“We’re first!” A Bolingbrook Babbler post-election special report


We sent out teams of reporters to cover the 2019 Consolidated Election in Bolingbrook. The following are their stories:

Illuminati celebrates First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the Village Trustee race

At an Illuminati victory party held at the Bolingbrook Golf Club, Mayor Roger Claar announced the First Party for Bolingbrook’s sweep of the trustee race:

“We’re first!”

The audience of Illuminati dignitaries roared with excitement.

“We kept Bolingbrook. We kept Clow UFO Base. We kept the New World Order at bay. Ford!”

Claar then brought in the winning candidates, Michael Carpanzano, Mary Sabri Alexander-Basta, and current Trustee Sheldon Watts.

Claar said: “I want to thank the people who cast over 11,000 thousand votes for my trustees. To the people who cast over 9 thousand votes against me, shame on you! The Illuminati is winning. We will destroy all nations and only great communities, like Bolingbrook, will remain. Before I die, I will have absolute power in Bolingbrook, and no one, not even the state democratic party, will save my foes from my wrath!”

Watts wiped tears from his eyes as he made his victory speech: “Two years ago, I finished in last place, and shamed Roger. On that day, I turned my life over, again, to the greatest engineer in the universe, God. Today, I finished first. I feel like I have been resurrected, and I could experience stigmata at any moment! Thanks Roger, for not casting me back to the pit of the DuPage Township.”

Carpanzano reached out to residents who didn’t vote for him: “If you didn’t vote for us, even though we care, I will be happy to re-educate you. If you refuse to be re-educated, and still support our foes over the residents of Bolingbrook, then—”

Carpanzano pulled out a rubber carp from his coat pocket and extended his arm. The dignitaries chanted, “Carp! Carp!”

Alexander-Basta nervously thanked the gathered dignitaries. “Thank all of you for your support. I can’t wait to work with our alien friends to make the Bolingbrook STEM association the best STEM group in human history. Um, Roger. Am I supposed to say ‘Ford’ or ‘Fnord’ at this point?”

“Doesn’t matter. What matters is that you will support me when I announce my plans to build a space elevator and take out more bonds to do it, yes?”

“Um. I guess, since that debt would be good debt and we can never have too much good debt. I think?”

Claar laughed. “I’m just joking. Don’t worry. You’re going to be fit right in with all the other trustees I’ve had over the years.”

No Candidate Filed celebrates Plainfield Library Board victory

Two years ago, a Plainfield resident woke up and discovered that he had legally changed his name to No Candidate Filed. He thought he had ruined his life. Today, he is now a trustee on the Plainfield Library Board.

“Anything is possible in the Southwest Suburbs,” said Filed. “If I can make it, anyone can!”

Filed said his first priority was to make sure the Library Board is run like a governmental body, and not a business.

“I don’t think Jason Cann and I are going to get along, but I don’t care. God is on my side!”

Bolingbrook United tells New World Order: We’re not done yet!

Despite failing to gain any seats on the Bolingbrook Village Board, Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz told New World Order dignitaries to look at the positives.

“Before election night,” he said to the crowd gathered at the New World Order victory party, “Bolingbrook United only had one elected official. Today, we have a representative on the Park District, the Plainfield Library Board, and the Joliet Junior College board. When all the votes are counted, we might even have a seat on the Valley View Board. I would have liked an ally on the village board, but I can live with the fact that Roger will now have to deal with dissenting opinions on three or four boards. That’s progress.”

Jaskiewicz also mentioned that it took Claar decades to build his political machine, and it wouldn’t go away over night.

“Next time, we’ll be even more prepared, and we’ll have our secret weapon.”

Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere then took the podium and said: “I’ll be back.”

Maripat Oliver consoles her alien cheerleaders

By Reporter X

DuPage Township trustee and former Village Trustee candidate Maripat Oliver visited Clow UFO Base to console the Maripats, an alien cheerleader squad.

“I was so moved when I heard your first cheer,” said Oliver. She then cheered, “Maripat is where it’s at!” She later added, “When my car was vandalized, I thought about that cheer, and knew that I had to keep running.”

“We’re sorry we couldn’t vote for you,” said Poxdosk. “We can’t stand the thought of Roger running this UFO Base again. Did you know that he’s already demanding that his office be stocked with rum and Coke?”

Though Maripat Oliver never held any campaign events at Clow, the Maripats marched around Clow and recited cheers in support of her campaign.

“I think we got one person to vote for you.” The alien started to ooze green tears from its arms. “But it wasn’t enough.”

Oliver hugged each cheerleader, with their permission, then asked them for help.

“There are two creepy men who drive over 200 miles just to bully me at township meetings. It would really be nice of all of you to dress up in human suits, and cheer me on whenever they speak.”

“We can do that!”

Bored Billionaire endorses 2021 Bolingbrook mayoral candidate

Peter Z. Zinn, who claims to be Bolingbrook’s only billionaire, announced that he was backing James Gaston for mayor in 2021.

“His ideas are so outside the box that you can’t see the box from where they are. He’ll be a fun candidate to watch, and fun candidates make fun campaigns. I like fun campaigns. Especially after this race. We need more fun in Bolingbrook.”

According to Gaston’s platform, he intends to:

* Make every governing body in Bolingbrook to donate .3 percent of their funding to a college fund.

* Make Bolingbrook self-sufficient enough that it could eliminate all taxes

* Build a village owned apartment complex and rent it for a profit.

* Bring a minor league team to Bolingbrook.

* Expand Clow Airport and bring in major airlines to offer passenger service.

Instead of donating to Gaston’s campaign, Zinn said he would from a Super PAC to back Gaston and any trustee candidates that endorsed his platform.

“I don’t want to get in his way, but I do want to make sure he gets his way once he’s elected.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Gaston campaign said, “You know, if the village owned an atheist blog network like Freethought Blogs, we could eliminate all local taxes, and still have enough to buy out WeatherTech! Those bloggers must be billionaires!”

Note: This is a work of fiction.