Chicagoland is bracing for Russia’s latest weather attack. Sources say they are using their Tesla weather control tower to unleash Winter Storm Jayden and record cold temperatures on Bolingbrook and the rest of Chicagoland. We sent out a team of reporters to see how our region is preparing for this attack.
Bolingbrook’s warming centers will not discriminate based on secret society membership.
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar says staff at its warming centers will not ask residents about their secret society affiliations:
“Just because I’m a member of the Illuminati does not mean I want my residents to freeze to death. Oh, and I suppose I don’t want my foes who live in Bolingbrook to freeze either. If your heater doesn’t work, come to a center to warm your heart and mind. Then remember this moment when a foe knocks on your door and says I’m evil!”
An anonymous member of Bolingbrook United, which is affiliated with the New World Order, sent this reply:
“We think it is great that Bolingbrook has warming centers, and we support them too. We also support the idea that snowplows shouldn’t leave piles of snow in front of our residents’ driveways. Warming centers are useless if residents can’t reach them.”
Anonymous DuPage Township Trustee: Not even Winter Storm Jayden! will stop us from electing a new Supervisor
The DuPage Township will still hold a special meeting on January 29 at 7 PM at 241 Canterbury LN, Bolingbrook, IL to elect a new Supervisor.
“We need to replace (Former Supervisor William Mayer),” said an anonymous DuPage Township Trustee. “And nothing will stop us. If a nuclear war starts on that day, we will still find a way to meet!”
The Trustee added that no one should risk their lives to attend:
“You must assess the risk if you are thinking about attending our meeting. Is driving over 200 miles to tell us we must resign really worth risking your car breaking down and freezing to death in the middle of downstate Illinois?”
Clow and other Chicagoland UFO Bases insist they are ready for the bad weather
By Reporter X
Despite Chicago being the target of a Russian weather attack, all three UFO Bases expect to remain open.
“Clow UFO Base has excellent traffic control systems,” said Aplodoxage Glomox, the Acting Administrator of Clow UFO Base. “Plus, most interstellar spacecraft are designed to withstand conditions found on Jovian planets and planets like Venus. This storm is nothing compared to the Great Red Spot.”
Paul X. Zacks, Administrator for Peotone UFO Base, says he expects business as usual during the week:
“We’re expecting freight from Titan on Wednesday,” said Zacks. “The captain told me the crew wants to step outside and enjoy the ‘warm’ weather.”
He also added that staff will live inside the base during the weather attack.
Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen insists Rob Sherman UFO Base will be able to handle severe weather this time:
“All the problems we had last time were due to Illuminati sabotage. We’ve upped security, and added more traffic control centers. I’ve assured the New World Order that we are ready to accept the delegation from Pluto and not to worry about that Illuminati attack against Durty Nellies.”
Mayor Jim Schwantz then walked into the office.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m just telling this reporter that your State of the Village Address is still on for January 30.”
“Of course it is. The state of the village is great, just like the Chicago Bears! You should also mention that unlike a certain village south of us, my address is free and open to the public!”
Bolingbrook Skeptics deny Russian Weather attack
The Bolingbrook Skeptics sent out a press release insisting that the Russians do not have a weather control machine.
“Tesla is overrated and only cited by unenlightened people. We call upon all Bolingbrook residents to ignore this weather control nonsense and focus on more important issues. Like the rise of Critical Theory!”
Also in the Babbler:
Babbler is not laying off reporters
Wereskunks deny forcing residents to house wild skunks
Chicago residents disappointed that Lake Michigan monster is still alive
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/30/19