Sources: American Atheists to relaunch Atheist TV as Atheist TV+ (Fiction)


Atheist TV +

Is this the new logo for Atheist TV?

Atheist TV will be relaunched, state sources with relatives of acquaintances connected to the staff.

One source, who asked to be called Steve, explained.  “We kind of dropped the ball the first time we launched Atheist TV.  We were mostly showing old videos.  You can’t build a network around that.  Even TV Land has original programs.  We hit a low point when a Vice reporter made fun of our launch party.”

Another source, who asked to be called Mandy, explained what the new approach to Atheist TV will be: “We need to be more like Netflix.  That means more original programing.  Original stuff will draw new viewers who will then check out the old videos. That will be a plus for all atheists.”

The sources agreed that Atheist TV, which will be rebranded as Atheist TV+, will initially be anchored by five programs. Three of these will be brand new.  The two established programs will be Atheist Talk and The Atheist Experience.  Atheist Talk will be a live simulcast of the radio program.  The Atheist Experience will be a special live Sunday stream.  The Atheist Experience will also maintain its current schedule, according to the sources.

The three new shows, which will be funded by an anonymous donor, will be a talk show, a drama, and a reality TV series.

The talk show will be called “Godless Guns” and will be hosted by AA President David Silverman.

“This is part of our outreach to conservative atheists,” said Mindy.  “Not all atheists are liberal or progressive. We have an obligation to reach out to conservatives and libertarians too.”

Mindy provided a partial transcript.

***

David (Wearing two gun holsters):  Hello, and welcome to Godless Guns, where we express our atheism like we wear our guns:  Openly!  I’m your moderator David Silverman.  Tonight, my panel and I will be debunking David Barton while test firing the M249!

***

The second show will be produced in partnership with the Secular Student Alliance, and will be called “Secular High: The New Class”.

“There’s more to teenagers than overthrowing dystopian governments,”  said Mindy.  “They have their own problems and needs, especially atheist teens.  We’re creating a dramatic show that teens can both relate to and learn from.  Every episode will feature a member of the SSA’s Speakers Bureau who will teach the characters a very important lesson.  It will be like an after school special, only you can view it any time you like!  As any teen would say, ‘That’s awesome!’”

***

*The Secular Student club gathers after hearing the results of the student government election.*

Pauline:  How could Tommy win?  He’s a Christian bully.  Not only are we going to lose our funding, he might revoke our club’s charter.

Henry:  Ben could have won, but Helen cheated!

Pauline:  She did not cheat!  Ben was a bad candidate and he smelled.

Henry:  He was great!  Helen is no different from Tommy.

Don:  Are you stupid?  Helen supported us.  Tommy says he’ll make the school great again by kicking atheists, Muslims and knitting clubs off campus.

Henry:  Watered-down Christianity is just as bad a fundamentalist Christianity!  She shouldn’t have run a bad campaign.  At least he’ll shake things up.

Don:  When you shake things up, they can break!  The teachers stole the election!  We should have a student uprising!

Cindy:  Don, Helen lost because you voted for your girlfriend Jenny!

Don:  I couldn’t vote against her!

Pauline:  Helen only needed one more vote to win.  She didn’t get it.

Mike:  The principal’s at fault.  He called Helen into her office right before the voting started!  That made her look bad.

Henry:  She is bad, and she should be locked up in detention.

Cindy:  How could you vote for a man who wants to personally monitor the girl’s locker room?

*All the students blame each other*

*The faculty sponsor claps her hands*

Teacher:  Students!  It’s very hard whenever you lose such an important election.  It’s also very tempting to blame others for losing.  That’s why I’ve brought in a very special guest from the Secular Student Alliance to help us.

*Speaker walks in.*

Students:  OMG!  It’s Miri!  From The Orbit!

***

Mindy says the Atheist TV+ staff had a long debate before selecting their reality program.

“We wanted drama and we wanted it to be about atheism.  Now there’s already too much of the wrong kind of drama in the atheist community.  So we had to reject several pitches, including a good Mixed Martial Arts contest.  We noticed that extreme survival programs are popular.  Then PZ Myers wrote a couple of blog posts that got people more upset than usual.  So we had an idea.”

***

*Somewhere near the Minnesota/Canadian border.  In the middle of a blizzard*

Announcer:  At the intersection of atheism and survival, twelve men will accept a challenge.

*PZ Myers is in the middle of the woods with 12 white males*

PZ: Out here, you are on your own.  I selected all twelve of you because each of you believes yourselves to be evolutionarily superior because you are either white, male, atheist, or all three.  Let’s see if that’s true.  I have a prize for the person who can last 12 days out here.  My friends will test each of you, and nature will try to kill all of you.  I believe that all 12 of you are representative of the modern atheist movement.  But only one of you can represent Ice Cold Atheism!  Are you ready?

Contestant:  Bring it on you (Derogatory word deleted)!  We’ll show you the power of K!

Announcer:  Identities will be tested.

Contestant 1: You tried to steal my blanket!  You’re a thief!

Contestant 2:  No I’m not.  I’m a practitioner of enlightened self-interest!

Announcer:  Odd alliances will be formed.

*A bearded man walks into the camp holding a stack of newspapers*

Bearded Man:  Hello.  My name is S, pound sign, comma—

Contestant 1: Thank you for the papers!  The fire was getting low.  (Walks towards the fire and starts tossing papers in.)

Bearded Man:  Wait!  There are articles on PZ Myers!

Contestant 2:  Sir, the atheist movement has moved beyond the rifts, and now we’re focused on being awesome—

Bearded Man:  I found new rumors about PZ.

Contestant 3:  New rumors about PZ?  SAVE THE PAPERS!

Announcer:  Difficult decisions will be made.

Dan Fincke: Some say Ice Cold Atheism requires its followers to make hard choices without hesitation.  Let’s find out.  As you noticed, your fire has mysteriously gone out.

Contestant 2:  S-s-so cold.

Dan:  I will supply you with logs and matches, but for the kindling, you must make a choice.  *pulls off a black cover from a table*  Before you are four books.  The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, God is not Great by Christopher Hitchens, The End of Faith by Sam Harris, and Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali.  Which book will you burn?

*The contestants look on in shock and horror.  Contestant 4 steps forward*

Contestant 1:  What are you doing?

Contestant 4:  Nothing is sacred, remember?  These books are just like any other books.

Contestant 1:  That’s like saying men are just like any other gender.  Get real!

Announcer:  And temptations will be offered.

*The contestants walk up to a large blue tent.*

Contestant 2:  Can’t. Feel. My. Toes.

*Nica walks out.*

Nica:  Shabbat shalom.  My name is Nica, and I’m from the International Institute for Secular Humanistic Judaism.  All of you look so cold! It’s a good thing we just happened to set a tent here.  Come join us for a special shabbat service and warm up.  Then you can enjoy our Oneg!  We’ll have tea and matzo ball soup!

Contestant 5:  Wait!  It’s a trap!

Nica:  What?

Contestant 5:  There’s no such thing as atheist jews!

Contestant 6: David Silverman says so!

Nica:  But I honor Jewish traditions, and I don’t believe in God.

*Contestant 2 falls to his knees and cries*

Contestant 2:  I want hot soup!

Announcer:  Ice Cold Atheism.  Coming soon to Atheist TV+

***

Mindy expects AtheistTV+ to relaunch in the spring.

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