By Reporter X

US Space Force Marines detained Border Patrol Commander Greg Bovino after an AI app mistakenly identified him as a communist space alien. After four hours, he was released at Palatine’s Rob Sherman UFO Base. Bovino is the commander in charge of Operation Midway Blitz. 

“I forgive them,” Bovino told members of the interstellar press corps. “We come from different branches of the government, but we both want to prevent inferior beings from replacing real Americans!” He extended his arm straight out at an angle towards the gathered Space Force personnel, then said, “Hi Zeek. I’ll—” Some of the Marines responded by chanting “Sieg Heil.” Their commanding officers ordered them to stop. 

A masked commander from Space Force blamed Antifa for the “accidental detention.” He said, “Obviously, Antifa hackers altered our Starview Database to list Commander Bovino as a space alien. Just like the hacked Grok to make it think the commander was Cindy Sherman. Antifa is evil, but we are eviler! I mean greater!”

While Bovino refused to describe the conditions inside his prison ship, sources say he was kept in a pen with 20 other aliens. They also confirmed that he protested about the quality of his meals. At one point, he allegedly yelled, “I want white bread. Wheat bread is DEI!”

The press conference ended early as alien visitors and human staffers started jeering at Bovino and the gathered Marines. Palatine police officers used tear gas and sonic weapons to drive the protesters away.

An officer, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “I know we’re not supposed to help Space Force, but it was that or let them shoot up the base.” When asked if the Palatine police would arrest Space Force personnel who attacked innocent visitors, the officer replied, “Why would we do that? We’re all part of the same blue line. Us liners have to stick together!”

Also in the Babbler:

Trump threatens to sue Village over ‘mean livestream’
Local weredogs clash with ICE weredogs
NFL questions local wizards following Bears surprise win
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/7/25

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

My upcoming Urban Fantasy novel, Revenge of the Phantom Press, is available for preorder. If you like Urban Fantasy novels, like the Dresden Files and Welcome to Night Vale, you’ll like Revenge. It’s part of the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories books, which are available through most retailers.