Video: Swearing in a new era in Bolingbrook (Out of Character)

After decades, the Bolingbrook Village Board now has a trustee who is not a member of Mayor Roger Claar’s political party.  Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of Bolingbrook United, was sworn last night, along with Claar and two other Bolingbrook First trustees.  A new era of bipartisan government has begun in Bolingbrook, and Bolingbrook First’s members didn’t seem to be pleased. As you can see from the video.

Bolingbrook First holds five out of six trustee seats, as well as mayor.  To me, this doesn’t mean a change in policies.  There will probably be some no votes, which used to be rare, and some debates during board meetings, which used to be unheard of.

Still, this is historic in the political history of Bolingbrook.

Sorry for the shaking video.  I would have bought a phone mount if I had realized the speeches would last as long as they did.

Web Exclusive: Did Trump compromise the Bolingbrook Golf Club? (Fiction)

Sources with friends who may work at the White House say President Donald Trump may have revealed the Bolingbrook Golf Club’ “self-destruct code” to the Russians.

File photo of Donald Trump at Clow International Airport.

During a meeting with a Russian delegation, Trump bragged about his memory.  The sources say he remembered meeting with Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar at the Golf Club.  Trump said he saw Claar enter a code on a keypad built into his desk.  A hidden safe opened up.  Inside were bottles of Trump Vodka, and bottles of Trump Ice.  Smiling at his guests, Trump then recited what he thought was the code.

According to sources, Trump misremembered the code, and accidentally gave the Russian the “self-destruct code” for the Golf Club.  Some of the sources saw a member of the Tass News Agency write down the code.

“Roger almost lost an election because he supported Trump,” said one of the sources.  “This is how Trump thanked him?”

Lenny, a village employee who asked that we not use his last name, confirmed the existence of the self-destruct device. According to Lenny, it was originally intended to prevent the club from falling into hands of a “hostile governmental unit or opposition party.”  The device, when activated, will release a noxious, but harmless, chemical into the clubhouse, rendering it unfit for occupation.  It will also disperse radioactive pellets across the golf course, turning it into a radiation hazard.

“I told Roger it was a bad idea,” said Lenny.  “The device could malfunction, or be used by his enemies.  But he insisted on having it because he was afraid the Cook County Democrats would try to steal the club from him.  I couldn’t persuade him that he was wrong, and now here we are.”

Another source within Village Hall, who asked to be called Chris, claims she received a written note intended from Claar while manning the front desk:  “He had a real thick accent and said Roger would ‘understand the message’.”

After delivering the message to Claar, Claar told Chris to call Vladimir Putin for him.  When she said she didn’t have his number, he replied:  “Google it!  That’s why we spend so much money on an Internet connection.  You didn’t think it was so you could read the Babbler while pretending to work?”

According to Lenny, everything worked out.  Putin promised not to destroy the Golf Club.  Golf Cub staff disarmed the device and expected to have it removed before Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz is sworn in.

“If he ever finds out about this, we’ll never hear him stop complaining.”

Public relations intern Charline Z. Spencer did not completely deny the existence of the device:  “There is no nuclear bomb inside the Bolingbrook Golf Club, and there are no napalm canisters under each golf hole.  The story, as you described it, is not accurate.  These statements are fun to say!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Of course I’m with you until the bloody end.  Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.  Still, you might want to meet some civics teachers I—Don’t you ever talk to me like that!  You may be the President of the United States, but I’m the Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Web Exclusive: Flat Earth believers reapply for charter school in Valley View School District 365U (Fiction)

The Flat Out Truth Educational corporation, a company that promotes “reexamination of Flat Earth Theory,” announced that it would reapply for a charter school in the Valley View 365U School District.

An illustration of the alternative “Pond Earth Theory.”

Company president Marc I. Hill stated he was very hopeful that the application would be accepted this time: “In 2014, we were ahead of our time.  Now the world has changed.  Rappers can rap about our Flat Earth and still have a career.  An NBA player can criticize globalist thinking and still have a career.  Flat Earth memes populate the Internet.  More importantly, Betsy DeVos is now the Secretary of Education.  Valley View won’t have a choice but to accept our charter school.  Just look at what she did for Detroit!”

According to Hill, the charter school will teach students from Kindergarten through Fifth Grade.  All textbooks will be published by Flat Out Truth, and all lessons will encourage “skepticism of popular globalist views.”  Science textbooks will present the “theory” of how the Earth is an infinite plain of ice.  Humans live in a “warm oasis surrounded by walls of ice.”  History textbooks will present “theories” about how globe manufacturers persuaded governments to cover up flat earth theory, and news stations prevented people from getting too close to the ice walls.

“Have you ever wondered why there’s a military base at the so-called South Pole?”

Hill says that the school will also promote the religious faith of its students:

“Revelations 7.1 says the Earth has four corners.  Qur’an 20:53 says the Earth is spread out like a carpet.  Science says otherwise.  Who should our students trust?  God or Richard Dawkins?”

No school board members would comment for this article, but president Steve Quigley did laugh before hanging up.

A science teacher, who asked not to be identified, said there was no reason to teach Flat Earth Theory in the Valley View curriculum:

“The ancient greeks knew the Earth was a globe.  They could tell because they could see new constellations when they traveled further south.  They also noticed during lunar eclipses that the shadow of the Earth is round.  Eratosthenes accurately determined the circumference of the Earth in 240 BC.  We have photos that show the Earth is a globe.  The horizon itself is a product of the curvature of the Earth.  Anyone can see the curvature of the Earth if they fly in a high-altitude aircraft.  So who are you going to trust?  Scientists and the patriotic pilots in the air force, or neo-Nazi Tila Tequila?”

Hill says he not worried about possible resistance from “globalist union teachers”:

“All I have to do is give a large donation to Bolingbrook’s Mayor Roger Claar, and we’ll be up and running in no time!”

When called for comment, a receptionist said Claar was discussing business with intern Charline Spencer, and could not be disturbed.  She added:  “Roger believes—no, knows– that the Earth is a globe.  He also doesn’t control the board of education.  End of discussion.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:  “Okay, Charline, tell me your idea for the podcast ad.”

Spencer replied:  “Come to the Taste of Bolingbrook on June 17 and 18 at the Promenade Bolingbrook.  All of the great food you expect with none of the Cook County Democrats!”

“Not bad.”

Eyewitnesses: Bolingbrook Village Board members desperately avoiding each other (Fiction)

Are the members of Bolingbrook Village Board avoiding each other?  Eyewitness accounts suggest that they are.

Dena, who asked that we not use her last name, said she saw trustees Maria Zarate and Deresa Hoogland at Ikea.  According to Dena, the two didn’t notice each other at first.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“I was so excited,” said Dena.  “I’m a big fan of (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) and his trustees.  So I said hi.  Then things became really strange.”

According to Dena, the two trustees noticed each other.  Dena said they started wide-eyed at each other for a second then started screaming.  Each of them ran in the opposite direction, and out of Dena’s sight.

“I have no idea what that was about.”

Paul, who also asked that we not use his last name, said he spotted trustees Michael Lawler and Sheldon Watts on Boughton Road.  Watts was driving his car while Lawler was an Uber passenger.  According to Paul, both cars were at a stoplight.  When Lawler looked out the window at Watts, he started screaming.  Watts turned and screamed when he saw Lawler.  Paul claims that Lawler took off his coat and covered his window with it.  Watts averted his eyes from Lawler’s car.  When the light turned red Watts accelerated away.

“I don’t get it,” said Paul.  “They’re normally so nice to each other.”

Lisa, a waitress at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, said she noticed odd behavior from Trustee Ricardo Morales:

“I was serving his chicken wrap.  I think we were calling it a New York Chicken Wrap that day.  Anyway, I casually mentioned that Roger was hanging out in the President’s Room.  He turned pale and his eyes widened.  He said: ‘I’m taking the plate.  Put this on Mr. Washington’s expense account, and give yourself a 25 percent tip.  I was never here!’  Then he ran off.  I wonder if Mr. Washington knows he has an expense account here?”

Another anonymous source said that before his group could meet in Trustee Leroy Brown’s office, they had to sign a form stating that they were not elected Bolingbrook officials.

Pete, who claims to work inside Village Hall, stated that: “The board is afraid that if any trustees are seen together, Trustee-Elect Robert Jaskiewicz will say they’re holding an official meeting, and demand to be immediately sworn in.

“We’ve had single party rule since the 1990s,” said Pete.  “We’re in no hurry to start experimenting with bi-partisan government.  I think its one of the reasons the May 9 meeting was canceled.  We’re delaying the inevitable until near the end of the May 23 meeting.”

According to another anonymous source in Village Hall, Jaskiewicz and another person were seen standing in front of Claar’s office.  Jaskiewicz knocked on the door and said:  “Hello Roger?  Are you having a meeting in there?  If you are, you need to let me in.  I even did you a favor and brought Representative Bill Foster so you don’t have to swear me in. He’ll do it for you!”

Charline Z. Spencer, public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, denied that the trustees were avoiding each other:  “The Open Meetings Act has guidelines on what constitutes a meeting.  Merely being in the same room with other elected officials does not constitute a meeting.”  She added:  “Bob, Roger, and Leroy were at a Rotary club function a few days ago without any incident.  So that disproves your story right there.  Try to be more like the Bolingbrook Patch.  They didn’t question me when I oversold the Paul Harris Fellow recognition Leroy received.”

Spencer could not provide the reason for the cancellation of the May 9 Board meeting but insisted it had nothing to do with Jaskiewicz.

Spencer, however, feels that Jaskiewicz will change the culture in Village Hall: “Things have been very quiet since I started, but that’s going to change.  Once Bob is sworn in, it’s going to be like an episode of Game of Thrones!  Minus the sex and violence, of course.”

Also in the Babbler:

Russia steals weather machine from Soviets!
Man accuses Mayor Claar of hiding a tunnel to the center of the Earth
Half of IL-6 vows to run against Rep. Peter Roskam
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/11/17

Web Exclusive: Royce Road truthers slam ‘fake flood’ stories (Fiction)

The editors of “The Real Bolingbrook News” secret subreddit announced in a post that they doubt the news that Royce Road is flooded:

“This is fake news, by fake reporters and fake eyewitnesses!”

They also write: “Instead of acknowledging the victory of Roger Claar and the First Party for Bolingbrook First, the lying press is making up stories about floods to smear them.  The Reddit army must not stand for this!”

During a Skype chat, a man who identified himself as BB1, pointed out several “anomalies” in the flood reports:

“There’s a video of a supposed rescue along Royce Road.  Yet, as a lifelong Bolingbrook Bengal, I don’t remember a section of the road looking like that.  Plus, I’m almost positive I’ve seen the man playing Battalion Chief Dan Graff, in a movie. I’m sure he’s a crisis actor.  Furthermore, look at the car.  I’m sure it could have kept going.  If the flood waters are so dangerous, why is he casually walking and standing around?  This is fake.”

According to official sources, it is dangerous to drive into standing water that is more 5 inches deep, and no one should drive into water that is over nine inches deep.  Six inches of rushing flood waters can knock a person over.

Still, the 10 members of the subreddit insist all the Royce Road flood footage is fake.

Member MissiForever explained in a post: “Roger Clair (sic) created the Bolingbrook Golf Club to prevent local flooding.  Roger always knows what’s best.  That’s why he endorsed Trump. If Royce Road is flooded, that means Roger is wrong and endorsing Trump was wrong.  As long as I bleed blue and purple, I know that Roger is right.  Therefore Royce Road isn’t flooded and Trump is making us great again!”

When presented with eyewitness accounts of Royce Road being flooded, and personal accounts of basements in Bolingbrook flooding, the members said the witnesses were brainwashed.

In their joint statement, they blamed Will County Trustee, and former Bolingbrook mayoral candidate, Jackie Traynere, for staging the recent flood scenes in the news:

“Jackie is using her influence in Will County to stage these obviously fake scenes.  She is trying to get her revenge against Roger by using the liberal media to smear him. We cannot let her get away with this.  Roger is the best mayor Bolingbrook has had in its 60-year history!”

When reached for comment, Traynere said that she supports the brave members of the Bolingbrook Fire Department, and laughed at the Reddit group.

Charlene Z. Spencer, a public relations intern for the Village of Bolingbrook, confirmed what most residents already knew:

“Unfortunately, Bolingbrook does flood.  The land used for the Golf Club is also part of our floodplain control efforts.  We have never said it would prevent all flooding in Bolingbrook.  I will add that Roger believes the Golf Club will consistently turn a profit someday.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “You’re lucky my officers arrested you before you drove into the water.  I know you saw the signs before driving around the barriers.  What part of ‘Road Closed’ didn’t you understand?”

Web Exclusive: Police save Village Board meeting from performance artists (Fiction)

The Bolingbrook police secret cybercrime team prevented the April 25 board meeting from becoming a work of “performance art.”

According to police inside sources, the Performance Art League of Bolingbrook tried to promote the 4/25/17 Village Board meeting as an “encore presentation of our greatest play, Village of the Bored!”  Since 1983, members of the mysterious league have attempted to “re-appropriate” public events in Bolingbrook as works of performance art.  Their most notable production was the 6/9/09  Village Board meeting.  Their last production was A Village for Old Men in 2015, which appropriated Bolingbrook’s celebration of its 50th anniversary.

A member of the cybercrime team, who asked to be called Anita, explained why the team couldn’t let this performance go on:  “These hoaxes start out as jokes. They are like broken windows.  They lead to greater crimes.  So today it’s people sending out phony press releases.  Tomorrow it’s people sending death threats for ‘the lulz.’  In a few weeks, the village board is hiding in elevator shafts, and the village is overrun with Internet trolls.  Our actions saved Bolingbrook.”

The sources agreed that the Bolingbrook police asked local newspapers not to cover the league’s press releases, and compelled Facebook to remove posts mentioning Village of the Bored.  On the day of the meeting, officers were on the alert for people handing out flyers or “program guides” for the “play.”

Team member “Zoe,” (not her real name), described how she protected Town Center: “I was standing by the door when I saw this guy with a backpack walking towards me.  I told him I wanted to search it.  He called me a TSA Officer in the airport of life.  I approached him, and he ran away.  I’m pretty sure he was a member of the league.  I protected (Mayor Roger Claar) from having to read a ridiculous pamphlet.”

Two men did hear about the “performance.”

Dave described his experience:  “I was excited at first.  The mayor mentioned a canvas, and I thought it was going to be an audience participation activity.  As the meeting went on, something seemed off.  I checked the Bolingbrook website and realized I was watching a real meeting.  I was so embarrassed that I left before the mayor could laugh at me.”

John was less charitable:  “The writer of this play needed to show boredom not bore the audience!  That attempt at a tear-jerking speech near the end didn’t save this lazy production!”

The Bolingbrook Performance Art League sent an e-mail to the Babbler announcing that their next project would be placing frozen peaches around the village “to remind Roger that Bolingbrook is a part of the United States, and we will speak out no matter what.”

When called, a receptionist for Claar said that he was “giving an orientation to Trustee-elect Robert Jaskiewicz”, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Look at all these fine beverages I keep in my office bar.  You know what, Bob?  None of them are for you.”

Web Exclusive: Illuminati celebrates Mayor Claar’s re-election (Fiction)

The Illuminati kept its hold on Bolingbrook as Mayor Roger Claar defeated New World Order backed challenger, Jackie Traynere, by 151 votes.  The win means the Illuminati will maintain in control of Clow UFO Base.

Shortly after Traynere conceded, Claar addressed an Illuminati victory party in a hidden room at Lou Malnati’s in Bolingbrook:

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

“The Cook County Democrats and their Bolingbrook United puppets just learned a valuable lesson: Nothing conquers my campaign fund!  I had to spend over $235,000 dollars for this victory!  It was worth it, don’t you agree?”

Claar added that media outlets considered the race a referendum on President Trump’s performance.

“I guess Trump is doing just fine,”  Claar said.

Village Clerk Carol Penning, who narrowly won re-election herself, was especially happy.

“Our opponents wanted to conduct an audit.  Well, we’re going to do our own audit, if you know what I mean.”

Trustee Michael Lawler later walked up to the podium and held up a glass of what appeared to be orange juice, but was actually a screwdriver. “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty for more!”

Trustee Maria Zarate thanked the crowd and promised to keep doing her best to “illuminate Bolingbrook.”

Defeated Trustee Sheldon Watts delivered an emotional concession speech: “It pains me to be the first member of Roger’s slate to lose in the 21st Century.  I will take some comfort knowing that Roger is still Bolingbrook!”

Claar again addressed the crowd. He promised them that: “Watts would return, once the next step on the Illuminated Path is complete.”

Claar also had another promise: “Those of you who truly support me will never know thirst.  Ford!”

At an undisclosed location, members of the New World Order celebrated Robert Jaskiewicz’s victory, making him the first opposition candidate elected to Bolingbrook in the 21st Century.  The crowd chanted “Bolingbrook’s for Bob” as he approached the podium.

“To the nearly half of voters who voted against Roger, I say that you now have a voice on the Village Board.  It would have been nice to have company on the board, but we’ll take what we can and build on it.”  He added: “For decades, the New World Order helped Roger build Bolingbrook.  He betrayed us for the fake Illuminati.  Roger, I look forward to working with you, but my mission is clear.  I’m going to put Bolingbrook back in order.  If you know what I mean.”

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar denies he’s ‘evacuating’ from Bolingbrook this weekend (Fiction)

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar insisted that his trip to Saturn’s moon Enceladus is a vacation, and not related to a possible war with North Korea.

“You guys are always jumping to conclusions!”  Said Claar.  “Let me set you straight.  You just found out about this trip, so you assumed that I am evacuating from Bolingbrook.  I’m not!”

Claar insists that his family was invited by Melania Trump to attend the grand opening of the Trump Enceladus Resort. He did not explain why the trip was only added to his itinerary this week.

“That’s just how things worked out,”  Claar replied.

Claar added that he was looking forward to the wine and cheese event on Saturday.  “The bacteria on Enceladus is used to make the best cheese in the solar system.  That moon just happened to be in the news when Melania called. I had to say yes because it is a great honor to be invited to taste that cheese.”

Claar added that the bacteria are grown on the surface of Enceladus. According to Claar, cheese production does not affect the underground ocean.

Another event Claar said he was looking forward to is the Easter Egg Roll. “This is the event she actually put effort into.  It will be much better than the White House event.  The low gravity will make it fun to watch.”

When reporters from the interstellar media kept asking questions about the possibility of World War III, Claar finally answered them.  “In the unlikely event of a nuclear war with China or Russia, I have ensured the continuity of government while I am away. Deputy Mayor Leroy Brown will be in the bunker below the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  The other trustees will be safe at Clow UFO Base.  Bob (Jaskiewicz) will have to fend for himself until he’s sworn in as trustee.”

Claar then handed a Brown a tablet and the key to open its case.

“I’m handing Bolingbrook over to you.  I’m sure you’ll do a good job like you always do.”

Brown sighed.  “Thanks a lot, Roger.”

Claar said he should be back before April 25, “barring any unforeseen events.”

Election fallout! A Bolingbrook Babbler special report (Fiction)

The results from the municipal election 4, 2017 municipal election are still sending shockwaves around Chicagoland.  The following is a special report on the stories the mainstream media are not covering.

Priory of Sion sends more election observers to Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

With the Bolingbrook election down to valid provisional ballots and absentee ballots, the Priory of Sion’s electoral monitoring team summoned more observers.  The winner of the mayoral race will determine whether the Illuminati or the New World Order will control Clow UFO Base.

“We have been entrusted by the New World Order and the Illuminati to make sure this is a fair election,”  said high observer Rene Fludd.  “With the vote count this close, and the stakes so high, we would rather have too many observers, than too few.”

The current vote tally has Mayor Roger Claar, a member of the Bolingbrook First party, ahead by 102 votes over Bolingbrook United candidate Jackie Traynere.  Claar officially switched allegiance to the Illuminati following Donald Trump’s victory in November.  Traynere is allied with the New World Order.

“We know that there are people who will try to fool us,” said Fludd.  “Just remember, we are the people who convinced Christians that Jesus died on the cross, and fooled atheists into believing that Jesus never existed.  It is not so easy to trick us.”

Traynere could not be reached for comment.

The receptionist for Claar said he was in an important meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar spoke: “Looks like we’re going to be losing Trustee Sheldon Watts and Bolingbrook United will gain Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz.”

“Is that bad?”  Asked someone.

“Yes, but I have a plan for the next term.  We’ll keep doing what we always do and if something goes wrong, we’ll blame Bob.  Agree with me.”

“We agree,” replied the group.

Admins of anti-Claar Facebook page granted asylum in Florida 

Sources say the admins of the Facebook group Vote Roger Claar out in 2017 fled Bolingbrook following’s Claar apparent victory.  They also say the admins have been granted asylum in Little Bolingbrook, a community hidden somewhere in Florida.

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, explained why they left: “Roger is a very powerful mayor with a temper.  Unless you’re a competent lawyer or a politician with lots of connections, he can make your life hell.  My friends just couldn’t take that chance.”

Little Bolingbrook was founded in the 1990s by former politicians, business owners, and activists who tried to defeat Claar but failed.  It is unknown how many former Bolingbrook residents live there, but estimates range from 1 to 1000.

Little Bolingbrook Mayor Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea released the following statement: The admins of this Facebook group are safe behind our city’s gates.  Roger’s evil hands cannot touch them here.  His hit and run trustee cannot drive here.  His slanderous trustees, who accuse us of investigating a school board member to death, have no platform here.  The admins will stay here until 2021 when they will return to post about the election that will finally bring down Roger.  Then I will return in 2025 to destroy Bolingbrook United and assume my rightful role as Mayor of Bolingbrook!”

Lisle’s trees fire Mayor Broda

Lisle’s Treeocracy fired Mayor Joe Broda and announced Chris Pecak as his replacement.

“After sixteen years,” read a statement from the sentient trees, “Joe became boring.  We do not like boring.  We don’t expect to be bored by Chris, and we expect him to be our loyal servant and entertainer.”

Paula, a Lisle resident who asked that her last name not be used, recalled when the trees ordered her to vote for Pecak:

“I had just stepped out of my car when a branch touched my shoulder.  I heard a whisper tell me to vote for Chris.  I was going to vote for Joe, because I thought the trees wanted me to.  I didn’t know they had changed their minds.  But they told me and I did what they said.  I think— I know it’s for the best.  The trees love Lisle.  Lisle loves the trees.  I love the trees!”

A spokesperson for Pecak’s party, Prosperity for Lisle, said, “Chris will do whatever the trees want him to do.  Now go away!”

Broda, reached by phone, said, “As if this week couldn’t get any worse?  I thought the trees kicked you out of the village years ago.”

Space aliens canvass for both Bolingbrook parties (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Aliens are canvassing and volunteering for both Bolingbrook First and Bolingbrook United campaigns for the April 4 municipal elections.

“This is very unusual,”  said a source who is familiar with both parties.   “Normally we might have one or two aliens from Clow base volunteer for (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar).  This year we have several aliens working for both parties.  I guess the whole galaxy is watching this election.”

Under current treaties, aliens are allowed to volunteer for political campaigns, as long as they are disguised as humans.  Aliens are not allowed to donate or solicit funds for candidates, nor can they vote, unless they have US citizenship.

Koilz Pogoiz, a volunteer for Bolingbrook First, says he loves the Illuminati and is proud to support Claar:  “Claar is so awesome that his trustees are speechless at board meetings.  I know he’s been tired and grumpy during this campaign.  My enthusiasm, however, will make up for it, and help lead us to victory.”

While canvassing, Pogoiz spoke with a resident on Monroe RD:

“Do you like Bolingbrook?”, asked Pogoiz.

“Yes!”

“Then you should vote for the Bolingbrook First slate because they’ve made Bolingbrook great since 1986!”

“But didn’t Roger raise millions of dollars for Donald Trump?”

“That’s national politics.  This is Bolingbrook!  This election has nothing to do with Trump.”

“But if Roger is willing to raise millions for a man who called Mexicans immigrants rapists, and campaigned for a ban on Muslims, doesn’t that mean Roger is willing to appoint officials who share those views?”

“Do you really want to risk Bolingbrook’s greatness for those kind of people?”

The resident slammed the door.

Xligost, an alien working for Bolingbrook United, says Bolingbrook needs a change in leadership:

“I miss the old moderate Republican Roger who loved Bolingbrook.  This Roger is mean and doesn’t care about the residents.  He only cares about the companies and people who donate to his campaign fund.  We have to get rid of this Roger.  Jackie will be fair to us!”

Xligost, while canvassing Berkeley, DR, spoke with a resident:

“Bolingbrook United has no positions,” said the resident.  “I can’t make sense of their web page, and Roger says they have no ideas.  I trust Roger over Jackie!”

“They do have positions,” replied Xligost.  “They want to: End automatic pay raises for elected officials, eliminate special deals for political donors, make the village website more accessible, only collect one salary each from the village, conduct an independent audit of Bolingbrook’s finances, assemble a committee to reduce Bolingbrook’s debt, and look into offering garbage cans for all homes.”

“Like they’ll actually do that.  Jackie is endorsed by Cook County politicians, and gets political donations from Cook County!”

“Roger gets donations from around the country, including from companies that do business with the Village.  You know that mailer you’re holding?  It comes from a Chicago-based Super PAC.  If Roger is so popular, why does he need help from Cook County Republicans?”

“He needs help to fight the evil Democrat Party and George Soros!  I like Roger today.  I will vote for him tomorrow.  I hope he’s mayor forever!”

The resident slammed the door.

Both aliens defended canvassing for their candidates.

“All we’re doing is delivering our message to the voters,” said Pogoiz.  “They will listen to us and make the final choice.”

Xligost added, “If our actions result in a high voter turnout, and residents taking a prolonged interest in their local government, then Bolingbrook will be the real winner of this election.”

Also in the Babbler: 

Mayor Claar splurges on UFO advertising
Vernon Hills Township candidates propose UFO Base
Naperville Republicans deny plans to bus voters into Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/6/17