Wereskunks outraged as village board prepares to end Bolingbrook’s garbage toter ban (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks are outraged that a proposed garbage collection contract will allow residents to rent garbage toters.

Liz, Bolingbrook Priestess of Paper, said: “Even thinking about allowing toters is sacrilegious!(Mayor Emeritus Roger Claar) promised the Easter Skunk sanctuary for all of Chicagoland’s skunks. Our cousins risked their lives during the Great Scampering for the promise of free garbage. Bolingbrook cannot break this divine promise.”

Liz hopes the board can be persuaded to change the contract. She stated: “We’re going to tell voters that toters are not free, therefore they are a threat to freedom. This should mobilize enough voters to intimidate the board.”

Pog, leader of the werekunk’s Defender Caste, said the wereskunks will cause “bad trouble” if Bolingbrook ends its toter ban: “Our cousins depend on unlimited access to Bolingbrook’s garbage. Many will starve if the buffet is closed! We cannot allow this to stand.”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs released a statement stating the Village is prepared to deal with any disruptions. It said: “We have ample supplies of de-skunk solution. We have access to spray-proof suits and respirators. We hope they will not be needed. It is in the wereskunk’s best interests to continue to support the First Party for Bolingbrook.”

Pog said they will not be intimidated into silence: “When most of us endorsed Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, we thought we were supporting the female version of Roger. Instead, we got a clone of (Will County Board Member Jackie Traynere)!”

Alexander-Basta denied being a clone of Traynere: “Look, the residents want the option to rent garbage toters, and we’re giving it to them. Otherwise, I would have to spend the next seven years listening to toter supporters’ complaints. Would you want that?”

Claar then broke into the Zoom session and said: “I let you win one election and you brought drugs and toters to my village.”

“Your screen is frozen, Roger.”

“I’m not falling for that again. You’re bringing those ugly things into my village. Chicago has toters. Do you want to turn Bolingbrook into Chicago?”

“Of course not. I just don’t think it’s the role of the government to ban toters. Home Owners Associations can do a better job of banning them. You don’t want big government in Bolingbrook, do you?”

“I hope you’re right.” 

Claar left the session.

“That should give me about a week of peace and quiet.”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow officials question UFO crews that flew over the Buccaneers’ playoff game
All of Clow UFO Base’s union members are vaccinated
Mayor Alexander-Basta considers using expensive wallpaper in her private bathroom
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/27/22

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  

My new novel, The Rift: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story, is coming out soon. Pathways to Bolingbrook: A Bolingbrook Babbler Story is free and available now. For book updates, sign up for my newsletter.

Weredogs attack Wereskunks’ Bolingbrook popup COVID test site (Fiction)

Several packs of weredogs clashed with wereskunks running a COVID pop-up testing site inside Bolingbrook Commons.  Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs (DPA) arrested 25 weredogs and two wereskunks.

“Let us be clear,” said Belinda Z. Guerra, spokesperson for the DPA. “These were very bad dogs. They attacked entrepreneurial wereskunks trying to make a profit. These dogs will be punished!”

Bolingbrook officials confirmed that the test site, which had only been opened for a couple days, was a total loss due to the wereskunks “defensive spraying.” Guerra refused to comment on the reports but confirmed that the village was working to “deskunk” the storefront. He stated, “This is the one time the village is glad Bolingbrook Commons is mostly empty.”

Peter, who did not want his last name published, witnessed the attack while waiting for a test:

“It was horrible. First, this scruffy guy without a mask was shoving a cotton swab too far up my nose.  Then I saw dozens of monster dogs charging at the clinic. The scruffy guy said I still owed him $500 for expedited testing.  Then he turned into a monster skunk and lifted his tail. I sped away before I got sprayed or mauled.”

Beth, who declined to have her last name published, also witnessed the attack:

“When the attendant pulled a testing kit out of a trash can, I was starting to have a bad feeling. However, I was desperate: All the home kits are sold out, and have you seen the waiting lists at the other places?  Anyway, the attendant turned into a giant skunk, and two giant dogs pounced on him. Another giant dog landed next to me. I screamed, but it sniffed me and said I didn’t have COVID. He did it for free and in the middle of a battle. What a nice monster dog!”

The weredogs released a statement claiming they were combating fraud:

“They weren’t testing the samples. They were stealing people’s private information and overcharging for free tests. They’re bad skunks. If the Village Board won’t stop them, we will!”

The wereskunks also released a statement claiming they are the real victims:

“Those dumb dogs attacked us because we were accepting the money and personal information residents were giving us. Bolingbrook has always been generous to our skunk cousins and us. While other suburbs encase their garbage in toters, Bolingbrook residents leave their garbage in easily accessible plastic bags. That’s why we always put Bolingbrook First!”

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied there was a weredog attack in Bolingbrook, or that the wereskunks were running a fake testing clinic:

“You should write about how I’m celebrating Law Enforcement Appreciation Day.  Police risk their lives to keep Bolingbrook safe.”

Covert Social Media Operative Charlene Spencer then entered the office and said: “Hey, Mayor Basta!  Great post today, but you might want to lay off the Thin Blue Line imagery. There are other ways to show your appreciation besides using a flag that’s been co-opted by white supremacists and flown at the Insurrection.”

“Out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Clow UFO Base revokes day passes as Omicron spreads across Bolingbrook
Trustee Watts completes the Illuminati’s ‘Burning Mile’ rite
Former DuPage Township Trustee threatens to audit Palatine’s UFO Base
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/12/22

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

A Babbler Special Report: Bolingbrook’s countdown to democracy (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportOn April 6, voters will select Bolingbrook’s first new mayor since 1986, and possibly end one-party rule in Bolingbrook.  For the past few months, voters have had to contend with a flood of flyers; debates over the meaning of the word “tax,” and passive-aggressive positivity from two local parties.  We sent out a team of reporters to cover the final days of the campaign.  They returned with these stories:

Will County ‘highly prepared’ for any possible insurrection

According to anonymous sources, Will County is “highly prepared” to deal with any “unlikely” insurrection related to the April 6 election.

According to “Joe,” (who asked that we didn’t use his real name), the county government has been holding secret “insurrection drills” for weeks: “We’re prepared for the normal kinds of insurrections, like angry protesters trying to storm the Clerk’s office, or armed downstate militia members trying to execute county officials if their candidate doesn’t win.  We’ve also prepared for some unusual scenarios, like an attack by foreign special forces operatives, a board member going rogue, an act of a vengeful god, and a former mayor throwing a temper tantrum.   We might even run a drill for what to do if we’re attacked by a certain Florida woman. But these are all unlikely.  In Will County, we use paper ballots, and our clerk believes in free and fair elections, no matter who wins.  Remember, we’re Will County, not Cook County.”

Will County Clerk Lauren Staley Ferry refused to comment about any possible drills but said:

“We have a great sheriff’s department, and I know they would never stage a coup.  Anyway, I believe the people who supported Trump’s insurrection have switched their focus to fighting the Coronavirus vaccine.  I guess some people just enjoy being wrong.  Anyway, just tell your readers they can vote early, or vote on election day, but that they can only vote once.”

In the background, a man yelled, “Start.”

A woman replied, “Attention!  I am a CPA.  I feel like overthrowing the government today.”

Alien election observers arrive at Clow UFO Base
By Reporter X

Election observers from the Interstellar Commonwealth arrived at Clow UFO Base to ensure the integrity of Bolingbrook’s April 6 election. 

Representatives from Bolingbrook’s three political parties greeted the observers.

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, representing the First Party for Bolingbrook, said: “I am honored that the Interstellar Commonwealth would send its finest election observers to certify my upcoming victory.”

Trustee Sheldon Watts, representing the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party, replied: “I too am honored that you have come here to see me slay a trustee-mayor abomination— At the polls, of course.”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, representing Bolingbrook United, greeted the delegation and said: “I’m here to help Bolingbrook transition from Roger’s authoritarian rule to a true democracy.  I’d like Jackie Traynere to win, but I’m happy knowing that the residents of Bolingbrook have already won their freedom.”

Globly, the head delegate, told the party representatives that they were wearing bulletproof human suits, and were inoculated with the coronavirus vaccine developed on Venus:

“Many species have replaced democracy with an implant that allows all members to subconsciously reach consensus decisions.  Unfortunately, Earth isn’t that advanced and relies on paper ballots.  Until the humans of Bolingbrook are ready to evolve, we are happy to ensure a free and fair election, without the direct interference of the Illuminati or the New World Order determining the outcome.”

Wereskunk arrested for canvasing under the influence

Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested a wereskunk and charged her with public intoxication.  The wereskunk, according to sources, was canvassing for the DuPage Township’s Republican slate of candidates.

The Department released a statement that read: “We are withholding the name of the wereskunk while she is going through detox.  If you were sprayed by this wereskunk, do not bathe in tomato juice.  Bathe in baking soda instead.  Please do not judge all wereskunks by the actions of this one wereskunk.”

Jessica, (who asked that we not use her last name), claims the wereskunk sprayed her yard signs:  “I thought a normal skunk got into our garbage, but then I looked outside and saw this giant skunk.  When she saw me, she laughed and said she was owning the libs.  Well, I’ll own her and a toter once the DuPage Township Democrats sweep the township election.”

Jake, (who also asked that we not use his last name), said he saw the wereskunk littering Republican flyers in his neighborhood:  

“She was in her human form and had this glassy look in her eyes.  When I told her to stop littering, she shapeshifted into this monster skunk.  Then she started chanting: ‘Meth!  Meth!  It’s the best!’  Believe me, seeing a monster skunk on meth is the best anti-drug argument.”

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta said she was busy and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta, said: “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out what you said about me?  Charline and (name redacted) may have left me, but I still have my sources.  Those sources say you call me a ‘wicked Egyptian’ leader!”

“But—” replied a woman.

“When I found out, I went over to our police chief.  He told me that the Village of Bolingbrook doesn’t have any slaves or indentured workers.  The village has never commissioned a cat statue, and, as mayor, I’ve never changed my mind.  Just like Roger.”

“But—”

“Don’t blame me if you don’t know how to bake bread.  If you have a problem with me, you come to my office and say it to my face.  Don’t vote me out of office because you don’t like me.  That’s so negative!”

“But we weren’t talking about you.  We were celebrating Passover.”

“Well…Not all Egyptians enslaved the Jews!”

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Wereskunks divided over Bolingbrook’s Mayoral race (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Election 2021: A Bolingbrook Babbler Special ReportAs the April 6 Consolidated Election approaches, Bolingbrook’s wereskunks are now fractured between supporters of the First Party for Bolingbrook and the Bolingbrook Independent Voices party.

Liz, the Priestess of Paper, announced the split in a press release. She declared her loyalty to mayoral candidate Sheldon Watts, who is currently a Village Board Trustee:

“We cannot ignore the words of the Easter Skunk! —and Archangel Leroy Brown.  Sheldon is (Former Mayor Roger Claar’s) true successor.  (Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta) is a pawn of the Devil Dogs who now control the First Party.  The heads of the Bolingbrook Family refuse to accept this enlightened truth.  So we have left the family to form our own family.  A family that will remain faithful to the Easter Skunk.  Let it be known that we have broken our bond with Mayor Mary by spraying each other as punishment for our sins, and bathed in Sheldon’s garbage so we may be born again!”

Blug, the Priest of Scraps, accused wereskunk supporters of Watts to be “heretics.”:

“We promised Roger that we would swear allegiance to Mayor Mary as we swore allegiance to him.  The Easter Skunk just told me that we must honor that oath because only Mayor Mary will protect our free access to garbage.  She will sentence supporters of toters to spend the rest of their lives in the Eighth Terrace of Purgatory: The Ad Hoc Committee!”

Paula, who asked that we not use her real name, witnessed two weredeer fighting on the campaign trail:

“When I looked outside, I saw two monster skunks clawing each other, and campaign literature littering my backyard.  A monster squirrel jumped over my fence and tossed both creatures away.  She noticed me and said this fight shouldn’t discourage me from voting in the election.  Oh, I’m going to vote in the next election.  I’m voting for Bolingbrook United!”

A member of BIV, who asked not to be identified, said that the campaign now has “unusual volunteers who like to hang out by the dumpster before canvassing.”  The member would not elaborate further.

A volunteer for the First Party claims she’s worked with “unusual” volunteers as well:

“They always insist on taking the garbage out, but it never ends up in the dumpster.  If someone comes in wearing perfume or cologne, they start gagging and run away.  They also use the word ‘stink’ a lot.  I went canvassing with one of them, and he rewrote the script to make Sheldon sound really evil.  I reminded him to stay positive, and he said he positively hated Sheldon.  I said that just because Sheldon exchanged Roger’s love for Willie Wilson’s love—I don’t know—that doesn’t mean we have to hate him.  That didn’t change his mind. So I reported him to (Trustee Michael Carpanzano), but Michael told me not to think negative thoughts.”

Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

A spokesperson for BIV called to deny the story:

“We are a diverse party that represents the diversity of Bolingbrook, but that diversity does not include fake monsters!”

In the background, a woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford said:  “Sheldon, you have to help!  One minute she’s posting on Facebook as herself, then she went all Bonnie on us.”

A woman made a growling noise and said: “Bring Bonnie to me so she can suck my guns before my hellhounds Hitler, Pinochet, and Franco devour her mortal shell.  Lyn and Deb will be happy.”

“Why are you referring to one of your sock puppets as a real person?” asked a man who sounded like Watts.  “For that matter, why are you referring to yourself in third person?  You do know you who you really are, right?”

“Yes!  My name is Legion, for we are many.”

“Oh no!” said the man who sounded like Watts.  “I must use the holy power of Jesus to cast Legion off the face of the Earth!”

“Hey!” said covert social media operative Charlene Spencer.  “That was an awesome TV movie.  Rick Springfield was robbed of an Emmy.”

“Charlene, I need your help.  You’re the only person who could possibly get me 2000 pigs!”

“Sheldon.  You don’t really think she’s possessed by Legion, do you?  Can’t you see she’s obviously suffering from a case of Sock Puppet Psychosis?”

“I’ve never heard of that,” said the man who sounded like Watts.

Spencer replied: “It sometimes happens if you have too many sock puppet accounts, and you forget which account is really you and which are the fake personalities.  Just keep her offline for a few days and she’ll sort it out.”

Also in the Babbler:

Doctors revive frozen Snow Command Driver
Editorial: Presidents are not dictators
Will County Republicans deny plans to build giant Odal rune
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/3/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Weredogs and Wereskunks clash over the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Weredogs and wereskunks clashed in front of the Promenade Bolingbrook over the sale of commercially bred puppies. Although there were heated arguments, and one spraying incident, the Department of Paranormal Affairs made no arrests.

Part of the department’s press release about the incident stated: “Bolingbrook’s shapeshifters have freedom of speech.  We just wish they wouldn’t use it.”

Twelve weredogs, in their war dog form, picketed behind the Promenade. They at times chanted: “Puppies Matter!”  Six wereskunks counter protested across the street, sometimes chanting: “Dogs are dumb!”

Ralph, a weredog pack leader, claims that a new pet store, Puppy Love, will be selling puppies from “puppy mills:” 

“These breeders are in it for profit, not love.  They impregnate mothers regardless of their health, provide inadequate health care, and don’t care if puppies receive proper socialization.  Bolingbrook residents would be appalled if someone opened a baby store.  They should be appalled that Bolingbrook will soon have two stores that sell puppies from these puppy factories!”

Petland is the other store that sells commercially bred puppies.

According to Ralph, weredogs were working with Bolingbrook officials to draft a “humane pet store ordinance.”  The weredogs decided to protest when they heard about the opening of Puppy Love.

Darla, a weredog and lifelong Bolingbrook resident, believes there are humane alternatives to puppy mills:

“Shelters like Humane Haven are filled with puppies looking for homes.  Don’t listen to the eugenicists, I mean breeders.  Shelter puppies make great companions!”

Sherry, a wereskunk alpha, shouted several unprintable insults at the weredogs.  She believes that pet stores represent “freedom:”

“Every Bolingbrook resident has the right to take out a loan for up to 200% interest to buy a sick puppy!  This is what defending your freedom is all about!  Don’t let them take away your freedom!”

Steve, another wereskunk, thinks pet stores are the key to Bolingbrook’s economic recovery.  “Bolingbrook needs all the tax revenue it can get.  So what if a store sells sick puppies?  The tax revenue that the store generates will prevent the village from choosing between funding the police, or funding the Bolingbrook Golf Club!  Dogs are too dumb to understand that.”

Trustees Michael Carpanzano and Robert Jaskiewicz met with protesters on both sides.  Carpanzano told the weredogs that he created a web page to promote pet adoption.  He also bragged to the wereskunks that he has never proposed an ordinance to ban the sale of puppies in Bolingbrook:

“I’m for all businesses!  Except for Marijuana dispensaries, of course.”

Jaskiewicz encouraged the weredogs to promote online petitions calling for a ban on the sale of mill puppies and other commercially bred pets.

“If Naperville can ban the selling of mill puppies, we can too.  The members of the First Party for Bolingbrook won’t listen to me, but they might listen to potential voters like you.”

Carpanzano held a rubber carp in front of Jaskiewicz’s face, then walked away.

“I hate it when he carps me,” said Jaskiewicz.

Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment.

Her receptionist said: “She’s in the middle of a very important phone call.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta said: “I’m sorry, Mr. President.  There is no way I can legally find 1,025,024 votes for you in Bolingbrook…Please call me Mayor Mary.  Not (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) fake mayor Maria.”

Also in the Babbler:

Atheists accidentally airdrop ‘humanitarian aid’ crate on Bolingbrook house
Governor Pritzker denies plans to send the national guard to DuPage Township
Will County Health Department contains zombie plague in Joliet
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/6/21

Note:  This is a work of fiction. I am against puppy mills. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta gives her first Babbler interview! (Mixed)

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta (Image from the First Party for Bolingbrook site.)

Out of character:  Back in October, I emailed a list of questions to Acting Bolingbrook Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta.  I just received her reply today, and I appreciate that she took the time out of her busy schedule to answer my Babbler style questions.

When Mayor Roger Claar stepped down after 34 years in office, Trustee Mary Alexander-Basta, to the surprise of some residents, stepped up to become the acting mayor of Bolingbrook.  

The Babbler, after many calls, psychic interventions, and possible aid from an alien ambassador, finally managed to get an email interview with her.  Though it turned out to be a short interview, she did announce a major shift in the Village’s diplomatic stance towards the Martian Colonies.

The following are her replies to our questions:

Why did you volunteer to become the acting mayor?

When Roger retired state statutes require that his replacement come from the sitting board. I was voted in unanimously by the Trustees. 

In an interview with The American University in Cairo, you stated that your goals were to “maintain what was built by Mayor Roger C. Claar” and “to keep Bolingbrook a place to grow, a place where individuals or families of any size, age and nationality are able to call it home.”  Since serving as the acting mayor, have your goals changed or have you added new goals?

As Mayor those continue to be my goals. Additionally my goal is to provide more transparency, more discussion to unite residents on issues facing our community, and continued careful planning. I also plan to work with other area Mayors as well as continue to work with the Heritage Corridor and the DuPage Convention & Visitors Bureau to promote Bolingbrook 

What have been your greatest challenges during your term as mayor?

My greatest challenges have been to find creative ways to help our restaurants, hotels and small businesses survive during these unprecedented times.

What have been your greatest successes?

My successes include settling the Fire contract, getting a tree trimming project approved for the first time over 4000 trees in our village will be trimmed. Hiring a Police Chief, Hiring a Fire Chief. With the assistance of the Village’s CIO (Chief Information Officer) we continue to introduce new technology to make it easier for residents and businesses to interact with the village, report issues and monitor the status of the results. Additionally we provide more info on what is happening in the village by way of Social Media, Bolingbrook App, Brook Alerts, BCTV channel 6 & Village Website.

Will you run for mayor in the 2021 election?

Yes I announced my candidacy on Monday, November 9, 2020

Will the crew of Clow UFO Base still host the annual holiday concert, even though the base is locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic?

Just like all other community events, things will have to look a little different this year. Fortunately, the technology required to communicate in space is advanced enough to bring the concert directly to our living rooms through virtual, interactive experience.

How will you maintain peace between the wereskunks and the weredogs?

We have been in communication with the weresquirrels, and they have agreed to maintain an open line of communications with the animal space world should anything arise.

As you are aware, a secret tunnel now connects Hidden Lakes with Lake Whalon. This tunnel allows the Hidden Lakes Monster to swim in Lake Whalon.  Some people say the monster is depleting Lake Whalon’s fish population.  Do you agree the fish are depleted, and should the Hidden Lakes Monster still have access to Lake Whalon?

It’s actually a common misconception that the Hidden Lakes Monster feeds on fish. He is actually a vegetarian. He has been crossing the tunnel as they have formed an alliance against other predators. However, that passage will be monitored more closely now due to social distancing guidelines.

As many residents know, the Martian Colonial Marines have a cloaked outpost on the former site of Old Chicago.  They want to establish a permanent base and disguise it as an Amazon Warehouse.  Former Mayor Roger Claar threatened to sue the Martian Colonies in Interstellar Court if they didn’t withdraw from Bolingbrook.  Will you follow through on that threat?

It’s important to remember that Bolingbrook is a diverse community that welcomes all. As long as they maintain peace and contribute to our community in a positive manner we will have no issues.

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Aliens and Illuminati sponsor an emotional and extravagant retirement party for Mayor Claar (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Mayor Claar delivers his retirement speech while an alien watches.

Mayor Roger Claar (Left) delivers his retirement speech while alien ambassador Zokla (Right) looks on.

Friends, allies, and aliens paid tribute to Mayor Roger Claar at his retirement party Saturday night.  It was live-streamed from the Bolingbrook Golf Club.

Claar, who was appointed mayor and administrator of Clow UFO Base in 1986, enjoyed a retirement party hosted by the Illuminati and the Interstellar Commonwealth.  Most of the guests watched online, while 49 “special human guests” attended with Claar.  All the special guests wore biohazard suits.

“I knew someone would throw a retirement party for me,” Claar said to the guests.  “I never dreamed it would happen during a pandemic.  Now the Illuminati didn’t create the coronavirus, but boy did they do a good job of exploiting it!”

The highlight of the retirement party was the world premiere of “Roger!” a musical about Claar’s rise from school administrator to the longest-serving mayor in Bolingbrook’s history, as well as the first Bolingbrook mayor to win re-election. Former Styx lead singer Dennis DeYoung played Claar, accompanied by a cast of aliens.  Claar seemed to enjoy the songs, including “Breathe Fresh Air (Go Vote for Claar), “If I Had a Campaign Fund,” “Why Can’t I Convict You DA (James Glasgow’s Theme),” “Toll Riding,” “George Ryan is everywhere (Including Jail),” “A Few for the Road,” “Bonnie Can’t Beat Me,” and “The Foes Are Uniting Against Me! (Jackie’s Theme)”

“That was the best musical I’ve seen since Hamilton,” Claar said after the show.  “Dennis, you’ve come a long way since Kilroy was Here!”

“Thank you,” replied Young.  “I just needed the right inspiration.  I thought Robots and Rock would inspire me, but it was you all along.”

Steve, the grand king of the Wereskunks, gave Claar a ball of newspaper. He said it was the highest honor the wereskunks could bestow on a human:

“When garbage toters spread throughout Chicagoland, you said no.  Thanks to you, our cousins still have easy access to garbage.  We were going to worship you, but you said that was too much.  So please accept our highest honor, and the promise that we will support any candidate who will hold the line against garbage toters!”

“Thank you,” said Claar as he wiped his eyes.  “I think I got some Rum and Coke in my eyes.”

Trustee Michael Carpanzano gave Claar a picture of himself in a gold frame:

“Roger, you’ve had many trustees, and I wanted to give you something that would remind of you them.”

“It’s just a picture of you.”

“So?”

Trustee Sheldon Watts gifted Claar with a photo of a galaxy and a Bible:

“You are a faithful person and believe in science.  I hope you will think of me when you enjoy these gifts.”

“I’ll think about Michael and you when endorsement season starts.”

Zokla, an ambassador from the Interstellar Commonwealth, talked about Claar’s years as administrator of Clow UFO Base:

“When Roger talked about growing the population of Bolingbrook, and expanding the size of Clow UFO Base, we thought we might need to perform an intervention.  Over thirty Earth orbits later, Bolingbrook has grown from about 40,000 people to around 74,545 people.  I was going to say it is still growing, but who knows?”  Anyway, Clow is the largest urban UFO Base in the world, and still has the fewest number of security breaches per capita.  So, Roger, now that you are retiring, what are you going to do with your oversized interstellar campaign fund?”

“None of your damn business,” Claar replied.

Later, Claar thanked those who attended the party.  He then presented a holographic slide show about his achievements as mayor:

“We’ve grown from a small underdeveloped village to a large village.  We have the best luxury golf club, and we are the only Chicago suburb to develop its own mansion district!  Former Mayor Bob Bailey built a road to nowhere.  I built factories and office parks on it.  People love me so much, that I have one of the largest campaign funds in Illinois!  There used to be many political parties in Bolingbrook.  I got that number down to one. People trusted me to get rid of those who didn’t put Bolingbrook first!”

Claar apologized to Deputy Mayor Michael Lawler:  “I’m going to break my rule and use the ’s’ word.  I’m sorry I’m leaving you with a pandemic, retail stores in decline, protesters, and a rising opposition party.  I want to spend more time with my family, because who knows if we’re going to survive the year 2020?  But don’t worry.  I’m putting two of my best people in charge of Village Hall, and I’m returning the mayor’s job to a part-time position.  This will discourage that opposition party, and secure my legacy for at least a year.”

“Roger,” Lawler replied, “When I met you, Bolingbrook was a washed-out community.  It’s a washed-out community again, and I think I remember how we fixed it last time…Oh no.  I did it again.”

“Yes, you did, but if you screw this up, I’ll find out, no matter where in the world I may be. Then I’ll use my campaign fund and political action committee to fix things.  By the way, everyone here is welcome to make a donation to either fund.”

Claar then finished his speech thanking the residents of Bolingbrook for electing him, and the Illuminati for supporting him.

“I guess the word really is pronounced ‘Fnord’ and the ’n’ isn’t silent.  Oh well, I don’t have to worry about that anymore.”

QAnon, representing the Illuminati, performed the Rite of Fire and said Claar had just been appointed to the Illuminati’s Order of the Stairway.

“What will I have to do?”

“For now, just collect your Illuminati pension.  We’ll find you when the time comes.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“Let me tell you something:  Keep an eye on the junior guy.”

“I suppose that means something.”

“Trust me.”

QAnon then commanded Young to play one more song.  Young and his band started to perform “Come Sail Away.”

In the middle of the song, Claar walked up to his daughter and said he had a surprise for her waiting on the Moon.

“But we can’t leave yet,” his daughter replied.  “Are we going to tell the guests to attend your last Village Board meeting on Tuesday, July 28 at 7:00 PM?  Or to watch the trustees attempt to stage dive in your honor?”

“Whatever (name redacted).  We’re out of here.”

Also in the Babbler:

Claar orders all weredeer out of Bolingbrook
Roger Claar Party members arrested for painting ‘Claar Matters’ on Lindsey LN
Weredog protesters demand Trustee Jaskiewicz be appointed Mayor of Bolingbrook
Babbler to publish special Roger Claar edition on Wednesday
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/30/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Rowdy wereskunks trash Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Several wereskunks celebrating ‘payday’ caused hundreds of dollars in damage to dumpsters and some Bolingbrook residents’ yards.

According to eyewitnesses, the wereskunks, some of whom appeared to be drunk, said they were celebrating their first ‘payday’ from the Village of Bolingbrook.  These wereskunks claimed that they process Bolingbrook’s new garbage collection fees, and are paid $2 for each bill.

One wereskunk allegedly said, “It’s the easiest work I’ve ever done.  I open an envelope.  I pull out the check.  I record the check.  I give the check to (Village Clerk Carol Penning).  I get paid, and Bolingbrook will ban garbage toters.  That means our cousins get a free meal every garbage day.  I love this village!”

Dawn, who asked that we not use her last name, claims she saw ten wereskunks tearing up the dumpsters in her apartment complex:

“They were gobbling up garbage scraps and praising (Mayor Roger Claar).  Eventually some guy in a strange uniform approached them, and said Roger wanted them to leave.  He also said they wouldn’t be arrested as long as they went back to the woods.  Our  dumpsters are now scrap metal, and the grounds are full of litter.  If I wasn’t a loyal Republican, I’d consider voting for Bolingbrook United in the next election.  Who knows?  I might do it if it would trigger liberals.”

Julie, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that a mysterious stranger saved her home from a gang of wereskunks:

“These creatures must have been 10 or 11 feet tall.  They said I didn’t pay my garbage fee.  I told them I never received the bill for Roger’s garbage tax.  They said I shouldn’t call it a tax and threatened to spray my home.  Can you believe that?  Fortunately, a drone dropped perfume bombs near the creatures.  They complained about the smell, then ran away.  The drone flew up to my door, and I asked who it was.  “He said he couldn’t tell me, but he did say that in a year and I half I would have a choice between two mayors.  He told me to choose the kind mayor.  Since Roger didn’t try to help me, I think I will.”

Dave, a manager at the new Andy’s Custard off Boughton RD, claims Claar tried to calm down the weredeer:

“I got a call from Roger.  He asked when we were going to open.  I said late next week was the soft test opening…Which is pretty good considering how long construction’s been delayed. Roger said he had a ‘situation’ and needed us to be open now.  So I did a village state of emergency opening of the store.  We had quite a few scruffy customers, but they loved our frozen custard.  I guess we were worth the wait. Though for some reason they went to our dumpster first, instead of the register. ”

A receptionist for Claar denied the existence of weredeer, or that Claar had anything to do with the opening of the second Andy’s Custard.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “In a few days, ANTIFA will be declared a terrorist organization.  What do you think about that, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz replied, “Anti-fascism is an idea, not an organization.  If Trump goes through with this, does that mean any memorial to World War II soldiers is a monument to terrorism?”

“You just have to ruin everything, Bob.”

Also in the Babbler:

Opinion: Enough with the mass shootings!
Iran spies spotted canvasing for the Green Party
UFO crashes into Bolingbrook resident’s deck
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group. 

Sources: Village of Bolingbrook to invest in earth orbiting ads (Fiction)

In 2021, could Bolingbrook residents look up at the night sky and see an ad for a village event?  Some anonymous sources say the village will invest in orbiting “community service” promotions. 

According to the sources, the village will buy advertisements from SmartRocket. They will look like star constellations, but will actually be a synchronized group of CubeSats.  The initial ads will only have text.  There is, however, talk of adding images and video to future ads.

One of the sources explained:  “Nobody reads the fake press, I mean the local press.  It harms local community groups.  So it’s the village’s responsibility to promote groups whose members create harmony instead of chaos every election year.”

The sources did not specify how much the village would budget for orbiting ads, but SmartRocket confirmed that they sell eight hours of ads for $20,000.

Another source defended the ad buy:  “Bolingbrook is an exceptional village, and our promotion needs to be exceptional.  We might incur some more debt, but it will be good debt!  That’s why the residents elected Trustee Michael Carpanzano.  He has the marketing background necessary to bring Bolingbrook to the night sky.”

Judith, who asked that we not use her last name, is looking forward to the ads: “Stars are so boring to look at, and it’s not like you can see many of them here.  It’s will be nice to look up and see something useful.  (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) is a genius!”

Patricia, who asked that we not use her last name, wants to stop the: “It’s bad enough seeing a satellite fly by when looking up at the stars. Now I fear that I will look up at the sky and see a video of Roger!  This is one of the reasons God will eventually get around to smiting Bolingbrook.  We need less light pollution, not more light pollution tor ads!”

Claar denied any plans to buy orbiting ads:  “No!  No!  Not true!  I am not buying flying ads. And offering free recycling lids does not mean I am appeasing the talking skunks or the wereskunks, or whatever your made-up skunks are called!”

In the background, several people screamed.  A woman who sounded like DuPage Township Trustee Alyssia Benford then said, “They can’t be stopped.  You’ve got to admire their purity of purpose.”

“Who can’t be stopped?”

“You have my sympathies.”

“Where are you going?”

A few seconds later, more people screamed and started running.  A woman who sounded like Village Clerk Carol Penning cried, “We were wrong.  We were so wrong.”

“You know we never say the ‘W’ word in Village Hall.”

“But they’re out of our control.  They didn’t stop with the DuPage Township.  They kept going.  They—”

Penning screamed.

“Who are you running from?” asked Claar.  “It can’t—Oh my God!”

A man with a downstate accent then said, “Your clerk is double dipping the taxpayers of Bolingbrook by collecting two salaries.  She must resign.”

“She will not resign,” Claar replied.  “You will go (expletive deleted) yourself!”

Also in the Babbler:

Russian snow attack angers residents
Aliens hope to attend Bolingbrook Pride Picnic
Mayor Claar to take over Clow UFO Base on 5/1/19
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/16/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Mayor Claar hires wereskunk security detail (Fiction)

Sources —who have friends with relatives that have a connection to village hall— say Mayor Roger Claar recently hired wereskunk bodyguards.

“Sure it might be overkill,” said one source.  “But really, you can never be too careful today.  Some liberal might walk up to Roger and demand healthcare or demand that Bolingbrook reduce CO2 emissions.  The police wouldn’t do anything to protect the mayor from a radical opinion, but a wereskunk in war-skunk form will.”

Mark X. Baggot, an Uber driver in San Fransisco, claims he gave a ride to Claar and two wereskunks:

“Your mayor said they were his friends, but they didn’t look like the people you would normally expect a mayor to hang out with.  One was snacking on dried flies.  The other one said I should keep my eye on the road or he would make my car stink.  At one point your mayor said, ‘You can’t trust certain people in uniform, but I can trust these guys.’  I asked what he was doing.  He said he was campaigning.  His guards laughed until he told them to shut up.”

A manager at Bolingbrook’s Mora Asian Kitchen claims one of Claar’s guards ripped off the lid of their dumpster and started eating the garbage.  According to her, Roger intervened:

“He said if we had served rice with his guard’s dish, he wouldn’t be so hungry.  I said we prefer quality over quantity.  This is the worst part.  He said that was fine for him, but not for his friend.  Then he told me to waive his cover fee for our late night dancing, and give him unlimited ramen.  If we didn’t Roger said he would ‘fairly’ judge our liquor license.  I don’t want to go into too much detail after that.  I can say that at least one wereskunk has some mean dance moves.”

An alleged wereskunk, who asked not to be named, confirmed that they are providing security for Claar.  She says they will receive a portion of the soon to be announced fee for garbage toters and lids for recycling containers.  She says part of the money will be used to buy food to leave out for the local skunks:

“Roger is a genius.  Those who hate paying fees will keep supplying our cousins with free meals.  Those who buy lids and toters will be paying us to help our cousins.  Roger has our backs, and it’s only fair that we should have his back.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was a line of people waiting to see him.

In the background, a woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, a covert social media operative, said, “Here’s the script.  You just go to the Bolingbrook Politics page and type these in.  Then you are exempt from the township income tax for the rest of your life.”

A man replied:  “Freedom.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, you know that DuPage Township doesn’t have an income tax.”

The man replied, “Fake news.  Fake trustee.  Keep Bolingbrook great.  You’re triggered.  I win.”

A few moments later, Jaskiewicz said, “Charlene, we need to talk.  For years, Roger’s supporters have told us we should support our police department without question.  Now that the police union has endorsed Bolingbrook United, you’re directing his followers to question the residency of each officer. All the officers work here and live within 13 miles of Bolingbrook.  Why is it okay for Roger and his party to accept donations from out of state, but it’s not okay for Bolingbrook United to accept help from M.A.P.?”

“Because I’m playing the election game, Bob.”

“And?”

“And the card says ‘Moops.’”

Also in the Babbler:
Bolingbrook blocks human cannibalism restaurant
Weredeer arrested for polygamy
Developer proposes mile-high ‘Roger Claar Tower’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/7/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction.