DuPage Township ‘repossesses’ air generator from Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

A team of contractors hired by DuPage Township secretly removed an air generator from Clow UFO Base, thus escalating tensions between the township and the Village of Bolingbrook.

Township Supervisor Gary Marschke praised the actions of the “repossession team,” during a conference call with interstellar media outlets. Marschke claims that a previous township board bought the generator from the Village of Bolingbrook without soliciting bids. He added the Township has been paying to power and maintain the generator for years.

“The Village of Bolingbrook enjoyed free, fresh air in their pavilion at our expense! I guess the previous board was too busy suing each other to notice.”

According to Marschke, the Township sent a moving crew to remove the generator, but Clow security chased them away. Marschke said he had no choice to but hire a repossession crew to remove it.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta later read a short statement to the media disputing Marschke’s allegations:

“That generator was a gift from the Township to the Village. That means we use it and they pay for it. Make no mistake: Stealing our air generator is the second outrageous act by the township this year. The first was when (Township Administrator) Jackie Traynere took a vacation!”

Clow employees, who wished to remain anonymous, stated they believe a team of acrobats, actors, hackers, and street racers stole the generator from the Claar Cultural Pavilion. They also confirmed that the team didn’t use any explosives or weapons during the repossession/heist.

“They were really good,” said an anonymous security official. “I kept my eyes on the screens and they still snuck it out of Clow. Well, maybe I did take my eyes off the screen when an attractive person asked me what time it was. Who asks for the time when you can just look at your phone?”

The anonymous employees also confirmed they attempted to install an older generator in the Pavilion, but it exploded once it was turned on. The blast harmed no one.

Marschke said the Township sold the generator to the Venusian government for a profit, and intended to use the credits to fund programs to help alien youths and seniors.

“Maybe the mayor can ask (Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) to use his interstellar campaign fund to buy a new generator.”

Claar’s personal assistant said he was negotiating with a printer to publish his self-help book Quit While You’re Ahead, and Don’t be Quiet About It.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled: “I know you’re locked inside this building. I’ve been calling and emailing you guys for two months! No one answers me. That’s unacceptable. Don’t you know who I am? I’m the Mayor Emeritus of Bolingbrook!”

Someone replied, “And we’re IngramSpark and we don’t care!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow to allow aliens to visit Bolingbrook during Halloween
Awake Illinois to print ‘corrected edition’ of the Bible
‘America’s Next Celebrity Atheist’ to film in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/6/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Sample from the Audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook (non-fiction)

The cover of Pathways to BolingbrookI finally figured out how to post an audio sample from my current audiobook, Pathways to Bolingbrook. It’s a collection of two paranormal/contemporary fantasy stories that kick off The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories series. Rachanee Lumayno narrates both stories. It features Sara, who also appears in The Rift, and Miriam, who will be featured in future works.

It’s also available in eBook and paperback. For a limited time, you can get a copy when you subscribe to my author newsletter.

 

 

 

Being an author this week (Non-fiction)

This week I’m working on an exclusive short story for my newsletter subscribers. Years after the events in Pathways to Bolingbrook, Miriam is now a vampire named Lydia. While investigating why an army of weredeer is gathering outside of Bolingbrook, Lydia crosses paths with Sara, now the editor of the Babbler. But she isn’t the only one who’s taken an interest in Sara. Can Lydia protect Sara from a threat that’s even more dangerous than the gathering weredeer?

I’m hoping to have it ready in October. If you want to make sure you catch the debut, subscribe to my newsletter. And the other books in the series, Pathways to Bolingbrook, and The Rift are on sale at Amazon and other vendors. Back to my other screen!

Governor Ron DeSantis diverts thousands of Betelgeuse refugees to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis diverted over 150,000 Betelgeuse refugees to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. Clow officials confirmed that is far more refugees than Clow can safely shelter.

At a press conference with members of the interstellar media, Clow officials accused DeSantis of refusing to house any refugees in their 5 Floridian bases. They also produced communication logs proving that DeSantis never contacted Clow officials about his planned diversion.

Sofia Z. Hernandez, Director of Refugee Affairs for Clow, denounced DeSantis’s diversion of refugee transports: “He did this to trigger people. Well, I am triggered. Not by the overwhelming number of refugees he sent to us, but by his incredible incompetence!”

Many refugees claim DeSantis promised them that Clow would provide them with free human suits, free meals, and jobs.

“This governor human said Bolingbrook was a land of blue milk and green honey,” said Klego, a refugee with three children. “Instead, we were received by crews yelling obscenities and saying we were given counterfeit chips. All because DeSantis  didn’t want us landing in his arbitrary political district.”

Lopost, a starship commander, is furious with DeSantis: “We have been through so much trauma. My wife was incinerated when she tried to rescue one more of our eggs. I was barely able to pilot my ship through the shockwave. My passengers are in shock. We are suffering, and this DeSantis human used us as currency to fuel his own political base. We are living beings, not invaders. We were going to share our cold fusion technology with humanity, but not any more.”

Though DeSantis is a member of the Illuminati, the leadership denies sanctioning the diversion.

“(Ron DeSantis) has some balls to try and inflict chaos on our sacred society,” said US Master Councilor Graphite Fire. “We need to maintain good relations with the Interstellar Commonwealth if we want to gain control of all of Earth’s UFO Bases. Ron’s stunt is damaging our galactic reputation. We look like bumbling sociopaths, not bringers of righteous chaos! He will pay for this.”

Clow officials released a recording of a conversation between Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Governor DeSantis, which included this tense exchange:

Alexander-Basta: You should have called us before diverting all these refugees to Clow. You know we have a process for dealing with refugees, right?

DeSantis: I don’t care. I saw an opportunity to make little people like you squirm at all the icky aliens polluting your base!

Alexander-Basta: They’re not icky!

DeSantis: Then why are you complaining?

Alexander-Basta: Because we thought you were going to honor your commitment to house these refugees.

DeSantis: Illegals.

Alexander-Basta: Refugees. They’re here legally. Now if you had told us you were diverting them here, we would have been better prepared. Fortunately, other visitors are volunteering to help, along with the students in Humanoid Corrective Learning. We’re coming to together to help—

DeSantis: But you’re also complaining—

Alexander-Basta: I’m complaining about the mess you made.

DeSantis: I don’t create messes. I create problems for my opponents to make me look better. Now you better change your attitude, miss, because I’m going to be the President.

Alexander-Basta: Seriously? You’re being inhumane because—

DeSantis: Because that’s what excites human Republican voters! While Donald is bumbling in court, I’m actively screwing over undesirables. The moment he’s indicted, he’ll be revealed as a sick bumbling fool, while I’m the man who has total control of Florida — Because I’m presenting myself as a man actively harming the undesirables. I know how to destroy democracies in less than one term in office. I am the Florida government, and I hurt, arrest, threaten, humiliate, and destroy anyone in the name of entertaining my supporters. So you’d better start sucking up to me before I start sucking the life out of your village! 

Alexander-Basta: What is it about Florida that brings out the worst in men?

DeSantis: Unlimited power, but I’ll make sure you never have that.

Alexander-Basta: I can’t hear you. We have a bad connection. You need to come to my office and say that to my face.

*DeSantis ends the call*

DeSantis could not be reached for comment. 

The ambassadors from Mercury and Venus confirmed that they will house most of the refugees, and Clow should resume normal traffic in a week or two.

Also in the Babbler:

Interstellar court rules Rep. Sean Casten’s re-election campaign is not a slanderous attack against Keith Pekau
SAFE-T Act does not allow aliens to eat police officers
Weredeer endorse Catalina Lauf against Rep. Bill Foster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/21/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

The Rift is on sale this week (Non-Fiction)

Cover of The Rift

The Rift is on sale.

From now until the end of Friday, you can get the eBook version of The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story for $.99.

The Rift is an urban fantasy/sci-fi novel inspired by the Deep Rifts/Elevatorgate. A public rift has erupted within the atheist/skeptical movement. Pro-social justice skeptics are rallying to form Humanist Heart as a progressive alternative two the two establishment organizations. Mens Rights Activists and so-called moderates are rallying against what they claim is a feminist takeover of “their” movement.  Blogger Tom Larsen is a rising star known for his posts portraying “modern feminists” as a threat to the movement. He’s secretly mad at progressive podcaster Jamie Kyle for a video that indirectly criticized his behavior towards her at a convention. On the verge of becoming a full-fledged MRA, Tom discovers that Jamie and Humanist Heart will be in his hometown of Bolingbrook for a special congress. Tom is so desperate to confront Jamie that he’s willing to ally with  the Babbler, the local tabloid known for its wild paranormal claims about Bolingbrook.

But Tom’s worldview is shattered when his test assignment for the Babbler ends when a weredeer attacks him and he wakes up inside Clow UFO Base. The movement he defeated is built on a public lie. As Tom Lear not he truth, MRA protesters menacingly rally outside the congress. A weredeer army gathers outside of Bolingbrook. Time rifts open throughout Bolingbrook and the aliens have an assignment for Tom. Tom needs answers.  The Babbler and Jamie are the only ones who can help him. Can Tom get past his rage and face the unbelievable truth about the movement and himself before the rift unleashes a dark future for humanity?

Find out in The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story.

Cheney family honored at Rochelle’s Hub 35 UFO Base (Fiction)

It’s been a while since we featured an article from one of our sister publications. This week’s article comes from the Illinois Rochelle Reader.

During a special ceremony at Hub 35 UFO Base, the New World Order honored the Cheney family for their “pioneering work dismantling democracy in the name of democracy.”

Host Rep. Adam Kinzinger started off by praising former Vice-president Dick Cheney: “There was once a time the former Vice-president was considered the evilest human in the solar system. You know the reasons: Torture, stretching the truth in order to invade Iraq, botching the response to Katrina, ruling from the shadows, turning a blind eye to voter suppression in Ohio, and so on. Thirteen years later, he hasn’t changed, but the world has. Today, he’s considered a defender of democracy due to his daughter! Dick is proof that if you live long enough, you can become the hero.”

The former Vice-president proudly accepted the first certificate before addressing the audience: “Quite frankly, I’m surprised I’m still alive, but it must mean God’s not finished with me… Which means I’m not finished with the world.”

Former VP Chaney also acknowledged that he was speaking on 9/11. “Yeah, I shouldn’t have expected the President to pay attention to the daily intelligence brief. And the President reading The Pet Goat wasn’t the best visual. He knew I had things under control, but he could have pretended he was urgently needed. But it worked out in the end. We ended up with secret search warrants, mass surveillance, and two profitable wars for our friends. Thanks to the fear and anger caused by 9/11, the right people were in charge.”

The former VP then slammed former President Donald Trump: “He’s a  clueless amateur who has squandered all of our advancements. We were on the verge of a new world order, and he unleashed global chaos because there is no international crime he won’t commit! He had, and still has, no vision. He used our supporters’ anger to storm the capitol. We used it to destroy (The Chicks.) He’s so bad even the Illuminati kicked him out.”

Representative Liz Cheney graciously accepted her certificate: “After the insurrection, I sincerely thought Trump was going down. So I moved to reclaim my family’s rightful place as leaders of the Republican Party. That didn’t go quite as planned. It was painful to admit to myself that I wasn’t the kind of Chaney who could shoot someone in the face, and then have them apologize to the media for getting in the way of my bullet.”

Representative Cheney added that she isn’t finished: “I’m going to make a lot of money speaking out against Trump, and running a futile campaign against him. And then I’m going to invest that money on an oil rig on Europa. With the sole drilling rights on Europa, I’ll be the next Elon Musk, and ‘the Donald’ will regret the day he tried to kill me!”

Mary Cheney accepted her certificate and denounced Trump’s homophobic followers: “I worked hard for my wife, my children, my corporate jobs, and everything else a Cheney is entitled to. I will not be canceled by the Karens and Kens of the world who don’t know the difference between a pedophile and a pedagogue! The New World Order wants a world run by the right people pretending to be kinder and gentler than other autocrats. We may be down, but we’re not out, and we will rise again. E pluribus unum! Out of many, one, and we are the right ones.”

She also added that she looked forward to the day the NWO recaptured Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base from the Illuminati.

When called, a receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said, “Oh my God. The Babbler metastasized!”  

In the background, a young woman said, “Good news! Mark Leslie has agreed to write A Canadian Werewolf in Bolingbrook series. Now we’ve got a chance to recoup the losses from that Bolingbrook history book.”

A man replied: “I have good news too. Thanks to my positive thinking, and with a little help from the IT Department, I have made contact with the TikTok algorithm! We’ll dominate Booktok and hit the bestseller lists.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes. Watch. TikTok? How do we make a video go viral?”

A digital voice replied: “Make short videos. Make long videos. Do page flips. Don’t do page flips. Share on Instagram. Don’t share on Instagram. Share with your friends first. Share everywhere! Show your face! Use trending sounds. Use your own voice! Music! Music Music and silence! Don’t show your face. Delete Bots. Embrace your bots! Remove my logo! Don’t remove my logo. Follow everyone. Follow no one. Follow who you want to see. Follow who I want you to see. Community Guideline Violation! You lose!”

“I could have told you that,” said the woman.

Also in the Rochelle Reader:

Village board rejects funding for 9000-foot Trump statue
Aliens buzz residents with hypersonic golf carts
Walmart withdraws offer to buy Rochelle but not UHC
God to bless Rochelle on 9/17/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.

Brand new covers and a new audiobook.

Big book updates this week. First, the audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook is out now. It’s narrated by Rachanee Lumayno and you can hear a sample here. It should be on Amazon by the end of the month. I’m really pleased with it, and I hope you’ll give it a try.

To celebrate, I’m also debuting new covers for both of my books,  Pathways, and The Rift. The eBook and paperback version are available now at Amazon, and other vendors. You can even ask your local bookstore to order copies, and they won’t have to go through Amazon to get either one. If you like Urban Fantasy mixed with science fiction with a dash of humanism, give them a try!

The cover of Pathways to Bolingbrook

Cover of The Rift

I’ve got more releases in the works, including the third book in the series. Watch this space.

 

New book covers and the Pathways to Bolingbrook Audiobook (Non-Fiction)

I have book news!

First, the new audiobook version of Pathways to Bolingbrook will be out in September. Rachanee Lumayno is the narrator for this audiobook, and her work is far better than the auto-narrated version I had online. I’ll post links once I have them.

Second, I’m revising the covers for Pathways and The Rift so it’s clear they’re part of the same series. At the very least, the new Pathways will debut on September 1st. Here’s a sneak peek:

You can see it first if you subscribe to my author newsletter.

Third, I’m putting together two eBooks that will be newsletter exclusives. The first is a collection of pre-FtB Babbler and the second is a short story that is a direct sequel to Pathways. I’m shooting for a late-September or October release.

The next novel is in the outline stage, and I hope to start writing the first draft in November, if not sooner.

Web Exclusive: Chinese subterranean marines surface in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

A Chinese subterrene crewed by Chinese marines surfaced in Bolingbrook’s Americana Estates subdivision.

Dena, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she first saw a giant drill emerging from a vacant lot. She stated: “I was shocked. Then I thought it must be a tunneling drill, which meant we were getting an L stop! Then I saw the Chinese flag emblem on the side, and got worried.”

Peter Z. Lee, a new Bolingbrook resident, also saw the drilling vehicle emerge: “At first I thought the village was serious about tunneling, but then I saw the Chinese flag and the markings. That thing was with part of the PLA’s First Subterranean brigade.  I feared we were being invaded!”

According to Dena and other eyewitnesses, the craft rolled out of the hole and towards them. A hatch opened, and a marine armed with a QBZ-95 popped out. Most of the eyewitnesses fled when the marine started to point his gun.

Lee decided to stand in front of the drill. Instead of being shot, the marine looked around, then lowered his rifle. According to Lee, the marine said it didn’t look like they were in Taiwan. Lee replied that they were in Bolingbrook. The marine smiled and replied he was from Xuchang City, which is one of Bolingbrook’s sister cities.

“For a moment, I felt a weird brotherly bond with him. Then I remembered that technically, he had just invaded the US.”

The marine then pulled out a cell phone and told someone that they sent him the wrong coordinates.

“We’re supposed to be working together. I know it’s a war game, but how are we supposed to pull off the greatest amphibious invasion in history if you can’t tell the difference between the US and that occupied island?” 

After the call, the marine told Lee he would let him live if he promised not to tell the news media what happened.  Lee agreed, adding that he didn’t consider the Babbler news media. The subterrene then drove back into the hole and sealed the opening. Lee added that a Bolingbrook cleanup team arrived and restored the lot.

The Chinese consulate in Chicago released a statement saying the antipode of Bolingbrook is under the Indian Ocean and offered to provide “alternative news stories” to the Babbler.

A receptionist for Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “I’m only doing this so you’ll stop volunteer-shaming me.”

A woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta replied, “Whatever. This is an emergency, thanks to Amazon’s e-book return policy. I. Need. Your. Help.”

“I knew you could say it. So I just started a Zoom session with the goddess of self-publishing and self-marketing: Joanna Penn.”

Penn replied, “Thanks, but we need to get down to business. So, thanks to TikTok, you’re losing money on your book, Bolingbrook Does Have a History, correct?”

“Unfortunately,” Alexander-Basta replied.

“Fortunately, in self-publishing, it’s never too late to revive book sales. Now, how many sites is it on, besides Amazon?”

“There are other book sites?”

“Oh yes, but we’ll get to that later. Since it’s on Amazon, what Amazon categories is it listed under?”

“Categories?”

“That means Amazon selected them for you. We’ll work on that. Next, what keywords did you select?”

“‘Bolingbrook?’ I don’t know. It was published before I joined the board.”

“Fair enough. What’s your permafree book?”

“Permafree?”

“The free book you offer to entice readers to buy the rest of the books in the series.”

“Series?”

“Yes. The title says this is volume one. How many volumes do you have?”

“One.”

“That’s not good. When are you going to publish the next volume?”

“Probably 2065, since that will be Bolingbrook’s 100th anniversary.”

“Oh, that’s way too long to release the second book.”

“But that’s when Bolingbrook will have enough of a history to fill a second volume.”

“I suppose, but most self-publishers need to release more than one book before they turn a profit. So if you insist on waiting 43 years to publish the next book, you should consider publishing prequels or a parallel series. For that matter, how many people subscribe to your author newsletter?”

“None. Look, is there anything you can do now to help?”

“I might be able to optimize the ebook formatting to… Oh, dear. It’s all scanned images of newsletters and newspaper clippings.”

“Is that going to be a problem?”

“Yes. We have a lot of work to do.”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My book series, The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories, is now available on Amazon and elsewhere. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter.