Will 2023 be a worse year for Elon Musk than 2022? (“Elon Musk” by dmoberhaus is licensed under CC BY 2.0.)
Our council of psychics nailed their predictions for 2022. Sen. Joe Manchin didn’t support the Build Back Better plan. Elon Musk suffered a disaster, and The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story was the top selling Urban Fantasy/Sci-Book set in Bolingbrook that didn’t mention Drew Peterson.
While Bolingbrook police officers didn’t stage a coup, we believe Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta read our psychics prediction and decided not to fly the Thin Bread Crust flag.
So armed with these successes, we’re proud to announce our council of psychics shocking predictions for 2023!
Mayor Alexander-Basta will announce that she will use an AI to “supplement” Bolingbrook’s current managers. Trustee Michael Carpanzano will hail the AI as an example of the “Bold, forward thinking that puts Bolingbrook first!” However, the AI will be shut down with no explanation. Anonymous sources will claim the AI’s advice amounted to “raising taxes and abolishing all villages services.”
J. K. Rowling will tweet, “Because the Y Chromosome is defective, all men should be imprisoned!” She will then release a 10,000-page novel in which the female protagonist discovers space aliens created men to stunt humanity’s progress. Professor Richard Dawkins will continue to defend her right to free speech, but add, “Yes, the Y Chromosome is a defective X Chromosome, but that doesn’t mean all men should be imprisoned. Only some men should be imprisoned, and I know I’m not one of them.” Her sales will plummet but then recover when she tweets that she’s being “canceled.”
Congress will debate a bill to ban TikTok in the United States become of the company’s connection to China. Supporters of the ban will claim it TikTok is being used to steal personal information from US Citizens.
An anonymous Chinese official will deny that the Chinese Government uses TikTok to spy on US Citizens.
“We wanted to create an app that would cause Americans to humiliate themselves willingly on the Internet. That’s the real goal of the algorithm. Though we’re pleasantly surprised by the success of #Booktok. When the time is right, we’ll use it to promote the Little Red Book 2.0.”
The Bolingbrook Village Board election will heat up when a First Party for Bolingbrook candidate is overheard praying for God to bring Bolingbrook Independent Party candidate Sheldon Watts “home.” When asked about the controversy, Alexander-Basta will reply, “I think Sheldon will need God to take him home after the voters declare their independence from him.”
Freethought Blogs member Abe Drayton will publish the best-selling Sci-Fi novel of 2023.
A judge in downstate Illinois will rule that the Democratic Party’s existence violates the state constitution and will order all elected Democratic officials to resign or face arrest.”
In his ruling, the judge will write: “Let’s be honest. There’s no way this ruling will survive an appeal. But it will secure lots of Republican votes when I’m up for reelection.”
The Edgar County Watchdogs will travel around Illinois demanding the resignation of all Democrats. An official will ask if a judge ordered the Edgar County Watchdogs to jump off a bridge, would they jump?
One member will say no because they know more about Illinois’s laws than any lawyer or judge in the state.
Elon Musk will insist on piloting Starship on its first orbital flight. At first, the mission goes so well, humanity will almost forgive him for bankrupting Twitter. Just before landing Starship, Musk will announce, “The technology that will guide my ship to a safe landing is the same auto-pilot technology used in Teslas.”
That turns out to be Musk’s final sentence. Starship will crash into the launch tower, killing Musk. An investigation will determine that the autopilot detected the ground but decided it didn’t need to stop because no one important would die in a crash.
Space X and Tesla stocks will plummet, and Musk’s fans will insist he faked his death to “trigger the libs.” Alleged photos of Musk alive and in hiding will circulate for centuries.
Also in the Babbler:
Happy New Year, from the Staff of the Babbler
Clow UFO Base bans high stakes dreidel games.
Bolingbrook resident revived from suspended animation to receive COVID treatment
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/3/23
Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.
I am also the author of The Bolingbrook Babbler Stories. For book updates and a free ebook, sign up for my newsletter. Pathways to Bolingbrook, and The Rift are available at Amazon and elsewhere. You can support my work by buying one of my books.
Musk the new Elvis? Man, I’d totally forgotten about that “Elvis Lives” phenomenon. Been a few years. In fact, I’d kinda forgotten Elvis existed until a few months before the Baz Luhrmann movie was announced, when some vibe hit me from across the ocean of time. I looked him up on yewchoob and rocked out for a bit.
@Great American Satan. I remember the “Elvis Lives” phenomenon too. At the very least, he lived on through merchandising. 🙂
I visited Graceland way back in high school. Let’s just say he didn’t have a second career as an interior designer. 🙂
remember “going to graceland” by the dead milkmen?