By Reporter X
Some attendees of the Bolingbrook Pride Picnic on June 10 will get a free UFO ride.
“It’s about time Bolingbrook had a pride event,” said Oxlogot, who is donating her spacecraft for the event. “I thought the least I could do was make the first event special.”
Oxlogot added that she was disappointed that the Department of Interstellar Affairs wasn’t supporting the Pride event: “You would think the Village employees would want to show the galaxy that they support and celebrate all sexualities. Instead, they’re working on promotional tie-ins for the Bolingbrook Pet Parade. The department may not wish to recognize the triumphs and struggles of Bolingbrook’s LGBTQA+ community, but I, along with many other visitors, do recognize them. We also appreciate all they bring to Bolingbrook and Clow.”
According to Oxlogot, attendees will be randomly selected for the UFO rides. The ride will include a flyover of Clow UFO Base, and a trip to the far side of the moon: “They’ll only be gone from the picnic for five minutes. All minors will be accompanied by their parents. It’ll be fun, and I’m allowed to let my passengers remember the trip.”
An official from the Department of Interstellar Affairs defended the decision not to participate in the Pride Picnic: “Any visitor with the proper paperwork can attend the picnic. Right now, our main focus is making preparations to celebrate Flag Day. The village has never recognized Pride Month. Why should this department be the exception?”
Oxlogot and her crew will also assist with security at the picnic: “I know Clow bans interstellar Nazis, but many are sneaking into Bolingbrook so they can help Arthur Jones’s congressional campaign. My crew will make sure they stay far away from the picnic. The only thing people should worry about is how much time they’ll get to spend with the puppies.”
When asked to comment, a Bolingbrook Pride committee member laughed and hung up.
A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said he was attending a critical briefing and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar, said: “So, Charlene, if I go to this picnic, what should I say?”
“You should say that it doesn’t matter who Bolingbrook residents love— Just as long as there’s a place in their hearts for you, Roger. Isn’t that what living in Bolingbrook is really about?”
Also in the Babbler:
Melania Trump spotted at Clow UFO Base
Claar accused of using hypnosis to secure political donations
Russian internet troll disqualified from running for Will County Board
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/9/18