Village of Bolingbrook rejects atheist interactive hologram holiday display (Fiction)


The Village of Bolingbrook rejected the Church of Christopher Hitchens’ display of interactive holograms of atheist leaders to the International Festival of Lights :

“While we recognize that atheists are part of Bolingbrook’s diversity,” said a source with ties to the Civic and Cultural Affairs Commission,  “Their display was in poor taste.  To paraphrase a former village manager, atheists are already represented by the empty space around the village hall.  Adding their offensive display would mean that atheists would be overrepresented.”

David X. Silverton, leader of Bolingbrook’s Church of Christopher Hitchens, strongly disagreed with the decision: “We tried to be sensitive to their feelings.  We didn’t make a hologram of Hitch.  May his words slap the stupid.  This was an opportunity to give residents a much-needed dose of science and reason.  The commission caved into superstition and Trumpism!”

According to various sources, the display rotated interactive holograms of well-known atheist leaders.  It was similar to the display at the Illinois Holocaust Museum where onlookers are able to ask each of the holograms questions. However, some sources claimed that a few holograms actively heckled bystanders.

Mary, who did not want her real name published, described her experience with the Dan Barker hologram:  “We got off to a bad start when it said, ‘Happy Solstice!’ I said it was Christmas and he should get into the spirit of the season.  He laughed, and played this horrible song!  I won’t pray for his soul!  Especially after I left and he yelled, ‘Happy War on Christmas!’”

Steve Z. Gilmore claims he interacted with a hologram of PZ Myers: “I asked if he was going to swallow a package of communion wafers. He said he made his point years ago, and he’s no longer a member of the New Atheists.  Then he said he was just going to show off his new friend, Heidi.  Heidi turned out to be a spider!  I hate spiders.  I screamed and ran away.  PZ yelled, ‘Heidi, the holiday spider, only bites people who don’t wear masks!’”

Lisa, who asked that we not use her real name, found the Taslima Nasreen hologram offensive:  “She said that the Coronavirus was proof there is no God.  I told her I was Muslim and deeply offended.  She said she was offended that I was offended.  I started to educate her on Islam, but you won’t believe what she said.  She said that since she faced death threats, and is banned from Bangladesh and West Bengal, she wasn’t afraid of me boring her.  God is great, and she isn’t!”

 Acting Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta could not be reached for comment. Her receptionist added:

“If this church is real, we might be tempted to fine them if they’re holding indoor services.”

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer, said: “You summoned me, Acting Mayor Mary?”

“That’s Mayor Mary,” replied a woman who sounded like Alexander-Basta.

“Not until you’re elected,”

“We’ll deal with that later.  I want to talk to you about your proposed advisory questions.”

“You’re welcome.  I’m glad I was able to fulfill my contractual obligation to the First Party by giving you 20 years worth of advisory questions.  That should keep garbage toters off the ballot until at least 2041.”

“But some of these questions are outrageous!  Your ‘Fund the Police’ question not only bans cuts to the Bolingbrook Police Department, it requires the village to increase the department’s funding every year.  That means the police budget would bankrupt the village in five years.”

“Don’t worry about that Acting Mayor—”

“Mayor!”

“Whatever.  You don’t really think the point of these questions is to seek to advise from the voters, do you?  These questions are designed to motivate your supporters to go to the polls.  Think about it: Do you really think Republicans put advisory questions on the ballot about splitting Chicago from Illinois because they want to turn Illinois into Mississippi North?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.  In fact, I think you screwed up when you added the cannabis question to the ballot.  That’s going to motivate more of Bolingbrook United’s supporters to go to the polls.”

“Please.  This is why I’m so glad you’re no longer working for us.  You might be full of yourself now, but you’re in for a rude awakening when The First Party sweeps the election, and shames (Trustee Sheldon Watts) into resigning.”

“No, You’ll be in for a rude awakening, when Bolingbrook Independent Voices sweeps the election.  You’ll end up covered in eagle droppings, and finishing in third place behind Jackie Traynere!”

“Get out before I put you in a time out!”

Also in the Babbler:

Chicagoland UFO Bases take an extended holiday as COVID-19 devours Illinois
Zombie turkey ruins Bolingbrook family’s Thanksgiving
Interstellar diplomat claims COVID-19 originated in Naperville
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/3/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.