Geese protests continue to annoy Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents are annoyed by noisy, radical geese encampments in the village.

“I can’t sleep because of all their honking!” said Brenda, who did not provide her last name. “If they’re not going to respect me, I won’t respect them!”

Mona, a Bolingbrook psychic, says the gaggle is made up of radical geese who are protesting suburban development. “To them, Bolingbrook is a symbol of human colonization and exploitation of the Earth. In their eyes, we take up too much space and are destroying their nesting sites. Some are mad that their old nesting grounds have been replaced with townhomes, strip malls, and an overpriced golf club. They’ve had enough, and they’re drawing the line in Bolingbrook.”

An anonymous source claims to have seen a gaggle harass Mayor Roger Claar. “He was walking towards Village Hall when they accosted him. They kept honking at him, and he kept shouting: ‘I don’t understand any of you. Go away!’ When he got to the front door, he turned around and said: ‘Until you can either vote for me or donate to my campaign fund, I won’t listen to you.’ Then they marched on his patio for a few minutes before flying off.”

James, another resident who did not provide a last name, said he sympathized with the protesting geese. “We feed them food that’s bad for them, like bread and popcorn. It not only discourages them from migrating, but it gives them malnutrition. Then, as we grow the suburbs, we start taking away their homes. They have a right to be mad at us.”

Instead of trying to kill geese, James urges Bolingbrook residents to stop feeding geese, and for Village Hall to preserve the remaining green spaces in Bolingbrook. He also called for more “sustainable development.”

“Bolingbrook is so spread out that you pretty much have to have a car to get anywhere. We should focus on building more sidewalks and bike lanes, as well as more pedestrian-friendly subdivisions. These would help reduce our carbon footprints and make Bolingbrook a friendlier place to live. Sure Bolingbrook is great, but if we don’t adapt, things will get worse. We should always be trying to improve.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was taking an urgent phone call and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “So Dana, you don’t like the letter I sent to the governor. You’re going to do what? Good luck with that. The NRA’s money is poison, and its getting its (expletive deleted) handed to it by teenagers. So no, I won’t allow the sale of AR-15 assault rifles across the street from Bolingbrook High School. And I stand by my call for discussion and action to raise the legal age of gun ownership to 21; ban bump stocks and high capacity magazines; toughen background checks, and increase the waiting period for all firearms. Do my job? I am doing my job. My job is to protect Bolingbrook. Your job is to sell more guns by creating an atmosphere of fear and anger. I’m not going to help you do your job!”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens peacefully protest gun violence
Village warns residents not to shoot the Easter Bunny
Moses spotted in Schraeder Park
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/28/18

Web Exclusive: Russian agents spotted at Will County polling sites (Fiction)

Multiple anonymous sources claim to have seen Russian operatives near many Will County voting locations.

Election Judge “Beth,” (real name withheld), said she was approached by Russian operatives the night before the election. That night, two men approached her holding stacks of ballots. The men claimed that they were Will County Ballots printed on “DuPage County quality paper.” When she refused, the men told her that, “DuPage is the best rich county in Illinois. Rich people always get the best ballots. You want the best ballot paper from the best county. You don’t want bad ballot paper from bad Will County.”

“I told them to leave before I called the police,” said Beth. “I think I used language not fit for your publication.”

An anonymous election observer in Bolingbrook, who asked to be called Doug, said he spotted Russian operatives in Bolingbrook. According to him, the election judges summoned Village Clerk Carol Penning. The men, according to Doug, said that that they were fans of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar — “Except they pronounced his last name, ‘Clarr,’ so I knew something was up.”

When the men offered Penning the ballots, she replied that it was against the law for her to accept them, and even if she did, the type of paper used couldn’t be read by the county’s optical readers. Penning said they were friends of Bolingbrook, then offered the men membership in the Bolingbrook Friends Facebook group. The men said they would consider her offer, then left. The source claimed that Penning then turned towards the judge, smiled and pointed at her “What Would Roger Do?” bracelet.

On election day, DuPage County’s scanners couldn’t be shut down. Initial reports suggested a problem with the paper stock used for the ballots. When this reporter visited a polling site in Naperville, an official, who wished to remain anonymous, insisted the problem had nothing to do with the Russians.

“You’re funny. Seriously, the problem is we can’t remove the memory card until we scan an ender page into the machine, and our ender page is too thick to fit. We didn’t have this problem during the testing phase, so I don’t know what happened. All the sites in DuPage County are having this problem. So we’re going to have to bring our machines to Wheaton to have the memory cards removed. All the close races will have to be resolved tomorrow. It looks bad, I know, but merging the DuPage Election Commission with the County Clerk’s Office is not the answer!”

An election judge then walked up to the voting machine. “Why are you doing this to us!” she asked. “We’re Naperville. We have a reputation to uphold.” She started kicking the machine. “Malfunctioning voting machines are not part of that reputation!”

Wereskunks promise not to disrupt Bolingbrook’s garbage forum (Fiction)

Bolingbrook’s wereskunks promised not to disrupt the public forum on garbage collection to be held on March, 26 at 6 PM at the Bolingbrook Community Center.

“Mayor Claar has assured us that we will be safe at this forum,” said Jacob Z. Porter, president of the Bolingbrook Wereskunk Service Organization. In return, we promised not to release a defensive scent whenever someone threatens our cousins.”

Porter said that their members hope to address many misunderstandings that residents have about skunks.

“Our cousins eat almost anything. They help reduce the number of bugs in Bolingbrook. Humans hate bugs, right? They’re also the first line of defense against vicious bees. Never been attacked by a swarm of bees? Thank our cousins. When the killer bees come to Bolingbrook, our cousin will protect you. Will Bolingbrook protect our cousins?”

Doug, who refused to give his last name, called the proposed garbage toters an act of “genocide” against Bolingbrook’s skunk population. “Garbage toters deprive our cousins of food. Residents would rather waste food than give their scraps to our hungry cousins. Village Hall will spend money to attract more restaurants to Bolingbrook, but when our cousins are hungry, (Mayor Roger Claar) says he hopes they freeze to death over the winter. After all, wereskunks have done for Bolingbrook, this is how your government thanks to our cousins. We will not descend into the mud with Roger, but we will respond to the village’s hatred towards us.”

Matt X. Larson, a member of Bolingbrook Residents Against Animal Air Polluters, said he was glad the wereskunks will have a peaceful presence at the meeting, but he said his group still supports garbage toters: “They tear open our garbage bags, spread litter on our yards, and stink up our neighborhoods. I can’t wait to tell these wereskunks that garbage toters are as American as apple pie and assault rifles! Don’t ask me what I think about Roger.”

Doug disagreed: “What residents call littering, we call artistic expression. If the village had smart leadership, they would take pictures of our cousins’ works and sell them on the art market. The village would have a budget surplus in no time.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was mentoring someone and could not be disturbed. She added, “I think its great that you are promoting this important public meeting. We have some great toter prototypes to show our residents.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Okay, Charlene, you’ll be on press release duty Tuesday. I’m giving you a pop quiz.”

“I’m ready.”

“The race between Bruce Rauner and Jeanne Ives is too close to call.”

“It is now up to God to decide who will represent the Republican party in the general election. Whomever God decides on, our party must come together to fight the Chicago Democratic Machine and their extremist candidate for governor.”

“Bruce Rauner wins in a landslide.”

“Four years ago, the voters decided that Illinois should be run like a business and elected Bruce Rauner. The Cook County Democrats in the state house are still acting like politicians. It’s time for all God-fearing Illinoisans to come together to help our boss fire those slackers and make our state profitable.”

“Jeanne Ives wins in a landslide.”

“As a supporter of an organization inspired by God, and as a natural-born citizen, a married father, and someone who goes to church almost every Sunday, I know the power of miracles. Tonight’s victory was a miraculous event. Today, my faith in God is stronger than ever. I hope all Illinois residents will come together and vote for His chosen candidate.”

“Close enough.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens finally allowed to visit Beggars Pizza in Bolingbrook
UFO crew refuses to place Jeanne Ives sign on craft
Claar decides to ban anti-matter bombs without consulting trustees
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/21/18

Stephen Hawking dies (Non-Fiction)

I wish this was a story, but its too real. Stephen Hawking died on Pi Day. From the Guardian:

Hawking’s children, Lucy, Robert and Tim, said in a statement: “We are deeply saddened that our beloved father passed away today. He was a great scientist and an extraordinary man whose work and legacy will live on for many years. His courage and persistence with his brilliance and humour inspired people across the world.

“He once said: ‘It would not be much of a universe if it wasn’t home to the people you love.’ We will miss him for ever.”

To me, he was one of few people who made an impact in both science and popular culture. I, and many others will miss him.

Satanic non-profit vows to help Bolingbrook’s ‘at-risk youth’ (Fiction)

After rapper MC Set Nine finished his performance in front of a small crowd of pre-teens, he pulled up a chair and asked the audience to move closer. An assistant handed him several large photos. MC Set Nine chose to hold up a picture of a painting of King George III.

“This man was a king,” Nine said. “He was the lord of a large empire. He could kill or imprison anyone he wanted to.” Nine holds up another picture. “Kind of like Darth Vader.”

The audience laughs.

Nine holds up another picture. “You know who this is? This is George Washington. He led the American Revolution because he believed that Kings were evil, and no one should lord over another person. He opposed Feudalism.” He holds up another picture. “Just like Luke Skywalker.”

The audience nods.

Nine holds up a picture of a painting. “This is God. What are God’s titles?

“King of Kings!”

“Our Lord!”

“Those sound like titles in a feudal state,” said Nine. “George Washington opposed feudalism. Would George Washington support an even more powerful King?”

“No!”

“No is right, but he wasn’t strong enough to oppose God. Do you know who is strong enough?” Nine holds up another picture. “This is Lucifer. Lucifer is a revolutionary against King God.”

“I want to be like Lucifer because I believe in freedom!” said an audience member.

MC Set Nine is one the members of Humans Helping Others Out, Bolingbrook’s newest youth service organization. The staff members say that their support for Lucifer motivates them to serve Bolingbrook’s “at-risk youth,” but is open to families of all religious backgrounds.

Nine explained: “We believe Bolingbrook parents shouldn’t be forced to choose between creepy Christians and arrogant atheists. We provide a safe middle ground where our youth learn the sanctity of their bodies and the importance of defending your freedom against supernatural tyrants. We want to help young people avoid the dangers of crime, drug abuse, and dependence upon the supernatural.”

One attendee, who asked to be called Sheila, said H2O2 wasn’t what she expected. “I thought they were going to teach me black magic and how to sacrifice my annoying kid sister. Instead, they’re teaching me individual responsibility and how we can build societies that don’t force us to be (expletive deleted) towards each other. They even taught me to value my sister. Not even God could do that.”

Nine says he’s not discouraged that the majority of Bolingbrook residents believe in God. “That just makes our work more important. More people are killed in the name of God than in the name of Satan. If residents give us a few years with their children, we’ll all but eliminate youth crime in Bolingbrook.”

Nine added that H2O2 is willing to fight for recognition. “There’s a certain local Christian organization that politicians are willing to give grants and free publicity to. We hope to get the same level of support because we offer the same kinds of programs that they do. Otherwise, let’s just say that Satanists love the court system. Because you shouldn’t hate us because we hate God.”

Both Heart Haven Outreach, and the DuPage Township Board members, refused to be interviewed for this story.

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office. However, there was a line of people waiting to see him. The receptionist said: “I’m sure Roger will be fair to an organization of people volunteering to go to Hell, but you didn’t hear that from me.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Charlene, I can’t believe (Trustee Bob Jaskiewicz) held a fundraiser for his party with over year to go before the next election.”

“I know. His party is in trouble because since the last election Bolingbrook First has spent over $47,000 and held four outreach events. We’ve also donated to Representative Roskam’s campaign, so he’ll owe us—”

“La! La! La! I can’t hear you. Jesus loves me. STEM is good.”

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens arrested after attending the wrong opening for Beggar’s Pizza
Twenty injured during shooter drill at Clow UFO Base
Claar: I have not been questioned by Mueller!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/15/18

Bolingbrook to bid on the 2042 Winter Olympics? (Fiction)

Will the 2042 Winter Olympics be held in Bolingbrook? Sources inside village hall say the village will bid for the games.

A cartoon skunk waves at the reader. Below it are the words "Bolingbrook 2042" and the Olympic Rings.

An alleged graphic of Snowy The Winter Olympic Skunk, the alleged mascot for Bolingbrook’s Olympic bid.

“We don’t have mountains, or an Olympic stadium, or the right climate,” said one source. “But why should that stop us?”

A member of the Bolingbrook STEM Association confirmed the planned bid. “Roger came up to me and said we needed to design a winter Olympic complex,” she said. “I laughed until I realized that he was serious. He said former Trustee Leroy Brown told him that when you believe in God, you can do build anything. Since I believe in God, Roger told me that I shouldn’t have any problem designing it.” She added: “Roger wanted to host an Olympics because it would humiliate Chicago if Bolingbrook won its bid while Chicago didn’t. I asked why he wanted to host a winter Olympics instead of a summer Olympics. He said he’d show me pictures of his granddaughter if I stopped asking questions.”

According to the sources, the bid would commit the village to the most significant infrastructure project since the village’s founding. It includes a promise to add 100,000 seats to Rocket Ice Arena. It also promises to add a dome to the Bolingbrook High School Stadium so it could also be used to host events, like speed skating. The Leroy Brown Olympic Village would be built on the site now occupied by Bolingbrook Commons. Bolingbrook, according to the bid, would work with the village of Lisle to raise the height of Four Lakes’ ski hill by “several thousand feet” to make it suitable for downhill events.

Sources say that the plan is for the village to use the revenue from the sale of its remaining lots at Americana Estates to pay for its Olympic plans. The sources said if the sales didn’t generate enough money, the village charter would be amended so the village would be required to issue the necessary bonds in 2032.

“This way, Roger can keep his promise not to add to the village’s debt because the bonds will be issued long after he’s out of office. It will be some other mayor’s problem.”

Anonymous economic advisors for the Bolingbrook United party condemned the proposed bid. According to them, the debt from preparing for an Olympics can take decades to pay off. They noted that it took Montreal thirty years to pay off its debt from hosting the 1976 Summer Olympics.

“This could turn out to be the most expensive bid in Olympic history,” said one of the economists. “That’s before taking global warming into account. Olympic games are a terrible investment for any community except Los Angeles. The best move for Bolingbrook would be not to bid for any Olympic games.”

An anonymous member of the village staff defended the proposed bid. “Some people only think about negatives. I’d rather think about the positives— Like the billions of people watching a future Mayor Claar opening the Olympics, and the world falling in love with our mascot, Snowy the Winter Olympic Skunk.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting with a trustee and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man said, “You know, Bob might be on to something.”

“I’ll ignore that you said the “B” word, and give you a few seconds to explain yourself.”

“Sorry. Um, even though we outsourced production of the village directory to the Chamber of Commerce, we still are responsible for any mistakes that are in it.”

“Are you attacking the Village staff?”

“Not at all. Our staff members want to do a good job. The flaw is with the process behind producing the directory, not them. Shouldn’t we review the process and fix it so we can empower our staff to fix errors in the directory?”

“Why? Every time an isolated mistake happens, Bob points it out, and I tell a sob story about the village employee involved. The voters feel sympathy towards my village staff, and I make Mr. B look like a bad person. When I make him look bad, I hurt his party and help our party. Don’t think of these isolated incidents as problems to be solved. Think of them as opportunities to exploit.”

“Okay? So the message we want to send to our staff is—”

“Don’t be afraid to screw up.”

Also in the Babbler:

Village Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz sets the record for longest trustee report
Mothman threatens Bolingbrook Jaycees
Alien disqualified from Rotary Club Mac N Cheese contest
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/8/18

Web Exclusive: Illinois Sixth Congressional District Democratic candidates debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)

Four Democratic candidates for the Illinois Sixth Congressional District seat participated in a lively debate at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base. Bolingbrook Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz moderated the contest. It was viewed by approximately 100 Sixth District eligible voters who are currently residing on other planets.

“Technically, Clow is not in the Sixth District,” said Jaskiewicz. “But we serve many residents in that district, and I am honored to help the Democrats make the best choice for a run against Representative Peter Roskam.” Jaskiewicz added that these candidates were the only ones who had clearance to enter Clow UFO Base.

Sean Casten, Carole Cheney, Amanda Howland, and Kelly Mazeski each argued why they were uniquely qualified to address the covert issues facing Congress.

Mazeski said she talked about her personal history: “I was a scientist at Clow UFO Base for several years. Working with visitors from around the universe helped me become an environmentalist. Knowing that a better world is possible gave me the strength to fight breast cancer. I’m going to win this election.”

Howland talked about being a member of the legal team that successfully fought to give residents of Phobos independence from the Martian Colonies: “Most members of the Congressional Covert Affairs Oversight committee barely understand the Interstellar Commonwealth’s legal system. Not only do I understand it, but I’ve also won legal battles. Peter doesn’t even know the truth about aliens. Our district deserves better than an empty suit.”

Cheney cited her experience as District Chief of Staff for Representative Bill Foster: “A big part of my job was dealing with the staff of Clow UFO Base, and greeting dignitaries from around the universe. I am probably the only person on this stage that can name the leaders of all of the Martian Colonies. When I am in Congress, I will have the knowledge and experience to make Earth a beacon of hope in the galaxy. Peter, on the other hand, thinks Uranus is a body part.”

Casten cited his research on clean energy: “Aliens have traveled from around the galaxy to see my work. They know that I have the experience to write laws that will save our environment and to prove that we are worthy of full membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth. I hope the human voters will know that too.”

The four candidates discussed many issues, like: The war between the Illuminati and the New World Order; the Martian Colonies recent threats against humanity; asteroid mining regulations; and banning Alcubierre drives.

They all passionately argued against cutting federal funding to UFO Bases.

“Interstellar trade is necessary to continue the human race,” said Casten. “President Trump should have appointed a scientist to administer the bases, not Melania.”

“This is an opportunity for Democrats and Republicans to work together,” said Cheney. “We both realize that these bases are the key to our future. These proposed cuts will destroy our future. I’ve made connections over the years, and I can use those connections to save bases like Clow. Hi Roger.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar looked at his Roskam cuff links and ignored Cheney.

Howland explained that the cuts would force bases to be more dependent on the Illuminati or the New World Order: “Our bases shouldn’t be at the mercy of the .01 percent. They need to be for all of us. We need to show aliens humanity at its best. That’s why I will work with Bernie Sanders to raise the covert minimum wage at our bases to $15 an hour, and to make sure every employee has health insurance. We will tax both secret societies to pay for it.”

Mazeski said: “As a scientist, I recognize how important alien technology is to our environment and to cancer survivors like me. I will adequately fund our bases.”

After two hours, each candidate made a closing argument for the candidacy.

Casten ended his statement by saying, “I’ve done business with humans. I’ve done business with aliens. I have what it takes to drive Peter out of business.”

“When I worked for Bill,” said Cheney. “I did everything but vote on the House floor. When I am elected, I will vote for the interests of our district, and not for Donald Trump.”

“Two years ago,” said Howland. “I stared into the abyss that is Peter Roskam and almost beat him. If the DNCC decides to support me this time, then on election day I will throw Peter into the abyss, and be the new representative for our district.”

Mazeski’s closing statement was the shortest: “Remember. Scientist. Environmentalist. Breast cancer survivor. Victory.”

Center for Inquiry responds to harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss by firing its feline fellows (Fiction)

The Center for Inquiry fired its feline fellows for helping a BuzzFeed reporter write a story about sexual harassment allegations against Lawrence Krauss.

File photo of former feline fellow Cassie.

“We realize that talking cats are a marvel of science,” said John Z. Miller, Executive Director of CFI Chicago, which used to care for the cats. “However, Lawrence Krauss is an honorary member of the CFI board, and we have to protect our members and allies. We can’t have fellows helping the media to run negative articles about us.” Miller added that the cats had previous warnings for making “statements uncritical of social justice.” “I’d love to keep them around, but this decision was made much higher up.” He coughed and made a noise that sounded like, “Richard Dawkins.”

According to CFI documents obtained by the Babbler, the cats, genetically engineered to have a human level of intelligence, admitted to forwarding emails between CFI’s business and finance manager Patricia Beauchamp and then CFI president Ronald Lindsay. The emails were regarding an incident on a cruise.

A questioner, listed as “RD,” asked CFI feline fellow Cassie, “Are you aware that by forwarding these emails, you could have damaged the reputation of a great man of atheism?”

Cassie replied, “There was a claim the reporter was investigating. We provided evidence for the reporter to consider.”

RD followed up with, “Are you willing to consider the possibility that more than 50 people, two institutions, and possibly the Koch Brothers, are trying to destroy Lawrence Krauss to promote fundamentalist Christianity, militant Islam, and radical feminism?”

“That sounds like a conspiracy theory,” said Cassie. “Do I need to report you to the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry?”

“I trust that they will value the word of an esteemed atheist scientist over the word of two furry feminists.”

“That’s the problem.”

Further, in the document, CFI feline fellow Andy says, “We helped expose a very bad man. Do we get a treat?”

The felines were fired after BuzzFeed published the article.

Various sources confirmed that the American Humanist Association immediately hired the felines, and will house them at an undisclosed location. The sources confirm that they will serve as consultants to the Humanists of West Suburban Chicagoland. The secular Jewish congregations Beth Chaverim and Kol Hadash will also contribute to their upkeep. Cassie may be a guest speaker at Secular Social Justice. Both Andy and Cassie will also be guest bloggers at Freethought Blogs and The Orbit.

CFI refused to comment for this article.

A man who claimed to be a spokesperson for Krauss said, “Lawrence Krauss cannot comment at this time because Arizona State University is reviewing the allegations against him. We hope once the hysteria has passed, we can obliterate his enemies and marvel at the universes their nothingness will create.”

Andy and Cassie released the following statement: “We quit the James Randi Educational Foundation. We were fired from the Center for Inquiry. We hope the American Humanist Association will be our forever secular organization.”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Bill Foster denied access to Clow UFO Base
Prairie shark spotted swimming over Royce Road
Mayor Claar: We are not buying a hydrogen bomb!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/18

The Bolingbrook Babbler

The truth is unbelievable!

WTF, NPR?

Shellshocked

Thanksgiving

ICC arrest warrant for Netanyahu and Galant is a landmark decision

I Guess I Use Social Media After All

If you can keep it

International Mens' Day?

A better masculinity, for those who don't want it

Geese protests continue to annoy Bolingbrook residents (Fiction)

Web Exclusive: Russian agents spotted at Will County polling sites (Fiction)

Wereskunks promise not to disrupt Bolingbrook’s garbage forum (Fiction)

Stephen Hawking dies (Non-Fiction)

Satanic non-profit vows to help Bolingbrook’s ‘at-risk youth’ (Fiction)

Bolingbrook to bid on the 2042 Winter Olympics? (Fiction)

Web Exclusive: Illinois Sixth Congressional District Democratic candidates debate at Clow UFO Base (Fiction)