Interceptor from Clow UFO Base shot down over Palatine (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Officials from Rob Sherman UFO Base in Palatine, IL confirmed they shot down an interceptor from Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  The incident is the latest escalation in the war between the Illuminati and the New World Order.

Juan Z. Stevens, a spokesperson for Sherman UFO Base, said the interceptor violated their air space:  “The craft was on an intercept course towards an alien craft trying to land at our facility.   The interceptor pilot ignored our warnings before entering our air space.  We rightfully assumed that it was hostile and took immediate action.”

According to Stevens, Sherman UFO Base, which is controlled by the New World Order, has been sabotaged several times by Illuminati operatives since it opened this year.  Stevens accused Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar of being behind the attacks, and accused Claar of ordering the interceptor to violate their air space.

“Mayor Roger Claar hates our base because we take traffic away from his Illuminati occupied base.  With this incident, he has escalated  from threatening our facility, to threatening our visitors.  This is not acceptable.  It is a violation of Interstellar conventions, and we will file a protest, and rush construction of our hypersonic missile launchers on Dundee RD.”

The interceptor crashed into Deer Grove East Forest Preserve, and started a fire.  Firefighters rescued the pilot, who only had minor injuries, then turned him over to the New World Order.  The fire burned 50 acres before it was under control.  

The next day, the New World Order released the pilot to Bolingbrook officials in exchange for a New World Order operative who was being held at Clow UFO Base.  Both were reportedly in good health.  However ,the released New World Order operative said listening to Claar’s pro-Illuminati lectures should be “considered a form of torture”.

Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, defended their pilot’s actions: “Clow UFO Base has exclusive rights to the Chicagoland area.  We’ve been tolerant of the NWO’s two illegal bases, but our tolerance has its limits.  This craft ventured unacceptably close Roger’s home.  We had the right to intercept and inspect this craft to ensure Roger’s safety.  This attack against our interceptor is unacceptable, and this is why Roger has called for the complete and unconditional surrender of the New World Order.”

Stevens said the closest the craft came to Claar’s home was when it was 60,000 feet over West Dundee.

Coker conceded that the craft was over West Dundee, but said it crossed two centimeters into a no-fly zone that protects Claar’s home.

Coker added that Claar was “generous enough” to give the New World Order three weeks to shutdown Sherman UFO Base, make a donation to his Interstellar Campaign Fund, and remove all “foes” from Bolingbrook:  “All real residents support Roger, and have faith in his decisions. Anyone who disagrees with him is a foe, and must be removed.”

Claar and Palatine Village Manager Reid Ottesen could not be reached for comment.  This reporter attempted to stop by Palatine Mayor Jim Schwantz’s home, but was stopped by a police officer.  While this reporter talked to the officer, a man who looked like Schantz stepped out of the house, wearing a bluetooth headset and carrying a bag of garbage.  He walked towards two toters.”

“Mayor Jim Schwantz, Fremd High School graduate, and former Chicago Bear, takes to the sanitation gridiron.  He scans the driveway.  He spots his wide open 96 gallons trash toter.  He pushes the lid back, released the bag, and it’s caught!  He closes the lid.  Boy, this toter has great protection against the elements, and wild animals.  What’s this?  Schwantz senses the approaching sanitation defenders closing in.  The pocket seems to be collapsing.  He’s about to be—No!  He grabs both the trash toter, and the 65 gallon recycling toter and rushes to the end of the driveway.  You know, not only does the recycling toter have a lid, it also has wheels, and offers great protection against the wind.  No busted coverage in this community!  He’s about to reach the end zone.  Wait!  His wife just handed him a bag of garbage.  But there’s no room in the toter.  What will he do?  He drives the toters into the end zone, and spikes the trash bag to the ground.  Because no one in Palatine is forced to own a toter.  Thus our sanitation policy sacks your policy!  What’s that?  Wow!  Your campaign fund is bigger than mine.  Then again, Ryan Leaf’s salary was bigger than mine, and you know who performed better in the NFL.  Hello?”

Also in the Babbler:

Hidden Lakes Monster spotted for the first time this year

Skepchick Party to hold first convention in several years

Bolingbrook skunk honored for her trash art

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/23/19

Note: This is a work of fiction.

AOC confronts IL06 Republican candidate Sanguinetti during an Illuminati event at the Bolingbrook Golf Club (Fiction)

Former Lt. Governor Evelyn Sanguinetti’s speech at the Bolingbrook Golf Club to the Illuminati turned into a confrontation with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:

Sanguinetti, who is currently running to be the Republican candidate for Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District, started off her speech by promising to “do to Congress what (Former Governor Bruce Rauner) did to Illinois!”  She added: “The Illuminati is about creating chaos, and Illinois was in chaos!  I helped create that chaos, and I want to help you create that same kind of chaos on a national level.  Only this time I promise to ban abortions too!”

She then accused current Representative Sean Casten of being a “New World Order puppet” who “pals around with Alexandria Whats-her-name” and secretly wants to bring about communism.

“The Sixth District wants chaos.  I know that because I can see Russia—I mean Wheaton, from outside my bedroom window.  We don’t need a mad scientist like Sean in office.  We need someone who will resist the Green Deal death panels.”

Ocasio-Cortez then appeared on the video screen above Sanguinetti.

“Hello,” she said.  “I am Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Wild Knight of the Illuminati.  But cool people call me AOC.”

“Miss. AOC—”

“You’re not cool.”

Ocasio-Cortez then accused Sanguinetti of not understanding the Illuminati:  “We don’t create chaos for the sake of chaos.  We are a bipartisan group that believes humanity is best served by destroying the neoliberal world order.  I support the Illuminati because we only have 11 years to prevent irreversible damage from climate change.  The New World Order created this mess, and we have to destroy them if we’re going to save the planet.”

She then offered advice to Sanguinetti: “You’re not going to impress us by acting like a defective Sarah Palin clone.  We value politicians who will advance our cause—  Like me.  Just yesterday I persuaded Bernie Sanders to defect to the Illuminati. The New World Order will never recover from a Trump/Sanders race.”

The audience then gave the congresswoman a standing ovation.

After the applause, Ocasio-Cortez said, “By the way, Sean doesn’t like the Green Deal, and isn’t a member of any secret society.”  She then logged off.  

Sanguinetti stared at the audience for several uneasy moments.

“I wasn’t prepared for that,” she finally said.  “But that’s OK because Bruce told me that only liberals are prepared.  Can you believe they wanted us to prepare a budget each year?  That’s so Chicago Machine liberal!”

Sanguinetti resumed her speech.  After finishing, three men, wearing cheap replicas of plate mail armor, stood up and chanted, “DnD is really great!  Why are you so full of hate?”

DuPage Township Trustee and Illuminati Chaos Knight Alyssia Benford told them to be quiet.

When they asked who she was, she replied: “You just insulted the residents of Bolingbrook.  The lie: Who are you?  The truth: I have a CPA. Squires!  Attack!”

Three men and one woman charged at the protesters, wielding squashes as weapons.

“They aren’t LARPing!” cried one of the protesters before all of them fled.

After the speech, many did not seem impressed with Sanguinetti.

“She’s okay,” said a woman who asked that we not use her name or title.  “But I’m really looking forward to the (State Representative Jeanne Ives)/Benford ticket for governor.”

“There’s never a dull moment in our secret society,” said another member of the Illuminati.

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook recovers from another snow attack
Clow UFO base braces for Mayor Claar’s return as administrator
Hidden Lakes monster resumes hibernating for six more days
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

New World Order opens UFO bases in Palatine and Peotone (Fiction)

By Reporter X

The New World Order officially opened its Palatine and Peotone UFO Bases over the weekend.  The two bases will compete with Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, which was controlled by the Illuminati, and is currently being administered by the Interstellar Commonwealth.

Select local residents and political leaders celebrated as the first cargo of computer chips landed at Peotone UFO Base.

“I’m so happy,” said Village Clark Donna Werner.  “To paraphrase Carol Burnett, – It’s like giving birth after being pregnant for 51 years— and the baby is beautiful!”

Will County Executive Larry Walsh spoke briefly at the opening:

“I love talking about how Will County is now the gateway to the stars.  First, though, I have to address the most pressing concern of our residents:  How will this new UFO base affect their property taxes?  Thanks to the fees that will be generated by this base, we will now have the option to reduce your property taxes.  We are so fortunate to be able to collect revenue from two UFO bases.”

Will County Board member Jackie Traynere praised the opening of the base, but expressed hope that the conflict between the New World Order and the Illuminati would end soon:

“Someday, I hope someday, we can merge Clow and Peotone UFO bases.  If that happens, then both communities will be the home of the largest UFO base on Earth, period.”

Clow UFO Base is currently the largest urban UFO base in the world.

In Palatine, the New World Order held a grand opening party at the Park Place Shopping Center.  The seemly abandoned mall is actually one of the control centers for the base.

Village Manager Reid Ottesen thanked the New World Order for selecting Palatine, but said he still objected to the name of the base:

“Did you really have to call it the Rob Sherman UFO Base?  He’s the reason we don’t have a village seal.”

“He was our best operative in this area,” replied Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s Administrator for Illinois.

“Why not name it after our best writer, Frederik Pohl?”

“More of our alien visitors remember Rob’s debate with the Space Pope than have read any of his books.”

“That’s sad.”

Ottesen then reminded the audience that Mayor Jim Schwantz, and every other Cook County political leader, was not aware of the base.  

“That’s another bad idea, but our village really needs the money, so I can’t complain too much.”

“I don’t care if someone is a member of the Democratic or Republican Party,” replied Xavier.    A Cook County politician is a Cook County politician.  As long as you keep them away from our base, we will reward your village.”

Representative Sean Casten, who lives in DuPage County, thanked the New World Order for paying the salaries of Federal Workers at Sherman UFO Base during the Federal Government shutdown.  He also reflected on his time as an employee at Clow UFO Base. Then, he apologized to the aliens in the audience:

“This not our country’s finest moment.  This is not our species finest moment.  We are divided, and our planet is in danger of overheating.  I hope that in this moment, good people will stand up and do what is right for our planet, and my district.  Please give us a chance to prove ourselves worthy of membership in the Interstellar Commonwealth.”

Schwantz arrived near the end of the celebration.  He was told that he was attending a costume party to celebrate the new businesses planned for the mall.  He complimented aliens for their “great costume designs” then gave a brief speech:

“Palatine is a great community,” he said.  “So I hope the owners don’t have any secrets to hide.”

The crowd gasped.  

“Relax.  I was just referring to that one Indian Restaurant that had a secret Mexican restaurant inside.  I still can’t figure that one out.”

Xavier mumbled something about the closing of a New World Order affiliated facility.

“Anyway, I’m sorry we can’t watch a Bears game this weekend but do say welcome to the community.  I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with this mall.  I’m guessing one of the new businesses is going to be a costume shop.”

“Sure,” replied Xavier.  “That’s the plan.”

A member of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel, who asked not to be named, said he was looking forward to visiting Palatine:  

“Now I can attend Kol Hadash and Beth Chaverim services and not deal with the long car drive from Bolingbrook.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar called the two bases, “Pale imitations of Clow that will go out of business within a year.”

Also in the Babbler:

Bolingbrook survives another Russian snow attack
Trustee Maripat Oliver says her campaign website is unfinished, not proof of a split-personality
Weredeer endorse the First Party for Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/19

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

The election of our discontent: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

Election season is almost over with, and this one will probably go down as one of the most important in US history.  Will a blue wave of liberalism sweep over the country, or will a red tide of fascism rise up?  You, the readers, will decide.  We’ve mostly been getting generic form letters from supporters of each candidate, but I found a few original ones worthy of being published:

To the Editor:

#Blexit is dishonest and old school.  Kanye West has shown me the true path to liberation: #Yeexit!

What does #Yeexit mean to me?  It means not supporting a political party just because one of them passed the Civil Rights Act over 50 years ago, or because the other freed the slaves over 150 years ago.  It asking what each party will do for blacks.  It also means looking at each candidate’s positions and their current conduct.  

#Yeexit has a simple message for politicians of all parties:  Don’t take us for granted.  Earn our vote, now!

Claude Z. Washington
Bolingbrook, IL

That’s good advice for everyone.

For some reason, we’ve been getting some suspicious letters from the Sixth Congressional District.  Here’s the most interesting one.

To the editor:

I’m a tax-loving pansexual transgender Hillary Clinton Democrat who believes global warming is real because it was hot last summer.

I won’t be voting for Sean Casten because he denied five women the opportunity to run for Congress!  I’ve also conducted my own research on the Internet, and I keep seeing the word “Stupid” pop up.  He makes me mad!

He also said he admires a man who refuses to date women!  How hateful is that?

Peter Roskam once said he supported the Violence Against Women Act.  That’s good enough for me!

I also heard that there will be many liberals voting for Peter Roskam and that will include #metoo!

Insert Female Name here
Don’t use Wheaton, IL
Don’t send until approved by Peter.

Oops.  

For the record, all the women who ran against Casten later endorsed him.  We’ve even heard that some are campaigning for him in the general election.  He admires Dan Savage for creating the “It Gets Better” campaign.  Savage won’t date women because he’s gay.  Congressman Peter Roskam voted for the Violence Against Woman Act before he voted against it.  I guess he’s from the John Kerry school of voting.  Lastly, Casten has undergraduate degrees in molecular biology and biochemistry.  He also has a masters’ degree in both engineering management and biochemical engineering.  So pardon me if I doubt the Koch Brother’s description of Casten.

Closer to home, we also have quite a few people commenting about the Bolingbrook Park District’s referendum.  First the Yes side:

To the Editor:  

Did you know in this election, you can vote to give the Park District more money, and to lower your taxes at the same time?  Is it magic?  Is it an act of God?  Who cares!  I urge all voters to put the Bolingbrook Park District first and vote yes on the Park District Referendum.

Mitchel Troutkowski
Bolingbrook, IL

Now the No side:

To the Editor:

The Bolingbrook Park District has sunk to a new low in their effort to sneak their new tax increase by us.  I was going to put up some yard signs opposing the next tax, but then I saw someone had beaten me to it.  So I decided not to make the signs.  Then one day I decided to go to the URL on the No signs.  The website is actually for the Yes side!

This is evil.  Residents should be enjoying the full savings from the Park District paying off a bond.  Instead, the Park District is sneaking in a new tax and hoping we don’t notice it because our tax bill will drop slightly.  

Don’t be fooled!  This is a tax increase, and taxes are evil!  Resist evil.  Vote no and unite against the Bolingbrook Park District.

Sam Z. Peterseim
Bolingbrook, IL

This is almost as fun as reading the Bolingbrook Politics on Facebook.  Seriously, it comes down to this: Do homeowners want to save a little money, or do they want to save a lot of money?  We will find out this week.

Remember:  Soldiers and activists died so you could vote.  Don’t waste their sacrifice.  Vote on November 6th.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar:  No plans to place armed citizens at polling places
Alien election observers arrive in Bolingbrook
Editorial: Lack of sex isn’t an excuse to kill people
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/18

Clow UFO Base bans political display ads on spacecraft (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base announced it is banning all UFOs from displaying political ads on the outside of their spacecraft, and from showing them during abductions.

“I don’t know what (Mayor Roger Claar) was thinking,” said acting administrator Aplodoxage Glomox during a press conference.  “Actually, I have my suspicions, but this is not the place to talk about them.”

Two UFOs flying over I-88. Each is displaying a political ad.

A rare photo of two UFOs with political ads. They were photographed flying over I-88.

Since 1989, Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs has allowed aliens to sell political advertising space on their spacecraft, provided they did not violate visibility rules.

“Depending on the time of day, a craft may be visible to the naked human eye,” said Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for the department.  “All the visibility windows vary, but they’re all less than a minute long.  A lot of political campaigns will pay good money for those few seconds.”

Clow UFO Base staff will not provide a list of ad buyers. They insist that all the human buyers have permission to contact aliens.  Sources confirmed that off-world “political influencers” have bought ads, but refused to provide more details.  Ads could only be paid for using Interstellar Credits.

Glomox said the display ads are inconsistent with the Interstellar Commonwealth’s policy towards Earth:

“We are supposed to be subtly guiding humanity towards full membership in the Commonwealth.  Political ads on our spacecraft are as subtle as the rings of Saturn.  Besides, there are only two types of ads:  Either ‘this candidate is perfect’ ads or ‘this candidate is evil’ ads.  Neither are helpful.  Some humans worship us. So we have to take our role as guides seriously.”

Posslot, a resident of the Barnard’s Star solar system, is disappointed in the ban: “Sure I made a fortune off of the ads, but they’ve also helped my research.  Running (Representative Peter Roskam’s ads) proved to me that you can raise your constituents’ taxes all you want as long as you call yourself a Republican and call your opponent a Democrat.”

Stizaleek, a resident of Pluto, said she was going to stop putting ads on her UFO anyway:  “I like Lauren Underwood, and I wanted to help her.  So made my own video ad, and displayed it on my craft.  One night I flew over her house and sent her a message telling her about my ad.  At first, she didn’t know what to think of about my craft, but then she replied that if I was going to run ads, she couldn’t talk to me.  Something about being against the rules to coordinate with political action committees.  Well, I don’t want to be a political action committee of one.  So I stopped running the ads.  I still hope she wins.”

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office for the rest of the week.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said: “Charlene, did you hack my Facebook account, and were you the one who told (Trustee Rick Morales) that I wrote that fake post?”

“Not now,” said Charlene.  “I’m in the middle of something, Bob.”

A man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts yelled: “That’s not how the Universe works.  That’s not how anything works!”

“Charlene, what’s going on?” asked the man who sounded like Jaskiewicz.

“Roger asked me to help Sheldon get ready for next year’s campaign.  So I decided to help toughen him up by locking him in a room with Kanye West.”

“Does Roger know you’re doing this?”

“He said that as long as I get results, he doesn’t care how I do it.”

The man who sounded like Watts yelled: “Charlene, get me out of here!”

“You still have 57 minutes left.”

“I can’t take it anymore.”

“I’ll let you out if you refuse the holy spirit.”

“You’re evil, Charlene!”

“You’re so judgmental, Sheldon!  I identify as amoral.”

A man who sounded like West said, “You can’t leave now.  I still need to talk to you about Drew Peterson.”

The man who sounded like Watts screamed.

Also in the Babbler:  

Men in Blue defuse anti-matter bomb at Clow UFO Base
Mayor Claar denies Bolingbrook will invest in a lunar golf course
Bolingbrook Politics administrator denies 99% of members are Russian trolls
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/31/18

Note:  This is a work of fiction. 

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar punishes Illuminati operative following Casten/Roskam debate (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar punished an Illuminati operative for incompetence following the Illinois Sixth Congressional Debate.  

Rep. Peter Roskam (Left) and Sean Casten (Right) during their first televised debate on Fox 32 in Chicago.

According to a transcript obtained by the Babbler, the operative was supposed to plant a device in Rep. Peter Roskam’s podium to calm him, and another in Sean Casten’s podium to make him angry and agitated.  The operative mixed up the podiums.

“I thought they were going to seat Sean Casten stage left, and Roskam stage right,” protested the operative.  She added, “I probably should have known that Fox would put the Republican stage left to get more attention from the viewers.  Still, it was a simple mistake.”

Claar, who has been a leader in the Illuminati since 2016, replied, “Your ‘simple mistake’ may have cost us a useful stooge in Congress.  Peter has done so much to tear down our government.  We needed him to look like a calm leader and Casten to look like a panicked frat boy.  Do you know how much it will cost us to flood the Sixth District with subliminal ads to make up for what you did?  I’ve already invested $2000 in the Roskam campaign.  Now I’ll have to invest more.  Are you really a New World Order double agent?”

In the transcript, she knelt before Claar and begged for forgiveness.  Claar said he could have her executed, but he would show her mercy.  He ordered her to drive the “Gauntlet of Boredom” and not to return until she completed 100 laps.  

Sources within the Chicagoland Illuminati say the operative was last seen driving towards the construction site at Weber Road and trying to get on to I-55.

When called for a comment, Claar replied: “Do you know how happy I am that I raised over $300,000  last quarter?  Happy enough to play along with one of your interviews.  Let’s see, is it about Bigfoot porn?  Oh my God!  Who are you and what are you doing in my yard?”

A young man replied: “I’m with the Congressional Leadership Fund.  Oops.  I mean the Roskam campaign.  I’m putting up this free yard sign for you.”

“I don’t live in his district, and a yard sign here doesn’t help him. Don’t you know the boundaries of the Sixth district?”

“I don’t care.  They just pay me, and right now they’re paying me to put up yard signs in every donor’s yard.”

“Do you know what happened the last time someone tried to decorate my home without my permission?”

A staffer at Casten’s Barrington’s campaign headquarters refused to comment about the Illuminati:  “Fake stories don’t matter.  What matters is Sean won the debate, and we’re celebrating.  The Barrington Battle Station is ready for victory in November!”  Dance music played in the background for a few seconds then suddenly stopped.

A man who sounded like Casten said, “Guys!  Gather around me.  Now, I’ve never had someone doing victory dances for me, and I’m flattered.  But its way too soon!  Peter is hurting, but he’s not finished.  There’s too much money in his Wheaton War Room to ignore.  We have to keep canvassing and calling residents.  Did you see me shaking hands with the counter-protesters following the debate?  If I can shake hands with activists who traveled 30 miles to yell at me, you can meet with the friendlier Republicans in our district.”

On a video chat, an out-of-district Republican staffer canvassing with Roskam said: “I thought I was just signing up to talk to people about Congress.  I didn’t realize I was going to work for a political campaign.  Peter is starting to scare me.  You know how upset Peter is about this election?  He stopped spending time with his maps!  Now he’s actually out talking to residents.  He says he’s talked to 20,000 residents, but this is only the fifth one I’ve heard him talk to.  I don’t think ribbon cuttings should count.  Oh my God!  You’ve got to see this.”

The camera turned to show Roskam standing on the porch of an irate resident.

“Look at this Sean Casten tweet,” said Roskam.  “It’s not true.  He deleted it rather than issuing a formal apology and dropping out of the race.  He said words matter.  This tweet shows who Sean really is!”

“Words do matter,” she replied.  “For starters, there’s no such thing as an ‘average median.’  The median income here is below $100,000.  Your plan is skewed towards constituents who make more than that.”

“Don’t believe everything you read.  You know Steve Strauss in Plainfield, right?”

“No.”

“Good.  Steve owns Fries BBQ and Grill.  He said my tax plan will allow him to give his employees a raise.  Sean wants to—  Hey!  What are you doing on your phone?”

“Using Google.”

“You’re going to trust Google over me?”

“Yes, and even if you told me the truth, overall wages have dropped since your tax bill was enacted.”

“I’m tired of this toxic environment Democrats have created.  I’m trying to be bipartisan, and they’re running candidates against me.  Didn’t you watch the debate?  Sean said abortion is just like gallbladder surgery.  Is that insane?”

“You’re not a psychologist, and I’d rather have a congressman who thinks of abortion as a medical procedure than one who would use his wife’s stillbirth to avoid talking about his past mistakes.”

“Gallbladder surgery?”

“If you had your way, miscarriages and stillbirths would lead to criminal investigations.  It was terrible what happened to both of you, but it would have been worse if the police investigated your wife for prenatal neglect and abuse after the stillbirth. Would you have liked that?”

“Don’t listen to the liberal media.  Look.  I’ve stood up to my party and earned the endorsement of the American Chemistry Council for my work protecting the environment.”

“You voted to let coal companies pollute waterways!  You’ve always said one thing, and done another by voting against it.  You give politicians a bad name.  Now get off my property and don’t touch my Casten sign.”

The woman flipped off Roskam and slammed the door.

“I am one of the most powerful men in Congress.  I am on the Ways and Means Committee. I serve the real interests of this district.  Let me keep working in Congress, goddamnit!”

Web Exclusive: Space Nazis canvas Illinois 3rd Congressional District for Arthur Jones (Fiction)

(Content notice:  Depictions of Nazis and racism)

Bethany, a resident of Brookfield, didn’t give a second thought when she heard the doorbell.  Looking through her peephole, she saw three men, whose bodies appeared to have been painted in white house paint, wearing white slacks and white polo shirts.

“What do you want?”  She asked.

“We are ordinary Volkswagens,” said one of the men.  “I mean Volks.  I mean people.  We are like you, only whiter.  We’re here to talk to you about the next sub-link, I mean orbiza, I mean congressman from this concentration, I mean the Third Congressional district. Arthur Jones.”

“Like all residents,” said another man, “He is a blue-blooded American.”  The man then pulled out a knife and cut himself.  Blue blood rushed out of the wound.

Bethany screamed and called 911.  She claims two Men in Blue walked up to her porch, cleaned up the blood, and told her not to tell any mainstream media outlets about what she saw.

“I guess the Babbler doesn’t count as a mainstream outlet,” she said.

Dozens of residents claim to have seen aliens canvasing the district for Jones, the Republican candidate for the district.  He is a former member of the American Nazi Party and a white supremacist.  His website and some of his flyers promote holocaust denialism.  Jones has been denounced by the Illinois Republican Party, including Governor Bruce Rauner.

Since Jones’s primary victory, space Nazis, and beings with similar beliefs, have tried to infiltrate the district and work for his campaign.

“He hasn’t raised any money on Earth,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We suspect all his campaign staff and volunteers are undocumented interstellar visitors.”

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, also encountered what he claims was a Nazi from space.  According to Joe, he opened the door and saw a frail older man.  The man claimed he was the last surviving member of a lunar Nazi colony created by the Germans at the end of World War II.  

“I asked him why, if the Nazis had such advanced technology, they didn’t win. He said something about waiting for the right moment.  When cores of their atomic bombs expired, they still waited.  Even when they ran out of food and water, the leadership said it wasn’t the right moment.  He said Arthur Jones’s primary victory was that moment.”

Joe claims he punched the man, then called the police.  “I always wanted to punch a real Nazi.  I’ve known survivors of the Holocaust, and hitting him was the least I could do.  Of course, I could also become a member of the Skokie Holocaust Museum.  I could also forget about the mean things I said about Representative Dan Lipinski during the primary and vote for him.  Dan hates gay marriage, but he wouldn’t vote to kill us.”

Ruth, who asked that we not use her last name, believes she encountered aliens pretending to be white supremacists.  According to her, ten were on her front lawn holding Tiki Torches, and chanting, “Jews will not replace us.”  One of the alleged aliens walked up to her and said his name was Lukas.  “He said that the ‘yellow-pinkish race’ needed to stand up to the bankers living in the capital city of Elyakim.  I said I’d never heard of it.  Lukas said it was the ancient Jewish capitol.” 

Elyakim is the capitol city of one of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Ruth claims that another alleged alien whispered to Lukas. Lukas then said he really meant Jerusalem and Israel.  Ruth said that she was Jewish, and thought the aliens in front of him were vile and evil.  Lukas replied they weren’t evil because they were being anti-semitic “ironically.” Ruth claims she sprayed mace at Lukas’s face, and his head melted like butter. Then the others ran off.  Headless, Lukas replied, “You ruined a perfectly good human suit.”

Armstrong said Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, at first, was able to capture most of the space Nazis that landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  When protesters took seized Clow UFO Base, it lost access to their anti-UFO interceptors and control of most of Bolingbrook’s anti-UFO weapons.  This, according to Armstrong, led to more alien Nazis entering the Third District to help Jones.

“We are doing our best to protect Chicagoland,” said Armstrong.  “But as long as there is hate in the galaxy, beings who want to feel superior, and leaders willing to exploit both qualities, there will always be a Nazi threat.”

In a fax to the Babbler, Jones insisted his staff was white and he couldn’t wait to fire up his oven.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said Claar could not comment because he was in the middle of a meeting:  “Don’t tell anyone, but Roger is meeting with a person who wants to do an invocation at the next meeting.”

In the background, a man said:  “May James Randi’s magic make this board skeptical of woo.  May the memory of Christopher Hitchens inspire the board to Hitchslap PZ Myers and his hoard of Islamist social justice warriors.  May Elizabeth Loftus teach the board to doubt their memories.  May Michael Shermer lead their thoughts to the secular promised land.  Reason.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I thought The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s prayers were supposed to be silly.”

“Oh, I’m not with them.  I’m a representative from the Sam Harris Dark Web.”

“That’s…all I need to know.”

Web Exclusive Editorial: Really Roger? (Mixed)

From the Babbler Editorial Board:

Nowadays, there is always someone posting live commentary on social media during public events.  It should be common knowledge, but apparently, Mayor Roger Claar isn’t aware of this.

During the July 10 Village Board meeting, Jason Cann, the administrator of the Bolingbrook Politics Facebook group, sat in the audience and posted his live commentary.  Others in the group joined in.  Near the end of the meeting, Claar looked out at Cann and said: “Mr. Cann, you’ve got all these questions and facts you’ve brought up on the Internet.  Why don’t you come up here and get the facts?”  When Cann declined to approach the podium, Claar then sarcastically addressed his questions and comments.

Setting aside the question of why Claar is browsing social media during a public meeting, we feel that his behavior was more than inappropriate. It seemed to us to be an intimidation attempt— Like a teacher calling a student up to the front of the class to embarrass them.  Board meetings are not classrooms, and Bolingbrook residents are not students.  Claar should know the difference,  as he has worked in both education and politics.

 It has been a rough month for Claar.  Between losing control of Clow UFO Base and a possible Russian weather attack against the All American Celebration, we can understand why he would be upset.  He must, however, know that he is a public servant and not the king of Bolingbrook.  

There are other ways Claar could have dealt with Cann.  We agree with Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz’s suggestion that Claar and Cann could have met in private to discuss their differences.  Claar could have presented his case on social media as well.  He has a Facebook account, an inactive Twitter account, and at least two Facebook groups that are allied with him.  Additionally, he could have addressed the comments without calling out Cann.

The value of an idea or the validity of a complaint isn’t based on whether or not it is presented in front of the entire Village Board.  Good ideas can come from Facebook posts, and bad ideas can come from elected officials.  Jaskiewicz is correct to believe that Roger’s behavior could discourage others from expressing their concerns or presenting their views.  We need more residents to be aware of what’s going on and to be more willing to offer their suggestions.

We don’t agree with everything Cann writes about the village, but we are glad that the Internet gives the people of Bolingbrook an opportunity to offer their views and suggestions about their community.  At times it’s not pretty — but its part of democracy and Bolingbrook could use more democracy.

Web Exclusive: UFO crews forced to play Representative Peter Roskam’s ads during abductions (Fiction)

By Reporter X

UFO

File photo of a UFO.

UFO crews are forcing abductees in Illinois’s Sixth Congressional District to watch Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign ads. 

“It’s either we make them watch the ads,” said Zodole from Kepler-62f, “Or we have to pay double the normal abduction fee.  What choice do we have?”

Mary, who asked that we not use her last name, described her experience:  “I was floating in the air, and I thought I was having a dream.  After I went into the light, I found myself in a white room.  Peter then appeared in front of me.  He said that he wanted to talk to me while aliens were examining me.  I told him to release me.  He ignored me and started talking about his opponent Sean Casten and something about (Rep. Nancy Pelosi).  I said Nancy Pelosi never abducted me, and you just did.  Then he started talking gibberish.  I later realized I was really talking to a hologram, but it looked and acted just like Peter.”

Joshua, who also asked that we not use his last name, called the ad an uplifting experience: “At the time, I thought God took me to Heaven and revealed that he was really Peter.  So, that meant that all this time he wasn’t speaking nonsense.  He was speaking in tongues!  The real reason we hardly see Peter in our district is that if anyone looks at him too long, they’ll die.  Sadly, I later realized that I was actually watching an ad on a UFO.  Still, that means Peter is out of this world!”

Zodole said she hated the ads:  “Most of the time, the ads just upset our subjects.  I remember one woman who accused Peter of taking away deductions for state and local taxes so he could pay for tax cuts for the rich.  It’s supposed to be an interactive ad, but, honestly, I think something went wrong during the recording.  Either that or Peter really is mentally dense for a human being.”

Polly, a member of Liberate IL06, denounced the ads:  “Sean Casten’s campaign is hosting standing room only events.  Peter is so desperate for an audience that he has to ask aliens to force residents to watch his ads. We deserve better than the man who dictated Trump’s stupid tax plan!”

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, which regulates abductions in Chicagoland, defended running the ads. An unsigned statement from the department read: “We have always allowed advertising by our visitors. Ad revenue allows more visitors to conduct science experiments in Chicagoland.  Revenue from the abductions funds Bolingbrook.  Our taxes would be much higher without abduction revenue.”  The letter also refused to state who is paying for the ads but did say that  Roskam’s campaign isn’t paying for them.

Sean Casten refused to comment on the ads:  “All I will say is that I have never worked at Clow UFO base.”

A man then walked into the room, saying: “Your Mom and I are going to be working on a roast.  So we won’t see you for two weeks.”

“Dad!  You don’t need to work on a roast.  Help me make pub burgers instead.”

“The roast is a family tradition.  I have to defend it.  This will be the best roast ever!”

“I got in trouble the last time you made a roast.  Help me make a pub burger instead.  It will be fun, and you won’t be accused of food poisoning.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Reporter.  We were not having a coded discussion about a Super PAC.”

Roskam could not be located in the district and did not reply to this reporter’s voicemails and emails.

Web Exclusive: Our readers speak out (Fiction)

By Doug Fields
The Reader’s Editor

While most our staff recovers from a suspected Russian biological attack, I decided to share some of the letters we’ve received. The ones I’ve selected cover the hot issues in our exceptional burb. 

We received quite a few letters about gun control. Some were very disturbing. A few Bolingbrook High School students argued that they should be able to buy assault rifles from the pawn shop across the street, to “protect themselves from teacher tyranny.” Other residents say they have the right to shoot at any public official they disagree with. We have forwarded these letters to the proper authorities. At the very least, you won’t be getting any awards from the village this year.

This is one of the sensible letters on gun control:

To the editor:

It seems that my fellow Second Amendment supporters are more interested in triggering liberals than promoting sensible gun use.  I’ve seen women put pistols in their yoga pants, and men put pistols in the crotch of their jeans. Don’t get me started on so called “open carry activists” who bring their guns to crowded places. Their actions endanger both themselves and the public. 

Thanks to some unfortunate incidents, more people support gun control today. It is scary, but that is no excuse to scare others. The public cannot tell the difference between a good guy with a gun, and a bad guy with a gun. We need to start acting like a well-regulated militia, or else the government will regulate us!  

Peter Z. Williams,
President of the Bolingbrook African American Rifle Association

Next, what would a Bolingbrook letters page be without a garbage letter: 

To the editor:

I am pleased to announce that I will be marrying the garbage toter I just met at the Home Depot. Not only will I be marrying the love of my life, but my spouse will be able to go anywhere on our property.  My love will be spending her days sitting by the side of our house, and no one, not even our dictatorial housing association, can stop my spouse!

I’m sure (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) will try to stop me, or impose a fee on my spouse.  He will fail because I know that every Bolingbrook resident, with few exceptions, supports freedom, and therefore will support my freedom to marry my loving garbage toter!

Name withheld by request,
Bolingbrook, IL

We believe in many things here at the Babbler, but we don’t believe that a garbage toter can consent to marriage.  I do have to wonder if this letter and the next letter are part of the same campaign:

To the Editor:

The Cook County Democrats have gone too far!  They’re organizing a “Bolingbrook Pride” event.  We’ve never had a gay event in Bolingbrook before.  Why now?

The answer is simple. The Chicago political machine, lead by Rahm Emanuel, Louis Farrakhan, and Jesus Garcia, want to take over Bolingbrook. This “pride” event is cover for an invading Cook County army! 

I don’t hate gay people.  I just don’t think they belong in Bolingbrook—  and Cook County has no business imposing them on us!  

I’m calling on every decent resident to stand up to this invasion force.  We stood up to Cook County last year.  We will do it again.  Keep your (offensive term redacted), Cook County!  Bolingbrook is a wholesome community!

Matt X. Stone
Bolingbrook, IL

I think I can speak for the entire Babbler staff regarding this letter.

First, there is no word in the English language strong enough to describe your total lack of knowledge about Cook County politics and your disrespect for LGBTQ+ people. Second, there are LGBTQ+ residents in Bolingbrook, and they help make Bolingbrook the diverse and vibrant community that it is today.  As far as we’ve determined, Bolingbrook Pride is locally organized, and we should be at their event in some manner.

You may not hate LGBTQ+ people, but attitudes like yours make life difficult for them.  They should be proud to be surviving the hate and discrimination imposed on them, as well as proud to be who they are.

That’s it for this week’s letters.  Remember, anyone can post a web comment.  Only a select few will have their letter published by me.  Are you up for the challenge?

Also in the Babbler:

Babbler staff recovers from Russian biological attack
Alien arrested at Bolingbrook storage facility
Mayor Claar planning secret trip to the Congo
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/3/18