Village Board attends the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference (Fiction)

Village Board members and selected guests attended the first Bolingbrook’s Enlightened Discussion conference, which was held during the Bolingbrook Jubilee.  Modeled after the popular T.E.D. conferences, the goal of B.E.D, according to promotional materials, is to promote “Real talk about real solutions for Bolingbrook’s real residents.”

Hosted at the Village Hall, attendees divided their time between speakers and the festival outside.

“I’ve never been to a conference that also had carnival rides,” Said John, a Bolingbrook business owner who asked that we not publish his last name.  “This is fun and enlightening.  That’s what makes Bolingbrook, Bolingbrook.”

One of the organizers, who asked not to be identified, said the conference, which has been in the planning stages since 2010, is important to the future of Bolingbrook:  “There’s a certain group of people who always complain about things, but never offer solutions.  At least we’re offering solutions.  Solutions that are so far outside the box, you can’t see the box from their location.”

Speaker Blake Walker Swain talked about changing the length of political office terms in Bolingbrook:  “We know one four year term is too short.  Bolingbrook has had too many one term or less mayors.  We know two terms aren’t long enough either.  Just look at Mayor Bob Bailey.  Everyone here knows that Bolingbrook functions best when we have a mayor that seems to have a limitless term.”

Swain proposed that Bolingbrook mayors should be elected to one 40 year term.  He also suggested that trustees should be appointed by the mayor to a ten-year term.  A mayor could then reappoint trustees at their discretion.

“The usual suspects won’t like this plan,” said Swain.  “But intellectually, we know this is a good plan.  It includes term limits, which one side wants, and it does away with mob rule, which is what Bolingbrook’s real residents want.”

Thomas Z. Miller proposed abolishing local taxes and fees and replacing them with an online fundraising page:  “It would be just like Patreon.  The more you donate each month, the more benefits you would receive.  Now the usual suspects would say this is corruption.  But I say its common sense, and I’m sure the thought leaders in the audience agree with me.”

Mayor Roger Claar and the trustees who are members of Claar’s Bolingbrook First party smiled and nodded during the speeches.

Near the end of the conference, Bolingbrook United trustee Robert Jaskiewicz said to Claar: “All I’m hearing are proposals.  When do we get to the discussion part?  I want to go over the problems with these ideas.”

 Claar reached into a cooler and pulled out a frozen Asian Carp.  He extended it towards Jaskiewicz.

“What are you doing?”  asked Jaskiewicz.

Claar pulled the fish back and examined it.  “It didn’t trigger Bob.  What am I doing wrong?”

Also in the Babbler:

Jaycees remove psychic from bingo tent
Residents upset over the lack of UFO rides at the Jubilee
Time traveler confused by cover bands performing at the Jubilee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/18

Web Exclusive: Columnist Onofrey conducts the first poll of the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election (Fiction)

By Dale Onofrey

Hello.  If you have been a long time reader of the Babbler, then you’ll remember that I used to write the Skeptical of Skeptics column.  Today, we’re part of the Freethought Blogs network, and the skeptical movement is just a fraction of the threat it used to be to open-mindedness.  So I don’t need to write that column anymore.  Instead, the editor was kind enough to let me stay on as a political pundit.  Thanks, Sara Langston.

For my first political column, I decided to see where Bolingbrook’s residents stand on the upcoming 2019 Board election.  Yes, we’re still dealing with the 2018 election, but who says we can’t look ahead to next year?  So here’s the result of our first Babbler poll in nearly 20 years:

Which political party do you want to win the 2019 Bolingbrook Trustee Election?

Bolingbrook United:  40%

The Roger Claar Party:  20%

The Art Bell Party:  20%

Bolingbrook Pride Reborn: 20%

Bolingbrook First: 0%

The Zero Tax Party: 0%

The Skepchick Party: 0%

Other: 0%

Based on this poll, it looks like Bolingbrook United is in a strong position heading into the election.  Bolingbrook Pride Reborn is going strong considering they haven’t run a candidate since the 1980s.  If they can get on the ballot, it’s possible they could form an alliance with Bolingbrook United and take over the village board.  

Despite the name, The Roger Claar party isn’t affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.  Usually, Claar kicks them off the ballot, and the courts affirm his decision.  If they get on the ballot for 2019, then they could take at least one seat from Bolingbrook First.  We could end up with a Board meeting where these two parties debate which is the most supportive of Claar.  That’s probably why Claar has raised over $300,000 for his campaign fund—  He knows he will need that much to support the Bolingbrook First party and to maintain his lifestyle.

Of course, things could change when the candidates are announced sometime in December.  Until then, this poll will inspire months worth of columns, most of which you can only read in the print edition of the Babbler.  It’s going to be a fun election season next year.

From the Webmaster:  This poll is based on a convenience sample of five people on Twitter.  Assuming everyone who participated was a Bolingbrook resident, the margin of error is ±43.826%. 

Proud Boys defeated by Antifa space aliens (Fiction)

By Reporter X

Alien Antifa fighters dealt a humiliating defeat to members of the Proud Boys who tried to violently end the occupation of Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“Our armor, our sticks, and our white skin weren’t enough,” cried one Proud Boy, who refused to be identified.  “They must have had help from the Space Jews.  They’re not cool like Netanyahu.”

The twelve members gathered outside Clow Airport, wielding wooden sticks. They were wearing helmets, black and yellow polo shirts, and homemade armor. Their leader, Clint, read a statement to this reporter saying that “space aliens with ties to space Muslims and anti-Western ideologies” had captured Clow UFO Base.  The Cook County Democrats, he claimed, were “preventing Bolingbrook’s Mayor Clark (sic) from doing what needs to be done.”  He also called Bolingbrook a “Space Alien Sanctuary City” and said his group would free the residents from “Illegal Space Aliens.”  Clint added that the Proud Boys, while having ties to white nationalists groups, were not white nationalists, but were pro-Western Civilization.

“We can’t help that the West is white,” said Clint.

The men then marched in formation towards the airport chanting “Space Jews will not replace us!” and “Islam is a virus from outer space!”  When they reached the flag poles, the members started defecating in their clothes.  Clint ordered them to start reciting brands of breakfast cereal.  

Seconds later, a Martian Colonial battleship hovering over the airport de-cloaked.  The Proud Boys angrily waved their wooden sticks at it.  The word “Antifa” appeared on the craft before the crew fired a cognitive dissonance ray at the protesters.  The men fell to the ground screaming.

“These thoughts invaded my head,” said an unnamed Proud Boy.  “Like a black man pioneered blood banking and the Chinese invented gunpowder.  Then I started thinking that maybe Western Civilization was created by people of diverse backgrounds.”  He screamed.  “I’m sorry, those thoughts still cause me pain.”

After the attack, Clint ordered the Proud Boys to run away.  They were then arrested by the Bolingbrook Police.

“You can’t arrest us!”  shouted Clint.  “We’re trying to make America great again.  You’re supposed to protect us from Antifa.”

After the protesters showered, and a cleaning service washed their clothes, Mayor Roger Claar met with them.  According to sources, Claar said he would release them since he didn’t to “deal with the headache of Internet racists.”  He added that all the protesters were now banned from Bolingbrook, and would be arrested if they ever came back.

“I don’t care about the color of your skin.  I only care if you’re a resident or a foe.”

The Proud Boys refused to be interviewed after being released from jail.  One was overheard saying, “We should have gone to Washington.  They needed more people.”  An email to their website was not returned.

A receptionist for Claar said he was out of the office, and that there was already a line of people waiting for him.

In the background, a man who sounded like Trustee Sheldon Watts said, “Look at this Charlene.  I’m leading the Bolingbrook Politics poll to be the next Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

“You’re welcome,” said Charlene.

“Wait a minute.  You rigged the poll?”

“No.  I told my international friends about the poll and they jumped in to vote.  The proper term is pharyngulate.  They deserved it for running an unscientific online poll.”

“That wasn’t nice Charlene.  You’re an evil atheist.”

“I self-identify as amoral.  Anyway, it’s all part of my plan to make you the next mayor of Bolingbrook.  Just imagine all the tax dollars you could forward to the Bolingbrook STEM Association as mayor.”

“I don’t need your help, Charlene.  God is on my side, I was elected to DuPage Township, and I was mentored by Leroy Brown.”

“Oh please.  First, I wouldn’t mention the Dupage Township, if I were you.  Second, Leroy Brown was a nice guy.  I loved Leroy.  Roger loved Leroy.  Jackie loved Leroy.  How many terms did he serve as mayor?    Third, you won’t win the pity vote.  Michael Lawler wins that in a landslide.”

“Pity vote?”

“Yeah.  ‘We appointed Sheldon because he’s a nice guy.  Then Bolingbrook United beat him by running three candidates against him.  Then Bob said mean things about Sheldon when we appointed him again.  You should elect him as mayor because he deserves a participation trophy.’”

“Participation trophy?  That’s not what being the mayor is about.  You really are mean.”

“Yes, meanness is part of the job of the Covert Social Media Operative.  I’m just being honest with you, but I also want you to win, and I have a better plan to give you the victory you deserve.”

“I’m afraid to ask.”

“All you have to do is be your nice, pious self.  I will be working with my friend Igor to ensure your victory next year and in the 2021 election.  Once I explain to Igor that Montgomery, Alabama isn’t in Will County, he’ll create proper—”

“La!  La!  La!  I can’t hear you.  Jesus loves me.  STEM is good.  Bolingbrook is the best place to live in America!”

Also in the Babbler:

Rep. Roskam:  My pants aren’t on fire, lying Sun-Times!
Hidden Lakes Monster to get a tunnel to Whalon Lake
Wheaton refuses to lift the ban on black magic
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/15/18

Caine: There is never enough time (Non-fiction)

Caine, a member of FtB, lost her battle with cancer this week.

Honestly, I mainly knew her through the back channel. I knew she had cancer, but I didn’t realize how severe it was.

I feel for her many friends and followers  I also feel sad that I will never get to know her better, or ever get to meet her in person.  That opportunity is gone.

Humans are fortunate, in that we appear to be the only animals on Earth that can perceive and appreciate the universe.  Our advances in medicine and science have extended our lifespans.  Still, at least for this week, it feels like there’s never enough time.  So I’ll try to make the most of the time I do have.  However long that is.

 

Wereskunks canvass Bolingbrook for Republican candidates (Fiction)

Many Bolingbrook residents claim to have met weresunks canvassing for Republican candidates.

Dolly, (not her real name) said two weresunks knocked on her door.  According to her, one of them said, “(Congressman) Bill Foster stinks, and you stink if you support him.”

The other one said, “I’ll mark your house so everyone will know you’re a stinking Foster voter.”

“I told them I was going to call the police,” said Dolly.  “I swear, one of them turned in to a 10-foot tall man-skunk with sharp claws.  It said calling the police was the wrong answer.  I slammed the door and locked it.  It sprayed the door and the front yard!  I thought tiny skunks were bad.”  Dolly added that she had to spend a fortune on peroxide, baking soda, and liquid detergent to deodorize her home.

Shannon encountered another group of wereskunk canvassers while walking home:  “They shoved a flyer in my hand and said I should vote for Alyssia Benford for State Representative.  I said she should fix the mess she helped make at the DuPage Township before fixing the mess in Springfield.”

According to Shannon, the canvassers confessed to being wereskunks, and they were really working on behalf of Mayor Roger Claar.  The wereskunks said that if the Republicans swept all of the races on the November Ballot, Claar would continue to ban garbage toters.  Garbage bags were more manageable for their cousins to open than garbage toters.

Shannon added, “One of them dropped his pants and turned around.  He said he would spray me if I didn’t vote for Benford.  I ran away.  I didn’t know what they would do if I told them that Jackie Traynere was running unopposed.”

Shannon also claimed that she heard the wereskunks chant: “Vote for Benford.  Vote for Claar.  Let our scent fill the air!”

An anonymous Will County Republican Party Official denied the wereskunks were working for the party.  “You guys are the pioneers of fake news.  Well, after we win all of our elections, the public will never trust the liberal media again.”

A person in the background sobbed and said, “It’s hopeless.  We’re going to be wiped out in November, and our donors will demand a refund!”

“Shut up!” snapped the Republican official.  “(Senator Rand Paul) is going to Russia to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

A member of the Foster campaign said she wasn’t worried about the wereskunks: “I can say this now that the canvassers have left.  Our only worry is when I’ll be able to sing my new song at the victory party.”

She started singing, “We’re gonna ride the blue wave” to the melody of “Wipeout.”

An aide to Claar denied the existence of wereskunks:  “Really, guys?  Wereskunks?”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said:   “I’m calling you today because you’re a loyal Republican, just like me.  You’ve always supported our party no matter what. This election, supporting our party means supporting Congressman Dan Lipinski.  We need—What?  You’re still voting for Arthur Jones?  He’s a neo-Nazi.  Since our party couldn’t agree on a write-in candidate, you might as well vote for Dan.  He voted with Trump 45 percent of the time this year.  Wait!  What do you mean you want to own a liberal?”

Also in the Babbler

Village urges calm as Martian Colonial battleship hovers over Clow UFO Base
New World Order surveys Palatine for UFO Base sites
FBI destroys ‘compromising’ photo of Rep. Roskam in a map room
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/18

Web Exclusive: Mayor Claar punishes Illuminati operative following Casten/Roskam debate (Fiction)

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar punished an Illuminati operative for incompetence following the Illinois Sixth Congressional Debate.  

Rep. Peter Roskam (Left) and Sean Casten (Right) during their first televised debate on Fox 32 in Chicago.

According to a transcript obtained by the Babbler, the operative was supposed to plant a device in Rep. Peter Roskam’s podium to calm him, and another in Sean Casten’s podium to make him angry and agitated.  The operative mixed up the podiums.

“I thought they were going to seat Sean Casten stage left, and Roskam stage right,” protested the operative.  She added, “I probably should have known that Fox would put the Republican stage left to get more attention from the viewers.  Still, it was a simple mistake.”

Claar, who has been a leader in the Illuminati since 2016, replied, “Your ‘simple mistake’ may have cost us a useful stooge in Congress.  Peter has done so much to tear down our government.  We needed him to look like a calm leader and Casten to look like a panicked frat boy.  Do you know how much it will cost us to flood the Sixth District with subliminal ads to make up for what you did?  I’ve already invested $2000 in the Roskam campaign.  Now I’ll have to invest more.  Are you really a New World Order double agent?”

In the transcript, she knelt before Claar and begged for forgiveness.  Claar said he could have her executed, but he would show her mercy.  He ordered her to drive the “Gauntlet of Boredom” and not to return until she completed 100 laps.  

Sources within the Chicagoland Illuminati say the operative was last seen driving towards the construction site at Weber Road and trying to get on to I-55.

When called for a comment, Claar replied: “Do you know how happy I am that I raised over $300,000  last quarter?  Happy enough to play along with one of your interviews.  Let’s see, is it about Bigfoot porn?  Oh my God!  Who are you and what are you doing in my yard?”

A young man replied: “I’m with the Congressional Leadership Fund.  Oops.  I mean the Roskam campaign.  I’m putting up this free yard sign for you.”

“I don’t live in his district, and a yard sign here doesn’t help him. Don’t you know the boundaries of the Sixth district?”

“I don’t care.  They just pay me, and right now they’re paying me to put up yard signs in every donor’s yard.”

“Do you know what happened the last time someone tried to decorate my home without my permission?”

A staffer at Casten’s Barrington’s campaign headquarters refused to comment about the Illuminati:  “Fake stories don’t matter.  What matters is Sean won the debate, and we’re celebrating.  The Barrington Battle Station is ready for victory in November!”  Dance music played in the background for a few seconds then suddenly stopped.

A man who sounded like Casten said, “Guys!  Gather around me.  Now, I’ve never had someone doing victory dances for me, and I’m flattered.  But its way too soon!  Peter is hurting, but he’s not finished.  There’s too much money in his Wheaton War Room to ignore.  We have to keep canvassing and calling residents.  Did you see me shaking hands with the counter-protesters following the debate?  If I can shake hands with activists who traveled 30 miles to yell at me, you can meet with the friendlier Republicans in our district.”

On a video chat, an out-of-district Republican staffer canvassing with Roskam said: “I thought I was just signing up to talk to people about Congress.  I didn’t realize I was going to work for a political campaign.  Peter is starting to scare me.  You know how upset Peter is about this election?  He stopped spending time with his maps!  Now he’s actually out talking to residents.  He says he’s talked to 20,000 residents, but this is only the fifth one I’ve heard him talk to.  I don’t think ribbon cuttings should count.  Oh my God!  You’ve got to see this.”

The camera turned to show Roskam standing on the porch of an irate resident.

“Look at this Sean Casten tweet,” said Roskam.  “It’s not true.  He deleted it rather than issuing a formal apology and dropping out of the race.  He said words matter.  This tweet shows who Sean really is!”

“Words do matter,” she replied.  “For starters, there’s no such thing as an ‘average median.’  The median income here is below $100,000.  Your plan is skewed towards constituents who make more than that.”

“Don’t believe everything you read.  You know Steve Strauss in Plainfield, right?”

“No.”

“Good.  Steve owns Fries BBQ and Grill.  He said my tax plan will allow him to give his employees a raise.  Sean wants to—  Hey!  What are you doing on your phone?”

“Using Google.”

“You’re going to trust Google over me?”

“Yes, and even if you told me the truth, overall wages have dropped since your tax bill was enacted.”

“I’m tired of this toxic environment Democrats have created.  I’m trying to be bipartisan, and they’re running candidates against me.  Didn’t you watch the debate?  Sean said abortion is just like gallbladder surgery.  Is that insane?”

“You’re not a psychologist, and I’d rather have a congressman who thinks of abortion as a medical procedure than one who would use his wife’s stillbirth to avoid talking about his past mistakes.”

“Gallbladder surgery?”

“If you had your way, miscarriages and stillbirths would lead to criminal investigations.  It was terrible what happened to both of you, but it would have been worse if the police investigated your wife for prenatal neglect and abuse after the stillbirth. Would you have liked that?”

“Don’t listen to the liberal media.  Look.  I’ve stood up to my party and earned the endorsement of the American Chemistry Council for my work protecting the environment.”

“You voted to let coal companies pollute waterways!  You’ve always said one thing, and done another by voting against it.  You give politicians a bad name.  Now get off my property and don’t touch my Casten sign.”

The woman flipped off Roskam and slammed the door.

“I am one of the most powerful men in Congress.  I am on the Ways and Means Committee. I serve the real interests of this district.  Let me keep working in Congress, goddamnit!”

Village Board celebrates opening of ‘troll farm’ in Bolingbrook (Fiction)

Members of the Village Board attended a ribbon cutting ceremony for Bolingbrook’s newest business, American Engagement.  The company, according to its press release, “aggressively promotes the interests of our clients on the Internet and restlessly pursues those who oppose their interests.”

Meme of a man spearing a carp.

“Carped” meme created by a Bolingbrook troll farm. (The Babbler staff choose not to show the subject’s face because he is not a public figure.)

“I’ve heard you’ve been called a ‘troll farmer,’ said Mayor Roger Claar to owner Craig Z. Bell.  “I don’t see any trolls here.  I see hard-working residents participating in the 21st-century economy.”

Bell thanked the mayor and trustees for attending the grand opening.  “Before my parents gave me my startup funding, they said that no one was better than the Russians at meme generation and forum engagement.  I replied that not only could Americans compete with the Russians, we could provide a better service than they can.  They gave me the money.  Roger gave me the opportunity, and here we are.  I’m proud to be a Bolingbrook business employing Bolingbrook residents.

After the ribbon cutting, Bell took the trustees on a tour of the facility, which was once a warehouse.  According to Bell, the facility is open 24 hours, and employees are paid to monitor and participate in thousands of social media groups and Reddit communities using specialized accounts.

“Each specialized account is maintained by at least three employees, providing 24 hours of continuous engagement on behalf of our clients.  All of our employees are legal US residents.”

“Don’t you mean fake accounts?”  asked Trustee Robert Jaskiewicz.

“Why are you so hostile towards local businesses, Bob?” countered Claar.

Bell introduced the board members to an employee who did not say his name.  He said hi, then took pictures of Trustees Deresa Hoogland and Maria Zarate.

“Thanks.  I needed more chick pics.”

Bell chuckled and said, “He’s going to make both of you Internet famous.”

“Ooh,” replied Hoogland.  “That means more Internet viewers when I read my public service announcements.”

In addition to “forum engagement,” Bell said AE also produces memes.  He then showed them their “Carped” meme:

“This is the first of what we hope will be many successful memes.  You should see the engagement numbers in Bolingbrook Politics and Bolingbrook Rants and Raves.”

“Wait a minute,” said Claar.  “You know this is a picture of one of my supporters.”

“Yeah, and he shouldn’t start arguments with people before blocking them.  Roger, this is all in good fun.  The important thing is that if we can create engaging content about a little-known resident, imagine what we could do for or against politicians or annoying activists.”

Bell then showed the board a meme they plan on releasing next year.  It was a painting of Trustee Sheldon Watts arm wrestling with Will County Board member Jackie Traynere.  The spirits of deceased Trustee Leroy Brown and deceased former Mayor Ed Rosenthal are pushing Sheldon’s hand.  A demon and Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel are pushing Jackie’s hand.

“That’s so beautiful,” said Watts.

“Are memes like this really good for democracy?” asked Jaskiewicz.  

“Bob, we told you not to criticize Sheldon because he was mentored by Leroy.  Have you no respect for the dead?”

“We’re a republic, not a democracy,” added Bell.

At a reception following the tour, a woman walked up to Bell:  “Hi.  I’m a new village employee.  As part of my new hire testing, I’m supposed to give you this check.”

Bell accepted the check.  Jaskiewicz looked at Claar and frowned.  Claar took the new hire aside:

“You were supposed to wait until after Bob left.”

Also in the Babbler:

The Prophet Mohammad rumored to be attending Joyfest
Susan Sarandon supports Clow UFO Base Occupation
Russian trolls vow to destroy the DuPage Township
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/1/18

Carrier lawsuit update (Non-fiction)

  1. PZ Myers has a video update and post about Richard Carrier’s lawsuit:

Hey! Have you been wondering what’s going on with the Carrier lawsuit? I can’t tell you. It’s mostly secret.

I can tell you though, that he has a new friend with money.

And we still need more money.

This has been going for about two years. I honestly think people would have forgotten about his resignation from FTB if had never filed this lawsuit.

Since this lawsuit isn’t going away for awhile, please consider donating to the legal defense fund.

Russian special forces supporting Rep. Peter Roskam’s campaign (Fiction)

Some residents of Illinois’ Sixth Congressional District claim to have seen members of Russia’s Special Operations Forces campaigning for Rep. Peter Roskam.

“I saw 20 of them parachute out of a US military cargo plane,” said Cindy, who asked that we not use her last name.  Cindy claims the operatives landed on her street in Downers Grove.  According to Cindy, they were wearing American Flag clothing, and had their faces painted to look like the US Flag:

“I asked them what they were doing.  One of them replied and had a really thick Russian accent. He said, ‘We are moderate white residents of greatest Congress District in the USA.  We love Congressman Peter Roskam because he is real strong man, like Trump.  He is why people are walking away from Democrat Party.  He give us big tax cut. You agree.’ I just backed away.”

Dave, a resident of Palatine, claims that two of the Russian operatives canvassed his neighborhood:  “I asked why they knocked on my door when I have a Sean Casten sign in my yard.  They said they were concerned and going to hold an intervention.  I slammed the door on them and locked it.  About a minute later, one of them used a shotgun to destroy my lock.  They said I suffered from Trump Derangement Syndrome and the only cure is to vote for Peter.  They also said that they would give me electroshock therapy if I didn’t vote for Peter.  You know what, Peter Roskam is such a two-faced politician that I would rather be tasered than vote for him!”

Amber, who frequently pickets in front of Roskam’s Barrington field office, said she saw six Russian operatives outside the office building.  According to her, the men were greeted by a smiling Roskam staff member.  Amber asked why Roskam was meeting with the Russians, but would never meet with her. The staffer replied:  “Just because you happen to live within the Sixth District doesn’t make you a true constituent.  These men are the embodiment of the values of the Sixth District.  These are the people who are the key to victory for the Congressman.”

Amber countered, “Is that why Peter voted to force the Justice Department to turn over all documents related to the active Mueller investigation?  Is that why he voted against increasing funding for election security?  Is Peter more loyal to the Russians than he is to America?”

An operative replied, “It is cheaper for Comrade Peter to be our friends than our enemies.”

“Yeah,” the staffer agreed.  “Peter is all about saving money for the right people.  He doesn’t care about you and the other rabble infesting his district.  As far as we’re concerned, Moscow is the best city in the district!”

A Roskam campaign staff member denied any knowledge about Russian special forces units in his district:  “I don’t know what state I’m in, or if I’m even in Chicago.  All I know is that if the Russians are helping us defeat a Democrat, then I’m thankful.  Our new friends are helping us keep the country safe for Republicans.  What is your fake news rag doing?”

A spokesperson for Casten urged all residents of the district to resist Russian voter manipulation and intimidation:  “These tactics only work if the margin of victory is small.  If every Democrat votes, we will overwhelm the Russian hackers and alleged special forces soldiers to reclaim our democracy!  The choice is clear.  You can either vote for a fiscally responsible businessman and patriot, or you can reelect Congressman Roskam!”

Also in the Babbler:

UFOs monitor Alpine Days Parade
Mayor Claar tries to avoid Republican civil war in Bolingbrook
Alien prostitutes arrested in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/25/18. 

Web Exclusive: Space Nazis canvas Illinois 3rd Congressional District for Arthur Jones (Fiction)

(Content notice:  Depictions of Nazis and racism)

Bethany, a resident of Brookfield, didn’t give a second thought when she heard the doorbell.  Looking through her peephole, she saw three men, whose bodies appeared to have been painted in white house paint, wearing white slacks and white polo shirts.

“What do you want?”  She asked.

“We are ordinary Volkswagens,” said one of the men.  “I mean Volks.  I mean people.  We are like you, only whiter.  We’re here to talk to you about the next sub-link, I mean orbiza, I mean congressman from this concentration, I mean the Third Congressional district. Arthur Jones.”

“Like all residents,” said another man, “He is a blue-blooded American.”  The man then pulled out a knife and cut himself.  Blue blood rushed out of the wound.

Bethany screamed and called 911.  She claims two Men in Blue walked up to her porch, cleaned up the blood, and told her not to tell any mainstream media outlets about what she saw.

“I guess the Babbler doesn’t count as a mainstream outlet,” she said.

Dozens of residents claim to have seen aliens canvasing the district for Jones, the Republican candidate for the district.  He is a former member of the American Nazi Party and a white supremacist.  His website and some of his flyers promote holocaust denialism.  Jones has been denounced by the Illinois Republican Party, including Governor Bruce Rauner.

Since Jones’s primary victory, space Nazis, and beings with similar beliefs, have tried to infiltrate the district and work for his campaign.

“He hasn’t raised any money on Earth,” said Joan Armstrong, a spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We suspect all his campaign staff and volunteers are undocumented interstellar visitors.”

Joe, who asked that we not use his last name, also encountered what he claims was a Nazi from space.  According to Joe, he opened the door and saw a frail older man.  The man claimed he was the last surviving member of a lunar Nazi colony created by the Germans at the end of World War II.  

“I asked him why, if the Nazis had such advanced technology, they didn’t win. He said something about waiting for the right moment.  When cores of their atomic bombs expired, they still waited.  Even when they ran out of food and water, the leadership said it wasn’t the right moment.  He said Arthur Jones’s primary victory was that moment.”

Joe claims he punched the man, then called the police.  “I always wanted to punch a real Nazi.  I’ve known survivors of the Holocaust, and hitting him was the least I could do.  Of course, I could also become a member of the Skokie Holocaust Museum.  I could also forget about the mean things I said about Representative Dan Lipinski during the primary and vote for him.  Dan hates gay marriage, but he wouldn’t vote to kill us.”

Ruth, who asked that we not use her last name, believes she encountered aliens pretending to be white supremacists.  According to her, ten were on her front lawn holding Tiki Torches, and chanting, “Jews will not replace us.”  One of the alleged aliens walked up to her and said his name was Lukas.  “He said that the ‘yellow-pinkish race’ needed to stand up to the bankers living in the capital city of Elyakim.  I said I’d never heard of it.  Lukas said it was the ancient Jewish capitol.” 

Elyakim is the capitol city of one of the Interstellar Tribes of Israel.

Ruth claims that another alleged alien whispered to Lukas. Lukas then said he really meant Jerusalem and Israel.  Ruth said that she was Jewish, and thought the aliens in front of him were vile and evil.  Lukas replied they weren’t evil because they were being anti-semitic “ironically.” Ruth claims she sprayed mace at Lukas’s face, and his head melted like butter. Then the others ran off.  Headless, Lukas replied, “You ruined a perfectly good human suit.”

Armstrong said Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, at first, was able to capture most of the space Nazis that landed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.  When protesters took seized Clow UFO Base, it lost access to their anti-UFO interceptors and control of most of Bolingbrook’s anti-UFO weapons.  This, according to Armstrong, led to more alien Nazis entering the Third District to help Jones.

“We are doing our best to protect Chicagoland,” said Armstrong.  “But as long as there is hate in the galaxy, beings who want to feel superior, and leaders willing to exploit both qualities, there will always be a Nazi threat.”

In a fax to the Babbler, Jones insisted his staff was white and he couldn’t wait to fire up his oven.

A receptionist for Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said Claar could not comment because he was in the middle of a meeting:  “Don’t tell anyone, but Roger is meeting with a person who wants to do an invocation at the next meeting.”

In the background, a man said:  “May James Randi’s magic make this board skeptical of woo.  May the memory of Christopher Hitchens inspire the board to Hitchslap PZ Myers and his hoard of Islamist social justice warriors.  May Elizabeth Loftus teach the board to doubt their memories.  May Michael Shermer lead their thoughts to the secular promised land.  Reason.”

A man who sounded like Claar said, “I thought The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s prayers were supposed to be silly.”

“Oh, I’m not with them.  I’m a representative from the Sam Harris Dark Web.”

“That’s…all I need to know.”