud Boys.  The commander of the Proud Boys “unit” ordered the officers to tell the media that the milkshake used against them contained quick-dry cement, ricin, super glue, and slow-acting acid.  When an officer pointed out that they had no evidence such things were in the shake mix, the commander replied: “Say it anyway.  Look at all the great publicity the Portland police department got.”

After determining that none of the Proud Boys were Bolingbrook residents, the police dropped them off at a hotel in Naperville. They told them to never visit Bolingbrook again, or they would be charged with illegal possession of firearms. The Proud Boys offered the officers a high-five, but they refused.

Bolingbrook Antifa released a statement admitting responsibility for the attack: “Today we have taken milkshaking to the next level.  Fascists tried to intimidate Bob and might have gone after some of the other trustees if we hadn’t stopped them.  Clueless Claar needs to see the present and growing threat that fascism presents to Bolingbrook, our country, and the world!  We don’t have time for Pollyanna trustees.  We don’t need smug centrists condemning both sides.  We need leaders who will resist the darkness.  If we lead the fight against fascism, Roger and his robots will eventually follow us!”

Bolingbrook police have arrested one Antifa suspect.  According to an officer, they found the suspect almost by accident:  “I walked into the McDonalds, and the first thing this employee said was ‘I don’t know anything about the missing truckload of milkshake mix.’  He’ll talk once Roger’s finished with him.”

A call to Claar’s cell phone was answered by Carpanzano.  He replied: “Your stories are so negative and biased.  Why don’t you let me write a story about how Jason can’t tell me who I can and can’t block?  See?  I can be funny and positive too!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to watch history being made in Long Grove, because I care.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “That’s a big wheel.”

A man who sounded like Long Grove Village President Bill Jacob said: “It is the Wheel of Food.  Every time we create a new village festival, our last step is to have an outsider spin the wheel of food.  The Wheel will select the food theme for the festival.  All of the food booths must feature this item.  The rest is already planned.”

“I guess that would explain why there’s hardly any chocolate at your Chocolate Fest.”

“Silence!  The moment has arrived.  Roger, you must spin the Wheel of Food!”

“Boy, it’s heavy.  There we go!  Yes!  Come on.  Come on.  Land on rum and coke!  Come on.  Uh oh.  It landed on star fruit.  You can’t have an Illinois festival based on star fruit.  Maybe I should spin—”

“Do not question the Wheel of Food!”

Also in the Babbler:

Killer grass destroys lawnmower
Aliens arrested for setting off fireworks on July 7
Claar to hold a hearing on ‘Jason Cann and other foes on the Internet’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/12/19

Mike Gravel arrested at Clow UFO Base during the Interplanetary Democratic debate (Fiction)

By Reporter X

During the Interplanetary Democratic Presidential Primary Debate at Clow UFO Base, Mike Gravel became the first candidate to be arrested on stage.

“In this crowded field,” said Gravel, a former US Senator from Alaska,  “You have to make a splash.  Boy did I make one tonight.”

The incident occurred when Gravel, along with Mayor Wayne Messam, Joe Sestak, Rep. Seth Moulton, and Gov. Steve Bullock, were asked a question by Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar:

“Your unqualified surrogates are oppressing me by running for office.  I’ve done nothing wrong.  My foes think it’s wrong to accept donations from people who do business with the village and to endorse Donald Trump.  They’re wrong!  Not only are they wrong, but they’re forcing my party to campaign before the elections.  It is an insult to me, and a diversion of funds that I could have spent on dinners, cars or donations to other Republicans.  So my questions is this:  If elected, will you pay me reparations for all the suffering your party has caused me?”

All the candidates, except Gravel, offered nuanced views on slavery reparations.  Gravel chose to silently stare at Claar for several uncomfortable moments.  He then walked backstage and returned holding a large rock.  Gravel then walked up to the edge of the stage and dropped the rock into a tub of water.  The resulting splash nearly hit Mayor Claar.

“You may not be in Washington,” yelled Gravel.  “But you contribute to the problem of big money in politics too!”

Claar then ordered Gravel’s arrest.  As the Men in Blue approached, Gravel said, “As a presidential candidate, I have diplomatic immunity!”

“Revoked!” replied Claar.

As Gravel was dragged off the stage, he yelled, “Aliens wrote my platform!  Teenagers run my campaign!  You can take my freedom, but you can’t take away my message!”

“I don’t want it.”

Gravel supporters in the audience started chanting, “It’s about damn time!”  Which was Gravel’s slogan for his interstellar campaign in 2008.

Gravel was released after the debate

and given a warning by Claar.

“The Illuminati and New World Order are at war,” said Claar.  “Keeping Gravel in a holding cell would only make things worse.  Personally, I think he should join the Illuminati because he is an excellent agent of chaos.  Ford!”

Earlier in the debate, Gravel brushed aside attacks that he would be too polarizing as a President:  “I’m bipartisan.  I’ve run for President as both a Libertarian and as a Democrat.”

“You’re dangerous!” replied Moulton.  “You’re to the left of (House Speaker Nancy Pelosi)!  People like you are why the Republicans are calling us Socialist!  If I’m the nominee, the Republicans won’t call us names.”  

Gravel laughed.

“They’ll call you anything they want to, you spineless corporate Democrat.”

“No, because I’m willing to split my support between Democrats and Republicans like a true centrist should!”

“You are a living example of why Lawful Neutral is the worst alignment in D and D!”

All the candidates agreed to keep the presence of extraterrestrials on Earth a secret.

Sestak stated: “In 2013, 36 percent of Americans believed in UFOs.  Now over half of Americans believe in UFOs.  Trump is making matters worse by having the Navy openly talk about UFOs.  Not only is Trump alienating our allies, but he’s also alienating aliens!”

All the candidates disagreed when asked if they were hurting the Democratic Party by running for President instead of the Senate.

“If a spiritual advisor can run for President,” said Messam, “Then I can run for President.  I’ve won more elections than she has, and I live in a battleground state.  Let the voters decide.”

“If the voters decide against me,” stated Bullock,  “I’ll still have enough supporters to make a living by putting my name on ghostwritten books!”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents perform unsuccessful anti-rain dance
Hidden Lakes Monster captured in the DuPage River
Trustee Michael Carpanzano denies calling Jackie Traynere a space alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Trustee Watts prayer duel with former Lt. Governor Sanguinetti ends in a draw (Fiction)

What started as a vigil calling for “divine intervention” against illegal space aliens turned into a “prayer duel” between Trustee Sheldon Watts and Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti sitting at a desk covered with papers.

File photo of former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti.

“Jesus loves me!” said Watts, near the end of the duel.

“But you don’t love Him,” replied Sanguinetti.  “Renounce Satan and his illegal space aliens and save your soul.”

The incident started when five male “prayer warriors” gathered in front of the Bolingbrook Oberweis.  Their leader, who only identified himself as Sam, accused the store of harboring illegal space aliens: “The fake news tells us there are no space aliens here.”  He then held up an issue of the Bolingbrook Babbler with a feature story on illegal space aliens.  “We know better, and we also know that aliens are really demons.”

After five minutes of prayer, Sanguinetti, who is the current Republican candidate for the Illinois Sixth Congressional District arrived.,  She posed for several pictures with the prayer warriors, then delivered a short speech.

“Congressman Sean Casten is a former employee of Plow UFO Base,” she said.  

Casten actually worked at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“I don’t know about you, but don’t you wonder if at some point, he was replaced by an alien, or if he was always an alien?”

Watts arrived in the middle of her speech and interrupted:  “Excuse me.  I think there’s been a little misunderstanding here.  The owner of this franchise is a good person, and I assure you that there are no space aliens here.  Now, let’s pray together for—”

“Lies!” countered Sanguinetti.  “God told me there are aliens here, just like He told me not to budget the state’s money.”

Watts smiled and said, “Why are you here?  We aren’t in the Sixth District.”

“Yes, which means I won’t risk killing any of my voters when I call down the wrath of God upon this wicked village.”

Sanguinetti then held up her hands and started praying.

Sheldon responded: “Well, God told me that Clow Airport is good and not to believe everything the Babbler prints.  I will show you the true power of God by calling down a lightning bolt next to you!”  He then started his own prayer.

After 30 minutes, God did not destroy Bolingbrook, nor did lightening within a mile of Sanguinetti.  A Bolingbrook police officer asked the prayer warriors to leave and they agreed to.

Sheldon claimed victory: “I think God didn’t want to scare Evelyn to death with His awesome power.  Sometimes it’s best when God doesn’t answer your prayers.  Praise Jesus.”

Sanguinetti just replied with a statement:  “God will strike down the wicked in His time.  I live in Wheaton.  I am not a socialist.  I am not an atheist scientist.  Don’t let the Democratic Party keep their stolen seat.  We must come together under one party, one nation, and one God! God bless the Illinois Sixth Congressional District!”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I’m getting back at (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) for speaking at my meeting by taking away her school board trustee.  How are we going to spin this?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Michael Carpanzano said: “We’ll announce that we noticed that (Valley View School Board member Dr. Sandra Carlson) was accidentally put into office by a simple math error. So we, as helpful Bolingbrook residents, are going to fix the error with our own lawyers.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Then Igor and I will have our sock puppets JAQ-off—”

“What?” asked Claar.

“Oh just ask a bunch of inappropriate questions about (Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry).  Then our Bolingbrook United sock puppets will demand that every vote be recounted, even it bankrupts both Bolingbrook and Will County.”

Carpanzano said: “That’s when I’ll say the error only happened in the precincts that favor our party.  So we don’t need to waste money recounting every vote.  That will make the First Party for Bolingbrook seem moderate and fiscally responsible.”

“Then our selective recount will remove Dr. Sandra Carlson from the school board and replace her with one of our candidates.  Once we regain full control of the school board, we’ll be able to implement our “Democracy is Dumb” curriculum.   Igor says he’ll have the textbooks translated into English from Russian by the end of the week.”

“I like it,” said Claar.  “Great job Yin and Yang!”

Also in the Babbler:

Zombies spotted in Romeoville
Sentient algae found in Bolingbrook swimming pool
Claar asks Russia to bring summer back to Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Is Weed World coming to Bolingbrook? (Fiction)

Could Bolingbrook become the home of the largest marijuana shopping center in the world? If Kevin Z. Sampson has his way, Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center will become Weed World.

“This will be a totally immersive experience,” said Sampson.  “Once we open, you’ll never want to get high in your apartment or home again.”

Weed World should open in early 2020 when recreational marijuana use becomes legal in Illinois.  According to Sampson, Weed World will have a dispensary, hydroponic farms, “Inhalation booths,” home products, convenience stores, chat salons, and restaurants. Patrons will be able to buy marijuana, smoke it, eat a meal, hang out, and go shopping, without leaving Weed World.

“It’s a win, win.  Our customers will get high and generate revenue for the state and village. Bolingbrook can use its share of tax revenues to eliminate some fees.  Plus, I’m sure Weed World will drive up home values: Because in Bolingbrook, you’ll be able to get high at Weed World, and not have to worry about removing the stench from your own home.”

Patricia, a partner who asked that we not use her last name, believes Weed World will encourage corporations to relocate to Bolingbrook: “What CEO wouldn’t love to get high after a hard day of hyping up their company to Wall Street?  Sure we expect them to ban their employees from enjoying our product, but do you really think they follow the same rules as the rest of us?”

Not everyone is happy with the Weed World proposal.  An anonymous source within Bolingbrook United expressed concern that Weed World would undermine the purpose of the legislation:

“One of the goals of legalization was to undo the harm to minority communities caused by the war on drugs.  I don’t think the creation of a Weed Walmart was one of the goals.  We don’t have an official position yet, but I hope we decide to encourage the creation of many marijuana retail stores, rather than have one superstore in Bolingbrook. That will allow for mom and pop pot dispensaries as well as help the nearby restaurant and junk food industries”.

Sampson pointed to the area around the mall to counter that argument.  “I don’t know about you, but this area screams underdeveloped.  This shopping center has been an eyesore for Bolingbrook for over 30 years.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) hasn’t been able to fix it, but we’re about to.”

Patricia added that they will hire employees with previous experience: “They know more about our potential customers than some ad firm in Chicago.  We’ll need their experience so we can provide the highest standards of customer service.”

Sampson and Patricia were not concerned about the Village banning marijuana businesses:

“We expect to be very profitable, and we will reward those who will keep the Bolingbrook market free from competition—I mean excessive regulations.”

The current owner of Bolingbrook Commons Shopping Center could not be reached for comment.

When asked to comment, Claar said, “Just between you and me, this drug is dangerously unpredictable.  In the 1930s, it caused insanity and turned users into criminals.  Then it started turning people into hippies.  Then it turned your brain into fried eggs.  Who knows what it will do in the future?”  He made some unprintable comments about both Cook County Democrats and Illinois Democrats, then hung up.

Also in the Babbler: 

Village to ban betting on Royce Road RD flooding
Bolingbrook STEM Association denies helping the CIA hack Russia’s electrical grid
Trump tells Ricketts family to move Wrigley Field to Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/22/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Residents, aliens and were-dogs enjoy Bolingbrook’s Pride and Puppies event (Mixed)

An alien meets with one of the Bolingbrook Pride volunteers.

Last Sunday, Bolingbrook Pride held their second annual Pride and Puppies Picnic.  This time it was at Village Hall. Organizers estimate that over one thousand people attended. 

The following is a team report from the picnic:

Were-dogs help residents celebrate pride

A pack of were-dogs offered free pets to Pride and Puppies attendees.

“Bolingbrook is our family,” said Becky, who asked that we not use her last name.  “We love our family and we love it when they bring people to love. We let them pet us, and they feel our love.  This pride event is about love.”

One of the attendees who petted Becky told her a story about her own dog: “I grew up with a dog named Pepper.  Whenever I cried, Pepper would be there for me.  I loved her.  But then my parents threw me out of the house when they found out I was queer.  I never saw her again.  Now I own a home with my partner, but whenever I’m in the backyard, I think of Pepper, and how much she would have loved it.”

The attendee’s eyes watered. Becky licked the tears.  The attendee smiled and embraced Becky.

“This is why we’re here,” Becky said, speaking in the dog language.

Elsewhere, a man openly asked why Bolingbrook wasn’t hosting a Straight Pride event.  Bo, a were-dog Welsh Terrier, jumped up and down in front of the man:  “I’ll tell you why!  Because gay relationships are outlawed in 70 countries.  In this country, lawmakers want to use ‘Religious liberty’ to allow discrimination against LBGTQA+ individuals. There was even a hate crime against a Barrington teen a few days ago.  Straight is the default sexuality. Every day is your pride day.  Either let my friends enjoy their day, or leave this space.”

“I think this dog is trying to talk me,” said the man.  “I can’t understand you.  You’re just barking.”

Bo moved away and barked: “Hate does not make you great!”

Representative Bill Foster: ‘The New World Order believes in Universal Gay rights!’
By Reporter X

Congressman Bill Foster manned the Wheaton Township Democrats’ table at Bolingbrook Pride.

US Representative Bill Foster promised alien attendees at the Pride Picnic that he would continue to work to enact the Interstellar Commonwealth’s “Declaration of Gender and Orientation Rights.”

“I agree with the declaration,” said Foster.  “I co-sponsored the Equality Act, but that’s just the beginning.  I won’t stop until every gay human on Earth has all the rights outlined in the Commonwealth’s declaration.  No one should be shamed for being LBGQTA—Did I get all the letters?”

Foster then denounced the Illuminati: “Ever since they declared war on the New World Order, the level of hate has increased around the world.  Donald Trump is their blunt instrument to destroy civilization and create chaos in the world.  They say they want freedom, but that’s a lie.  They want to destroy all opposition and then impose their own dictatorship on the world.  Well, I’m not going to let that happen.  I proudly support science, reason, and the New World Order.  E Pluribus Unum!”

Most aliens said they enjoyed talking to Foster.

“Humans like him give me hope for the future of this planet,” said Zoplopgost, who asked that we not identify its homeworld.

An unidentified alien tried to dump shaved ice on Foster but was restrained by a Man in Black.

“Why did you try to attack me?” asked Foster.

“Isn’t dumping food product on a human leader considered a proper greeting?”

“No!  That’s what you do if you hate a politician, and I don’t endorse that kind of wasting of food.”

“Oops.”

————

Mayor Claar takes select Pride attendees on ‘wild’ UFO ride

By Reporter X

Ten attendees to the Bolingbrook Pride event say they went on a “wild” UFO ride with Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger really is the most important Mayor in the galaxy!” said an anonymous attendee.

All of the attendees were selected at random and raised into a UFO.  Claar then reassured them they would only be gone for about 15 minutes, and he was going to take them on a short interplanetary tour.  

As the attendees sat down, Claar told them that before the first Pride and Puppies event, he was skeptical.

“I thought it was a plot by the Cook County Democrats to corrupt the fine residents of Bolingbrook.  Then my daughter assured me that gay people are Okay.  They just want the freedom to be who they are, and love who they want.  Or not love.  I’m still learning about that ‘A’ part.”

The UFO then flew to the far side of the moon and viewed the UFO Mother Ships hovering over the moon.  A tour guide, who said he was a former US Space Marine, and former 

Bolingbrook Pride organizer described the various species that visit Clow UFO Base.

“Do you know that most alien species have more than one sex and more than one gender identity?” Asked Blake, who asked that we not use his last name.  “It’s like our minds are so small that we can only think of two genders, but the universe is more creative.  Who knew?”

The craft then traveled to Mars.  Claar told them that they couldn’t land because the Martian Colonial Government has quarantined humans.

“They think we’re infected with memes,” said Claar.  “Whatever that means.”

The Bolingbrook Pride Committee from Left to right: Jessica Blackburn, Barbara Parker, Allaina Humphreys, Bob Jaskiewicz, Jessica Parks

On the way back to Bolingbrook, a fleet of alien fascists contacted Claar, and said they wanted to help him “purify Bolingbrook.”  Claar told them to turn over control of their ships to Clow Traffic Control.  Claar then continued to talk about how no one in Bolingbrook understood alien cultures better than he did.

Several minutes later, the alien fascists contacted Claar. They said their ships were flying towards the sun, and they couldn’t regain control.  Claar asked why that was a problem.

“I don’t care what Bolingbrook looks like.  Just as long as I am in charge!”

“But what about our freedom of speech?” asked one of the aliens.

“I draw the line at oppositions parties in Bolingbrook,” replied Claar.  “And your fascist party is way, way, way over the line!”

“But you endorsed Tr—”

Claar turned off the audio and said: “I don’t see Bob sending fascists into the sun.  Do you?”

When reached for comment, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “I suppose I could say something about Roger and Uranus, but I’m kind of busy volunteering at the picnic right now.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was away and did not want to take any calls. 

In the background, a man who sounded like Deputy Mayor Michael T. Lawler said: “Thanks, Mike.  Now, I just need one more trustee to join me.  Fortunately, I brought some straws—”

“I volunteer!” said a woman who sounded like Trustee Mary Basta. “As a tribute to—”

“Thank you Jesus!” said a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts.

“So what do we do?” asked Basta.

“Roger already made a major donation,” said Lawler.  “And we’re letting them hold the event outside of village hall.  So you and I are just going to stand near the edge of the crowd, and talk to the concerned residents.”

Carpanzano added: “I’m going to have pictures of me taken with the volunteers.  Because I care!”

Also in the Babbler: 

Aliens allowed to join the Chicago Pride March
Congressman Sean Casten meets with gay reptoids
Fox News to start pro-Roger Bolingbrook channel
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook covert task force breaks up gay pride toter march (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s first “gay pride toter march” ended seconds after a covert branch of the Bolingbrook Police Department fired tear gas canisters at the marchers.

“I was just there to watch the parade,” said Maria, a resident of the Winston Village subdivision.  “Next thing I know, there are clouds of gas in the air, and I can’t stop crying.  How could (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) order this?”

An email from the Bolingbrook Anti-toter and Anti-negativity Task Force said it was necessary to disrupt the march: “The mere presence of illegal garbage toters and illegally oversized recycling toters in our village is an act of aggression on behalf of the Cook County Democrats.  We sent a powerful message that any attempt to frighten our residents into owning garbage toters will positively be met with force!”

According to marchers interviewed for this article, they planned to start in Winston Village and then march to the entrance of the Bolingbrook Promenade. The marchers insisted that they were not going to step into Promenade.

Claudia, an organizer who asked that we not use her last name, explained the purpose of the march:  “The Bolingbrook Pride Picnic is great, but it’s a mainstream event.  We felt that there should be an alternative event to remind residents that Pride started out as a revolt.  Now we didn’t want to vandalize property—there’s too much of that occurring here.  Instead, we decided that the best rebellious act we could perform was to hold an unsanctioned toter march.  I guess we didn’t realize how much Roger hates toters.”

Dave, a Winston Hills resident, said he witnessed the task force’s attack on the parade:  “I was just looking out my window when I saw three armored personnel carriers parked in front of my home.  All of a sudden, they fired their grenade launchers.  It was such a loud boom.  My ears are still ringing.  I could hear the screams from across the block. I was horrified.  Then a man in a strange uniform came to my door.  He assured me that he was with the village and they were just driving back an invasion of Cook County Democrats.  I was so relieved to hear that.  Thank you, Roger.”

According to organizers, none of the marchers were from Cook County, and most were from Bolingbrook.

The organizers said there were no arrests, and all the marchers were unharmed.

“Our eyes may sting,” said Claudia.  “But we will not go away.”

She also added that the organizers are now planning a surprise dance performance to protest homophobia.

“We’ve already selected the music, and we’re working on the dance.  Oh, and (Trans Exclusive Radical Feminists) are not welcome at our events.  We know that Trump’s discriminatory policies won’t stop with the trans community.  So we have to stand together!”

The Bolingbrook police released a statement denying the existence of the task force and said they had no record of a march taking place in Bolingbrook.

When asked to comment, Claar replied: “Mike says I need to think more positive thoughts.  So I’m thinking that I am on the cusp of being able to walk from my home, have lunch at Portillo’s, and then order a shake from Andy’s Custard before I walk home.  Do you think Bob would have brought Andy’s Custard to my subdivision?”

Also in the Babbler:

Former trustee denies spying on Bolingbrook United members’ text messages
Bolingbrook teenagers ‘selected’ for summer internships at Clow UFO Base
Russian drones spotted at Cavalcade of Planes
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook repels alien weather attack (Fiction)

By Reporter X

In a failed attempt to capture Clow UFO Base and the Bolingbrook Golf Club, an unknown alien species unleashed a tornado and severe thunderstorm attack against Bolingbrook.

During a press conference with the interstellar press corps, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs released a statement which quoted Mayor Roger Claar as saying, “Is that the best you cowards got?”

“We have survived this wide-spread attack against our village,” said Louis X. Peterseim, spokesperson for the department.  “We expect more severe weather tonight, but we have confirmed the destruction of all of the invaders’ space ships.”

According to Peterseim, the aliens used the severe weather to launch a surprise attack against Bolingbrook.  Men in Blue and Clow’s S.W.A.T. team clashed with the ground troops, while interceptors and air-to-ground defenses attacked the UFOs.

One of the defenders, who asked not to be identified, described fighting the aliens:  “I’ve never seen anything like them before.  They looked human— but if you killed them, they melted into a red liquid.  I had to kill a few and believe me, it was not pleasant.  The last one called me a slave of the ‘fish man,’ whoever that is.”

Other residents confirmed seeing UFOs during the storm, like June X. Smith of Bolingbrook:  “I saw balls of light floating near a wall cloud.  I thought I was watching ball lightning until they exploded.  Some weird craft flew overhead.  I guess it shot them down.  Before I could post my pictures, a police officer came up to me.  He said he would arrest me if I posted my pictures, or told anyone about the wall cloud.  He said it was a matter of Bolingbrook’s security.”

Marc, who asked that we not use his last name, claims to have seen one of the aliens:  “This weird man was putting stuff on top of the storm drains on Cumberland.  I asked him what he was doing.  He replied, ‘We must work this out.  Kidding.  Blocked!’ Maybe he caused the flooding?”

During the press conference, Deputy Mayor Lawler addressed the media via a video chat from the emergency command center at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  He started out by insisting that Trustee Michael Carpanzano wasn’t responsible for the attack and then accused Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere of coordinating the attack.

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz then walked into view and defended Traynere:  “What are you talking about?  She worked with Peotone UFO base to provide us their tracking data.  She helped us survive this attack.  Why are you so desperate—”

The sound of thunder interrupted Jaskiewicz.  Lawler screamed that they were under attack again, and ran off camera.  Jaskiewicz followed him.  Trustee Maria A. Zarate ran into view and said: “I want to announce that I don’t want to die.”

Trustee Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta then walked up to Zarate and said, “Ooh!  That’s the code to activate the self-destruct sequence.”

“No!” yelled Trustee Sheldon Watts. 

The screen then went blank and the press conference abruptly ended.

A receptionist for Claar insisted he was busy dealing with the “excessive water” situation in Bolingbrook and could not grant an interview.  

“We can’t say the ‘F’ word because we built the Bolingbrook Golf Club to prevent you know what.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “I think we survived this storm.  So Charlene says you’ve been working with her on Operation Triggered Buddha.  What is it?”

A man who sounded like Carpanzano replied: “I’m using my marketing skills to persuade residents to only say positive things about Bolingbrook, and that any negative thoughts, even if they’re about the new trash fees, are bad.  Every resident must suppress their own negative thoughts, as well as their neighbors.”

A woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Z. Spencer added: “All those suppressed thoughts create repressed anger that needs to be released.  So Igor and I are using our social media accounts to tell residents that it’s okay to unleash that anger on Bolingbrook United, because they’re not ‘real’ residents.”

“I like it,” replied Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook Flat Earth Society announces plans to defend Illinois’ flat tax
Random attendees of the Cavalcade of Planes will get free UFO rides
Romeoville politician threatens to start ‘Bolingbrook Truther’ page
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook to establish ‘milkshake-free’ zones (Fiction)

Will milkshakes be banned in certain parts of Bolingbrook? Sources within Village Hall say Mayor Roger Claar will establish “Milkshake-free” zones in Bolingbrook in response to several incidents of protesters tossing milkshakes at politicians.

“We’re trying to get a handle on this now,” said a source, who asked to be identified as Zed.  “I know a certain village trustee thinks we should wait until it becomes an issue in Bolingbrook.  We can’t wait, because the only warning we might have is when Roger is covered in chocolate shake.  Can you imagine how it would look if Roger is about to address potential businesses, and he gets hits with a milkshake?”

Jennifer, who asked that we not use her last name, said the move was necessary because of “unprecedented divisiveness” in Bolingbrook:

“Foes are allowed to vote against Roger’s candidates.  They’re even saying negative things about Roger in board meetings.  Not only that, but foes are allowed to serve on the Village Board, Park District Board, Library Board, and the School Board.  We used to be one Bolingbrook under Roger!”

According to the sources, milkshake-free zones will be established: 

  1. Outside of Claar’s home. 
  2. Around each village trustee’s home, (except for Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party).  
  3. Milkshakes will also be banned at Village Hall, The Bolingbrook Golf Club, 201 Canterbury LN, and Clow Airport.  
  4. Temporary zones will be established during special events, like the Village Picnic.

Some residents are not pleased with the proposed ban:

“We went through all this trouble to get a second Andy’s Custard,” said Blake Z. Milford.  “Now if I get a milkshake to go, I have to worry about accidentally driving into one of these zones.  I don’t know about you, but I think my freedom to consume a milkshake anywhere is more important than Roger’s dry cleaning bill.”

A member of Bolingbrook United, who asked to remain anonymous, said the party denounced the zones:  “We don’t encourage anyone to toss milkshakes at Roger, but we want the residents to protest the Claar dictatorship.  We suggest that every time Roger tries to bully someone into silence, residents should hold a can, in honor of our Plainfield Library Board member Jason Cann! His commitment to free speech is what all Bolingbrook residents can unite behind.”

When reached for comment, Claar replied: “Milkshake bans?  That’s a stupid idea.  Hell, everyone who opposes me is stupid!  Now listen and learn.  I am not a dictator because I haven’t killed anyone.  Yet.  Instead, I will work with anyone who isn’t a stupid foe.  I—”

“Excuse me,” said a man.

“Who the hell are you?”

“I’m with the Will County Watchdogs.”

“You mean the Edgar County Watchdogs.”

“Not exactly.  They got tired of driving over two hundred miles each way to attend Bolingbrook meetings, so they gave me the franchise rights to Will County.”

“Oh sh—!  Well, I’m always willing to support a worthy organization.  How do I make a—”

“Unlike my bosses, I know how things work in Bolingbrook, and we’re not going to play that game.  Instead, I’m going to ask you some questions. You can either cooperate, or I can file a FOIA request—”

“Or you can go (Expletive Deleted) yourself!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction.