It’s a new year and time for our annual psychic predictions for 2025. Our council of psychics is still recovering from their visions of the next year.

Last year, our psychic predictions were on close to the mark. President Trump almost died during a speech. Representative Bill Foster won reelection. Fears of AI spread around the world. Biden’s popularity continued to drop. 

Since we’re surrounded by skeptics, we expect them to point out the minor details our psychics missed. Like LaBell never opened in Bolingbrook. Nor did we predict Biden would drop out of the race. Just like the pollsters, we didn’t predict President Trump would win by an electoral landslide. 

Psychic visions aren’t clear, and mistakes are bound to happen. In this case, they saw an older person winning the election and assumed it was President Biden. Easy mistake to make.

With that in mind, here are the Babbler’s predictions for 2025!

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During Starship’s first orbital mission, millions will be shocked when they see Elon Musk’s dead body floating in the cargo bay. President Trump will deny any responsibility for Musk’s death. However, he’ll post his denial about 30 minutes before the world realizes Musk is dead. MAGA supporters will start threatening to “Starship” their opponents.

***

Mayor Mary Alexander-Basta, despite running unopposed, will lose to write-in candidate Sheldon Watts, a former Bolingbrook Village trustee.

Watts will say, “God told me to register as a write-in candidate. Who am I to question God? Now I’m blessed to be the new Mayor of Bolingbrook.”

The First Party for Bolingbrook will respond by suing God.

***

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Liberal Party will shock the world by winning reelection in a landslide. Trump’s threats to annex Canada will backfire as a tidal wave of patriotism will sweep across the country.

Trudeau will say, “I’m running to be the Prime Minister of Canada. Pierre Poilievre is running to be a lowly governor. If you thought my visit to Mar-a-Largo was humiliating, wait until Pierre offers Trump the unconditional surrender of Canada. If you want to honor the brave soldiers who won the War of 1812, vote for the Liberal Party. Si vous aimez la langue française, votez pour moi!”

After the election, Alberta joins the United States. The citizens will immediately regret their decision after Trump’s first visit.

***

Thousands of US soldiers will be fired because they’re considered too “woke.” Canada will offer them jobs in their military, and most will accept. Many will also become Canadian citizens. 

One soldier will say, “Sure, my family has to wait in line for healthcare. But at least there is a line here. Canada loves me as much as I loved the United States. It’s so hard not to say, “America.”

***

In response to a US military raid into Mexico, Mexico retaliates with a surprise bombing of Texas. Hospitals, water plants, roads, and ports will be destroyed. 

The President of Mexico, Claudia Sheinbaum, will say, “Mexico has a right to defend itself, and we will strike at anyone who has ties to the Republican Party! No more land for peace deals. The only democracy north of Central America is surrounded by hostile states!”

***

President Trump will die while playing golf. President JD Vance will address the country that evening. He will start his speech by saying, “Our 250 year nightmare is over! Men are free at last.” Vance will announce the termination of the United States Constitution. He’ll warn Congress and the Supreme Court that he’ll go “Boris Yeltsin” on them if they oppose him. Near the end of his speech, a humanoid robot will walk into the Oval Office. Vance will say Elon Musk uploaded his brain into the android, and that Musk is officially the Co-President of the United States. 

Android Musk announces that he’s renamed the United States X and summoned representatives from the Red States to draft a new constitution. He says military forces will occupy the Blue States until they ratify the new constitution.

“Many of you will die during the transition to a better society,” Musk will say, “On behalf of the trillions of humans in the far future, thank you for your sacrifice.”

***

After Denmark refuses to sell Greenland to the X Vance will order the military to take it by force. Since the X left NATO, Denmark invokes Article 5 of the NATO treaty. This will be only the second time in history it’s been invoked. 

After establishing a beachhead, X troops run out of ammunition. X factories cannot manufacture enough to keep up with the demand for ammo for the troops occupying the Blue States and for the troops occupying Greenland. 

Because of purges and the occupation of Blue States, the invasion force lacks the troops to hold the beachhead. Space Force attempts to send in their marines, but none will survive free falling from orbit. X Forces will surrender, but the X media, afraid of offending Vance and Musk, will report that Greenland is now the 52nd state.

***

The year will end in the country of X with triple digit inflation, the Canadian Dollar replacing the Dollar as a safe global currency, an out-of-control polio epidemic, and Chicagoland joining Canada. Likely voters will say they’re better off now than they were in 2024. 

Note: This is a work of fiction. All opinions expressed are my own. They do not reflect the views of any organization I work for or of my employer. 

Want to support my creative work? Check out my Urban Fantasy series, the Bolingbrook Babbler Stories.  You can also buy me a coffee.