Sources within ICE and the Border Patrol are accusing Antifa of unleashing a powerful snowstorm against their officers in the Chicago area.

One source said, “We don’t care what the liberal media says. A lake can’t cause snowfall like this. Therefore, it must be an Antifa weather attack!”

The sources agree that ICE and Border Patrol officers are scrambling to find heavy coats and heaters. While some officers are accustomed to Washington DC’s winter weather, officers from warmer climates are panicking.

A store owner in Chicago, who asked not to be identified, claimed agents raided his clothing store. “They were screaming about ‘solid water falling from the sky,’ and the ‘refrigerator air’ outside. When they demanded I give them coats and gloves, I told them the Third Amendment was still valid. They accused me of protesting. Next thing I knew, I was pelted with pepper balls, and they randomly tossed tear gas grenades. I ended up losing about a thousand dollars with of merchandise. On the bright side, they didn’t put me into a secret detention facility.”

While Antifa doesn’t have official press contacts, Bolingbrook Antifa denies Antifa is responsible for the snowstorm. Part of their message read, “If we controlled the weather, it would be raining milkshakes over every fascist in America!”

Russia is the only country suspected of owning a weather control machine. Allegedly, the machine, based on Nikola Tesla’s designs, was built by the USSR. After the fall of the Soviet Union, communist scientists captured the machine and hoped to use it to bring down the West. Despite inflicting severe weather on the United States, capitalism didn’t collapse, and the Russian government seized the machine from the Communist Party. Putin allegedly then launched weather attacks against the United States during the Obama administration. 

Sources connected to the Russian government deny responsibility for the coming snowstorm. One source said, “Why would we want to attack your wonderful President? Maybe George Soros is behind this violent attack? Maybe your wonderful President should use a nuclear weapon against it? We’re just asking questions.”

During a phone call to the White House Office of the Press Secretary, a staffer unleashed insults directed towards the media and refused to answer questions.

In the background, a man who sounded like US Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy said, “Jared thinks he can take NASA away from me because he flew in space once. What he doesn’t know is that to get to space, you have to fly through FAA-controlled airspace. In other words, he has to get my permission to reach space.” Duffy laughed. “Jared came here to make friends, but I didn’t. I came here to win the Trump Administration.”

Also in the Babbler:

Wereskunks raise money for DuPage Township Food Bank.
Doctors without Planets sets up covert clinics in Bolingbrook
JB Pritzker promises not to have his face on emergency Illinois currency
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/12/25 

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy novels, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through most retailers.