Bolingbrook’s wereskunks honored Mayor Roger Claar during their “Great Scampering” ceremony for his “noble fight against garbage toters.”
Wereskunk Alpha Joyce presented Claar with a skunk push doll and a certificate of appreciation.
“While other suburbs try to starve our cousins,” said Joyce, “Roger is helping our cousins by forcing residents to only use trash bags on garbage collection day. That means our cousins can always enjoy one free buffet a week even during the coldest winters.”
Joyce also highlighted Claar’s new initiative to offer free lids for recycling bins. “We want food scraps, but some of our cousins were confused by recycling bins. By adding lids, they will avoid the bins, and go for the bags. Now we do appreciate the artistic talents of some of our cousins, but this compromise makes sense.”
Claar accepted the gifts, saying his granddaughter would love the doll. Then he addressed the audience: “I appreciate the work all of you did during the last election. When the sanitation department had doubts about throwing away my foes’ yard signs, you guys stepped up to the plate. I also appreciate that you didn’t tell me or anyone in my party what you were doing. Remember: Liberals hate skunks. I don’t.”
The wereskunks then performed the “Great Scampering” ceremony. The ceremony told the story of how Democrats and “Republicans in name only” tried to starve skunks by forcing residents to use trash toters. The skunks, according to the performers, were on the verge of extinction when Claar appeared before a skunk prophet and promised plenty of food, water, and shelter for all skunks. Thousands of skunks scampered to Bolingbrook, chased by the “Democrat Party’s” animal control officers. When they reached Bolingbrook, a 900-foot Easter Skunk appeared and frightened away the officers. The Easter Skunk gave each skunk an egg, then asked Claar to appear. According to the story, Claar pointed out the thousands of garbage sacks sitting out on people’s lawns. The skunks then made a covenant with Claar to guard his career.
“How old is this ceremony?” asked Claar.
“This is the first performance,” replied Joyce.
“The first of many, I hope.”
Golf Club staff then rolled in four dumpsters for a buffet. A person dressed as the Easter Skunk gave each skunk two eggshell halves. One half was filled with raw egg yoke. The other half filled with rum. After enjoying a meal, the Easter Skunk entered a DJ Booth and revealed himself to be DuPage Township Dennis Raga.
Raga started playing electronic dance music and addressed the wereskunks: “You guys are awesome, and I know we can count on you to support Roger’s reelection campaign in 2021. 2021 is also the Township election. The New World Order is going to try to retake the Township, but we (Trustee Alyssia Benford and I) are going to run as the ‘Clean Slate’!’ If you support us, we’ll set up a food bank for your cousins.”
All the wereskunks then shifted into their warskunk form and started dancing.
Also in the Babbler:
Hundreds of aliens protest Mayor Claar by singing ‘Whoomp! Jaskiewicz!’
Zombie goat spotted in Buffalo Grove
Plainfield man shoots and misses Easter Bunny
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/25/19
Note: This is a work of fiction.