The acting administrator of Clow UFO Base, Aplodoxage Glomox, praised the organizers of this years holiday concert at Clow UFO Base.
“Any concert that does not end in a riot is a success,” said Glomox.
This year’s concert was co-hosted by Mayor Roger Claar and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz. The two were chosen because Clow UFO Base will be returned to the village after the April Consolidated election. Either Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook or Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United will control the village board after the election.
“This is the time of year when people of all faiths wish for joy and peace,” said Jaskiewicz during the introduction to the concert.
“It’s also the time of year we don’t call our enemies stupid liars,” added Claar. “Instead, we struggle to recognize their humanity.”
“I thought we agreed not to do any ‘gotcha moments.’”
“I don’t recall saying that, Wojtyła.”
Local performers included the Clow UFO Base’s Visitor’s Choir, the Bolingbrook Garbage Toter Drill Team, and the Clow UFO Base Drama Club. Unlike past holidays, none of the performers were banned following the concert.
One performer from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel was injured while attempting to juggle several burning menorahs while balancing on top of a giant spinning dreidel. During the performance, she lost her balance and the menorahs ignited her clothes as she fell.
“Happy Chanukah!” she said while on fire. “You’ve been a great audience.” Stage crew then extinguished the fire and rushed her to a medical bay. After the concert, the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs said she was expected to make a full recovery.
DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver, who is also a candidate for Village Trustee, addressed the audience:
“There are so many holidays this time of year. What makes Bolingbrook great is that we have the freedom to celebrate all of them. Our diverse community is what makes Bolingbrook first among the suburbs of Chicagoland. Our love for this village is what unites us all. Oh, did I mention that there’s never been a scandal involving the Township’s interstellar charity work?”
The concert concluded with a surprise performance by Tim Minchin, who had been banned for life following his performance last year.
“I was told by my friend Aplodoxage that I could have any performer I wanted,” said Jaskiewicz. “So I brought back Tim. Sorry, your last movie bombed.”
Minchin performed for an hour, and finished his set by singing “White Wine in the Sun.”
When he finished singing, he held up a banner that read, “Not the first person to believe that being sentient unites us all. Universe first!”
Later, a human woman was heard screaming, “I’ve changed my mind! I don’t want to run. Erase my memory! I can’t go on knowing that the Babbler is right!”
When reached for comment, Claar said, “Fine, I’ll play along this year. Peace on Earth. Donate to H2O. I’m endorsing the First Party for Bolingbrook. Maripat is a name thief. Give Michael Carpanzano a chance to prove himself. What I want for Christmas is for Joe Giamanco to sue himself. Mary Christmas and happy holidays to every real resident of Bolingbrook. I invite all readers of Freethought Blogs to visit Bolingbrook. Now stop calling me! Do you know what time it is in California?”
Also in the Babbler:
Scientist fails to breed flying reindeer
UFO crashes near Palatine
Wereskunks arrested after starting a campfire to warm skunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/11/18
Note: This is a work of fiction.