The Department of Paranormal Affairs confirmed they deported a time traveler back to the year 2049:
“She wanted to participate in the May 14th Bolingbrook 2049 forum,” said Alice Z. Williams, spokesperson for the department. “Unfortunately, both the New World Order and the Illuminati specifically forbid interactions with time travelers. Yes, she could have offered concrete suggestions for how to prepare for the next 30 years- But rules are rules. The forum participants will have to settle for educated guesses and wild speculation.”
According to Williams, the time traveler knocked on the door of a “a trustee-elect we will not name at this time.” The time traveler, according to Williams, demanded that she be allowed to address the forum because she’s from the year 2049.
“Suspect X,” said Williams, “Made it very clear that she would not be a positive, affirming presence at the event. The trustee-elect contacted us, and we apprehended her before she could do more damage to the timeline.”
When pressed for specifics, Williams said the time traveler claimed that Bolingbrook in 2049 was dealing with several waives of climate refugees, many of them from the Southwest region of the United States. Bolingbrook was still in debt due to repeated reconstruction from floods and tornados.
“Apparently,” said Williams, “At some point, the government will have stopped providing disaster relief and insurance companies will have stopped covering natural disasters.”
The Bolingbrook economy will be suffering due to the loss of storefronts, the collapse of the agriculture in Illinois due to droughts, and numerous polar vortexes. Thousands of retirees will migrate back to Bolingbrook, putting a strain of Bolingbrook’s social services. This will be compounded since townships were abolished in Illinois.
When asked if the time traveler had any positive news, Williams said the time traveler told them all elections will be suspended due to the “Long Emergency,” and Facebook will be shutdown by the Federal Government.
Trustee-elect Michael Carpanzano denied being visited by a time traveler: “You shouldn’t write stupid stories like this. You should be telling your readers that Bolingbrook 2049 is the only serious forum for residents to plan the future of Bolingbrook.”
“Actually,” said a woman. “Residents can also attend our Memo to the Mayor forum on May 15. It’s free, and starts at 7 PM, when most residents can attend. We feel that you shouldn’t have to choose between your job and the future of Bolingbrook.”
Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his jacket pocket then held it up to her face. He then faced this reporter and said, “As I was saying…”
Also in the Babbler:
Jesus unharmed after being debunked by atheist
Bolingbrook increases abduction limit for each UFO
Carpanzano android explodes during first test
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/19
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