Bolingbrook’s minor opposition parties respond to the 2019 State of the Village Address (Fiction)

Each year we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Bolingbrook’s Annual State of the Village Address, Of the major opposition parties, only Bolingbrook United sent a reply.  Bolingbrook First politely declined.  We also received replies from Bolingbrook’s minor opposition parties:  The Roger Claar Party, The Zero Tax Party, The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook, The Al Gore Party, and The Dog Catcher Party. 

The opinions expressed are those of the parties and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Babbler.

The Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar)

“A great mayor deserves a great party.”

Wow.  That was our first reaction to the speech.  Great things are happening in our village.  Would they have happened if Roger wasn’t our mayor?  We think not.  This is the best time to be a resident of Bolingbrook because we are living in the peak-Roger period!

Unfortunately, we know that Roger has never been fully supported by his Trustees, and this year is no different.  Bolingbrook First has abandoned him.  Will the First Party for Bolingbrook really put Roger first?  The sad reality is he is all alone in Village Hall.

Imagine if there were a political party that fully supported Roger.  Imagine trustees that threw themselves in front of politicians who tried to bother our residents at home.  Imagine trustees that would speak up every time the Anti-Roger tried to poison the discourse in Village Hall.

Now stop imagining.  We are that party.  

This could be Roger’s final term as Mayor.  We think a great parting gift would be a board filled with trustees who fully support him.  After all Roger has done for us, the least you can do is vote for the only party that is named after the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook.

The Zero Tax Party

“Zero taxes=infinite revenue”

Once again, Roger declined to abolish all taxes and fees in Bolingbrook.  He still subscribes to the dated belief that taxes generate revenue.

We, with our advanced understanding of quantum mathematics, know better.  When a body of government is formed and decides not to impose taxes, it will suddenly have infinite revenue.  This is the only logical conclusion of Supply Side Economics!

If you doubt us, then consider this.  How did the Park District cut taxes and suddenly have enough money to fund renovations to our playgrounds?  Quantum mathematics is the answer!

So if you want to live in a village without taxes and infinite funds to meet every resident’s needs, then vote for us!

The Atheist Party For Bolingbrook

“Keeping religion out of village hall”

It’s bad enough that you have to dress up and pay $70 to attend the State of the Village Address.  Did Roger really have to make it worse by including a prayer?

Religion has no place in this village.  Period.  It’s bad enough that we have to fill our strip malls with businesses that don’t generate sales taxes.  We also have to subsidize the tax-free churches infesting our village.  Residents complain of “negativity” and “divisiveness” whenever someone disagrees with the mayor about garbage toters.  They overlook the corrosive effect religion has on our village.  We are divided by at least 22 places of worship.  We agree with Christopher Hitchens:  Religion poisons everything!

Bolingbrook has succeeded in spite of its religious divisions, not because of them.  Some will argue that God made Bolingbrook great.  We ask this simple question:  Which one?  The God that favors descendants of Israel?  The God who thinks all violence is wrong?  The God who blesses armies?  The God who had a son?  The God who followed up on what his son said?

We won’t take religion out of your home, but we will it take out of village hall, and demand that religious institutions pay the same taxes as the hard-working residents of Bolingbrook.

You don’t need faith to know that Bolingbrook is great!

The Al Gore Party

“We were warned.”

Roger has done many great and not so great things for our village.  I think we can agree that he’s good at spending other people’s money.

We can debate what he has done, but it is more important to look at what is coming.  The climate that supported Bolingbrook’s growth is going away.  Climate change is a fact.  We need to prepare for this.

Climate change will mean Bolingbrook will face heavier rains in the spring, and more droughts in the summer.  Is it wise to subsidize a luxury golf course when this space could be used for another water retention lake?

As the demand for Lake Michigan water increases, will future mayors reward residents for maintaining their yards or reward them for conserving water?  Today our yards are expected to be covered with grass.  Will tomorrow’s yards be covered only with dirt instead?

Climate change may also cause the greatest domestic refugee crises since the dust bowl.  How will we deal with these refugees?  Today Trump’s USA rejects refugees from Mexico.  Will it reject refugees from Mexico, Missouri tomorrow?

We cannot keep debating how great Bolingbrook is or isn’t.  The climate of the past is gone.  We need to prepare for the new climate that is coming. If we are to be a great village in the future, we may need to make many serious changes to survive.

The Dog Catcher Party

“We will not resign.”

We understand that Bolingbrook is not an island.  We understand that non-residents will donate to both major parties in Bolingbrook.  We understand that not all the volunteers for both parties will be residents.  We understand that anyone in the world can make comments about Bolingbrook.  Because we know that the voters, who are residents, will make the final choice.

What we do not tolerate are non-residents disrupting local meetings and threatening to file lawsuits.  Yes, we are looking at you, Edgar County Watchdogs.

Instead of focusing on important issues in Edgar County, (like the lack of tornado sirens), the Watchdogs like to spend their time harassing governments hundreds of miles away from them, (including the DuPage Township).  We are disappointed that Roger did not denounce them or stand up for his longtime ally, Township Supervisor William Mayer.

Their critics note their ties to the Republican party.  We do not feel that is the best way to view them.  They are fanatics who follow the most extreme interpretation of the law to take down those they consider impure.  Nothing will stop them from holding properly elected officials to their impossible standards.  We are appalled that a certain local politician is using them for personal gain.  

If elected to the Village board, we promise to make sure that the village follows sensible interpretations of the law.  If a board member feels the need to summon these foreign watchdogs, maybe they should consider stepping down first, before disrupting our meetings.

If these dogs say to us, “You must resign.”  Our answer will be simple:  “No.  We will not resign.  You must go (expletive deleted) yourselves.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russians fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Palatine UFO Base cancels 100 landings due to a frozen sensor
Bigfoot sighted near Mayor Claar’s home
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/25/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Bolingbrook United’s reply to the 2019 State of the Village Address (Non-fiction)

The follow is Bolingbrook United’s reply to the 2019 State of the Village address:

Last Thursday, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was the keynote speaker at the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce’s annual “State of the Village.” While Bolingbrook United respects the Mayor’s willingness to stand up and present a report to the public, we disagree with a number of his and his allied village board members’ statements and policies.

 For example, the Mayor touted Bolingbrook as 100% transparent. Bolingbrook United believes that transparency is an area that needs significant improvement in our local Government. The village board’s continued use of no-bid contracts for public projects is only one example of the current lack of transparency. These no-bid contracts result in increased costs for the Village with substandard results and little public oversight. 

Just last month, the Board voted to give Kemper Sports a 5-year contract to manage the Bolingbrook Golf Club and refused to put the contract out for competitive bid. There was only one “no” vote against that contract; it came from Bolingbrook United trustee Bob Jaskiewicz, who requested that contracts, especially those as costly and important as the one to manage the Golf Club, be put out for a competitive bid.

We understand that a competitive bid process may not be cost effective for certain smaller projects. However, for our large initiatives, it is the board’s duty to ensure that taxpayers are receiving the highest quality service for the lowest price. The only way to do that is through an established and fair bidding process. Unfortunately, a clear and objective bidding process has been continually rejected by the majority of the board members and the Mayor.

The topic of Naperville’s Rib Fest was also addressed. This marquee event is looking for a new home for the future as it has outgrown its current host site in Naperville.  It was stated that Bolingbrook was not interested in the event because of the demands of the event. We respectfully disagree on this point. Bolingbrook has significant public-owned space, a hard-working and talented Village staff, and a private business community and diverse population that could easily offer the support the Village would need to host this event. Bolingbrook will only grow if opportunities like Rib Fest, with its wide national following, are aggressively pursued by our local government. We cannot continue to grow if our leaders reject opportunities because they may require hard work and innovative solutions.

Mayor Claar also discussed the village water system, currently owned and maintained by Illinois American Water. Bemoaning the high cost of water, he stated the company placed profits ahead of people. While we do agree that the Bolingbrook water system is not operating in the best interests of the village, it is surprising to hear Mayor Claar discuss this problem with such passion as the Mayor brokered the deal to sell Bolingbrook’s public water system to a private entity so many years ago. A decision as problematic then as it is now. Bolingbrook United believes that taxpayer-funded infrastructure should remain in the hands of the taxpayers. The decades of inflated water bills and the increased debt the village will sustain in buying it back only strengthens our belief that private interest and short term gains should never be put before the taxpayers. 

While we have our differences, Bolingbrook United joins Mayor Claar in celebrating the many successes in our Village. Our business community continues to expand and grow. We continue to be enriched by ever growing and expanding diversity in our residents. We are blessed with a private and public sector that cares about this community and wants to see it thrive. But we are facing problems as well. Our leaders cannot hide their heads in the sand because the acknowledgment of shortcomings and failures would not be politically expedient. 

As the April 2, 2019, consolidated election approaches, Bolingbrook United wants to remind you that you have the power to decide what sort of Village you want to live in. We hope that you will join us and our candidates for Village Trustee, School Board, Library Board, and Park District as we work to make our vision a reality. A vision of a Bolingbrook where every citizen is heard, the government is accountable to the people, and where new ideas and fresh perspectives are welcomed and appreciated. 

Bolingbrook United humbly asks for your vote on April 2nd.

-The candidates of Bolingbrook United-

To learn more about Bolingbrook United and their candidates, visit www.bolingbrookunited.com or contact us at info@bolingbrookunited.com.

‘The Girl Survives Cancer In This One’ is more than the ending (Non-Fiction)

Miri over the Orbit just published a zine, The Girl Survives Cancer In This One.  It’s a collection of essays about being diagnosed with cancer at age 26 and her recovery from a double mastectomy.

The Girl Survives Cancer In This One

Cancer digs an immense well of sadness and suffering, but that’s not what these pieces are primarily about. I had some of my happiest, funniest, and most enriching times that year, too. All of that is part of the story as much as the pain is.

Compiled from her writings during her recovery, she vividly describes her pain management, her fears,  the people who helped her through recovery, and her observations about life.  The title is a spoiler, but the real story is how “the girl” survived cancer and how it changed her.  I highly recommend this zine.

The online version is $4, and the paperback version is $8.

New World Order opens UFO bases in Palatine and Peotone (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend.  The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.

“I’m so happy,” said Village Clark Donna Werner.  “To paraphrase Carol Burnett, – It’s like giving birth after being pregnant for 51 years— and the baby is beautiful!”

Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:

“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars.  First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents:  How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes?  Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes.  We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”

Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:

“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases.  If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”

Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.

In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center.  The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.

Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:

“Did you really have to call it the Rob Sherman UFO Base?  He’s the reason we don’t have a village seal.”

“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.

“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”

“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”

“That’s sad.”

Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.  

“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”

“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier.    A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician.  As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”

Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown.  He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:

“This not our country’s finest moment.  This is not our species finest moment.  We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating.  I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district.  Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration.  He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall.  He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:

“Palatine is a great community,” he said.  “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”

The crowd gasped.  

“Relax.  I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside.  I still can’t figure that one out.”

Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community.  I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall.  I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”

“Sure,” replied Xavier.  “That’s the plan.”

A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:  

“Now I can attend Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim services and not deal with the long car drive from Bolingbrook.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Skeptics declare ‘Woo State of Emergency’ following botched Bears field goal (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook Skeptics declared a “Woo State of Emergency” following Bears kicker Cody Parkey’s missed field goal against the Philadelphia Eagles in their playoff game. The press release stated:

“At times of heightened emotions, we must stand guard against the evil forces of woo.  We must not let this one game send Bolingbrook back into the dark ages of superstition and feminism!”

The press release insists that residents should not blame God, the Illuminati, the New World Order, aliens, ghosts, or any other supernatural explanation for the kick, which hit the upright, bounced off the crossbar, then landed back on the field:

“Cody Parkey has a history of hitting the uprights.  Therefore it does not defy the odds that he hit the uprights during this game.  Instead, residents should be amazed that he made any kicks at all.”

It also warned of the dangers of residents believing supernatural explanations:

“If we allow any belief in the supernatural, no matter how minor, to grow, the results will be disastrous.  Bolingbrook will then become infected with unhealthy beliefs, like: Bigfoot exists, God is real, the Bolingbrook Babbler is a reliable source of information, Richard Dawkins doesn’t always know what he’s talking about, Sam Harris is flirting with racism, and Bolingbrook is the greatest community in the world.”

It concluded with a call for help from the Bolingbrook STEM Association, stating: “Our membership is depleted.  Women and (People of Color) don’t want to join.”

A woman who claimed to be a member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association said no one from Bolingbrook Skeptics had contacted them, and they had never heard of them.

“It sounds like they support STEM.  As we like to say around here, STEM is good.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Village Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene Spencer!  Did you make this meme?”

“Yes.  It’s my best one yet.”

“I thought you were on my side.”

“I am.”

“This meme says I have ties to Michael Madigan.  That’s not true.”

“You remember the last election?  The Republicans spent millions of dollars saying every Illinois Democrat has ties to Michael.  As a result, the Democrats won a super majority in both houses, swept the state offices, and obliterated us in Will County.”

“So?”

“If you can’t beat them.  Join them.”

Note: This is a work of fiction.

Tensions flare at the Clow UFO Base Village Trustee Candidates’ Forum

By Reporter X

Heated arguments and a candidate’s expulsion highlighted the Bolingbrook Village Trustee candidates’ forum at Clow UFO Base. Some say it was the first and possibly only such forum.

“We probably shouldn’t have held the debate in the middle of the petition challenge segment of the campaign,” said Acting Administrator Aplodoxage Glomox.  “But it was the only time the stadium was available.  This is an important debate because one of these parties, or a coalition of parties, could end up controlling the village board.  That means when the Interstellar Commonwealth returns Clow UFO Base to Bolingbrook, the winning party will control this base.”

The debate started with the moderator explaining political debates as “a traditional human game of rhetorical wordplay and logical fallacies disguised as public policy inquiry.”  The moderator said they would forgo the traditional speech about the audience remaining silent because, “Human politics is a participation sport.”  All three parties, Bolingbrook First, Bolingbrook United, and First Party for Bolingbrook, had cheerleaders in the audience.

The candidates introduced themselves, though First Party candidate Mary Alexander-Basta’s intro was awkward:  “Hi.  My name is insert name here.  I’m running for Bolingbrook Village Trustee because I care.  List the things you care about in Bolingbrook.  Mention your work with the Bolingbrook Stem Association.  If you care about Bolingbrook, then take care to vote for me.”

First Party candidate and Village Trustee Sheldon Watts replied, “That was the template you were supposed to use to write your speech.”

“Oh.  I’m sorry.  I thought it was some kind of alien introduction.  I just found out that UFOs were real a few weeks ago.”

After the introductions, the moderator asked Bolingbrook United candidate Jaime Olson about her community work.  She talked about being a girl scout leader, and the creator of the Bolingbrook Events Facebook group.

First Party candidate Michale Carpanzano replied:  “Did you hear that?  Silence.  Minutes of silence.  She has done nothing for Bolingbrook, while I am the Patch Mayor of Bolingbrook and as a Mayor, I mean as a trustee, I will do more to promote Roger than any other trustee in history.”

“Wow,” said Olson.  “I didn’t realize you blocked people offline as well as on Facebook.”

“She couldn’t answer me!  She doesn’t care.  I do. Vote for me.”

A large portion of the debate then turned into an argument between the First Party candidates and Bolingbrook First candidate Maripat Oliver.  Oliver claimed that she was defending the legacy of the Bolingbrook First.

“All residents are for Bolingbrook, but we are the only party that puts Bolingbrook First.  Just look at our membership.  Trustee Rick Morales has the most votes against Roger of all the sitting trustees.  Why?  Because he puts Bolingbrook first.  (Village Clerk Carol Penning) puts Bolingbrook First, and she has a copy of our sticker on her desk.  Not a First Party for Bolingbrook sticker.  A Bolingbrook First sticker!  Even though Roger quit our party, she’s defiantly showing her support for Bolingbrook First.  I have a message for Carol: Hang in there sister.  Help is on the way.”

The First Party candidates countered that she stole the “Bolingbrook First” name.

“Roger is Bolingbrook,” said Watts.  “He’s the reason Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America.  Any party that Roger isn’t a member of doesn’t care about Bolingbrook. You’re just trying to confuse voters.  The Edgar County Watchdogs say your complaint is without merit.”

“I can’t believe you’re putting downstate Illuminati agitators before the interests of Bolingbrook,” replied Oliver.  “The law says a new party cannot include the name of any established party in their name.  Your party’s name includes a ‘First’ and a ‘Bolingbrook.’  The law doesn’t specify what order the words have to be in.  It just says you can’t have those words in your name.”  Oliver later said, “None of you complained when we kicked Bonnie off the ballot or rejected a petition to elect trustees by districts.  I am continuing the Bolingbrook First party tradition of making sure that we only face worthy challengers.  Each of you decided to form a new party rather than face me in a primary.  Do you thank that makes any of you worthy challengers?”

Carpanzano yelled at Oliver that she shouldn’t question his worthiness to run for office:  “I saved the Bolingbrook Park District by passing off a tax increase as a tax cut.  I created the Bolingbrook Events Facebook page.  The only online hub for Bolingbrook events!  I have done more to promote Bolingbrook than you ever will.  That alone qualifies me to be the mayor—I mean a trustee!”

When the moderator asked Carpanzano to be quiet, Carpanzano pulled a rubber carp out of his pocket and held it up towards the moderator.

“Carping the moderator is against debate rules.  You will un-carp me at once.”

Carpanzano kept yelling at Oliver.  The moderator ordered Carpanzano removed from Clow.  Four guards picked him up and carried him away.  As he was carried away, Carpanzano waved his rubber carp at the audience.

“You can’t remove me!  I’m Michael Carpanzano!  I thought there was intelligent life beyond Bolingbrook.  I was wrong!”

After Carpanzano’s removal, the moderator asked why Bolingbrook United hadn’t published a party platform.  Bolingbrook United candidate Ajaz Gill replied that their platforms would be posted on their website soon.  He then announced that if elected, the Bolingbrook United candidates would work to create an ethics committee to oversee alien abductions in Bolingbrook:

“Right now all aliens have to do is pay a fee and they can abduct any resident that isn’t on the restricted list.  That has to end.  Bolingbrook United wants to ensure that all alien experiments conducted in Bolingbrook are ethical and respect the dignity of all residents.”

Watts shook his head.  “That sounds like something a Cook County member of the New World Order would say.  As I’ve said before, and I will say it again, we need to elect trustees who won’t push divisive secret society politics in Bolingbrook. Because I care about important local issues.”

“I have a question,” asked Bolingbrook United candidate Terri Ransom.  “If your party, whatever you want to call it, is so focused on local issues, why does it make donations to candidates outside of Bolingbrook?  Especially this donation to former Representative Peter Roskam?  You do realize that Bolingbrook isn’t in the Sixth Congressional District?”

Watts put is fingers in his ears and said, “La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me!  STEM is good!”

After the debate, each party had representatives try to spin coverage of the debate in their favor.

“Look,” said Claar.  “Michael apologized for insulting most of humanity and every other spacefaring race in the galaxy.  What more do you want?”

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz and Bolingbrook United member said, “Our candidates showed our visitors that we will bring fresh ideas and new energy into Village Hall.”

DuPage Township Supervisor William Mayer spoke in support of Oliver:  “I think Maripat sent a clear message to Roger that you do not mess with the award-winning slate and not pay a price.  I call on Roger to end his war against our township and to send his dogs back to Edgar County.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone and Palatine UFO bases to open this week
Russians deny responsibility for the local heat wave
Interstellar Commonwealth to pay salaries of federal workers at Clow UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/10/19 

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2019! (Fiction)

Every year our council of psychics convenes to make their predictions for the new year.  Last year they did an excellent job. Amazon expanded their logistical services and even announced the opening of a second headquarters.  Trump made several tweets that could be considered the Mother of all Twitter Rants. 

Representative Bill Foster

Will Rep. Bill Foster help Rep. Sean Casten save the Capitol Building?

Some skeptics will point out that Obama did not steal the nuclear football, and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz wasn’t allowed to put an item on a village board agenda.  Unlike those skeptics, we know that predicting the future isn’t an exact science, and the future is always changing.  Who knows, maybe Mayor Roger Claar read our predictions and decided not to go through with his plan to humiliate Jaskiewicz?

For the rest of our readers, here are our psychics’ predictions for 2019:

***

The Bolingbrook Fire Department’s Roundabout Rescue team will be revealed to the public after it rescues Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler.  Lawler will say that he wasn’t really trapped in the roundabout for two hours.

“I was part of a drill to test the team’s readiness.  They’re a bunch of fine individuals.  Most of the time, I remember how roundabouts work.”

The Bolingbrook Department of Public Safety will neither confirm nor deny they scheduled a drill.  No charges will be filed against Lawler.

A week later, Lawler will step down from the Village Board and Trustee Sheldon Watts will be named Deputy Mayor.  Mayor Claar will scold anyone who says the two events are related.

***

The Edgar County Watchdogs will escalate their campaign against the DuPage Township by holding a “Good Government Tent Revival” in the administrative building’s parking lot.  Attendees will hear uplifting music and “educational lectures.”

“Supervisor Bill Mayer says he doesn’t have a conflict of interest,” one speaker will say.  “But the Township Code says otherwise.  Section 85-45 says, and I quote: ‘Except as provided in this Section, no township officer or employee shall be interested, directly or indirectly, in his or her own name or in the name of any other person, association, trust, or corporation, in any contract for work, materials, profits of work or materials, or services to be furnished or performed for the township (…)’ Can I get a ‘He must resign’?”

During the revival, Township Trustee Alyssia Benford will stand up and start dancing.  “I feel the power of Good Government lifting my soul and bringing me closer to Jesus!”

Watts will be invited to participate in a baptism to “wash away the sins of Township Government” from his soul.  He will not attend.

Bolingbrook police will use tear gas to break up the revival.  Other Township trustees will offer free milk to those affected by the tear gas. 

***

After the April election, Claar will make an announcement at the next scheduled Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. Claar will state that he sent the village attorney to court to file for bankruptcy, and for the court to appoint him as the manager of Bolingbrook.  The move would strip the village board of all of its powers, and give Claar full control over Bolingbrook.

Claar will blame Jaskiewicz for the filing, stating:  “Everything was fine until you were elected!”

Near the end of the meeting, Judge Vincent Cornelius will arrive and announce that he has rejected Bolingbrook’s bankruptcy request.  He will state that while Bolingbrook has a debt problem, it is still capable of making payments on those debts.

He will add, “If you ever try this again, Roger, I will appoint Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea to be the manager of Bolingbrook!”

Village Clerk Carol Penning will scream in horror.

***

The Yellow Vest protests will reach Washington DC, though they will actually be wearing orange life vests.  Millions of dollars of damage will be done to the Lincoln and Jefferson memorials during the first weekend of protests against “the way things are.”

On the second weekend, they will march towards the Capitol Building, many of them armed.  As they reach the steps of the Capitol, Representative Sean Casten and his sister will step outside.  His sister will start singing the national anthem, accompanied by Representative Casten on the keyboard.  The yellow vest protesters will stop in their tracks.  Representatives Lauren Underwood and Bill Foster will march outside, waving US flags.

After the song, the protesters will disburse and leave Washington.

Many in the media will encourage Representative Casten to run for President.  He will reply, “Why me?  She did most of the work.  I just helped her. You should ask her to run for President.” 

***

Fed up with the nearly year-long government shutdown, and the results of numerous investigations, Congress will unanimously vote to impeach President Trump.

President Pence will declare a state of emergency and take control of all Internet Service Providers in the United States.

“The Russians have used our Internet to divide us,” he will say in his first televised speech.  “We don’t know who to trust anymore.  You can trust God and I am his faithful servant.”

Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube will be blocked in the US by the “Pence Firewall,” thus complicating efforts to organize national protests.

Pence will then allow “trusted community leaders” to take over control of their residents’ Internet access.  Bolingbrook will be one of those communities.

Claar’s choice to run Bolingbrook’s ISP will inspire little confidence during his only press conference:

“My haters say I’m supporting a dictatorship and opposing democracy.  They’re just mad that I’m an up and coming entrepreneur, youth mentor, politician, and thought leader.  My business is going to generate so much money that we can abolish property taxes.  I will also only employ Bolingbrook residents.  What’s not to like?  Oh, can someone tell me the difference between a dictatorship and democracy?  School never taught me that.”

Some residents will work together to start their own pirate ISP. The year will end with the Bolingbrook police closing in on the home of the illicit ISP to arrest “enemies of the village,” while hundreds of supporters outside will rally in support of “unfiltered Internet free speech.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Claar boycotts Clow UFO Base New Years Party after alcohol ban announced
Melania Trump investigates claims aliens illegally helped the Chicago Bears
UFO makes the first successful landing at Peotone UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

From the webmaster: Our top ten most popular stories of 2018 (Fiction)

By Wendy Ononfrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

File photo of former CSI feline fellow Cassie.

Before we say goodbye to 2018, I thought it would be fun to look back at our most popular stories this year:

10)Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees The last we heard, a decision is still pending.
9)Illuminati honors Qanon at the Bolingbrook Golf Club She’s still going strong in some corners of the Internet.
8)From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 The next event is planned for June 2019 at Village Hall.
7) Village Board celebrates the opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook They’re still in business and we can expect to see their work during the 2019 campaign.
6) Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens Roger may not control Clow UFO Base currently, but he might after the April election.
5) Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order reached the DuPage Township.  Allegiances may have changed since this story was published, but the fighting rages on. Even the Edgar County Watchdogs, rumored to be Illuminati operatives, have joined the fight.
4) Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows This one has kind of a happy ending. Krauss will retire in 2019 and the cats are enjoying their new home at the American Humanist Association.
3) The Roger Claar Party launches the first attack ad against the First Party for Bolingbrook The 2019 campaign is off to a negative start with a bold attack ad by the Roger Claar Party, which isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.
2) Amid controversy, Joshie Berger opens a restaurant at Clow UFO Base It was closed during the uprising at Clow UFO Base, but it is now open again. Though it is not as popular as the WeatherTech restaurants.

And the number one story:

1) Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson The Bolingbrook Golf Club was the place to be if you were a member of the Illuminati.

 

Clow UFO Base survives another holiday concert (Fiction)

The acting administrator of Clow UFO Base, Aplodoxage Glomox, praised the organizers of this years holiday concert at Clow UFO Base.

“Any concert that does not end in a riot is a success,” said Glomox.

This year’s concert was co-hosted by Mayor Roger Claar and Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.  The two were chosen because Clow UFO Base will be returned to the village after the April Consolidated election.  Either Claar’s First Party for Bolingbrook or Jaskiewicz’s Bolingbrook United will control the village board after the election.

“This is the time of year when people of all faiths wish for joy and peace,” said Jaskiewicz during the introduction to the concert.

“It’s also the time of year we don’t call our enemies stupid liars,” added Claar.  “Instead, we struggle to recognize their humanity.”

“I thought we agreed not to do any ‘gotcha moments.’”

“I don’t recall saying that, Wojtyła.”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Local performers included the Clow UFO Base’s Visitor’s Choir, the Bolingbrook Garbage Toter Drill Team, and the Clow UFO Base Drama Club.  Unlike past holidays, none of the performers were banned following the concert.

One performer from the Interstellar Tribes of Israel was injured while attempting to juggle several burning menorahs while balancing on top of a giant spinning dreidel. During the performance, she lost her balance and the menorahs ignited her clothes as she fell.

“Happy Chanukah!” she said while on fire.  “You’ve been a great audience.”  Stage crew then extinguished the fire and rushed her to a medical bay.  After the concert, the Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs said she was expected to make a full recovery.

DuPage Township Trustee Maripat Oliver, who is also a candidate for Village Trustee, addressed the audience:

“There are so many holidays this time of year.  What makes Bolingbrook great is that we have the freedom to celebrate all of them.  Our diverse community is what makes Bolingbrook first among the suburbs of Chicagoland. Our love for this village is what unites us all.  Oh, did I mention that there’s never been a scandal involving the Township’s interstellar charity work?”

The concert concluded with a surprise performance by Tim Minchin, who had been banned for life following his performance last year.

“I was told by my friend Aplodoxage that I could have any performer I wanted,” said Jaskiewicz.  “So I brought back Tim.  Sorry, your last movie bombed.”

Minchin performed for an hour, and finished his set by singing “White Wine in the Sun.”

 

When he finished singing, he held up a banner that read, “Not the first person to believe that being sentient unites us all.  Universe first!”

Later, a human woman was heard screaming, “I’ve changed my mind!  I don’t want to run.  Erase my memory!  I can’t go on knowing that the Babbler is right!”

When reached for comment, Claar said, “Fine, I’ll play along this year.  Peace on Earth.  Donate to H2O.  I’m endorsing the First Party for Bolingbrook.  Maripat is a name thief.  Give Michael Carpanzano a chance to prove himself.  What I want for Christmas is for Joe Giamanco to sue himself.  Mary Christmas and happy holidays to every real resident of Bolingbrook.  I invite all readers of Freethought Blogs to visit Bolingbrook.  Now stop calling me!  Do you know what time it is in California?”

Also in the Babbler:

Scientist fails to breed flying reindeer
UFO crashes near Palatine
Wereskunks arrested after starting a campfire to warm skunks
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/11/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction.