The Disease Consortium awarded Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. the Andrew Wakefield Lifetime Achievement Award for “defending and extending the viral revolution.” In a ceremony at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, the president of the Disease Consortium, who wore a mask and called himself Omega, cited the measles outbreak in Texas and his dismantling of federal health agencies.

Omega said, “Five years ago, COVID caught us off guard. As much as we love millions of infected people and millions of deaths, we feared the pandemic would crush the anti-vaccination movement. The public would believe in vaccines and we would be out of jobs. But thanks to Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the US is well on its way to becoming the global leader of spreading infectious diseases!”

Kennedy graciously accepted the award. After asking for a moment of silence in memory of the smallpox virus, he delivered a passionate address to the gathered delegates. He praised Wakefield for “weaponizing autism” in the war against prevention. “Many parents would rather bury their children than raise autistic children. That means more opportunities for my vaccinated children when they grow up .”

Kennedy called vaccinations evil and anti-capitalist. “They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. What they don’t say is that you only pay for that ounce once, while you can keep selling cures each time a virus mutates. That’s capitalism! I want to be the capitalist Lysenko!”

Kennedy vowed to demolish Canada’s and Greenland’s health care systems after the US “liberates” them. “I won’t stop until I abolish public health in North America. Before public health, nobody had the plague. After public health, 90% of humanity has had some form of the plague. Okay, not really. But it sounds more impressive when I make up numbers like that.”

Masked medical blogger Orac hacked into the sound system in the middle of the speech. After accusing JFK Jr. of supporting “soft genocide,” he concluded by saying, “How do I know there is no God? John F. Kennedy Jr. is dead. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. isn’t!”

Kennedy replied, “I probably should feel guilty, but I think the worm ate that part of my brain.”

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