From the Webmaster: Video from the future? (Mixed)

By Wendy Onofrey
Webmaster for the Bolingbrook Babbler.

ApexTV recently posted one of their interviews with a time traveler.  This traveler showed what he claimed was footage from the year 2045.  I jumped to the part where he reveals the video.

ApexTV asks their viewers to decide for themselves what they think about this video.  Here are my thoughts:

  • Apparently video camera quality will decline over the next 27 years.
  • Smartphones design won’t change either.
  • He doesn’t have much time because other time travelers are after him, yet he has no problem spending five minutes talking about the future.
  • Why not show his “robot” parts instead?
  • How will we progress from the current trend of Nationalism to letting AIs run the world?

I have a problem believing this one.  What do you guys think?

Acting Clow UFO Base administrator considers accepting transgender refugees (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base could soon allow transgender humans to apply for refugee status.

“If Donald Trump and the Illuminati enact their plan to erase transgendered humans,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference, “Then, under Interstellar Commonwealth policy, my staff is required to consider permitting transgender refugees into Clow.  I just ordered my staff to start their review and to make a recommendation by the end of next month.”

Glomox said she ordered the review after receiving intelligence reports from the Interstellar Commonwealth, and after reading a New York Times article about the Trump Administration’s proposal. The proposal defines a human’s gender identity only by their genitals.  Such a decision would revoke guidelines established by the Obama administration that protected trans individuals against discrimination.

“I would like to say that this decision represents primitive binary human thinking,” said Glomox.  “But many humans know that biological sex is a spectrum, not a binary. One cannot base their gender identity solely on biology.”

Mayor Roger Claar, who is also an Illuminati leader, did not dispute Glomox’s scientific claims.  “Since First Contact in the late 1940s, the Interstellar Commonwealth has never granted refugee status to any human or human grouping.  Never.  Why now?  I don’t understand.  I am very disappointed to see that Trump-phobia has reached the stars.”

Claar also added that he attended the Bolingbrook Pride event, and his interstellar charity, Humanoid Corrective Learning, does not discriminate on the basis of sex or gender identity.  

Then he said: “I’m concerned that this could lead to caravans of transpeople converging on Bolingbrook.  The refugee screening process can take up to two years.   That means thousands of people congregating in Bolingbrook with no interest in buying a home.  They’re going to rent, and that means lower property values for the rest of us.  I told Aplodoxage this, but obviously, my voice doesn’t matter anymore.  I’m only the longest severing mayor in Bolingbrook’s history. Why should it matter?”

Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the New World Order and Bolingbrook Pride, said people of all sexualities are welcome in Bolingbrook.

“If Roger doesn’t want a refugee crisis in Bolingbrook, maybe he should tell the President not to create one in the first place.”  He later added, “Bolingbrook needs to be an example for Illinois and the rest of the world to follow.  Part of that example should include acceptance of our residents and visitors, regardless of sexual orientation or identity.”  He then turned towards Claar, and said: “You can consider that part of Bolingbrook’s United political platform.”

Glomox said all refugees who pass the background checks would be resettled throughout the galaxy.  Unfortunately, most would never be allowed back on Earth.

“I agree with Bob.  It would be better if humans stopped treating their trans members as debate topics and started treating them as full human beings.”

Also in the Babbler:

Peotone UFO base on track for January opening
Editorial: Not every Will County politician or activist is guilty of a crime
Barrington’s estate owning residents worried about increased UFO traffic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/25/18

Tony Thompson could use our help (Non-fiction)

Tony Thompson runs The Progressive Pub over at The Orbit.  He lives about 24 miles from Mexico Beach, FL which is where the eye of Hurricane Michael made landfall.  He posted this update on his Facebook page:

Our home lost power, but no substantial damage (other than tiles from the roof and panels from the side). We also have no running water. Electricity may be up and running around the 20th. Hopefully.

We do have a generator with a supply of canned food and other dry goods.

We are not in dire need of anything at the moment. Money will be an issue when this is more or less done, but thats a later concern.

If you want to help him out, you can send your donations to his PayPal account.  You can also donate to one of these charities to help out in general.  Hopefully, he, along with the other residents of the Florida Panhandle will recover quickly from this disaster.

DuPage Township Trustee Oliver defects to New World Order (Fiction)

During a secret executive session of the DuPage Township Board, Trustee Maripat Oliver announced that she is leaving the Illuminati, and joining the New World Order.

“It was fun being a Knight of Chaos for the Illuminati,” said Oliver.  “It reminded me of my younger days.  Of course, I was also on the wrong path back then.  Now, I think creating global chaos is the wrong path.  So I offer my apologies to the NWO, and I hope they will accept me into their ranks.”

Supervisor William Mayer, a member of the NWO, accepted Oliver’s defection. He then blamed Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the turmoil in the Township:  “Years ago, Roger said I had to join the New World Order if I wanted to hold any leadership positions in Bolingbrook.  I did and things worked out.  When Roger defected to the Illuminati, he ordered me to defect.  I saw no reason to.  I like it when things are in order.  (Bolingbrook Village Clerk Carol Penning) gave me a warning back in January, and I still said no.  We’ve said a lot of things, skipped meetings, gotten sued by a staff member, and are now being torn apart by a secret war.  Let’s move forward, and set aside secret society politics — so that we can get back to the job of caring for elderly Republican voters, and helping people in general.”

Trustee Alyssia Benford, who is running for the Illinois House of Representatives, laughed:  “My fellow knight (Trustee Dennis Raga) and I laugh at your pathetic speech.  Roger is Bolingbrook.  When Roger told me to run for this board, I ran.  When Roger told me to join the Illuminati, I did.  When Roger told me to become a Knight of Chaos, I did.  When he told me to run for the State House, I did.  After the election is suspended, I will be appointed to the State House, and you will burn in the fires of chaos I will ignite.  Bill, you used this township to build your power.  I used this township as a ladder, and I am now burning that ladder so no one can follow me.”

Raga added, “We will be the greatest Knights of Chaos in the history of the Illuminati.  We know the true power of booze, boobs, EDM!  Booze, Boobs, EDM!”

“Enough!”  complained Trustee Ken Burgess.  “Why couldn’t the seniors take me on their trip?, After all I’ve done for them, the least they could do is to rescue me from all of you?  We were once an award-winning slate.  Now, look at us!”

“It’s not too late to be saved,” Benford said to Burgess.  “Swear loyalty to the Illuminati, and I will write an article in the Will County Gazette exonerating you.  If you don’t, either my followers will drop pumpkins on you, or the Edgar County Watchdogs will arrest you.  Ford!”

“It’s pronounced ‘Fnord,’” said Mayer. “Even I know that.”

“Roger told me to pronounce it ‘Ford,’” said Benford.  “Anyway, can we get this meeting over with?  All of you are boring me and wasting my time.  Roger says I’m destined for greatness!”

Also in the Babbler:

Republicans stunned as Democratic congressional candidate Sean Casten vows to lower property taxes
Mayor Claar rules that zombies must pay local property taxes
Ghost whispers ‘wallpaper’ after visitors use Mayor Claar’s bathroom
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/17/18

Reminder: Foundation Beyond Belief is raising funds for Hurricane relief (Non-fiction)

Just a reminder that the humanist charity, Foundation Beyond Belief, is still raising funds for hurricane relief, including for the victims of Hurricane Michael.

Funds will be used for HDR beneficiary grants and/or for the Humanist Disaster Recovery (HDR) program in order to enable volunteer deployments in hurricane-affected areas. As always, FBB’s goal is to maximize donated dollars to be as effective as possible, and potential grantees undergo a thorough vetting process to ensure they are secular, efficient, and fiscally sound.

A little bit more about FBB:

Foundation Beyond Belief is a humanist charity that promotes secular volunteering and responsible charitable giving. Guided by the principles of secular humanism, our mission is to:

  • Unite the humanist community in volunteering and charitable efforts.
  • Advocate for compassionate action throughout the world.

We forward our mission through these programs:

  • Grants: providing an avenue for humanists to regularly give to highly qualified and vetted charities in a number of cause areas.
  • Disaster Recovery: providing humanists an avenue to donate to a qualified and vetted charity in the event of a disaster and sending volunteers out to help rebuild after a disaster strikes.
  • Service Corps: An international volunteering program supporting and strengthening local, well-established nonprofits to improve lives.
  • Volunteer Network: supporting secular groups in doing service activities in their local communities with our Beyond Belief Network.

In short, Foundation Beyond Belief is humanity at work.

I appreciate the work that they do, and it is nice to see that there is more to secular activism than filing lawsuits and putting up billboards.

 

Guest Opinion: DuPage Township Democrats say vote no on the Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum (Mixed)

The following is a guest opinion submitted by the DuPage Township Democrats and does not necessarily reflect the viewpoint of the Babbler’s staff.

"Vote No! "$14 Million Park District tax increase.

The DuPage Township Democrats urge Bolingbrook residents to vote against the Park Board referendum.

On September 19 the DuPage Township Democrats discussed the upcoming Nov. 6th Bolingbrook Park Board Referendum that will increase our property taxes.  DuPage Township Democrats voted unanimously to VOTE NO on the upcoming ballot measure.

Capital Bond Issues should be reserved for new operational needs, not maintenance.

  • Capital Bond issues should be reserved for new operational projects, not maintenance.
  • Below is a list of additional reasons that we do not and cannot support this addition to our property tax:
    Poor fiscal management and prioritizing.   Ex. Paying out over $500,000 in legal fees over 4 years to fight a union covering 48 landscape employees. This “Union Busting” money should have been used for playground maintenance or improvements they want.
  • One of the projects is improving the BRAC entrance. The BRAC entrance does not need renovating. It is functional and clean. 
  • The center island of the lazy river at BRAC does not need new pavilions. This is only an excuse to have new areas to rent out for special events. The taxpayers have to pay to build them, then pay to use them.
  • Even though the taxpayers of Bolingbrook paid to build the BRAC and thru property taxes pay for the operation of BRAC, there is not one venue or activity they can use or participate in without paying fees.
  • Bolingbrook has only one public pool to serve over 76,000 residents and the thousands of non-residents that use the pool. Yet their priority is activities that require more and higher fees.  The priority should be more FREE aquatic services for the village. Votes
  • The Park District has shown, as too many taxing bodies do, the desire to spend more and more taxpayer dollars, but not the need to spend more.

When there is an opportunity for taxpayers to have their taxes drop, our taxing bodies should welcome that opportunity.

Three weredeer and a wereskunk arrested following an incident at Regal Bolingbrook Stadium 12 (Fiction)

Content notice: This post deals with the Justice Brett Kavanaugh.  If you are dealing with issues related to sexual assault, you may wish to visit RAINN.

File photo of a weredeer.

An alleged fight between several wereskunks and weredeer last Friday ended in the evacuation of Regal Bolingbrook Stadium theaters.  The Department of Paranormal Affairs arrested three weredeer, and a wereskunk after the incident and released the other creatures.

Most eyewitnesses agree that someone pulled a fire alarm, and staff members evacuated the theater.  Many attendees say they say they saw nothing unusual during the evacuation. Staff members who spoke anonymously said they were instructed not to look at security monitors, or to use the rear entrances.  

Two witnesses, however, claim to have seen a brawl between a group of weredeer and a group of wereskunks.

“I was about to fall asleep during Peppermint when the doors by the screen flew open,” said Beth, who did not wish to reveal her last name.  “These tall weredeer staggered into our theater.  They were chanting, ‘We love beer!  We love Kavanaugh!’”

According to Beth and her friend Blake, several wereskunks transformed into their half-human, half-skunk form and approached the weredeer.  

“The weredeer accused the wereskunks of ‘hogging’ women,” said Blake.  “At first I was terrified.  Then one of the weredeer said he was the new Buck of Bolingbrook.  I guess that’s an important leader or something like that.  I don’t know.”

Both Beth and Blake agree that the Buck said he was leading the feral weredeer out of the woods and back into Bolingbrook.  The Buck then actually said that feral weredeer had the first choice of all the women in Bolingbrook.  According to the Buck, the appointment of Kavanaugh meant that the agreement between the feral weredeer and the Bolingbrook Jaycees was void.  The agreement states that weredeer who refuse to abide by human dating and relationship norms should move to the wilderness and only mate with deer.  Weredeer can only produce offspring if they have sex with a human or deer.

“I was so disgusted to hear that weredeer say that if human females didn’t want to mate with weredeer, they shouldn’t be in Bolingbrook,” said Beth.  “I am not a sex object!  I am a person.  They made a bad week even worse.”

“The wereskunks stood up for humanity,” said Blake.  “They said all mating should be consensual.  Maybe skunks aren’t so bad after all.  I just wish they’d leave our garbage alone, or pay for our garbage bins.”

Both witnesses say that after several minutes, someone set off a fire alarm.  Then a wereskunk charged into the room, and all the shapeshifters started fighting each other.  During the brawl, Beth and Blake escaped the theater.  Tactical officers from the Department of Paranormal Affairs.  The officers stormed the theater, while Beth and Blake were taken to a safe location.  They agreed not to tell the mainstream media what happened or post on social media about the incident.

“They haven’t talked to us since then,” said Beth.  “Why should I be surprised?  We can’t hurt the reputation of a very important weredeer, right?  Seriously, I love Bolingbrook, but I hate (expletive deleted) weredeer.”

The Department of Paranormal Affairs released the following statement:  “The US Supreme Court has no jurisdiction over paranormal affairs in Bolingbrook.  The Illuminati does.  The village and the Illuminati will continue to enforce the Jaycee Accords.  Any weredeer found violating the accords will either be escorted out of Bolingbrook or put down.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “It looks so real, Charlene.”

“Yes, and we can make it say whatever we want.”

After some keyboard clicks, a male voice said, “I met Mayor Roger Claar.  He’s right, and his foes are stupid liars!”

Charlene continued:  “It’s the same technology they used to create that fake Obama video.”

“Incredible,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

“Igor says they are working on the way to integrate this imaging technology with their prototype bots.  By 2020, these bots should be able to create their own social media videos.  Imagine bots that can post videos seconds after a major political event.  Oh!  One of them just finished scanning all the posts in Bolingbrook Politics. Let’s see what kind of video it produced.”

A keyboard clicked, and the male voice spoke again:  “Village spending annoys me.  Debt scares me.  Taxes enrage me.  I can do a better job than our current elected officials.  Roger Claar is the best corrupt mayor in the history of Bolingbrook!  Let’s argue!”

“Needs work,” said the man who sounded like Claar.

Also in the Babbler:

Russians hijack the DuPage Township website
Claar confirms that the Interstellar Commonwealth does not owe any taxes
Clow UFO Base no longer requires visitors to buy Trump branded human suits
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/18

Mayor Claar defiant as Clow UFO Base reopens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

For the first time since 1986, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will not be in charge of Clow UFO Base.

Bolingbrook, IL Mayor Roger Claar

File photo of Bolingbrook Mayor Roger C. Claar. (Image from the Village of Bolingbrook web page.)

The Interstellar Commonwealth, the governing body of the Milky Way, assumed temporary control of Clow after protesters ended their occupation.  The Commonwealth will administer the base until the new village board is sworn in next year.  Whichever party controls the village board after the March election will also control Clow UFO Base.

“I had no choice,” said Claar at a press conference with the interstellar media.  “I could have presided over a massacre, or I could have temporarily handed over the base to a neutral third party.  I chose peace, and now my foes are trying to tear me down.”

Claar specifically accused Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz, a member of the opposition Bolingbrook United Party, of asking the Interstellar Commonwealth to conduct a “witch hunt” against him.

“Bob wants them to go after me because his party stands for nothing.  Nothing!  Bolingbrook First stands for what I want it to stand for.  I made Clow the largest urban UFO base in the world.  The residents will appreciate that.  The foes never will.”

Claar then cited an example of what he considered a “ridiculous” charge:

“They said that every supplier to Clow UFO Base has donated to my interstellar campaign fund.  I know you said that Bob.  Do you want to know the actual number of vendors we paid last month that also donated to my campaign fund?  Twenty-five percent!  That’s not bad, and I only use it for campaign events across the galaxy.  Do you know how many off-world constituents I have?  You’d be surprised.  More than I have in California.  My foes want me to run away from my fellow residents if happen to see them on Triton.  I won’t do that, Bob.  I’d rather have a Proteus steak dinner with them.”

Jaskiewicz insisted that his request was part of his effort to provide oversight over Bolingbrook’s covert operations. He also added that the initial audits prove that reforms are needed at Clow:

“Sure, 25% is a good number.  Do you know what an even better number is?  Zero.  If it can’t be zero, then there should be limits on donations.  Even Cook County limits vendors’ donations to $750 per cycle.  We can do better than that.”

Claar then yelled at Jaskiewicz for mentioning “that county.”  He pretended to cough, then talked for several minutes:  “My foes punish me.  Twice a month Bob punishes me by attending meetings.  Every week I am punished by the cover of the Bolingbrook Babbler in the checkout lanes.  Every day I am punished whenever I read the Bolingbrook Politics Group.  All I did was create the best UFO Base in the world, and the best place to live in America.”

“Don’t forget hosting a Trump fundraiser at the Golf Club,” added Jaskiewicz.

“You won’t let that go will you, Zieliński?”

“Jaskiewicz.”

“Close enough.”

Acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox promised to consult with representatives of both parties.  She also added that she would not be distracted by local politics:

“Let’s save the fighting for the next solar orbit.  This week, every visitor to Clow gets a free WeatherTech snack.  We’ve also reopened both WeatherTech restaurants.  That’s great.”

Oljoys, a visitor from Alpha Centauri, said he liked that Clow was reopened, but hoped that it would be back under local control soon:  “I do miss the recordings of (Trustee Deresa A. Hoogland) announcing events.  She would say, ‘Come to the Bolingbrook event.  Why should you come to the Bolingbrook event?  The Bolingbrook event will be fun.’  Yes, I can upload the local calendar to my brain, but she gave each announcement a personal touch.”

Also in the Babbler:

Owner denies new arcade will have a portal to the 1980s
Will County judge rejects ‘Trump’ defense for reckless driving
Claar vetos ‘ high-end cannibalism restaurant’ application
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/18

Web Exclusive: Former atheist activist David Silverman to open ‘Transformative Humanist Center’ in Bolingbrook Commons (Fiction)

David Silverman, former president of the American Atheists, will open a “Transformative Humanist Center” in Bolingbrook.  Opening in Bolingbrook Commons early next year, the center promises to be a “moderating force” in the village.

File photo of “Transformative Humanist” David Silverman by BDEngler.

“Bolingbrook is a divided community,” said Sally Z. Carter, the director of the Bolingbrook Center.  “Some residents support the mayor.  Some residents oppose the mayor.  This arguing is pointless.  We need to focus on what is really harming our community: Religion.  Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will bring the village together.  We’re already doing a great job!”

Though the village filed a lawsuit to keep Liberty Temple out of Bolingbrook Commons, Carter does not foresee any problems with Mayor Roger Claar approving the Center:  “We are the top of the horseshoe!  We are opposed to those who want to impose peaceful ethnic cleansing of Bolingbrook’s residents, and to those who want to force residents to live under the rule of Social Justice.  We are militant defenders of the status quo, and, in Bolingbrook, Roger Claar and his Bolingbrook First party, are the status quo.  Once Bolingbrook is united, we can work together to reduce the number of places of worship infesting our village.”

Carter refused to talk about Silverman’s firing from American Atheists, or who hired him to be the director of Transformative Humanism:  “The first 100 people who register for our reasonably priced classes on humanist forgiveness will receive a signed copy of Fighting God.  Belief in God is the real enemy of Bolingbrook.”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was in a meeting and could not be disturbed.  In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said: “Charlene, did you send a fake text to (DuPage Township Trustee Ken Burgess) about a parade volunteer?”

“I can’t recall.  Can you be more specific?”

“The text that has sent DuPage Township spinning further into chaos and endangered my candidate for state representative?”

“Maybe, or maybe the allegation is true.  Either way, it just goes to show why we should abolish Illinois township governments.  My client, Governor Bruce Rauner, would be happy to educate you.”

“No.  Just try not to spread so much chaos in my village.  Can you do that?”

“I can limit the amount of chaos I will unleash upon the village.”

“Thank you.  You are still on my side, right?”

“Yes.”

A receptionist for Silverman said he was on a phone call, and could not be disturbed: “Humanist.com, I mean Transformative Humanism, will reveal our plans when we are ready to.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman, said: “You linked to my web page.  You know how angry your followers are.  That was cruel.  I had to take down most of the pages just to protect myself.  Seriously?  PZ, let me tell you that I have been out of the public spotlight for more than seven weeks.  That should count for something.  How dare you call it that.  It was just a surprise session of S and M.  Don’t you like surprises?  You’re no fun.  No, you need to see the big picture.  I’ve seen the future.  It’s only a matter of time before the militant centrists in government stage their coup against Trump and turn power over to the Intellectual Dark Web.  When that happens, you’ll be sent to a philosophy camp, and I’ll be the toast of Washington D.C.  Of course, I can protect your fellow bloggers and you from this fate.  All you have to do is shut up and give me your money.  Hello?”

Are you registered? (Non-fiction)

Edit:  Now I find out tomorrow is National Voter Registration Day.

I’m not exaggerating when I say this is going to be one of the most critical US elections in my lifetime.  Are we going to have a Congress that will thoroughly investigate the Trump administration or one that will cover for him?  Will we have officials that will support secular government or officials that will push for Christian theocracy?    Do we want officials who will push for better voter access or voter suppression?

It’s not enough to complain about the current state of affairs.  We also have to vote.  So I encourage to all my readers to check to make sure they are registered and to check every month to make sure you’re still registered to vote.  Especially in states that are actively trying to purge their voter rolls.  Also to guard against hackers tampering with your information.  If you haven’t registered, you can get started here. 

I’m recovering from surgery.  So the regular stories should resume on Thursday.