Red Deer Reporter: US covert operatives spotted in the area! (Fiction)

From the Babbler:  This article is from our sister publication, the Red Deer Reporter. It’s based in Red Deer, Alberta, Canada.

Sightings of possible US covert operatives near Red Deer skyrocketed following the disastrous G-7 summit.

Josephine, who asked that we not use her last name, described her encounter with one:  “I was sitting in my favorite bar when this weird man walked up to me and sat next to me without my permission.  He said he was a member of the ‘Wild Alberta’ party, but they weren’t going far enough.  He wondered if I thought that the US should invade Alberta so (President Trump) could make it great again.  I told him that invasions kill poor people to make rich people richer.  I also told him that I used to be a member of the United Conservative Party, but then I started reading Against the Grain and the  Reprobate Spreadsheet.  Now I am a much better person. He left.  Come to think of it, he did have an odd accent.”

Paul, who asked that we not use his real name, said a tractor-trailer truck pulled up next to him.  The driver stepped out and offered Paul an assault rifle.  Paul declined:  “I have enough guns.  The driver said that he was going to help ‘Texas North’ resist the ‘French Occupational Government.’  He asked if I would take up arms to defend the English Language.  I said people from Quebec are fine, but I would take up arms against the United States.  They steal our cheap medicine and demand that we say ‘eh’ for their amusement.  I would love to plunder their shale oil so Alberta could control the global market.  The driver took the gun away and left without saying goodbye.  How rude.”

Dena Z. Franson claims she encountered a sniper on her ranch:  “I saw this fake cow in my field.  Figuring it was a joke, I decided to approach it and throw it out.  When a got about a meter away, a man inside said, ‘Moo.  La moo.’  I stopped, and he said it again.  Then he said, ‘I am a Canadian cow.  Moo!  La Moo!’  I said that it is a balmy 15 C degrees outside, and he might overheat inside that fake cow.  That’s when I saw a rifle barrel come out of the cow’s mouth.  He used some unpleasant language before saying, “I’m here to make America again, and I’ll shoot any Canadian who refuses to submit to our President.  La Great!  La Shoot!  La Kill!  La Trump!’  I ran away.”

Police and Royal Canadian Mounted Police officials said they were not aware of any US military presence near Red Deer.  They did suggest that if any resident encounters US operatives, they should run to safety and call 911.

Also in the Red Deer Reporter:

Space alien criminals spotted near Red Deer
US mayor complains about people complaining
Picture of James Randi fails to cure a local woman of her allergies
God to spare Red Deer on 14/6/18

From the Webmaster: Why we need events like the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

On the eve of the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic and Puppies event, I’d thought I should point out this article from fellow Freethought member Trav Mamone:

It’s Pride Month. A time to celebrate all things queer and trans, remember those who lost their lives in the struggle for human rights, and explain—again—to straight people why there’s no Straight Pride Month. This false equivalency boils down to the common misconception that LGBTQ people like myself are celebrating something we didn’t achieve through hard work, like being born with a certain sexual orientation or gender identity. What people fail to realize is we’re celebrating something we achieved: all the accomplishments the LGBTQ rights movement has made so far, and that we choose to love ourselves in the face of bigotry.

You can read the rest here.

As Mamone also points out, there is still more work to be.  Last year Sarah Sanders said the administration believed that business have the right to refuse service to gays.  President Donald Trump is currently trying to ban transgender individuals from serving in the military. Kansas and Oklahoma now allow adoption agencies that receive taxpayer money to deny adoptions to gays for religious reasons.  In Illinois, Jeanne Ives almost won the primary race for Governor despite running a flagrantly transphobic ad.

So tomorrow, let’s celebrate the first Pride event in Bolingbrook.  It is a significant milestone that should be celebrated.  Let’s also remember that there’s more to be done and that the progress that’s been made still needs to be defended.

Web Exclusive: Roskam campaign accuses Sean Casten of being a space alien (Fiction)

Anonymous members of Representative Peter Roskam’s election campaign are spreading rumors that his opponent, Sean Casten, is a space alien.

The Roskam campaign claims this photo is proof that his opponent, Sean Casten, is an alien.

“There’s something not right about Sean,” said one source.  “He sounds smart, but he’s too smart.  Like, a highly intelligent alien pretending to be a human.”

“Exactly,” added an anonymous campaign member.  “Rock musician?  Scientist?  Father?  Business leader?  Athlete? Doesn’t it all seem too good to be true?  Like an alien pretending to be the perfect political candidate?”

When asked for evidence that Casten is an alien, they produced an “enhanced photo” of Casten taken at a candidates forum in Palatine, IL.

James, who asked that we not use his last name, or state his position in the Roskam campaign, conceded that the photo was weak evidence:  “But if you combine this photo with our questions, enough people might believe he’s a space alien.  The rabble, I mean the voters, will turn against Sean, and we’ll win!”

Brian Z. Buckman, A spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, said their investigations back in 2007 prove Casten is human:  “While you can’t prove a negative, we were able to confirm his birth on Earth, his human physiology and his educational background.  The background information on Sean’s website is correct, except he doesn’t mention the years he worked at Clow UFO Base.  I can say that he had excellent employee evaluation scores, but that is all I can say.”

Another member of the Roskam campaign, who asked to be called Anne, said charges are based on “political reality,” and not on “science-based facts.”

“You have to look at where we stand.  The good news is most people in the Illinois Sixth Congressional District are familiar with Peter.  The bad news is most of those same people hate him.  Fortunately, the rabble —I mean voters— know very little about Sean.  So Peter’s ordered us to throw everything at him.  Not just the kitchen sink, but the plumbing too.  That’s why we’re trying to create a political reality in which Sean is a space alien.  It might cost him votes, and those votes could be the key to our victory.”

Anne said the “enhanced photo” of Casten will be distributed to paranormal websites, and to InfoWars sometime next week.

A phone call to the Casten campaign was answered by a staff member.  “Alien?  Sean is talking to an IL06 resident and doesn’t have time for your nonsense.”

In the background, a man said, “Who cares if the planet dies?  I only care about making my business profitable.”

A man who sounded like Casten said, “You do realize there are no profitable companies on a dead planet?”

The other man paused, then said, “I never thought of it that way.”

A call to the Roskam campaign was also answered by a staff member.  “If people want to believe Mr. Casten is an illegal liberal space alien, we won’t stop them.”

In the background, Roskam said, “Hi.  I’m Representative Peter Roskam.”

“Roskam?  You’re the one who keeps interrupting my family dinners with your ‘phone-in’ town hall meetings.”

“I’m better known as the leader who cut your federal taxes.”

“You wrote that plan?  Thanks to you, I can no longer deduct state and local taxes, and your plan threatens Social Security and Medicare.”

“You’re welcome.  Anyway, I’ve selected your household to be the only one I visit this year.  You should be honored to be the only commoner I will talk to this election cycle.  I want to hear the thoughts of a real American like you.”

“Here’s what I think.”

This was followed by the sound of a slamming door. 

Aliens to offer free UFO rides at the first Bolingbrook Pride Picnic (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Some attendees of the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic on June 10 will get a free UFO ride.

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

“It’s about time Bolingbrook had a pride event,” said Oxlogot, who is donating her spacecraft for the event.  “I thought the least I could do was make the first event special.”

Oxlogot added that she was disappointed that the Department of Interstellar Affairs wasn’t supporting the Pride event:  “You would think the Village employees would want to show the galaxy that they support and celebrate all sexualities.  Instead, they’re working on promotional tie-ins for the Bolingbrook Pet Parade.  The department may not wish to recognize the triumphs and struggles of Bolingbrook’s LGBTQA+ community, but I, along with many other visitors, do recognize them. We also appreciate all they bring to Bolingbrook and Clow.”

According to Oxlogot, attendees will be randomly selected for the UFO rides.  The ride will include a flyover of Clow UFO Base, and a trip to the far side of the moon: “They’ll only be gone from the picnic for five minutes.  All minors will be accompanied by their parents.  It’ll be fun, and I’m allowed to let my passengers remember the trip.”

An official from the Department of Interstellar Affairs defended the decision not to participate in the Pride Picnic: “Any visitor with the proper paperwork can attend the picnic.  Right now, our main focus is making preparations to celebrate Flag Day.  The village has never recognized Pride Month.  Why should this department be the exception?”

Oxlogot and her crew will also assist with security at the picnic:  “I know Clow bans interstellar Nazis, but many are sneaking into Bolingbrook so they can help Arthur Jones’s congressional campaign.  My crew will make sure they stay far away from the picnic.  The only thing people should worry about is how much time they’ll get to spend with the puppies.”

When asked to comment, a Bolingbrook Pride committee member laughed and hung up.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was attending a critical briefing and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “So, Charlene, if I go to this picnic, what should I say?”

“You should say that it doesn’t matter who Bolingbrook residents love— Just as long as there’s a place in their hearts for you, Roger.  Isn’t that what living in Bolingbrook is really about?”

Also in the Babbler:

Melania Trump spotted at Clow UFO Base
Claar accused of using hypnosis to secure political donations
Russian internet troll disqualified from running for Will County Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/9/18

Web Exclusive: Village of Bolingbrook posts cryptic videos on its webpage (Fiction)

The Village of Bolingbrook stunned residents by replacing the streaming video and archives of Bolingbrook Community Television on its webpage with cryptic videos. The IT department and BCTV refused to comment on the changes.

Images of three videos on the Village of Bolingbrook web site.

Do these videos on the Bolingbrook website have a hidden meaning? Some residents say they do. 

“This is an evil attempt to force residents to buy cable TV,” said Joan Z. Miller.  “I’m sorry, but I refuse to subsidize an expensive dinosaur corporation just so I can watch village meetings.  I used to love (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar), but not after this!”

Another viewer, who asked to be called Jeb, agrees: “When I’m sitting in front of the TV, I don’t want to watch a government meeting, I want to be entertained.  However, when I’m walking along the DuPage River Greenway Trail, I like to listen to the Village Board meeting.  It was so relaxing to hear (Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz) notice things the other trustees missed. Now Roger has taken that pleasure away from me!”

Currently, there are three videos on the village website.  The first is titled Testing, and it shows a performance by the Bolingbrook Community Chorus.  The second is titled 2018 CP Game 03 WhiteSox vs RedSox, but shows a Valley View 365U School Board meeting, a weather map, and an adult flag football game.  The third video is titled Village of Bolingbrook Memorial Day Ceremony, but shows 18 minutes of a Village Board meeting.  A fourth video, now taken down, showed marathon runners crossing a finish line.

Steve, who asked that we not use his last name, believes the videos contain an ominous message:  “These videos are a warning from the Bolingbrook Police Department.  They’re planning a coup against Roger. They want to take all the tax money and put it in the pension fund.  You have to put the videos in the right order to see this.  First, the officers plan on killing the Village Board.  Then the chorus will perform at their funeral.  Then they’ll distract us with sporting events as they steal our tax funds.  So if you know what’s best for you, you’ll run away from Bolingbrook.  The message is obvious— Unless you’re a sheeple!”

Blake, who also asked that we not use his last name, has another interpretation:  “Roger knows that the Second Coming is about to happen, but the liberal media won’t let him warn us.  So he’s using these videos to tell us.  The Chorus’ performance is praising God.  The liberal educators are clueless as the storm is coming.  Flag Football is symbolic of the coming challenges the Antichrist will impose on us.  All the Village Board members will be raptured.  So if you want to be saved, you need to run towards Jesus!”

Mayor Claar could not be reached for comment.  His receptionist said there is nothing mysterious about the videos:  “They’re switching steaming software, and they have to go back and recode the old videos before they can be put back online.  Everything, including the streaming video, should be back up soon.  Just between you and me, I think the new system still needs work.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “BCTV, schedule a marathon of shows featuring my favorite woman.”

“Scheduling the Jackie Traynere Marathon,” replied a digital female voice.

“What?  Why do you think I like Jackie Traynere?”

“You said your favorite woman was ‘Jackie Traynere No Just Kidding It’s Actually My Wife.’  The closest match is Jackie Traynere.”

“You (expletive deleted) suck!”

“I am Bolingbrook Community Television’s Digital Assistant.  I am a part of BCTV.  BCTV is a part of Bolingbrook.  Mayor Roger Claar is Bolingbrook.  Any obscenities directed at me are directed at Roger.”

Immigrant children relocated to Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Approximately 100 of the 1475 children of immigrants detained by U.S. Customs and Border Protection are being held at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“They’re being cared for by alien volunteers,” said Patrick Z. Hamilton, an administrator for the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “Since the government started its unofficial policy of separating children of migrants from their families, they have to be kept somewhere.  So they might as well be brought here.”

Hamilton insisted the children are receiving adequate care.  “I think of this as an opportunity to teach our visitors about human childrearing.”

Ogtog, a visitor from Kepler-62f, is fostering 4 human infants.  Ogtog allowed this reporter to watch her care for one of her children.  She walked up to a plastic crib and covered her face with a human paper mask as she peered into the crib.

“Hello, human youngling I have named George.  I am here to give you the proper amount of formula.  Your smart diaper says it is clean.  So after I feed you, I will put on my fursuit and cuddle you for 32.5 seconds.  In 3.52 weeks, we will experiment with feeding you a blended mix of green plants and animal flesh.  Shall we begin?”

George started crying.

“I don’t have a problem taking care of human babies, but they really shouldn’t be separated from their parents at such an early age.”

An advisor on interstellar affairs for the Bolingbrook United Party, who asked not to be identified, fears that the children will never be returned to their families.  “We’re being told that their foster parents plan to adopt them, just to raise them to be translators.  They’ll spend the rest of their lives in servitude.  Like in the Native Tongue trilogy.  That’s horrifying, and we’re doing everything we can to reunite them with their families.”

Hamilton disagrees.  “If you don’t want your family torn apart, don’t enter the United States, and don’t apply for asylum on our side of the border.  Unless you’re a rich Norwegian.  Then you’re more than welcome to move here!”

Ogtog denied any plans to take her children off-world:  “I’m just trying to help humans in need.  It’s hard to believe that a species can be so passionate about who lives on which side of an imaginary line.”

Mayor Roger Claar, when called, only said the following: “I’m going to start issuing a score to every publication that covers Bolingbrook.  Your score is -9000, and that is not good!  Remember our troops who died so I can be a US Mayor!”

Also in the Babbler:

Remember those who died to protect our country and our planet
Russians launch heat attack against Bolingbrook
Claar:  Atheists are not enforcing ‘Secular Sharia Law’ in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/2/18

From the Webmaster: Transparent Expedition blogger celebrates his son’s graduation (Mixed)

Patrick L. Green, the blogger behind Transparent Expedition, wrote a moving article celebrating his son’s graduation:

Selfishly, my son’s graduation is a proud moment. He survived. Countless other transgender youth have taken their own lives because they were not supported and countless teens have been killed in school because we live in a nation where people have an unhealthy obsession and love of guns.

Congratulations on your son’s achievement.  I just wish his experience in Bolingbrook could have been better.

Illuminati honors Professor Jordan Peterson (Fiction)

The Illuminati honored controversial Canadian professor Jordan Peterson at a ceremony held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Photo of Jordan peterson

File photo of Jordan Peterson by Adam Jacobs.

“The New World Order underestimated the power of his words,” said Simon, Grand Master Councilor of Western Canada.  “Our branch of the Illuminati didn’t, and today he is a potent weapon in our quest to create global chaos.”

Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler performed the glowing orb ritual for Peterson, then presented him with a medal.  It was Lawler’s first time performing the ritual, and Mayor Roger Claar, who was in the audience, nodded in approval.

Peterson wiped away tears as he accepted the award.

“I shouldn’t have cut onions before the ritual,” said Peterson.  The gathered officials laughed.

Peterson then thanked the Illuminati for the honor: “Honestly, I never dreamed I would get this far.  I thought I was going to be an ordinary professor and make some spare money selling self-help books.  When Simon approached me, I honestly didn’t take him seriously.  He promised to make me a messiah of masculinity. I just expected to sell a few more books.  This will be one of the few times I will admit to being wrong.  I now understand the full power of the Illuminati.”

He went on to talk about his followers: “They will follow me no matter what I tell them. I say there’s no such thing as an atheist, and atheists follow me.  I say witches and dragons are real, and skeptics follow me.  There are men who tell me that I am the voice in their head. I’m still amazed.  I am proof that if you act like a man, you can get anything you want and good things will fall into your lap.”

Peterson added that he has some idea of why he’s popular:  “The New World Order has imposed many changes on society, especially on gender roles.  These changes make men feel uncomfortable.  Thanks to our esteemed society, I can exploit their discomfort, and turn them into pawns for the Illuminati.  The Left makes them feel bad for exploiting women and minorities.  I tell them those people were never exploited, and if they gain rights, you will lose rights.  It’s sounds smart, and since they believe they’re smart, they won’t question me.  I make supporting traditional sexism sound like being part of the dark counter-culture!”

He then concluded by stating he agreed with the ultimate goal of the Illuminati.  “I tell my followers that chaos is feminine.  I say that because I believe that global chaos will give birth to a better world.  A world that will keep men on top.  A world where women and so-called minorities will enjoy freedom from choice.  A world that will be just like the classical civilizations.  We’ve made great strides since the election of Donald Trump.  Let’s keep the momentum going.  Fnord!”

After the speech, Lawler asked Peterson a question:  “You say you are opposed to equality of outcomes, yet you want all men to have sexual partners.  Isn’t that a contradiction?”

Peterson smiled.  “You don’t make one million dollars a year by telling horny men they’re not entitled to hot women.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested for offering condoms to Bolingbrook teenagers
Sources: Claar asking ‘Internet troll factories’ to move to Bolingbrook
Clow UFO base forced to ‘draft’ BHS students for internships
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/18

Anonymous Sources: Rogue Township trustees set fire to IKEA solar panel (Fiction)

Three ‘rogue’ DuPage Township trustees set fire to one of Bolingbrook IKEA’s solar panels as a sacrifice to the Illuminati.

“My brother was one of the first firefighters on the roof,” said Angie, who asked that we not use her last name.  “He said he saw trustees (Alyssia Benford), (Maripat Oliver), and (Dennis Raga) dancing around a burning solar panel.  They were chanting ‘Fnord.’”  

According to the sources, when approached by the firefighters, the three trustees insisted they were ““Chaos Knights.” The trustees said the Illuminati recently knighted them, and they demanded the firefighters let the fire burn because they were “performing a ritual.”

“Don’t you read the Babbler?” asked Oliver.  “Bolingbrook is an Illuminati village.  As members of the Illuminated Knights of Chaos, we can do anything we want to in the name of chaos.  Right now, we want to sacrifice this solar panel to seek the favor of the spirits of coal!”

“That’s not the only reason,” added Benford.  “I’m participating in this ritual to ensure the success of my campaign for State Representative.   God is on my side. Republican pensioners are on my side, Republican parents are on my side, and after this ritual, the Illuminati will be on my side!  I’m going to break the deadlock in Springfield, destroy the rules, and create chaos in Illinois.  This state will become an anarchist capitalist’s dream.”

“Yeah!” added Raga.  “We hold all the power in DuPage Township.  You can’t tell us what to do.  We’ve shut down the board for two meetings in a row.  Do you want to waste the taxpayers’ money by fighting us?  Let us fire who we want to fire.  Let me drink and drive whenever I want.  Let men be men!  Save the taxpayers’ money and let us do what we want!”

“Exactly,” said Oliver.  “Chaos is the future, and the future is good.”

“Today the township,” said Raga.  “Tomorrow the world.  How are we going to save the world from the New World Order?  With Booze, Boobs, EDM.  Booze!  Boobs!  EDM!”

The firefighters moved the trustees aside and put out the fire.  Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar later met with the trustees in a secluded location.  He explained that he outranked them in the Illuminati, and said they weren’t doing their jobs as knights.

“Your job is to spread chaos outside of Bolingbrook.  Instead, you are causing chaos in my village!  I am ordering all three of you to attend the special meeting on May 15 and to bring order back to my village.  Oh.  The next time you feel like performing a ritual, do it at the Schaumburg IKEA.  Then I can tell their mayor that I’m IKEA 1 and he’s IKEA 0.”

The trustees could not be reached for comment.

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a woman who sounded like advisor Charlene Z. Spencer said, “Look Mr. Bolingbrook thought leader.  I don’t care if you’re afraid to go back to the Bolingbrook Politics group.  You paid me to troll them, and I trolled them.  As for your message, I’ll have you know that I still have Roger Treatment coupons.  Never heard of them?  You’ll like this.  All I have to do is redeem one at any Bolingbrook Government agency, and they will treat me just like they would treat Roger.  You sent me a sick message, period!  Gender doesn’t matter.  Now, unless you want to be on the receiving end of the Roger treatment, you’ll pay off your invoice to Barber’s Corners Media and never bother me again.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m having a bad day.”

“Me too.”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs spotted with Bolingbrook Pride stickers
Martian Colonies officially close consulate at Clow UFO Base
Werecats endorse Jackie Traynere and Kenneth Harris for Will County Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/16/18

From the webmaster: Bolingbrook Pride to host ‘Pride Picnic and Puppies’ on June 10 (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler

Rainbow Flag

Image from the Bolingbrook Pride page.

I don’t know how organized it so quickly, but Bolingbrook Pride will be hosting its first event, “Pride Picnic and Puppies,” on June 10 from 3 pm to 7 pm.

Bolingbrook PRIDE is holding our first annual community picnic with art activities, pet adoption event, food, games, fellowship and more!! We aim to support LGBTQ acceptance through family-friendly, community activity. Join us at James S Boan Woods for four hours of fun!!

This will be Bolingbrook’s first pride event.  A picnic is a good beginning.  Maybe next year we can hope for rainbow crosswalks and a parade in the Promenade?  One can dream…