The network grows! (Non-Fiction)

I’d like to join PZ in welcoming four new bloggers to Freethought Blogs:

  • Andreas Avester. You may have noticed them commenting around these parts, and now they’re doing an art & philosophy & politics & social justice blog.

  • Impossible Me. Another familiar face: Abbeycadabra, writing about social justice, mental health and trans issues, broadcasting from her lair in Canada.

  • From the Ashes of Faith. Megan is a long-time blogger who is new to us, writing about mental health & parenting & atheism, naturally.

  • Scalpen. Raniel Ponteras is coming to us from the Philippines, and will be writing about the history of science and medicine.

I enjoyed reading their applications and writing samples, and I encourage my readers to check out their new blogs here.

If you want to blog here, read the About FtB section for details.  If you do apply, I want to stress that it is important to provide samples of your writing.  In my case, I only wrote the minimal information on my application, but I had years of posts at the Babbler’s old site for FtB’s members to judge.

It is a privilege to be here, and I am enjoying my time here.  I hope our new bloggers will feel the same way as well.

Note: Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.

Hackers from parallel universe hack into Village of Bolingbrook servers (Fiction)

Two hackers from a parallel universe hacked into the Village of Bolingbrook’s systems.

“Don’t worry,” said Blake, an IT staffer.  “They didn’t touch the garbage fee or property tax databases.  As far as we’re concerned, that’s a win for us.”

According to anonymous sources, many employees at Village Hall started receiving mysterious instant messages asking them to click on a link.  Those who clicked on the link were locked out of their applications.  A message then appeared telling them to wait for a “cool veedo (sic) call.”

“At first I thought it was a Russian ransomware attack,” said Blake.  “But when we disconnected the servers from the Internet, employees were still getting messages.  It was like the hack was coming from within our own system.”

While the Bolingbrook police started investigating people who didn’t click on the link, Alice, another IT staffer, worked on finding the source of the IMs.  “Sometimes I would find a compromised account, but I couldn’t see the activity on that account.  Then I would see activity but couldn’t trace it to an account.  It was like dealing with a quantum probability wave.”

After an hour, the hackers started a group chat.  Two masked Girl Scouts appeared in the chat window.  One of them sat in a chair and held a tablet.  The other one looked into the camera.

“Hello,” said the standing Girl Scout.  “We are the Naughty Ninjas.  We have taken over your computers.  You must give us all of your Polly Pocket toys, or you’ll be sorry!”

“Thank you,” said the other scout.  She started giggling.

“What?” asked the standing scout.  She leaned over the other scout, then turned red.  “You freed their computers, in exchange for a cat picture?”

The sitting scout nodded vigorously.

“Seriously?” said the standing scout.  “Give me that!”

The two girls tugged on the tablet for a few seconds before their troop leader walked on screen.  She said they were both naughty, and to leave the room.  Both girls pouted and walked out. The troop leader then looked into the camera and gasped.

“Jackie!  The girls did something!”

A woman who resembled Will County Trustee Jackie Traynere walked into view.  Then she leaned towards the camera: “Hello.  Don’t panic.  I am the Mayor of Bolingbrook, but you can call me Jackie.  It seems that our naughty girl scouts used our quantum computer to hack into your system.  I’m sorry about that.  It’s only supposed to access other quantum computers across the multiverse.  We don’t mean you any harm.  We’re just trying to figure out how to plow snow without burying our cul-de-sacs and destroying mailboxes.  Sheldon, can you help.”

A man who resembled Trustee Sheldon Watts walked into view, wearing a Freedom From Religion Foundation polo shirt: “Don’t worry.  I’m going to fix it, so your reality is locked out from our search engine.  I really hope you have a Richard Dawkins in your universe.  He turned my life around.”

“What’s this?” asked Traynere.  “It’s a message from Roger.  Oh my goodness.  Mayor Grumpy Pants is your universe’s mayor.”  She read another message, then replied: “Oh in our universe, you were defeated in 2001 by Mayor Ed Rosenthal.  That crazy golf club idea was too much to take.  Instead, we built a park and outdoor concert venue.  We’re hosting Ribfest next year.  Just imagine how embarrassing it would have been if Romeoville had outbid us.”

A man who resembled Trustee Michael Carpanzano quickly walked into view.  Traynere pointed at the camera and said: “Look.  We’re getting a text message from another universe.”

The man read the message.  “Really?  That low number is Bolingbrook’s  all-time high S&P rating in your universe?”

“They built the golf club.”

“Ah.  Well, I always like to see the positive side of things.  So, I’m glad you cleaned up your mess, alternative universe Roger.  Oh, Sheldon is about to disconnect us from your universe forever.  So, let me wish you the best of luck, and remember: A united Bolingbrook is the best kind of Bolingbrook.”

The video chat ended.

“That is one strange universe,” said Alice.

When reached for comment, Claar made some unprintable comments before saying: “Once the Supreme Court ends Congressional harassment of our president, you’d better hope they don’t overturn Hustler Magazine v. Falwell!”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar threatens to arrest alien cannabis couriers
Peotone UFO Base bans alcohol sales
Village renews Santa’s home-entry license
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/19/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Tuning out YouTube? (Non-fiction)

There’s a YouTube Walkout going on from 12/10 to 12/13 to protest YouTube’s changing their terms of service.  Great American Satan explains:

They’ve dropped some fucking egregious new terms of service, promising to delete any channel they deem commercially unviable. Since the videos disproportionately affected by this are producers of LGBT and progressive content, you know what this is really about.

Marcus Ranum writes more YouTube’s problematic aspects:

The ad-stream feeds into the unpleasant reality that it sells time to be a political platform. I.e.: whoever has money for ads now has a platform. So much for the early internet idea of making data equal. Thank corporate capitalists for that. Meanwhile, they can figure out how to deliver the ads, bill them correctly to their originator, but can’t be arsed to ban the ones that are obvious bullshit. That gives politicians wiggle-room to wring their hands and whinge about how their important message needs to be protected but the other guy’s needs to be silenced.

New FtB blogger Abbey adds some good points too:

Businesses are generally conservative, big business more so, ergo “sensitive topics” is… queer rights, sex workers’ rights, BLM, climate change, etc. Anything challenging the patriarchal status quo. Meanwhile, stuff that doesn’t make them uncomfortable – which includes transphobic and homophobic “jokes”, “race realism”, anti-semitglobalism, and so on –falls obviously under “free speech”.

I’ve active on the Internet since the early 1990s.  (Anyone remember ISCABBS?)  I remember concerns about the threat of the then rising commercialization of the Internet to the free exchange of information.  What is going on at YouTube is an example of what many back then feared could happen.  For the most part, I don’t expect YouTube to ban videos that they feel don’t earn them enough money.  Instead, I expect that they’ll continue to remove videos and ban users that bring negative attention to YouTube.  Consider the size and reach of YouTube, and its parent company Alphabet, that can be a problem.  Especially for marginalized voices in our society. I wish I had the answer, but I do acknowledge the problem.

Web Exclusive: Aliens celebrate after Village of Palatine votes to allow sale of cannabis (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base celebrated moments after the village board voted to allow the sale of cannabis.

Hundreds of aliens, who watched the meeting on a monitor, cheered after Mayor Jim Schwantz cast the tie-breaking vote.  Moments later, they started chanting, “420!”

“There is intelligent life in the northwest suburbs,” said Loapasgo, from Virgo.

“Any species can discover tools and war,” said Pogost, from Kepler-443b.  “A species that knows how to get high is a truly sentient species.”

Village Manager Reid Ottesen addressed the aliens by video chat:

“Do you guys promise not to fly while intoxicated?”

“We do.”

“Do you also promise not to get so stoned that you accidentally tell any Cook County elected officials you’re from outer space?”

“We do.”

“Then all of you are invited to the best UFO Base New Year party in Illinois!”

Ottesen confirmed that Sherman UFO Base will be the only UFO Base in Illinois that will allow the distribution and possession of cannabis:

“This will give Sherman a huge competitive advantage over a certain UFO base in Bolingbrook. Legal recreational drug use should be up to each individual visitor, and not dictated by the whims of a mayor.”

He also added that aliens will be restricted to using cannabis dispensaries that will open in the North Rand Road corridor.

“We already have an entrance in that area.  All they have to do is park their spacecraft, and walk to the dispensary of their choice.  We’ll give every alien a drug test before they leave.  If they’re still under the influence, we’ll give them time to recover.  No one will be arrested.”

Goklockdock, who asked that we not name her planet, said that she will do business at Sherman UFO Base instead of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base:

“My planet’s atmosphere is 5% THC.  At Clow UFO Base, I had to fill out several forms to get THC pumped into my quarters.  Then (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would stop by and tell me sob stories about all the hoops he had to jump through just to get 2% THC in my quarters.  I had to donate to his interstellar campaign fund or his interstellar charity to get him to shut up.  Now I can stop here and buy my own THC and get the right concentration in my quarters.”

Loapasgo also plans more visits to Palatine:

“I used to think of suburbs as populated by frightened human breeders.  You know the kind of humans that say ‘Oh, do not build something I do not understand in my backyard.  I’m scared it will affect the resale value of my home.  Oh no!  Do not build new transportation routes into my community.  People with different skin complexion will come here.  Think of the offspring.’ This vote proves you suburban humans are changing for the better.”

No arrests were reported at Sherman UFO Base, but a Palatine resident claimed he saw an alien at Park Place Shopping Center:

“I was about to load my car when I saw this small thing run out of the mall.  It looked like a naked troll.  It kept saying ‘420’ over and over.  I got scared when it looked at me and stopped cheering.  After a while, it said: ‘You’re just having a bad trip.  I’m not real.’  Then it ran back into the mall.  It had what appeared to be some kind of computer on its wrist.  Maybe it was an alien.  If it is, then maybe I could be featured in the third season of Hellier.  Call me, Greg!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Clow UFO Base MMA Match between Mayor Claar and former V.P. Joe Biden ends in draw (Fiction)

By Reporter X

An impromptu mixed martial arts match between Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and Vice-President Joe Biden ended in a draw.

“I know I saw it,” said Zoydois, who asked that her planet not be identified.  “I just cannot grok what I saw.”

According to eyewitnesses, Biden was at Clow UFO Base for a fundraiser hosted on his behalf by some members of the so-called One Percent.  Claar accosted Biden and demanded to know how he gained access to Clow.  Biden replied that he was invited and simply walked in.

“You’re a member of the New World Order,” snapped Claar.  “Members of the New World Order need authorization from Illinois Master Councilor and myself.”

“I’m also a member of the Illuminati.”

“What?”

“Yeah.  I joined the New World Order when they broke off from the Illuminati, but I also kept paying my membership dues to the Illuminati.  So, I have just as much right to be here as you do.”

“How’s that possible?”

“I like working with both secret societies, just like I working with Republicans as well as Democrats.  That’s why I’m leading in the polls!  —Which is why we’re going to be working together once Trump is removed from office.”

“Like hell we are!”

The two argued for several minutes.  Claar was insisting that dual membership was impossible, and Biden was insisting that “Pop Tart” gave him permission.  

Finally, Claar had enough: “Let me spell it out for you.  We.  Do.  Not.  Like.  You!  We want to destroy you and your Democrat party—”

“Democratic—”

“I am Bolingbrook!  In Bolingbrook, its Democrat Party and (Hunter Biden) is corrupt.”

He is not corrupt and if you weren’t so beholden to your (expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“Nobody calls The Donald—”

“(expletive deleted) for brains President—”

“That does it, old man!  We’re stepping into the ring!”

“You’re the one sounding like an old man!  Young people fight in the octagonal—”

“Octagon!” 

“Call it what you want, Roger.  I’ll kick your ass in it!”

Despite frantic pleading from their advisors, both men geared up and entered an Octagon in one of Clow’s gymnasiums.  

“Bipartisan means doing everything Republicans want,” said Claar.  “So, if you want to be bipartisan, you’ll let me smash your face!”

“Bipartisanship means keeping radical Democrats in check.  You’ll understand once I beat the Trump out of you!”

When the bell rang, both men charged at each other.  Each was throwing wild punches and unbalanced kicks at the other.  After several seconds, both men ended up grappling on the ground.

“What kind of name is Hunter?” asked Claar.

“What kind of person names their child after a stoner rocker?”

“Her name isn’t Lindley!”

“I said her real name!”

“No, you didn’t!  Are you losing your mind?”

“When I get my hands free, I’ll sunset you!”

The referee separated the two men and told them to stand up.  Both were too exhausted to stand up.  The referee called the match a draw and allowed medical teams to treat them.

“They didn’t do any permeant harm to each other,” said Dr. Susan Alberts.  “They just needed fluids and skin sealer to get back to normal.”

Surrogates for both sides tried to spin the results of the fight:

“God spared Roger from serious harm,” said Trustee Sheldon Watts.  “That means if you want to be good with Jesus, you need to be good with Roger.”

Julia Z. Pinsker offered her talking point:  “The Democrats need a Presidential Nominee that will not only appeal to African Americans, and conservative whites, they need a nominee who is willing to fight.  Joe Biden today proved that he is willing to fight anyone, including Trump mayors and clueless retired farmers!”

Also in the Babbler:

Edgar County Watchdogs request FOIA transcripts from DuPage Township Trustee’s bathroom chats
Atheist Alliance International leader denies inappropriately touching an angel
Bolingbrook’s Alien Raiders win Solar System Football Championship
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/10/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

Essence of Thought on the Anti-Theism International Convention (Non-fiction)

Essence of Thought has a new video out about next year’s Anti-Theism International Convention. EOT’s video is titled “A Decade Later And The Secular Community Still Has A Predator Problem.”

So for those of you unaware, the Anti-Theism International Convention 2020 is an event that will be taking place in the UK, to which accused sexual harasser and decade long Jeffrey Epstein apologist Lawrence Krauss is a key speaker. [2] Now if that isn’t enough red flags for you, one of the key organisers is also John Richards, the Publications Director of Atheist Alliance International.

Full disclosure, until recently I used to work under John Richards as part of the Atheist Alliance International team. Myself and Udita had been brought on by a close friend in an effort to try and curtail the adoption of far-right fear-mongering into the secular community. However we resigned when AAI went ahead and created a new position to install David Silverman, another figure with multiple sexual harassment claims against him. [3]

I agree with the message of this video.  No organization, no matter anti-theist it may be, is not immune from its leaders abusing power, or from sexual predators.  There still need to be protections in place, not just for attendees at events, but in the governing structure of groups as well.  From what I’ve read, there seems to be very few, if any, protections.

I have helped organize secular events, and we’ve tried to make them as welcoming as possible.  It’s not easy, and we made mistakes, but we put in the effort because it would benefit both the attendees and the organization in the long run. It isn’t “mission drift,” and I hope the organizers learn that lesson.  I have my doubts, though.

‘We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!’: Mayor Claar sparks protests after changing Clow UFO Base’s holiday concert to a Christmas concert (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar enraged many attendees of the Clow UFO Base Holiday Concert by insisting that only Christmas music be played.

“We celebrate Christmas in Bolingbrook!” said Claar.  “We call it Christmas in Bolingbrook, and we don’t use this holiday nonsense!  So, I’m through being politically correct!  I’m changing this to a Christmas concert. If that triggers you, too bad!”

The announcement was followed by over five minutes of booing, objects thrown on stage, and three aliens projectile vomiting in Claar’s direction.

Claar was not moved: “Your rage only strengthens my resolve!”

Clow authorities ended up arresting 300 attendees, treating 179 for injuries, and issuing fines totaling over a billion interstellar credits. Officials compared the mayhem at this concert to the 1994 Industrial Holiday Concert headlined by My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult and Genitorturers.

“In 1994, Roger could blame his planning staff for that disaster,” said one official who asked not to be identified.  “This time it’s all on Roger.  I don’t know why he felt the need to change the theme at the last minute.”

Another anonymous official blames Fox News: “Roger’s been watching a lot of Fox News lately.  I heard him claiming that liberals have started a war on Thanksgiving. Then he said he needed to save Christmas from his ‘foes.’  Just between you and me, things have been getting out of hand around here since the impeachment hearings started.”

While most of the performers honored the Christmas music-only theme, a few of them rebelled.  Members of Blue Star, a band from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, walked on stage wearing Blue Santa outfits.  The lead singer told the audience: “We heard that on your planet, the Hebrew word for Christmas is Hanukah.  They also celebrate it over eight nights.  So let’s get into the holiday spirit!”

The band then started playing “Hava Nagila.”  Claar then ordered band members arrested for disorderly conduct.

“You know damn well that song has nothing to do with Christmas or the birth of Christ,” Claar said over the public address system.

“Even I know Christmas had nothing to do with your false prophet!” countered the lead singer.  

As the band members were dragged off stage, the drummer yelled in Hebrew: “Move to the Promised Worlds! All the Milk and Honey you can eat.  None of the occupied territories!”

The publicist for the band explained that the drummer meant that planets settled by the Lost Tribes of Israel were never home to civilizations or intelligent beings.   

Later in the show, a man in a fireproof suit ran on stage and poured a liquid on himself.

“The only holiday worth celebrating is HumanLight!” he yelled before setting himself on fire.  

Security doused the flames and arrested the man.  They pulled off his head covering and revealed him to be Atheist activist David Silverman.

“Support Atheist Alliance International!” he yelled.  “I need the money!”

As he was dragged away, Silverman repeatedly yelled the word “Red!”

“That’s not the safe word,” replied Claar.

Near the end of the show, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz walked on stage holding a metal pole. He stated:

“I have a grievance.  Once a month I have to deal with a man who thinks he’s better than a king and thinks anyone who opposes him is not a real resident.”

“Get to the Christmas part or get off the stage,” snapped Claar.

“Okay, Roger.  Friends, for those of us who celebrate Christmas, it’s a time when we wish for world peace and for everyone to just get along.  So, in that spirit, I’d like to invite two people on to the stage.”

Representative Bill Foster and his primary challenger, Will County Board member Rachel Ventura, walked on to the stage.  Foster then stared at a teleprompter.

“Gee Rachel,” said Foster, who didn’t look at Ventura and had no emotion in his voice.  “We’ve been fighting for all these months.  In the spirit of Christmas, let’s try to be nice to each other.”

Ventura frowned: “I’m only reading this because it will help me unite the Democratic party after I send you into retirement.  ‘Gee Bill, you’re right.  Let’s enjoy the evergreen trees and make a new deal.’  Bob!  Tell me you didn’t write this.  Right?”

Jaskiewicz laughed:  “Now we’re going to sing a song.  But we’re going to need some help and she’s coming on stage right now.”

Yoko Ono walked on stage and waved.  Many aliens stopped fighting with security and cheered.  Ono, along with Jaskiewicz, Foster, and Ventura, started singing “Happy Xmas (War is over.)”  Soon the entire audience started singing along.

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler stumbled onto the stage and joined the singing.  Trustee Mary Basta then ran up to Lawler and started singing.  A hologram of Claar appeared on the stage and motioned for them to get off the stage.

After the song, Ono thanked the audience: “I want to end all wars in the galaxy.  Do you?”

The aliens cheered.  Ono then started singing her current interstellar hit song, “Ack!”  

Claar covered his ears and complained to his guest in his skybox about aliens’ taste in Earth music.

Also in the Babbler:

Alyssia Benford spotted measuring Mayor Claar’s office
Ten-Thousand-year-old cat revived then wants to be outside
Mayor Claar threatens to arrest Toter marchers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/6/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group

It’s settled! The Richard Carrier lawsuit is over (Non-fiction)

As PZ reported, Dr. Richard Carrier settled his remaining lawsuits against PZ Myers and Amy Frank.  Apparently, all it took was the threat of a countersuit to bring this to an end.  Carrier will not be paying the defendants’ legal bills, but you can still donate to their fundraising page. Stephanie Zvan’s post reporting the original allegations will remain online.  

The defendants were fortunate enough to have enough supporters to help with their legal bills.  Others aren’t so lucky when faced with a Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation.  The legal costs alone are enough to force publications to settle or avoid covering a story.  As John Oliver explained:

For now, I’ll celebrate this victory, and I look forward to forgetting about Richard Carrier again.  I’ll also try not to get too upset thinking about how the money spent on this case could have been put to better use.

Note: Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

The first Thanksgiving: Was it aliens? (Fiction)

While our webmaster is taking a well-deserved vacation, we’re going to post a video that has become a Thanksgiving tradition at the Babbler:  In this video, columnist Dale Onofrey asks questions about the Pilgrims and the first Thanksgiving:

We wish all of our readers a safe Thanksgiving while pondering Dale’s questions.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Mayor Claar tells Congressional committee that Trump wanted him to investigate Biden family (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar admitted before the House Appropriations Sub-subcommittee on Nail and Thumbtack Spending that President Trump asked him to investigate the Biden family.

“He said he was willing to spare Clow UFO Base,” Claar reluctantly said, “in exchange for dirt on Joe Biden.”  Claar quickly added: “I never told the President that I would tell a big lie for him.”

“Did you mention the possibility of small lies?” – asked Representative Brad Schneider.

“I’ll take the fifth with some Jack with a coke,” replied Claar.

The sub-subcommittee, which oversees all US Government UFO spending and Interstellar policy, subpoenaed Claar as part of its impeachment investigation into Donald Trump.  Claar replied that the President told him not to honor the subpoena because “his Supreme Court was going to declare Congress unconstitutional”. Claar then added that because he had a book deal with an interstellar publisher, he also had “Book Deal Immunity.”

“Book Deal immunity applies to self-published books as well as traditionally published books.  Testifying before the committee will deny me the opportunity to pursue happiness, which is unconstitutional.  The government does not have the right to compel spoilers!”

The members of the Sub-subcommittee flew to Clow UFO Base and booked a meeting room.  A Martian Colonial battleship then beamed Claar from his office at Village Hall.

Beth, who asked that we not use her last name, saw Claar as he was being abducted:

“He flipped off the space craft and said: ‘I’ll talk, but you won’t like what I have to say.’  He was not in a good mood.”

Once in the meeting room, Claar refused to be sworn in, and made several unprintable comments about the “Democrat Party Impeachment Witch Hunt.” When threatened with imprisonment by one Phobos, Claar laughed.  After the Martian Colonial Ambassador walked into the room, Claar stopped laughing and agreed to be sworn in. 

During the two hour hearing, Claar testified that Trump asked him 10 times for information on the Bidens.  Trump, according to Claar, explicitly threatened to cut off Clow funding if he did not conduct a favorable investigation.  Claar went on to say that Trump dropped his demands once the impeachment investigation started:

“He failed to commit a crime, therefore it’s not a crime, and this hearing is illegitimate.  Can I go back to work?”

Rep. Sean Casten asked Claar what his investigation found.  Claar replied that the former Vice-president only visited Clow UFO Base once, and accidentally called it “Cow UFO Base.”

“He corrected himself, and it was kind of funny.  Other than that, we’re unfortunately not aware of him doing anything illegal.”

The Sub-subcommittee’s Republican members harshly questioned Claar:

“Did you hear Trump say he was going to take away your funding?” asked Rep. Mike Simpson.

“Yes.”

“So we can call your evidence ‘hearsay,’ don’t you agree?”

“I guess.”

“So what are you doing providing hearsay evidence to this committee?”

“You’re behind the curve, Congressman.  Our current talking point is that Trump did nothing wrong.”

“My apologies, Roger.”

Congresswoman Martha Roby accused Claar of being a “Never-Trump Republican” and pretending to be a Trump supporter for political gain.

“Don’t you think a real Trump supporter would be consulting Stephen Miller about their community’s demographic problem?”

File photo of Mayor Claar at a Prakash Utsav celebration in Bolingbrook.

Claar denounced Roby: “I was a Republican before you were even born, and I will be a Republican when I die.  The only thing I gained from Trump was a close election.  Look, every real Bolingbrook resident loves me and I use that love to promote the Republican party.  In fact, I’m so loved that our local Sikh community made me a Turban, and I’m honored to have that title!  I think I’m the first Republican Turban in Bolingbrook’s history!”

“Do you really—”

“Right now, the only thing I really care about is Trump staging a coup so we can get past this impeachment nonsense.”

After the hearing, Claar refused to comment to the press.

Schneider said Claar was helpful: “We suspected that Trump’s corruption extended to the stars, and Roger proved it.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook High School advances to the interplanetary football finals
Trustee Jaskiewicz accuses Claar of diverting funds to the wereskunks
Clow UFO Base will not change the name of its Holiday Concert
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.