By Reporter X

A spacecraft attempting to land at Palatine’s Sherman Base crashed into Long Grove’s Robert Coffin Bridge. The crew and the bridge were unharmed, but the collision caused extensive damage to the craft.

The pilot, XoiGon, claims the collision wasn’t her fault. “The bridge made me do it! As we flew our the town, I felt compelled to fly through a space that was too narrow. It had nothing to do with the Blue Cheese I was snacking on. I can handle that. I can’t handle a cursed human structure!”

This is the 51st time a vehicle has struck the covered bridge. It is the first time a spacecraft crashed into it. A local official, who asked not to be identified, denied the bridge is cursed. 

“There are lots of signs warning people about the height restriction. Drivers either ignore them and want to test the bridge’s reinforced roof. I think that alien did it on purpose and learned a valuable lesson.”

An anonymous resident disagrees. “The bridge by a demon. That demon demands a sacrifice of vehicles in exchange for its protection. I think it now has a taste for alien spaceships!”

Investigators from the New World Order doubt the bridge is possessed. “We have detected no divine or infernal energy within the bridge. We’re leaning towards magnetism. Maybe the steel used to reinforce the bridge randomly magnetizes itself.”

Beth Z. Carson, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, says the base is fully cooperating with the NWO. “I think this investigation will show the Illuminati were involved. They know Clow UFO Base can’t compete with us!”

Bolingbrook’s Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta denied any involvement in the accident. “Why would we want to give Long Grove more free publicity? They may have their truck devouring bridge, but we have the Golf Club and WeatherTech.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said, “So, is it true D2D is going to buy BookBub?”

A man over the phone replied, “Of course not. We just bought Smashwords and SelfPubBookCovers.com. Do you realize how much it is going to cost to clean up both sites?”

“Kevin. You know you could worry about that after D2D becomes the Amazon of self-publishing.”

“Amazon? D2D is the anthesis of Amazon. We’re just providing the tools to help our wide authors succeed.”

Another man yelled over the phone, “Dear Lord! Please forgive us for distributing a book with the word ‘Daddy.’ And forgive our trespass for distributing a Godless Urban Fantasy!”

“Of course, not every author can be a D2D author.”

Also in the Babbler:

Egypt denies conquering Bolingbrook
Mayor will not rename Clow UFO Base
Rep. Bill Foster campaigns on the moon
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/5/23

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.

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