They talked me into doing the second episode of Freethought Blog’s Podish-Sortacast! We’ll go live at the top of the hour:
The Bolingbrook Babbler
The truth is unbelievable!
They talked me into doing the second episode of Freethought Blog’s Podish-Sortacast! We’ll go live at the top of the hour:
A photo from 1999 of the Hidden Lakes Monster.
Bolingbrook’s Hidden Lakes Monster threw a temper tantrum after learning about the possible sale of both the Hidden Lakes Nature Center and Hidden Lakes to the Will County Forest Preserve District. Three Will County staff cryptozoologists and two members of the Bolingbrook Department of Paranormal Affairs suffered minor injuries when the creature bumped into them.
“I don’t think she meant to hurt us,” said Beth Z. Delmar, a lake monster specialist employed by the Village. “She was just upset by the news. I would be too.”
Hidden Lakes is the smallest body of water known to have a lake monster. The half-duck, half-sea serpent creature is believed to be the sole surviving member of its species. Workers accidentally opened the cavern it was living in during the contraction of the four lakes that make up Hidden Lakes. While most of the lakebed is shallow, some parts are up to a mile deep. The creature sleeps in the deepest areas, then ventures to the shallow areas to eat weeds and plants. Despite some accusations, no one has provided convincing proof that the creature has ever killed a human or eaten meat.
During its tantrum, the creature splashed water with its tail and made its unique sound, described as a combination of a hiss and a quack. Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar, awoken by the sound, drove to Hidden Lakes to scold the creature.
According to eyewitnesses, Claar told the creature she was too expensive to continue to take care of.
Claar allegedly said: “COVID infected the Parks District’s covert budget and they need to make cuts. This time they can’t issue another bond and then and pass it off as a tax cut. They have to make real cuts, and I’m not sorry, but invisible playground equipment for alien children is a better investment than you! Now go to sleep and be happy that we didn’t cut you up instead!”
The creature responded by coiling around Claar and pulling him into the water towards the deep end. It stopped when Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta and Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere arrived. Alexander-Basta summoned the creature, who complied, and dragged Claar to near the shore.
“I’m sorry,” Alexander-Basta allegedly said. “You may have hidden from my staff, but you must think of us as family. That’s why you’re so upset. You think you’re going to lose your family and your home. Let me assure you that you’re staying right here. I’ll still visit you every week, and so will the residents. You’ll just have different people taking care of you, that’s all.”
“I’ll be in charge of them,” added Traynere. “You might not remember me, but when I was a little girl, I got lost and you guarded me until my parents came. My parents thanked you with some very special birdseed. I brought some for you today.”
As the creature ate the birdseed, Traynere added: “I’m the one who authorized the tunnel between Hidden Lakes and Lake Whalon. Do you like it?”
The creature joyfully quacked.
“Good. I insisted that they fill the lakebed with your favorite plant. It cost extra, but you like it, right?”
The creature lifted Claar and used his body to splash water on Traynere.
“I know that splash,” Traynere replied with a smile. “Yes there will be changes, but I think that a better-funded and more experienced governmental body can improve your home.”
Alexander-Basta then walked up to the creature, holding two bags of birdseed:
“You let the Mayor Emeritus go, and I’ll give you these two bags, plus twenty more.”
The creature released Claar. After consuming the bags whole, it submerged and swam away.
Alexander-Basta helped Claar up, and said: “This is why Bolingbrook needs me as a mayor.”
Neither Claar nor Traynere could be reached for comment.
A receptionist answered Alexander-Basta’s phone and said she was dealing with a “tense situation.”
In the background, a man with a downstate accent said, “You must tell your Clerk to fulfill these 1000 FOIA requests within five days, or she must resign.”
A woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said, “Well, I’m happy to serve you the papers—“
“It’s a trap!” yelled the man. “You’re working for Bonnie!” The man ran away.
“I don’t know who Bonnie is, but apparently she likes to serve too.”
Also in the Babbler:
Russians spare Bolingbrook from Hurricane attack
Last alien visitors from Afghanistan arrive at Clow UFO Base
Village Attorney confirms that the Bolingbrook Police cannot declare political parties illegal
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/3/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Internet theater critic Sheri O. Roland must’ve believed she was watching a play when she reviewed the 8/24/21 Bolingbrook Village Board meeting. She wrote:
“This is not a production worth dying for. If you have to catch COVID, catch it by attending a Nickelback cover band concert. It will be more entertaining.”
According to the review, Roland believed she was reviewing a play called “Positively Charged” staged by the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook. The League isn’t a theater company but instead is an anonymous group of performance artists that “reappropriates” mundane events in Bolingbrook. They infamously “reappropriated” the 6/9/09 and the 4/25/17 board meetings into the play, “Village of the Bored.” Their last performance was “Restaurants Matter More Than You” in 2020 which was staged in a Bolingbrook restaurant that violated the pandemic indoor dining ban.
While the League’s announcements are banned from both Bolingbrook Events sites, some people, like Roland, are fooled into attending their “performances.”
During the 8/24/21 meeting, the Village Board announced the winners of 2021’s Bolingbrook’s Citizens of the Year awards and honored the retiring owners of Family Square Restaurant. In her review, Roland described the announcements as “wasted plot points.”
“We have a woman who overcomes paralysis to become an advocate for LGTQ+ residents. We have a photographer with fearless children. We have two guys who traveled all the way from Greece to serve cream of chicken soup to the suburbs. Each story could have been a separate play. Instead, we’re treated to bland narration, and the characters themselves are hardly speaking. The Greek characters had the stage stolen from them by the Mayor Emeritus character. I’m sorry, but there’s no such thing as a ‘Mayor Emeritus.’ Did the writer not know the difference between a mayor and a professor?”
Roland described Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta’s “performance” as “competent, but uninspiring.” She also described Trustee Michael Lawler as “playing a role that started out as comic relief but was rewritten at the last minute—Which was too bad, because this play could have used some comic relief. The background characters should be cut because they don’t advance the plot at all.”
The ending, according to Roland, “fell apart,” and never recovered:
“Here we get the reading of invoices and rules that are never debated. I thought we would finally see some drama when a letter accusing the main characters of poisoning Bolingbrook surfaced. Instead, that’s laughed off. The bit about Bolingbrook losing power could have been an exciting twist. Instead, it’s a line that should have been thrown away along with the rest of the script.”
She concludes her review by writing: “I can’t tell if this play is a depiction of an authoritarian dystopia or a piece of anti-democratic propaganda that denies debate and tries to inject the audience with a lethal dose of reckless positivity. Either way, it doesn’t work. I appreciate a suburb attempting to stage an original theatrical production during a deadly pandemic. Sadly, in the end, it’s just like watching a cover band concert. It tastes good, but the experience just doesn’t satisfy you like the original band’s performance would. The only good thing about this production is the immersive sets. Sometimes I really thought I was in a government building.”
Roland refused to be interviewed for this story.
When asked to comment, Alexander-Basta replied: “The critics said I would be Roger’s puppet and lose reelection. Well—”
In the background, a man who sounded like Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar said: “Hurry up! WeatherTech wants to talk to us about building ten new helicopter pads by their factory.”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” replied Alexander-Basta. “Now if I were a puppet, I wouldn’t have told our Mayor Emeritus to wait a minute. Checkmate, foes of Bolingbrook!”
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)
By Reporter X
To combat the spread of the COVID-19 Delta Variant near Clow UFO Base, Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta ordered UFO crews to offer vaccines to their abductees.
“Nature has declared war on Bolingbrook,” said Alexander-Basta during a press conference with members of the interstellar media. “Administering the vaccine is the key to dealing Nature a humiliating defeat!”
Starting immediately, any UFO licensed through Clow to abduct humans must offer either the Pfizer or Moderna vaccines. Abductees are free to refuse the vaccine, but must still submit to the researcher’s procedures. Clow is the first UFO Base on Earth to mandate UFO crews to attempt to administer shots.
“Only just over half of our residents are fully vaccinated,” said Alexander-Basta. “That’s not good enough. We’re holding pop-up clinics and even going to people’s homes to give them the shot. Yet people are still hesitant to get vaccinated. Even (Trustee Michael Carpanzano’s) propaganda pieces—I mean social media posts— aren’t enough to overcome some of our residents’ reluctance.”
Alexander-Basta feels that aliens might be uniquely qualified to overcome vaccine hesitancy:
“If you don’t trust me, or my TV show, or your doctor, or President Biden, or President Trump, you might trust a member of an interstellar civilization. They probably know more about your physical health than you do.”
Alexander-Basta then introduced a man wearing a mask and a hooded robe that she identified as a member of the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway. He attacked the vaccine-resistant as “foes of Bolingbrook and humanity.”
“I’m sick of staying in my pod. I’m sick of wearing a cloth mask when I’m not performing rituals, but most of all, I’m sick of the pro-COVID death cult in my party! They claim to be pro-freedom, but I have news for you: Death isn’t freedom! Dust to Dust? That’s communism! Do you think letting the weak die is masculine? (Expletive deleted!) That’s like saying, ‘I carry a gun because I don’t want thugs to hurt me, but I don’t care about my family!’ How far would the gun rights activists have gotten if we’d made that argument? You say you’re not going to take the vaccine because you don’t know every ingredient in the shot? Do you know the ingredients in all the COVID treatments? They’re under the same emergency use authorization as the vaccines! Do you think there’s a tracking chip in the vaccine? You’re not important enough to be tracked! And if we did want to track you, we’d track your smartphone! Just like the New World Order did during the insurrection! Trump is vaccinated! Mayor Mary is vaccinated! Everyone in the Fox News studios is vaccinated! Don’t be one of those selfish hippies with a US Flag patch. Get vaccinated, or get out of my village!”
As the man left the stage, he said to Alexander-Basta, “This is why you need a Mayor Emeritus.”
Following the announcement, Bolingbrook’s opposition parties, Bolingbrook Independent Voices and Bolingbrook United, released a joint statement criticizing her order:
“While we agree that the vaccines are safe and save lives, and encourage vaccination, abductees are not in a position to give their consent. Abductees are in a state of mind similar to sleep paralysis. They can’t consent to major medical decisions in that state of mind. Plus let’s not forget why they are called abductees. For decades, the First Party of Bolingbrook has tolerated the kidnapping of residents for outdated experiments and profited from licensing fees. Some of us have always opposed this policy. Some of us didn’t always oppose this policy. One of us supported the policy before opposing it. Now all of us are united in our opposition!”
When reached for comment, Alexander-Basta laughed and asked this reporter to join her for a video chat with covert social media operative Charlene Spencer. When Spencer logged in, Alexander-Basta accused her of creating a front group called Suburban Residents for Higher Government.
Alexander-Basta: You won’t believe the trouble I went through to get your video pulled off of YouTube.
Spencer: What video?
Alexander-Basta: Don’t play dumb with me young lady. You know exactly which video I’m talking about. The one you uploaded from our guest Wi-Fi network.
Spencer: As a taxpaying resident of Bolingbrook, I’ve used the Village Center WiFi to upload many videos. You need to be more specific.
Alexander-Basta: I’m talking about the one that accuses me of controlling the distribution of a deadly drug that kills 95,000 people annually, is more addictive than cannabis, causes organ failure, and drains a quarter of a trillion dollars from the economy every year.
Spencer: Well, since you’re the mayor, that also makes you the Local Liquor Control Commissioner. So technically—
Alexander-Basta ended the call.
Also in the Babbler:
Sentient COVID-19 Delta variant insists it was born in India, not China
Scientist predicts if nothing changes, COVID-19 will wipe out most Republicans by 2024.
UFOs escaping Afghanistan land at Clow UFO Base
God will not smite Bolingbrook this week.
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
Join the members of Freethought Blogs, including me, as we reflect on the 10th anniversary of the network. From its beginnings as a general atheist blog to its current reputation as the home for socially conscious bloggers. It’s been through the Deep Rift, the Trump Administration, and many personnel changes. It’s had quite a history. The one thing that has stayed consistent, in my opinion, are the bloggers’ desire to work for change, both in terms of speaking out for atheists, and advocating for a just world. Because there is no invisible hand bending the arc of justice. Humans have to work to bend it.
It will be live at 16:00 Central Time. Come join us and feel free to ask your (reasonable) questions, or add a comment.
File photo of Bolingbrook Trustee and interplanetary record holder Troy Doris.
By Reporter X
Bolingbrook Trustee and former Olympian Troy Doris won the Triple Jump competition at the Interplanetary Goodwill Games. His 102.6 meter (336.61 feet) jump shattered the official Lunar Humanoid Triple Jump Record.
“This is a year of firsts!” Doris said at a press conference following his victory. “I won my first election. I met my first alien. I took my first trip to the moon. Now I’ve won my first Unobtainium medal! And the year isn’t over yet.”
The Interplanetary Goodwill Games are held once every 20 Martian years. Sentient species from around the solar system compete in over 200 games, including track and field. Doris competed for the Clow UFO Base team, which was one of ten teams from Earth that qualified to compete in the games.
While Doris had hoped to compete in the 2020 Olympics, he was glad he chose the Goodwill Games instead.
“It seems like the Tokyo games are trying to kill you, kill your career, or kill your ability to compete. Here, I don’t have to worry about any COVID variants. I can focus on having one last great competition. Then I can look forward to my new career as the token Democratic member of the First Party for Bolingbrook. As long as I don’t make any waves, I’ll have a long career with them.”
Doris fouled on his first two attempts. His first attempt ended when his first jump, the hop, caused him to crash into the domed ceiling. Though the collision resulted in a large bump on his head, he vowed to keep competing.
“As long as I still had aerial body awareness, there was no reason for me to stop competing. I just had to get used to the moon’s low gravity. It’s hard when you’re not wearing a 180 lbs. space suit.”
Doris made the record-breaking jump on his fifth attempt. At the time he was in fifth place, and told the only way he could win was to break the Lunar record. Posci, a competitor from Jovian moon Io, was the leader with his 90-meter jump.
“This time I wasn’t afraid that I was going to launch myself into orbit. I could only do that on an asteroid or comet. So I thought about the physics of my angles, imagined that (Former Mayor Roger Claar) was chasing me, and then ran like hell. When I didn’t fall asleep after the hop, I knew I had a chance to break the record, and I did.”
After thanking his family, Doris also thanked Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta for allowing him to compete in the games and the staff of the Babbler for inspiring him.
“I remember reading about aliens in the Babbler and wanting to compete against them. My mother said if I worked hard, and proved my loyalty to Roger, my dream could come true. Today it did. Thanks to the Babbler for inspiring me, and thanks to Tony’s Fresh Market for sponsoring the First Party for Bolingbrook and myself. No matter how long you’ve been in business, staying fresh is the key to success for both Tony’s and the First Party!”
A receptionist for Basta said she was working from home due to the “substantial spread of the Delta Variant in Will County.”
In the background of the video call, a woman in a biohazard suit walked up to Trustee Sheldon Watts, a member of the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party.
“Charlene,” said Watts. “What are you doing here in that biohazard suit? You’re vaccinated.”
“Not against the Omega variant,” Charlene replied.
“Omega variant?” asked Watts. “There’s no such thing.”
“Not yet, and I’m not waiting for a vaccine-resistant COVID strain to evolve before I start protecting myself. But let’s talk about the real reason I’m here.”
“I’m afraid to ask.”
“I’ll ignore that,” Charlene replied. “I have a great idea to improve your standing among Democrats.”
“You know I’m trying to transcend both parties and be a truly independent voice for Bolingbrook.”
“And we know how that went over in the last election,” Charline replied. “Anyway, you need to get #fercalicious!”
“What?”
“It’s the hottest thing among Democrats who want to work on their climate fitness. Just listen to Representative Sean Casten!”
Charlene started playing a video on her smartphone.
“Hold up!” Watts yelled. “This is one of your deep fakes. Right? A middle-aged congressman imitating Fergie to promote the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission?”
“You’re overthinking this!” replied Charline. She then stepped next to Watts and held up her cellphone. “Just channel your inner Will.I.Am and you’ll be a hit with the liberal residents on TikTok! Mary and (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere) will never put it down like you.”
Also in the Babbler:
Palatine resident burns yard to fight rose-killing vine
Trustee Carpanzano apologizes to the ghost of Mayor Rosenthal
Mayor Alexander-Basta sets record for most interviews with Egypt Today
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
A proposed online ad for “Mythical Easter,” a movie currently filming in Bolingbrook.
Despite the threat of protests, anonymous sources confirm that the village of Bolingbrook will allow the controversial movie “Mythical Easter” to be filmed in Bolingbrook.
“Mayor Mary (Alexander-Basta) wants to revive Bolingbrook’s economy,” said one of the sources, who wished to remain anonymous. “She thinks film production is a great way to generate local jobs and to promote Bolingbrook. We’ll even tolerate protesters as long as they don’t destroy property, and they spend their money at any of Bolingbrook’s fine establishments.”
In the scripts obtained by the Babbler, “Mythical Easter” is the story of a “brave genius atheist scientist” named Richard who discovers that a Christian billionaire is using his technology to send actors into the past to create the “Mythical Jesus.” The character is possibly based on Richard Carrier, a blogger and academic well known for his arguments against the existence of Jesus Christ and his questionable conduct towards women.
In the script, the billionaire, named David, explains his plan to the scientist, named Chuck:
David: Don’t you understand? If the world finds out that Jesus never existed, there will be chaos! Churches will go out of business. Conservatives will stop supporting Israel because there’s no point in trying to bring about the second coming of Christ if He never came to Earth in the first place. The Intellectual Dark Web will rule the world! I can’t let that happen!”
Richard assembles a “crack team” of scientists and mercenaries to defeat’s Chuck army of “mythical terrorists.” In one scene, Richard orders a scientist to send a scroll back in time:
Larry: Why are you sending this scroll two weeks before the team’s arrival?
David: To let all the single women know when I will be in Jerusalem and what times I will be available!
Larry: Makes sense.
In the climactic scene, Richard and Harriet confront the woman about to perform the role of Mary Magdalene:
Richard: You cannot deny my reasoning! Join us, and we will expose the myth of Jesus’ existence once and for all!
Mary Magdalene Actress: Oh Richard! My faith tells me I must play this role, but my heart is drawn to your superior intellect. Your young soul makes my old soul feel hot!
Richard: It is perfectly reasonable to desire me.
Harriet: But I want to have sex with you too! You can’t have sex with both us. Can you?
Richard: To save the enlightenment and Western Civilization, we must have a threesome!
Mary Actress: Oh Richard! You have a well-endowed intellect!
Some local religious leaders accuse “Mythical Easter” of being a“mockbuster” version of “Black Easter,” a movie about terrorists traveling back in time to kill Jesus. The director of “Mythical Easter,” Andy Z. Silverman, denies the accusation and claims the movie is not anti-Christian.
“Sure, all my heroes are fearless atheists, and all my villains are fearful Christians. Yes, my atheist characters survive because they love life, while my Christian characters die because they foolishly believe the afterlife is better. However, that doesn’t make my movies anti-Christian. A single Christploitation movie does more harm to Christianity than all the pro-atheist films combined! Go after the production companies that make these boring drama-free Christian movies, and let me film my atheistploitation movie in peace!”
Silverman denied being related to former atheist activist David Silverman and would not confirm rumors that Michael Shermer and Carrier are producers.
Crews will be filming outside the Weathertech and Ulta headquarters. Spokespersons for both companies refused to confirm if they paid any promotional fees to the production company.
Also in the Babbler:
President Biden visits all three Chicagoland UFO bases
Mayor Alexander-Basta vetos renaming Clow UFO Base ‘Clow UAP Base’
Church sues Bolingbrook after being denied a permit to build a mile-high cross
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/14/21
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.
As some of you know, I’ve been working on a novel for several years based on my Bolingbrook Babbler stories. I don’t regret taking a long time to write it, but sometimes I’ve wondered if the Winds of Winter would come out before I published The Rift.
Now the story is close to a publishable form, I’m going to take the rest of June off to focus on editing the novel. I’ll resume posting here in early July, hopefully after I’ve sent the draft to my editor.
It’s been quite a journey writing this story, but a journey has to end eventually. Hopefully, the destination is a book most of you will like.
On the eve of the first Juneteenth Holiday, Rabbi Adam Chalom, the rabbi of Kol Hadash and the North American Dean of International Institute for Secular Humanistic Judaism, discussed the history of slavery and the Jewish people. As he describes, the Jewish people neither dominated the slave trade nor were they all abolitionists. Instead, some Jewish people were involved with the slave trade, and some sought to abolish slavery in the United States. It is a complicated legacy.
As PZ announced, Freethought Blogs has paid off its legal debt related to Richard Carrier’s SLAPP suit.
We’ve been plugging away at out part — witness the various fundraisers we’ve put on — and then, in the last few weeks, we received some substantial donations from various anonymous and wonderful donors, including one for $8K, and … we paid off everything we owed.
If any of my readers donated, thank you! You’ve helped all the bloggers here and made a stand against people who abuse the legal process to silence their critics. Thank you, again.
Now I can finally go back to forgetting Richard Carrier and his quest to prove there never was a historical Jesus.