Russian special forces soldiers distribute fireworks in Bolingbrook (Fiction)


Sources within the Bolingbrook police department claim that Russian Special Forces are distributing free fireworks to residents.

Cheap fireworks and bored residents are a bad combination,” said Phil, a police officer who asked that we not use his last name.  “Adding Russian Special Forces just makes things worse.”

Marie, who asked that we not use her last name, claims four Russian Special Forces troops knocked on her front door. They were wearing Hawaiian shirts over their urban camouflage uniforms.  They knocked on her door and showed her a crate of fireworks:

“They asked me to do the Electric Boogaloo with them.  I said if they meant starting the Second Civil War, they needed to talk to my husband.  He came downstairs, and I walked away.  I don’t want to be involved.”

Peter, who asked that we not use his last name, said a special forces squad parachuted into his backyard:

“I thought about pulling out my gun, but I figured they’d kill me first.  When they presented me with a crate and said, ‘Help us make Bolingbrook sound like a war zone,” I wanted to give them a hug.  I didn’t of course.  War zones sound like fun.  I know Bolingbrook can do a better job of setting off fireworks than the New York Police can.”

While many residents interviewed appreciated the free fireworks, Marie had her concerns:

“It just seems like the Russians want to use the fireworks for something.  I don’t know, like covering up an invasion.  I mean, they did put out bounties on our troops.  Maybe that was just the beginning?”

A receptionist for Mayor Roger Claar said he was out of the office and had no plans to come back that day:

“Everyone should listen to Snowy the Bolingbrook Fireworks skunk:  ‘Don’t set off your own fireworks.  Watch Bolingbrook’s fireworks display on July 4th.”

A public service infographic from the Village of Bolingbrook about fireworks.

In the background, a woman who sounded like covert social media operative Charlene Spencer said: “Cue the dramatic music and the voiceover says, “Call Governor Pritzker today and thank him for saving you from the Illinois Republican Covidiots!”  Fade to black.  You think JB will like the pitch, Bob?”

A man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said:  “But you work for Roger and the Republicans.”

“I’m trying to diversify my portfolio.”

“But why should Pritzker trust you—”

“Oh come on now.  You liberals love the Lincoln Project, but you guys know they’re going to turn on Joe Biden after Trump is defeated, right?  However, Biden is smart enough to know that he needs their help.  I’m willing to help JB, and hope he’s smart enough to accept it.”

“Until you turn against him.”

“As my grandmother’s favorite band used to sing, ‘Roll with the changes.’”

Also in the Babbler

Clow UFO Base staff prepare for UFO flights diverted from Arizona and Texas
Last Illinois Bigfoot dies from COVID-19
Giamanco Law Partners hires interstellar law attorney
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/1/20

Note:  This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer.  Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.