By Reporter X
Hundreds of aliens fleeing Australia’s record brush fires arrived at Clow UFO Base over the weekend.
According to a statement from Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, “Clow is open to all visitors temporarily displaced by these fires. We ask that you respect the wishes of the Trump Administration and do not seek permanent residency within the United States— unless you can pass as a human from Scandinavia.”
Many UFOs arriving from Australia were damaged by fire or by lightning strikes. Some were radioactive due to the destruction of Croc 7 UFO Base.
“Have you ever tried outrunning a nuclear shockwave while an airlock is closing in front of your craft?” asked Zeogost, who did not identify her home planet. “I have, and believe me, it’s nothing like your movies describe it to be.”
Pasgoos, a biologist from Alpha Centauri, cried as he talked to this reporter: “We tried to save some of the creatures, but the fires moved too fast. I can’t believe that half-billion animals died. Those flames are horrible. I imagine the great burning of Mars was similar to what is happening now.”
Commander Quazoot, from Barnard’s Star, crash-landed her ship at Clow UFO Base. Her crew survived the landing, but it will take weeks to repair her craft. She said:
“I thought it would be safe to fly into a pyrocumulonimbus storm. First, the lightning strikes took out my shields. Then the fire tornados damaged the hull. Half my crew evaporated from the heat. What are you humans doing to your planet?”
While Clow officials say hosting the evacuees is “relatively without problems,” some anonymous sources disagree. Some of them claim that Space Force Marines stationed at Clow tried to build cages to “house alien detainees.” Mayor Roger Claar, according to the sources, argued with the marines and was told only President Donald Trump could order them to stop.
When Claar called Trump, Trump allegedly said, “I need you to do us a favor.”
“My family, but mostly me. That’s not the point. The point is I need you to ask the Andromeda Galaxy to investigate the Biden family. They’ll listen to you.”
“I don’t think—”
“Don’t think. Do. That’s my motto in life.”
The sources say Claar transmitted the message while Trump watched. Trump then ordered the marines to dismantle their cages “for now.” After Trump signed off, Claar said he sent the message to Andromeda by radio instead of FTL communication. The message, he said, should arrive in about two million years.
A receptionist for Claar said he was busy, and there was already a line of people waiting to speak to him.
In the background, a man who sounded like Gordon Kinzler, Republican candidate for Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District said: “I don’t know if I can beat (Jeanne Ives). Her campaign just-released poll numbers—”
A woman who sounded like Charlene Spencer, covert social media operative, laughed: “Those aren’t real polls. Those are push polls. Barber’s Corner Media did one on your behalf. Take a look.”
“Wow. According to your poll, I’m beating Ives by 10 points. How did you do that?”
“We used loaded questions to emphasize your masculinity and imply that liberals would be triggered if a man beat Judy. In an election, of course.”
“If you hire us, we will reach enough Republican households to make a difference. We can also run a poll implying that Ives wants to enact a radical feminist agenda and has ties to academia.”
“We’ll just leave out the trans exclusive part.”
“I don’t know. My campaign is based on me being an honest guy.”
“Let me put it to you this way: Do you want to be fighting liberals in Congress, or do you want to be known as the guy who couldn’t beat Michael Madigan’s favorite Republican?”
Also in the Babbler:
Iran will not deny plans to target the Bolingbrook Golf Club
Sen. Booker to hold victory rally at Palatine’s UFO Base
Claar rejects building permits for Apollo temple
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/9/20
Note: This is a work of fiction. Feel free to leave a comment here or in the Bolingbrook Babbler Readers Group.