Web Exclusive: ‘Punch a Nazi’ clubs latest Chicagoland trend (Fiction)


(Content Notice: Bigotry)

Bob casually walked on the sidewalks of the Promenade Bolingbrook.  “Fourteen,” he said to every white young man that walks by.  Most ignored him, or replied by saying, “Fifteen,” or “Eighteen,” or “Twenty-one.”

A young man with a high and tight haircut ran up to Bob.  “I know,” he whispers.  He clears his throat.  “We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.”  He smiles.

Bob threw a right hook into the man’s jaw.  As he fell to the ground, Bob ran towards his motorcycle.  By the time the man stood up, Bob had speed away down Boughton Road.

Bob is member of the Bolingbrook Punch a Nazi club, one of what he claims to be a growing number of similar clubs in the Chicagoland area.  He and others claim to have been inspired by videos of a masked man punching white supremacist Richard Spencer.

“Why punch them?  Because they’re Nazis!  We fought a war against them!  We charged them with war crimes.  We watch movie heroes fight them.  We play videos games where we try to kill them.  Now you want me to be nice to them because President (Steve Bannon) is in charge?  (Expletive Deleted) you!  They can call themselves Alt-Right or Racial Realists all they want.  They’re Nazis and they started the Holocaust!  That’s all the justification I need!”

Officially, Chicagoland police departments have no record of these clubs, or of any organized attacks against white supremacists.  Unofficially, police sources claim that there are now over 100 such clubs and over 300 white supremacists/nazis have been assaulted.

“They’re spreading like a real life meme,” said one anonymous official.  “It hasn’t been this bad since the Harlem Shake epidemic.  It’s open season on Neo-Nazis.  Why can’t they just write blog posts instead of breaking the law?”

In addition to Nazis, not everyone supports the growth in the number of Punch a Nazi clubs in Chicagoland.

Paul X. Klein, a spokesperson for the <insert name> group, says punching Nazis doesn’t work.  “Cracked has a great article about this.  They’re the greatest skeptical publication out there.  Anyway, I’ll paraphrase.  Richard Spencer and his friends want you to hit them.  It does three things.  It creates the public perception that they’re victims and makes the other side look like criminals.  It also strengthens the resolve of other neo-Nazis.  They see themselves as the defenders of Western Civilization against a violent horde.  Attacking them confirms their biases, and you don’t want that.  Finally, do you really want a criminal record? Assault is illegal.”

“Besides,” added Natalie, who refused to give her last name, “Nazis and Communists fought each other during the Weimar Republic era. You remember how that turned out.  Instead, we think the best way to fight them is to have a rational conversation with them.”

In the front of the meeting room, skeptic Earl and Stormfront forum member Hektor, began to debate. Members of Bolingbrook skeptics watched.

Earl, wearing a pirate outfit and a pasta colander on his head, concluded his opening statement.  “There is no such thing as biological human races.  We are all members of one human species that is connected to all animal species, and we are made of star-stuff, as Carl Sagan used to say.  There are more important things to hate, like homeopathy.”

Hektor started his speech.  “Many years ago, I wouldn’t have been allowed here.  Today, you guys have proven that my ideas are worthy of debate.  If you look past the cultural Marxism that dominates science literature, and only look at the real science, you’ll see that races are real.  If the white race is to survive, we need to filter out the all the defective genes.”  Hektor walked up to Earl, followed by a man holding a video camera.  “Especially the genes that James Randi carries!”  Hektor then pointed at his chin.

Earl turned red.  He then closed his eyes and repeatedly said, “I am awesomely rational.  I am rationally awesome.”

A member of the Skokie Punch a Nazi club, who asked to be called Elton, disagrees with the Bolingbrook Skeptics.  “Education can work, like the Illinois Holocaust Museum, but we have to do more.  Nathan Hevenstone has it right:  People in this country who call for any kind of ethnic cleansing shouldn’t feel safe.  They think Trump will protect them, but they’re wrong.  If you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my activism. Go read Stephanie’s post.”

Elton walked around Old Orchard Mall, occasionally yelling, “Down with the Z.O.G!”

After several moments, a man runs up to Elton and points to his Pepe pin.

“I hate the Zionist Occupational Government of Skokie so—”

Elton hit him in the mouth with an elbow, then ran away.  The man fell to the ground and spit out some of his teeth.  “My perfect aryan teeth!” he cried.

A police officer walked up to him.  “Arrest that man.  He attacked a pure white American.  He attacked me because I disagree with the existence of Jews!”

The officer pulled out a notepad.  “I will, but after I write you a ticket for littering.”

Natalie feels that while violence against bigotry is necessary sometimes, it should only be used as a last resort.  “As long as we can protest, organize community groups, post on social media, and vote, we owe it to ourselves to try those options first.  Like my martial arts teacher used to say, the best brawl is no brawl.  Because once you turn to violence, so many things can go wrong.”